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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 12-10-2010, 08:19 PM   #1
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Trouble with 5 year long relashionship

So 10 days ago was suppose be the day me and my girlfriend of 5 years move into our first place together.
I thought everything was going great. I thought we were both super happy to be doing this because we had been talking about it for some time now.

Two days before we are going to move she messages me while I'm at work and says that she doesn't thing moving on together and that it is not a good idea now.

So I managed to talk to her and she comes out and tells me that she is upset with how our relationship is. That I work to much and that she has been unhappy for a while.
I was shocked, I didn't know anything was wrong.
I sat there and listened to her and I agreed with what she was saying. She thought we don't spend enough time together and that we use to fight to much. I totally agree with her.

I asked her to give me the chance to fix these things. I understand how she feels and I want to be what makes her happy.
Needless to say she said she didn't want to try right away. She wants to go away and see her family in the US for Christmas and see how she feels when she gets back.

I haven't talked to her for two days now and I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. Should I say in contact with her, should I leave her to be?

This Sunday makes our (would have been) 5 year anniversary. This was also the day I was going to propose to her and I was going to fly us up to the US so she could show her family. Right now I'm loosing my mind. Feeling very alone and confused. I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her.

What should I do?

Would love to hear a woman's point of view of this situation.

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Old 12-10-2010, 08:22 PM   #2
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Jesus.

At least she let the cat out of the bag before you showed her the ring...
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:29 PM   #3
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It seems like you're agreeing with everything she says. From the looks of it, it also seems as if you're putting the blame on just yourself, and not blaming the both of you as a couple. Promising to fix it on your own is possibly the worst thing you can do right now. You both need to figure out what you want to do for the future, and for yourselves.
Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and that you both need to fix things together.

It's also her fault for not telling you how she feels. That's what you're supposed to be there for, and if she can't even tell you even before shit hits the fan, then trust is obviously an issue.
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:35 PM   #4
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Wow dude thats harsh, I would definitely NOT propose at this moment cause it may overwhelm her even more. Has she ever even hinted to you that shes not happy with your guys current situation cause it seems this problem must have been quite evident for quite sometime.

I dont understand why she decided that its a bad idea to move in especially if everything was going great until the last few days. Its highly unlikely that she felt like not moving in this entire time but saying how wonderful it would be instead.

I dunno bro this is hard but give her some space it looks like she may need it atm
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Old 12-10-2010, 08:54 PM   #5
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give her some space, maybe drop her a text or a phone call while she's gone to see how she's doing, hope that she's doing well and having fun with her family, etc

biggest thing right now IMO is for you to let her think and give her some space. let her know you havn't forgotten about her but at the same time don't present yourself as clingy
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:08 PM   #6
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If she can't even bother to tell you she's unhappy with the relationship, what else isn't she telling you?
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:36 PM   #7
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Jesus.

At least she let the cat out of the bag before you showed her the ring...
I said the same thing after I read that.

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It seems like you're agreeing with everything she says. From the looks of it, it also seems as if you're putting the blame on just yourself, and not blaming the both of you as a couple. Promising to fix it on your own is possibly the worst thing you can do right now. You both need to figure out what you want to do for the future, and for yourselves.
Talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and that you both need to fix things together.

It's also her fault for not telling you how she feels. That's what you're supposed to be there for, and if she can't even tell you even before shit hits the fan, then trust is obviously an issue.
I don't know about that point, last time I did that it bit me on the ass and scared her away.

Anyways, sucks that she kept it bottled up. In my opinion, I'd say give her some time alone. Don't show her that you're miserable without her: that will only push her away. Don't ask her if she loves you: sign of insecurity (I think). Definitely (I think) don't propose to her right now since shes doesn't know how she feels and that will only fuck with her feelings. I do agree that you should tell her that you both need to fix this and work through it together, if she truly loves you then she will (I think).

Anyone else have any other tips?
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the guys over at lambo vancouver said there are 60-70 pre-orders already. don't quote me though.
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Old 12-10-2010, 09:54 PM   #8
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Assuming OP can read his woman correctly, and there was really no signs of the outburst prior to her saying it, she could just be trying to end the relationship. Maybe she found someone else, or just wants some time being single. Hypothetically, of course.

She gave him pretty generic breakup reasons, you don't spend enough time with me/we fight too much.

