I Need Relationship Advice (Badly), Please help.

[Mr Colt]

Hello, I will try and keep this complicated thing as simple as I can.

This girl started talking to me, some time last month.
Early on, we both have stated that we like each other more then just friends, what we both mean when we say the word "like" is that as far as we know each other at this point, we could see ourselves together in the long term.
There is a snag however, tho we have these feelings for each other, she also stated early on, she feels she isn't ready to date yet, and even tho she acts very mature, she feels like she needs to grow up more, and enjoy new freedoms in life. She is younger and i can understand her stand point from that, she has dated in the past and those experiences didn't end well with her.

Since we met around 3 weeks ago we still have continued talking and hanging out when we can. She likes how we talk, act, think, about each other. All day long we talk in a cute/sweet/flirty way, often leading to more "Adult" concepts, which she is quite into the idea of. (it would be like, if in public if i were to give try and give her a kiss she wouldn't let me, but if we starting fooling around when watching a movie or something she would be into it)
I understand and respect her reasons for not officially dating me, I am sure you can see in a lot of ways we are acting a lot like we are dating but in other ways we are not.

She feels bad when she has to say she isn't ready to date, even once saying "just please don't start to hate me or stop talking to me" and I am not the kind of person to be like that. I truly believe she cares for me a lot and for all her friends and family, she is a very giving of her self person.

I don't know is the best way to handle this situation. My hopes is that some day this could be come a true long term relationship. The idea of fooling around unofficially is fun in the short term, its not the kind of person I am.

I feel i have two Paths before me(maybe more that i havent considered?) :

1. Continue on the way we are, she is happy, even tho its not what i truly want, i do enjoy what we have now(I really do not want to lose that if i can help it(making me bias to this path we are currently on)). With the Hope that with time, she will grow closer to me and be ready to date sometime in the near future.
-I feel how ever that it risks a few things: Having me as emotional support, I may become like a crutch to her, holding her back from obtaining that sense of growth and independence.
-If i remain in this pseudo state, she may grow accustom to it, and It may never make the transition and mature into a relationship.

2. I start to distance my self slowly, allowing her to face the world free, and with out having my feelings to comfort her in the same way, but still try to build a relationship with her as a friend, if not best friend. Hoping that she will some day when she comes to the state of feeling ready to date she will continue things with me then.
-I feel I risk that if I'm not very careful on how to distance my self it could lead to hurting her.
-It may be too late to go this way and our emotions may already be down the path of no return.
-Possibly killing the spark that is between us already
-falling into a "he's just a friend only" situation
-making it easier for her to become attached to some one else.

- A Consideration, During her Childhood she was forced to grow up much faster then normal. (A big reason i get along with her so well, she is very mature, a good 4 or 5 years a head often.) It is possible, she in reality already grew up long ago in a lot of ways, but she dose not even fully realize that, and may never if she is still waiting for that sense of growth

Please help, I am doing my best to figure this out as I go, but I could really use some guidance/input. I really want to make this work. (this is the only thing i can think about all day and night, i need some peace of mind lol)

[TripleSoul]

You've only met her for 3 weeks, are you sure you know her that well yet?? Sounds kinda rushed...

I wouldn't take the second path. She'll probably just think you're not interested and you'll be a friend. A big piece of information you left out. How old are you two

[Noir]

You're probably just "mr. good-enough-for-right-now" but not necessarily "mr. good-enough-for-good" that'll make her want to work on a long-term relationship.


If I were you, I would just stop complaining and just enjoy what you can out of it. No sense in forcing exclusivity on her if that's not what she wants; so go and keep your options open since she'd like to remain open. However if, and or when the moment comes that demands exclusivity with you, you have every right to demand exclusivity right back.

That's about the best play I can read atm, without you forcing her to parrallel her interest onto yours; unless that was the "certain" advise you were seeking.

[Mr Colt]

Originally Posted by TripleSoul

You've only met her for 3 weeks, are you sure you know her that well yet?? Sounds kinda rushed...

Perhaps, but I believe in a good foundation, and i don't want to lead on myself or her. As far as how well i know her, I feel I have learned A lot of important things, and there is still more to know. But one thing I do know, I rarely get along this well with any one so easily, and even rarer if it is on a emotional level.

