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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 06-22-2011, 07:52 AM   #1
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Should i hold on or move on?

**WARNING! LONG ASS READ**




I met my girl 4 years ago. We started out being friends in friendster and eventually we hit it off. We seem to be the perfect match, having the same interests, enjoying each other's company, trips, etc. When i got introduced to her family everything seemed great. Her parents were in good relation with me, inviting me over for dinners, go shopping with them, even asking me to sleep over. Her siblings and cousins are also good friends with me as well. everything seemed perfect.

A year through our relationship we got more serious in terms of getting married (I was 28 she was 29) and wanted to start building our family. We then decided to tell our parents and they seemed happy to hear so. Now the traditional chinese way of getting married is to first meet each other's family for "approval". We took a trip down to motherland to do so and get the approval. My family gave their blessings without hesitation and was very happy to hear me settle down. It was now her turn to get the blessings from her family. When i got to her grandmother's place i was approached by 2 of her uncles, aunt and her grandmother (from father side). The first thing that came out of her grandmother's mouth was "yea, i guess he will do..."
At that point her 2 uncles started asking me questions about my family history, family business, and background. After about 2 hours of interrogation, the session was done and we were on our way. Everything seemed fine after and we enjoyed the remaining days of our trip.

After 3 days of coming back from our trip, i get a call from her stating that her parents dont agree with our relationship and/or marriage plans and that they want her to stop seeing me. When i asked for a reason they said "oh... its because he came from a broken family (parents divorced), his father has mistresses and a drug addict, and yada this yada that". Well my initial reaction was furious that i was being judged that way and i reacted. I stopped coming over and i stopped talking to her parents. I strongly believed that her grandmother decided she didnt like me and wanted me out of her life. Her parents leeching of her grandmother financially probably didnt want to lose that privilege so they had to listen.
Anyways, 2 years we've been keeping it a secret from her parents that were still together. I honestly feel like im in a highschool relationship. Things have started going south between me and her. I admit i started kinda swaying and entertaining other women. I lost the security and stability of settling down so i guess i started looking for it elsewhere (being alone in this country with no family, i yearn to belong or have my own family to belong). Things got rocky from that point and we had on and off phases in our relationship. We would break up, get back, break up, rinse n repeat.

We are trying to hold on to the relationship in hopes that we can get through the tough times and eventually prevail but I honestly dont know if i am just wasting my time holding on to a lost cause. Sometimes I find it sad that she's 31 yet cannot speak a free mind from her parents and still lives with her parents but she said she is afraid of moving out of her parents cuz she is going to school right now to finish her degree while working full-time so she thinks she cannot survive on her own.

There's more details on the story but it could turn into a whole novel so i kept it more summarized and this is the just of it.

Pretty much my concern right now is should i hold on? I see my friends getting married and settling down and Ive always wondered, if by some miracle she decided to settle down with me, how will it work? her parents dont like me and i recently got disowned by my family (another long story...) in chinese tradition, it looks really bad to get married without the family being there for blessings. My girl is very mindful of things like that and she retains a sort of traditional conservativeness.
Will this sort of issue even work out or have a possible solution at all or is this one for the history books? help a fellow RS member here, shed me some light on this situation.

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Old 06-22-2011, 08:20 AM   #2
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Okay, I'm not Chinese so I might not have the best insight.
I've never given 2 craps about what "other people" thought. I don't mean to be insulting to the Chinese tradition but if she loves you, then the hell with her parents. I can understand if you will eventually live with her parents but as of right now it's you 2. Nobody else.

I have a friend who is Flip, and dating an Indian girl. Her father doesn't really like him, but settles to make his wife happy (girls mother loves my friend). So his father said "your not allowed to step into my house unless you do this, or don't do that." So he agrees to this until they get married, then when her father wants to come over, he's going to do the same to him and say "well now you got to do this and that to be able ot see your daughter."

It's more of if your really are a strong believer in tradition. The way your going sounds like you've already lost hope, and I would personally say let it go, holding it together will most likely fall apart later down the road.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:27 AM   #3
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jesus christ,

fuckin traditions man,

why in gods name would her family have any say over what she does? if she will always take her families side, then it will only be a disaster when you guys have a family of your own.

she needs to decide, if she cant, you need to gtfo
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:27 AM   #4
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Quote:
"I don't mean to be insulting to the Chinese tradition but if she loves you, then the hell with her parents."
this line i really like. its unfortunate that she doesnt see it that way. i find she's scared of her parents and doesnt wanna go against them. She gives me the "if you really love me you wouldnt make me choose between you or my parents"


Quote:
It's more of if your really are a strong believer in tradition. The way your going sounds like you've already lost hope, and I would personally say let it go, holding it together will most likely fall apart later down the road.

i havent lost hope yet but its definitely hard to find hope under the circumstances. Im also flip/chinese halfy so i definitely understand the chinese tradition but i am also a rebel and a liberated person.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:40 AM   #5
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I respect you going to mother land and being polite to seek for permission, props to you.