Most couples discuss marriage/proposal way before it actually takes place. Did you discuss marriage ideas before buying the ring and figuring out the way to propose to her?
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:24 PM   #9
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Don't get me wrong, I think we both hav our issues but I do agree with whatshername said to me about our issues. I just don't understand the timing.
She has been super stressed with school and work right now and monies tight.

We have discussed marriage before and we both wanted to. But I didn't see it comming.
I suppose she was being a bit more distant but I figured it was school and work and everything else ( had a recent car accident and dealing with ICBC was a huge stress).

I think she has alot on her plate and feels overloaded with everything. I want her back and I want it to work between us. This is the only girl that I have ever felt like this with.

I'm giving her the space and time she asked for.

I appreciate the info everyone. Any more??

I don't think there is any else as if she's not at school or work she's at my place.
She said she dosent want to hurt me but she needs time to think.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:38 PM   #10
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Just curious, is this your first girlfriend or first "real" relationship? How about for her?
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the guys over at lambo vancouver said there are 60-70 pre-orders already. don't quote me though.
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Old 12-10-2010, 10:46 PM   #11
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Not my first relashionships. I've been in a few. 3 that's have been between 3-4 years.
For her it's her second real relashionship.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:13 PM   #12
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If she's unhappy, she should tell you.
You work too much? I think that is the single biggest piece of bullshit women spew. Who does she think you're working for? (I'm assuming you're working towards building a solid foundation for your future together... and not weird porn)
And I know someones going come and say, money isn't everything, its the time you spend together, which OP is neglecting. Well that's bullshit too, had the OP done THAT, his post today would be that she doesn't think he's financially stable enough for them to have a future together, and that shes been unhappy for a while.

sorry for being a pessimist, but that's how I usually see these things turn out
and regardless of what I've just said

imo, she's already decided to leave you, I think you should move on man
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:26 PM   #13
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If she's unhappy, she should tell you.
You work too much? I think that is the single biggest piece of bullshit women spew. Who does she think you're working for? (I'm assuming you're working towards building a solid foundation for your future together... and not weird porn)
And I know someones going come and say, money isn't everything, its the time you spend together, which OP is neglecting. Well that's bullshit too, had the OP done THAT, his post today would be that she doesn't think he's financially stable enough for them to have a future together, and that shes been unhappy for a while.

sorry for being a pessimist, but that's how I usually see these things turn out
and regardless of what I've just said

imo, she's already decided to leave you, I think you should move on man

This is so fucking true.

Women...
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:34 PM   #14
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I think if you have your shit together and are treating her "right" then she has her own issues that she needs to deal with. If you were young and still going to school then it could be different. (Judging by your profile you manage 2 Chevron gas stations?) Maybe she wants more and doesn't want to be stuck in a "rut" as some call it. Either way, women do this thing where they fuck with your head. Spend some time apart, see how it goes. Just don't let it get to you
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the guys over at lambo vancouver said there are 60-70 pre-orders already. don't quote me though.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:35 PM   #15
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In honesty tho I work to much.
Around 60-70hrs a week. I do it because I enjoy my job but I also do it for us.

I do often times focus to much on my work and not her. I know this but I never thought it bugged her so much. If I had known I would not have done it.
As for the money, it's a non issue. I have morerhan enough of that. I just need to focus myself more on my personal life and not the professional side.

I won't move on from this girl unless that I truly what she wants. I only want to see her happy even if that's without me but I hope that is no the case.

I have been in the place where I could just walk away and it's better but not this time. Not this girl.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:41 PM   #16
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Oh. My profile is from years ago. I'm a logistics specialist for a high end motorcycle parts distribution company and I build superbikes for a living now.
I feel like I have my life under control right now and I'm in a good place in my life.
She's doing the school thing and will be done in January. But between her work and school and everything else I think she is just overloaded. I know when I was there I had the same feelings.

I know her school costs her alot but she would never take my money to help her with it all. She wanted to do it all on her own. I can understand that as well ( she came from a very wealthy family ).

I just hope that she give us another chance because I know that if she communicates with me mire then I can be better with things and it will just make out lives better as a whole.
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Old 12-10-2010, 11:42 PM   #17
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I think you partially need to explain to her that if you want to move out and live in your own you need to put in some time and effort to get your money right. Housing isn't cheap in Vancouver as a lot of us know so I think she needs to understand that you're working for the both of you. Yea, it sucks being away from your SO but some sacrifices need to be made if you want to be happy together whether its working more hours to put down a solid down payment or getting ahead in your career or even going to school so you don't end up in some shit job.

amirite?
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the guys over at lambo vancouver said there are 60-70 pre-orders already. don't quote me though.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:00 AM   #18
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Like I said, money is not an issue for us. I make plenty to not need to work as hard as I do.