Originally Posted by TripleSoul

A big piece of information you left out. How old are you two

The same ages my parents got married lol.

I didn't want to state our ages, for i feel it may unjustly discredit the kind of person she is, by putting in her a class just because of her age. I will say she is graduating by summer, and hope that. that much information dose not make you jump to conclusions.

Originally Posted by Noir

If I were you, I would just stop complaining and just enjoy what you can out of it. No sense in forcing exclusivity on her if that's not what she wants; so go and keep your options open since she'd like to remain open.

Not exactly complaining, i love having what i have, i just feel insecure with the situation. I do not believe this is an issue of relationship exclusivity per-say, She wasn't looking for some one when she found me, I do not feels she is even open to looking now. Its more like she want's to be able to live and do w/e right now with out having to think about someone else, not that she wants to keep her options open when it comes to other guys.

Originally Posted by Noir

However if, and or when the moment comes that demands exclusivity with you, you have every right to demand exclusivity right back.

Elaborate?

[tiger_handheld]

[PJ]

It takes time.. the point is to be happy, right?
So don't keep going on pretending it's what you want when it isn't..

[Mr Colt]

Originally Posted by tiger_handheld

Friends Zone

I am definitely not in "The friends zone", both on a conversational, and physical level this could never this be classified in "the friends zone"

Originally Posted by Impulse_x

It takes time.. the point is to be happy, right?
So don't keep going on pretending it's what you want when it isn't..

I am not pretending what this is now is what i want, I know what I want, I know this has things i want but is not complete. I only wish to build upon what I have and do it in the most safe and constructive way.

One of the hardest parts I am having is trying to define what my situation/relationship is.
We think of each other as more then friends, The physical element is as intimate as it can get. I know many people who would consider both the amount communication and level of content in our conversations alone to be enough to be considered dating.

I could use a few outside views on how i would label were I am at, I may be able to use it as a place to start planing how to get where i want to be.

The general feeling I am getting from most peoples comments is something a long the lines of "go with the flow, see where it takes me?" which thus far is all i really know, The truth about my past relationships, is even if i add it all up It barely adds up to ever having one official Girl friend. I have had crushes before, but I have never fallen for some one before, and this time, I often feel I am, but out of knowing how she wants to be right now, like her, I am holding back my feelings as to not hurt my self.

I am still left mostly lost as to how i should peruse this, or at the very least how not to/things i need to avoid/change.

(thank you all for taking the time thus far to read through my long story, any information useful or not i greatly appreciate)

[Okami]

if theres one thing i learned about RS+relationships.. it will make you think and contradict yourself to hell and back..

but in most cases.. if you are posting here.. you're most likely fucked anyways..

i guess in your case you're a mid twenties trying to hook up with a HS grad? : S (18years old + the imaginary 4-5years maturity you give her to put her at your age level = 22/23 ish => rounded up to mid twenties)

good luck with that.

[miss_crayon]

Actually, age does play a big part when it comes to relationship. Just because you think she's 4-5 years mature doesn't mean she'd actually have the brains of one. Now I'm not discrediting the fact that she might be a nice girl and really great...but you can't possibly compare life experiences that come with age with someone who "had to grow up real quick." Sometimes true but majority of the time rare.

This was off topic but just throwing it out there.
Posted via RS Mobile

[Mr Colt]

Originally Posted by miss_crayon

Actually, age does play a big part when it comes to relationship. Just because you think she's 4-5 years mature doesn't mean she'd actually have the brains of one. Now I'm not discrediting the fact that she might be a nice girl and really great...but you can't possibly compare life experiences that come with age with someone who "had to grow up real quick." Sometimes true but majority of the time rare.

This was off topic but just throwing it out there.
Posted via RS Mobile

Thank you for putting it so politely, I fully agree, I maturity and experience are very different and both are needed to be ready for a real relationship. I acknowledge that,
I think those who have commented in the past on this topic are the ones straying away from what I am trying to get at.

I am not trying to force her into something that she isn't ready for(like a relationship) or trying to make her in my mind as someone equal to my age just because she can act maturely.
I am trying to do my best to make things for both of us work out in the best possible way, and hopefully in the end we are both happy and if that means we are not together, have minimal hurt feelings.