You two are mature enough where the girl SHOULD say fuck you all, i'm in love with this guy and I'm marrying him. I do and can understand why her family (being very traditional people) why they would reject you.

I am more worried about the current situation right now. She lives at home which is EXTREMELY common in the Asian culture. You should totally understand this. She's said she is in school and she can't support herself... how will you support her?

You got disowned by your family. Whether you're doing drugs, having her live with you or whatever it is, can you honestly say you (still) 1) love this girl 2) able to take care of her financially? (while she is in school) ?

One thing you need to figure out is how to make amends with your family. Your family is the only place where it's unconditional love is, if you can't make it work with your family, I sort of don't see how you can make things work if you have a wife. You're an adult (not in your early 20s) and should know what it means to have family support and have loving family.

Lastly... you've been "entertaining" other women, are you even able to be loyal and know what it means to be single... I just dont' want to you to go down the road of the guys out there that cheats on their gf cause things are "boring".
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:02 AM   #6
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I respect you going to mother land and being polite to seek for permission, props to you.

You two are mature enough where the girl SHOULD say fuck you all, i'm in love with this guy and I'm marrying him. I do and can understand why her family (being very traditional people) why they would reject you.

I am more worried about the current situation right now. She lives at home which is EXTREMELY common in the Asian culture. You should totally understand this. She's said she is in school and she can't support herself... how will you support her?

You got disowned by your family. Whether you're doing drugs, having her live with you or whatever it is, can you honestly say you (still) 1) love this girl 2) able to take care of her financially? (while she is in school) ?

One thing you need to figure out is how to make amends with your family. Your family is the only place where it's unconditional love is, if you can't make it work with your family, I sort of don't see how you can make things work if you have a wife. You're an adult (not in your early 20s) and should know what it means to have family support and have loving family.

Lastly... you've been "entertaining" other women, are you even able to be loyal and know what it means to be single... I just dont' want to you to go down the road of the guys out there that cheats on their gf cause things are "boring".


thank you for that input. it definitely sheds a little more light on the situation.
my current situation is i have my own apartment thats paid off already so i dont pay any mortgage. I have a car thats also paid off so i dont pay any monthly fees. pretty much what im earning at work is money i can spend minus the usual celphone, utilities, strata fees, etc bills.

regarding getting disowned by my family, my father is divorced with my mom and obviously has been sleeping around with other women. he currently has a girlfriend that lives with him and we dont get along and i honestly find her irritating and a gold digger. We got into a big fight and my dad took her side and from there it just got ugly. I no longer talk to my dad because of this. As for the rest of my family, i decided to part ways because i feel i was always seen as a constant disappointment. Whenever i go back home, i would get the cold shoulder treatment from my grandfather and the whole "your a black sheep of the family" I really cannot absorb that and be thickfaced about it so i presumed it would be better to just separate and save them the grief.

As for entertaining other women, its not that im cheating or being a complete douche about it. Being alone in this country, i yearn to belong or have a sense to belong. Ive always wanted to have a family of my own and i was really hoping it would be with her. With the current issue we are having there is no more security or certainty of us starting a family at all so my natural reaction was to try and find it elsewhere. I definitely feel bad for doing so and i have stopped doing it. Ive admitted my mistake and learned from it.
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:42 AM   #7
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While I agree that if she loves you, she'll marry you regardless of what everyone else says, if she likes to keep it traditional and has a good relationship with her parents, at the end of the day she WILL care what they think.

Imo you shouldnt have to hide anything from anyone. If you guys get found out, you'll be defending your relationship instead of actually having one, if that makes any sense..
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:09 AM   #8
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While I agree that if she loves you, she'll marry you regardless of what everyone else says, if she likes to keep it traditional and has a good relationship with her parents, at the end of the day she WILL care what they think.

Imo you shouldnt have to hide anything from anyone. If you guys get found out, you'll be defending your relationship instead of actually having one, if that makes any sense..

i agree that we shouldnt have to hide anything especially since were in our 30s but unfortunately she gets a stressful drama from her mother everytime she finds out that were together. Its apparently a stressful one for her especially with her school and work going on.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:48 AM   #9
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It's really hard for the girl's parents to find respect for you. It sucks that they determine who you are by your background and make judgement accordingly but if you really want to be with her you need to show who you are to them.