I told her how I felt and how I think she feels. I told her I'm willing to work with her on our relashionship.
She asked me to wait till she sees her family for Christmas so she has time to think.

I won't be proposing any time soon that is for sure because I'm not going through this more than once. She needs to communicate her feelings to me more.
As a man I have this problem of not reading "signs". I only understand words :P
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:01 AM   #19
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dude, every relationship has ups and downs, if they say they dont, thats BS...

you work your ass off and she complains, i dnt get the logic, its for the better life you will have with money saved up.. would she rather you make less and spend more time together????

saving up money if the first and most important, if she doesnt understand it at a time like now with the economy, i dont know, then maybe shes not the one??? unless you have enough to afford a house without over working yourself to pay off mortgage, then its better to keep working...


your not the only one of cant read womens "signs", in fact most men do.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:06 AM   #20
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That's the thing. It's not about money. I make more than enough. She never has to work a day of her life. She wants to tho and that's great because I don't want anyone who is just ok with life.
I do work to much, I know that, my boss tells me that, everyone tells me that.
If that is what she needs from me then I have no problem with doing that. None at all.
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Old 12-11-2010, 12:27 AM   #21
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And I know someones going come and say, money isn't everything, its the time you spend together, which OP is neglecting. Well that's bullshit too, had the OP done THAT, his post today would be that she doesn't think he's financially stable enough for them to have a future together, and that shes been unhappy for a while
this. this. this. this. this.
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Old 12-11-2010, 01:07 AM   #22
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That's the thing. It's not about money. I make more than enough. She never has to work a day of her life. She wants to tho and that's great because I don't want anyone who is just ok with life.
I do work to much, I know that, my boss tells me that, everyone tells me that.
If that is what she needs from me then I have no problem with doing that. None at all.
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Dude... do you like working? If you like what you're doing ... and you find yourself giving that up for her then eventually you're going to be the unhappy one.

Also, she tells you she's not happy and doesn't want to move in together and YOU ask her for another chance to fix things? I don't necessarily agree with that, what is she doing to improve the relationship?
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Old 12-11-2010, 01:11 AM   #23
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why is she making all the decisions? don't you get a say in what happens?
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Old 12-11-2010, 02:42 AM   #24
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Dude... do you like working? If you like what you're doing ... and you find yourself giving that up for her then eventually you're going to be the unhappy one.

Also, she tells you she's not happy and doesn't want to move in together and YOU ask her for another chance to fix things? I don't necessarily agree with that, what is she doing to improve the relationship?
Of course I like working. But that is not all I like to do :P
It wouldn't be giving up my work time for her. I just didn't realize she wanted to spend more time with me.

I told her that I want a chance to see if WE can make things work. I cant do anything is she is not in this with me. If its just me doing all the work for this then I know it will not go anywhere. But after 5 years of being with her, after everything we have been through I can not just give up on us.
As for what she is going to do to improve the relationship, I wont know that till she gets back and we sit down an talk about it. But for it to work its not just me who will have to work on things, I need her to communicate to me more. If she wants to spend more time she needs to tell me.

nabs, right now she is asking me for time and I am willing to give her that if that is what she needs from me. Of course I get a say in this. We talked and I told her that I'm not going to sit here and wait for her to make up her mind forever. She gave me the time she wanted to work it all out in her head and that was that.
My say is that I don't want to give up on our relationship and now the ball is in her court. If she doesn't want to make a go of it then I guess it wasn't meant to be.
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Old 12-11-2010, 02:43 AM   #25
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Many people don't just up and leave all of a sudden considering it has already been 5 years. I don't doubt she's been feeling this for a long time and maybe she was just thinking of when to tell you but ran out of time when she realized you guys were about to take the next step. There's never a good time for a break up and I think she is running away from you so it'll ease the guilt for her/give her more time to think of reasons why this won't work.

Basically, I don't see this working out in your favour especially if you are already giving her all the ideal husband/future. Anyone in a happy and amazing relationship won't need to "think" if they want to be with you. You don't deserve to be an option but THE number 1 choice.

I'm really sorry, but I don't think you should put too much hope in her changing her mind.
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