To try and get back to the topic:
I guess the best way to look at it is, I am ahead in the path of life, she is catching up, but it will take time, I hope that when she dose catch up her path will connect to mine. Thus I want to do my best to keep our paths in line until that time. How I do that properly Is where I am lacking experience. I would appreciate the help and experience of others in these matters.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by Mr Colt

To try and get back to the topic:
I guess the best way to look at it is, I am ahead in the path of life, she is catching up, but it will take time, I hope that when she dose catch up her path will connect to mine. Thus I want to do my best to keep our paths in line until that time. How I do that properly Is where I am lacking experience. I would appreciate the help and experience of others in these matters.

You have to appreciate that you have a very limited control of the outcome of your relationship with her; And that is because achieving formal relationship is not "just" dependent on you but by her as well.

With that in mind, all you can do is just keep riding out what you're doing and 1 of 2 things will happen. Either she gets bored with you and the relationship won't materialize or she gets more attached to you which will eventually lead to a relationship.


Otherwise, if you push a relationship by either princessing her to death, or the usual prince charming route, or white knight techniques I find rarely works out well for the guy; because we can only humanly keep the personification of "perfection" for so long.

So yeah, best advice IMO is just keep doing what you're doing. You want her to enter a relationship based on your natural terms, not on promisory terms of what you can pretend to be; or what you have to pretend to be - just for her to agree to enter in a relationship.

[TOS'd]

Originally Posted by Okami

i guess in your case you're a mid twenties trying to hook up with a HS grad? : S (18years old + the imaginary 4-5years maturity you give her to put her at your age level = 22/23 ish => rounded up to mid twenties)

good luck with that.

Sounds about right. The girl is probably 17 going on 18 while op is 24 years old (based on his rs profile).

[impactX]

If she could fool around with you, she could fool around with anyone. She's obviously not as innocent as you think she is.

You only have these two choices if you don't want to be in the FWB position:

1) Take control of the situation and may be, just may be you will have a more decent shot at having a relationship with her (but it may not even be worth it, see paragraph above for reason). Cut the "caring" crap and "grow together" bs 'cos that shit will get old and uninteresting (to the girl) real fast. If you don't cut this crap and man up, you may even lose your FWB position.

2) Leave. You had your fair share of fun, it's been 3 weeks and you are not getting what you want (a relationship), and that makes you want her even more. She has you by your balls, even if you may/may not agree with that statement. After the chase, you will probably find out that she isn't a keeper/a girl you can bring home to meet mom (because, again, of the reason in the first paragraph). "Breakup" with her and your replacement will arrive in no time because of her "new found freedom".

Good luck.

[Mr Colt]

Originally Posted by Noir

You have to appreciate that you have a very limited control of the outcome of your relationship with her; And that is because achieving formal relationship is not "just" dependent on you but by her as well.

With that in mind, all you can do is just keep riding out what you're doing and 1 of 2 things will happen. Either she gets bored with you and the relationship won't materialize or she gets more attached to you which will eventually lead to a relationship.


Otherwise, if you push a relationship by either princessing her to death, or the usual prince charming route, or white knight techniques I find rarely works out well for the guy; because we can only humanly keep the personification of "perfection" for so long.

So yeah, best advice IMO is just keep doing what you're doing. You want her to enter a relationship based on your natural terms, not on promisory terms of what you can pretend to be; or what you have to pretend to be - just for her to agree to enter in a relationship.

Thank you for your thought out input, this viewpoint has been sitting in my mind, and as you said should probably stick with it. I try my best to just relax and be myself, for the same reason you said, she should grow closer to me on natural terms. The slight hiccup in this is I often feel like im going to take it overboard rather then play it cool/casual as i would with any other friend.