It's because they think their 'little' girl can do with someone better. But later on when both of you approach your 35-40s, the family will realize she is getting old, and they want grandchildren so my guess is that if you are still there they will SLOWLY begin to accept you if you show that you care for her and her family.
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:11 AM   #10
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i bet her parents are going to be pissed off when they find out she's been hiding this from them. personally, i don't think it's worth your time anymore if the relationship is pretty much going nowhere. if she's not going to make risks before, what makes you think that's going to change?
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:24 AM   #11
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i agree that we shouldnt have to hide anything especially since were in our 30s but unfortunately she gets a stressful drama from her mother everytime she finds out that were together. Its apparently a stressful one for her especially with her school and work going on.
I wanted to write more earlier but being at work its hard to get everything down while keeping an ear open

Anyway, it doesnt seem like she's wanting to go against her parents wishes and its coming between you two.
You say things are getting bad and you dont feel that sense of security anymore.

I've always seen relationships as this: working towards a goal, ie getting married eventually. If there's nothing to work towards youre just wasting your time.

Besides your initial description of how you guys met and leading up to the blessing stage, there wasnt anything positive in your initial post.

As much as you love this girl, it just doesnt seem like it's gonna happen.. and I have a feeling deep down the two of you both know this
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:31 AM   #12
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its not fair to the both of you to drag things on

you should sit down with her and have a serious discussion about where things are heading
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:03 PM   #13
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Sounds like she will take her parents side over yours again and again.

Sucks to hear about your own family disowning you, (my gf kind of goes through that with her aunt/uncles at times) but it is family. If you stop talking to them, they will start to miss you, they are afterall family, and blood is blood.

I would now say drop the girl. I understand the love between you 2.. But it sounds like she's more afraid of losing her parents love (even though it's probably unconditional) then losing you.


There's tons of girls out there, good luck to whatever you choose.
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Old 06-22-2011, 12:43 PM   #14
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Look at it this way who is she going to be with when she is 30 or 40 or 50years old? Is she going to be with her parents, uncle, aunts or her grandparents. I would let her know you want to marry her and let her know that she is going to be living with your and not her family.

If she wants to side with her family then leave her. She just thinks family > you.
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:17 PM   #15
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thanks a lot guys for all the input and advices. definitely got a more clearer picture of what must be done. ill be honest, its definitely not easy letting go and even when we had our on and off phase i would miss her like crazy and feel like im alone in this world without her. *sigh* sure is hard being in love.
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Old 06-22-2011, 05:52 PM   #16
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Cut your losses now and end it.

You're under 30 and have your life in order. You're going to go places and in terms of women, the world is your oyster. Have fun and find someone who is willing to put her love on the line for you.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:56 PM   #17
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Even if your girl smartens up what happens in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? The family will always be in her ear unless she was to completely to separate from them.
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Old 06-22-2011, 11:43 PM   #18
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It's not you, it's her who needs to sort this out. She needs to sit down and lay it out to her parents that she's going to be with you. If she can't set this straight, then you need to move on.
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Old 06-23-2011, 08:36 AM   #19
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Thanks for being honest with us.

Not everyone has the ability to share what you have done. Keep in mind, this is where it gets interesting; as much as he's your dad, and as much as his decision is gay ass and that he's dating someone you do not like, you have to support him. You might not agree with his choices, but you have to still love him as family.

It's tough; I have friends that dates a lot douche bags, but i love my friends, so I'll have to accept his / her decisions. Looking back, I'm sure parents don't agree on me riding motorcycles, smoking weed, or among other things.. hell, I'm sure some parents still have to love their son / daughter even though they don't fucking believe they are gay.

Best of luck to you, but I think the girl won't be the right choice for you, i mean, she doesn't seem to have her head screwed on the way you want it to. It's not working out now, ain't going to work out later.
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Old 06-23-2011, 09:45 AM   #20
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At this stage in your lives, ppl should be able to make decisions and take responsibility for their own lives. Its been a while and she hasn't done anything to really change the situation/relationship between her family and you. With that said, it probably means her parent's wishes come first over her own happiness and yours. Right or wrong, your probably never going to get what you want.

My advice is to move on. Don't invest in something that has no return or a future. yeah it'll suck for a bit but look at it this way, one day less in this relationship is one day closer to getting the relationship you want.

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