I try to hold my self back from things, tho I would like to do, might be too much; Like overly txting her, wanting to use every cute comment or come back that pops in my mind, wanting to buy her things I think she might like, etc. I think considering the fact I like her this much, I think I'm doing pretty good at it; except for one thing, I always want to be around her, and due to her young place in life she as limitations, school, money, living at home, etc. So I'm always trying to present ways that will make it more possible/easy to hang out, I hope that i dont over do it, and she says that I'm not, but sometimes i think she might just be considering my feelings? I'm sure she likes the feeling of being wanted as much as the next person, but I am also aware of the playing hard to get aspect, something I am terrible at, but know can be very effective. I suck at these kind of games, and could careless to play them, but I know sometimes it is necessary. Can you give any input to this?
Note:
(I have a very simple life right now, I was in a motorcycle crash coming up 2 years ago, most of my "friends" left me behind in the hospital as they moved on in life, I'm not working atm because of it. So it's very easy for my mind to be completely focused on her all the time)

Side question: I know she has pretty limited income, So I offer to pay for most things that i can, and i do it gladly. But most of the time she feels quite bad that i am paying and often trys to pay me back, I dont need the money so i do not accept. She still thinks its sweet of me, But I'm not sure should I continue this way or should I ease up a bit?

[babycheer]

Who says you need to make a hasty decision right at this moment?
Yet that being said, I do advise you to think of the old saying, "Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?"
You are stating you have physical benefits as well as purchasing items for her when shes not exclusively yours.
Courting her is one thing but she wont see a need for an immediate change if you make it easy as 1,2,3.
Try to be more laid back & show her she isnt your only option either.
People tend to see/realize things more quickly if they think they are losing out on it.
Goodluck!

[k2_alpha]

my girl is like that too. just make sure you let her know you appreciate the fact that she wants to chip in.
i normally let my gf pay for the cheaper meals and i pay for the more expensive ones.
this allows her contribute with out breaking her bank.
since my gf is a full time student her funds are limited too.

[TheNewGirl]

Originally Posted by Mr Colt

- A Consideration, During her Childhood she was forced to grow up much faster then normal. (A big reason i get along with her so well, she is very mature, a good 4 or 5 years a head often.) It is possible, she in reality already grew up long ago in a lot of ways, but she dose not even fully realize that, and may never if she is still waiting for that sense of growth

In my experience ^ does not usually mean actually "grown up" or emotional maturity but rather the illusion of it. Usually people who are forced to accept responsability beyond their age have some degree of emotional stunting and a period of time (usually when they're free of the cause of the pressure, ie. moving out of their parents house, mid life crisis, what ever) where they have to regress and have a proper adolecence (all be it in adulthood) before they can resolve these issues.

[v.Rossi]

You sound like the Surrogate Boyfriend to me.

Cmon man it's only been a month. If you rush in too quick, you get out just as quick. Within 3 weeks or so, how well can you really know her? (Rhetorical question)

I give this girl an A+ on stalling techniques 101
Posted via RS Mobile

[xmisstrinh]

don't wait too long to officially ask her out though. in the mean time, especially because she doesn't want to be dating, she'll probably jump ship to the next person she thinks is better. better ask her sooner, get rejected, than later when you're even more emotionally attached.

[LC21]

I'd say go see other girls right now and since you're home a lot of the time, maybe stay at home and play COD more often, rather than seeing if she wants to go out all the time(if that's what you do). She's still in high school, i'm guessing she wants to "party it up" for her senior year and not be tied down into a relationship.

[Mr Colt]

I think there are a lot of misconceptions as to the kind of girl she is, Tho it's true I haven known her for very long on a personal 1on1 basis, I have spent many years around her friends/friends of friends/etc, i even grew up with her best friend for over 7-8 years, I know quite well what kind of people they are.
She isnt a party girl, I am well informed she is not going to "jump ship" to the next guy that comes her way.
I have asked her out officially as you put it, and its the same answer, she isn't ready to date.

However, if you take and filter out a bit, these comments and suggestions, there are valuable pieces of information to be taken from them.

I was driving home tonight, Its a long lonely drive, but makes for good thinking time. I am coming the conclusion that maybe I am thinking/acting too seriously about this. I started coming to this reasoning by considering 2 things:
-1 I believe at this time, I need her in my life for emotional comfort more then she needs me. This causes me to make things too easy for her perhaps. For example; when standing back, I find that I am the one always reinforcing my feelings for her, hoping she will respond back in the same manner, tho some times it works, i am the one reaching out for this, not her voluntarily most of the time. I also am the one who is putting most of the effort to try and be with her, rather then giving her the chance to come over to me. Over all, tho when talking with her, trying to feel out how she feels about my actions, she dosen't make any objections and still likes me quite a bit as she would put it. But i still want to avoid coming of as "needy" or "clingy" right?
2. She feels she can't date, Wont let herself be taken over by her emotions/feelings she has for me, and so is not treating this like dating. I stand back and see that I am trying to treat this like it is dating, but at this time all she is ready to accept right now is a more then friends relationship, tho similar to dating, is not.

Before I follow through with this new way of thinking i would appreciate more input on this;
I think I need to start treating/thinking of her like i have treated my best friends in life, with a more casual touch to our relationship. But keeping in mind not to play it overly casual or risk turning this into a friends only zone. In reality, I think my outer actions toward her have been reasonably balanced in this matter, and that most of this change will come from with in me, and the outer actions will take on a simple refining.

I think at this point with every ones help I might be coming close to some answers I need. But as mentioned before, I would like to ask one more time what you all think about this please.

[Okami]

Originally Posted by Mr Colt

I have asked her out officially as you put it, and its the same answer, she isn't ready to date.

I think at this point with every ones help I might be coming close to some answers I need. But as mentioned before, I would like to ask one more time what you all think about this please.

i dont get what you want from us.. are you just fishing for "suggestions" that follow what you "want" instead of need?

i mean you clearly stated COUNTLESS times that she doesnt wanna date or get close to you in that way..

[Mr Colt]

Originally Posted by Okami

i dont get what you want from us.. are you just fishing for "suggestions" that follow what you "want" instead of need?

i mean you clearly stated COUNTLESS times that she doesn't wanna date or get close to you in that way..

Not date true, but she dose want to get closer i can defiantly tell.

I value the input and the exchange of ideas. Tho it may seem some times I am just trying "fish" for answers that i want to hear, I thought in my last post I convened that I am taking the input i have been giving thus far and am trying to sort through it and apply it in the best way i can. And if what i said in my last post seems like good progression and application to the situation, then all the input and help every one has contributed to this made a great deal of influence on my thought posses.

I have tried my best to convey what the situation and the type of person the girl is, there will always be parts that i will not be able to fully describe, due to the fact that no one is in our actual shoes. So the input given by others needs to be manually applied by myself and fine tuned to fit both my needs and hers.
I am willing to put in a lot of effort and sacrifice, but in such an early stage that still has limits that could also make the experience not worth it.

Every time I can get a piece of thought out criticism or comment, I builds or tears down my ideas, if the ideas hold they make more sense, if they fall, i need to rebuild them.

I hope that makes sense, and thank you again for your time and patience. (I could still use more input from my previous post)

[geeknerd]

So,
she is not the type to jump ship/enter a relationship easily
she doesnt want to / NOT READY to date
BUT you can DEFINITELY tell she wants to get closer to you.

Options.
Giver her less space and forecfully change her mind (good or bad way) (what she doesnt want)
Continue the way it is now and see how it turns out (what she wants)
Distance her and see how it will be in the future. (what she doesnt want)
You said she is mature and she knows the reality; so she probably knows what she wants.

But by technical terms what you guys are, or even more specifically, what you are to her right now by definition is a Friend with benefits(not always fuck buddy, can be what u have right now) and ive never seen a Friend with benefit go to a relationship. One side will alwways end up clingy/take it to the next level (like u) and one side doesnt want that(like her) and break it off all together.



and btw please follow the golden rule half+7

[v.Rossi]

Originally Posted by Mr Colt

-1 I believe at this time, I need her in my life for emotional comfort more then she needs me. This causes me to make things too easy for her perhaps. For example; when standing back, I find that I am the one always reinforcing my feelings for her, hoping she will respond back in the same manner, tho some times it works, i am the one reaching out for this, not her voluntarily most of the time. I also am the one who is putting most of the effort to try and be with her, rather then giving her the chance to come over to me. Over all, tho when talking with her, trying to feel out how she feels about my actions, she dosen't make any objections and still likes me quite a bit as she would put it. But i still want to avoid coming of as "needy" or "clingy" right?

2. She feels she can't date, Wont let herself be taken over by her emotions/feelings she has for me, and so is not treating this like dating. I stand back and see that I am trying to treat this like it is dating, but at this time all she is ready to accept right now is a more then friends relationship, tho similar to dating, is not.

Emotional comfort? Who are you trying to kid? You want emotional comfort, get a dog, man's best friend. You're looking for a girlfriend.

You're entire situation could be summarized into two words in your post: friendly relationship. The first word, friend.

Some women cannot stand to go it alone. They cannot stand to be seen in public without some guy walking next to them -- even for a day. If this type of woman has no boyfriend and she is a user, she will attempt to fill the empty space on her dance card by seeking out an undemanding social partner who knows his place. Enter The Surrogate Boyfriend.

What's the surrogate boyfriend do? He allows himself to be the puppet of the lonely female user.

He denies his interest (ahem, "emotional comfort") or because he mistakenly believes that the friendship will later magically transform into a romance. The reality is quite different.

But seriously, let's not delude ourselves from the statistical fluke. Most of the time, once a girl has decided that you're her friend, getting her to switch tracks and start thinking of you romantically isn't impossible, but almost near impossible. Kind of like trying to lick your elbow, so close yet so far. What you usually hear when you try to make the shift from buddy to boyfriend are those 5 words that strike terror to any men: "Can't we just be friends?"

You may think that I'm off base about your role in this relationship, but the huge amount of time you've spent with this girl tells a different story. If you plan to devote so much time and attention to a woman, you might as well make her your girlfriend. But she won't fit those shoes, so pick up the clues!

I believe in wanting something go for it, for sure, we all like to think optimistically. However, that isn't the same with relationships and people don't realize that and they fall into friendzones, break ups, get used, the list is endless. If you want something go for it if only if there's potential. Date someone who wants to date you. Otherwise, you're chasing a lost cause and only wasting your time.

Well, how do I know if they want to know if they want to date me? Simple, you let them chase. Just make her laugh, throw in one or two compliments here and there, not consistently because your compliments lose value and become rather a turn off (the hotter they are, the less you should compliment them because they've heard it all. with a girl with low self-esteem it's different, she's not use to it and she understands what the fuck the word 'no' means whereas the victoria secret model asks 'que?'), and just keep everything light. Let her initiate the heavy stuff. You're overcasting your interest level onto her and everytime you initiate the idea of a relationship, she'll probably be fluttering her eyelashes and smiling and telling you. "If you really like me, you'd wait."

That's womanese talk to keep you on your leash. Kid Cudi says it best: I'm screaming out fuck that! fuck that!

In my opinion, what you have now is great but you're really pushing her buttons. If she's putting out, and you're not exclusive - friends with benefits that's great. However, that's not what everyone strives after. It looks like you're chasing for long-term.

We'll if you want long-term then you're going to have to be a challenge. Being a challenge does not mean:

Originally Posted by Mr Colt

All day long we talk in a cute/sweet/flirty way"

That's the way out the door, fast. Especially at the rate you two are going, four weeks with all day long conversations? Time is money, money is valuable, time is valuable. It's human nature to want what we can't have, it's why I want the Superleggera the same reason you want this bombshell.

The thing about friends with benefits, one party usually falls for the other party in time or they just get bored. If you play the challenge card and decrease the amount of communication over the phone to a minimum let's say 10 to 20 minutes a week tops, and see her once, at most, twice a week. You should start to see her slowly crawling on top of you.

When they really like you, they make it really easy for you.

Also, you seem to be the type to ask for help but not actually accept help. You ask questions, we give answers, you give answers to our answers. Just take in our advice with an open mind, if you disagree by all means fair enough there's no real right or wrong, but no need to get defensive. At least not on a broad that isn't your girlfriend, yet.

Oh, btw age definitely plays a role. Unless she's been raised in a barn in the middle of no where with no society, media, tv bullshit like Oprah influencing her then fine, but age plays a role for sure. If she's within the age of 18 - 22, make sure you pack tylenol lots of it. I don't care if she's in UBC holding a 4.0 GPA and is into politics and is more mature than youre mother, they're just unstable at that age.