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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 07-28-2011, 06:10 PM   #1
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[Confidential] Complex situation

The following post is from an anonymous member. If they would like to reply to any replies please pm me.



Ok Iím the first to admit this is a fucked up situation that I never planned or wanted to get into

Ok quick over view. Been going out with the g/f for 11+ yrs moved in together(rent from my dad) a year and a half ago, things are ok but honestly the feelingís are not there anymore. Just doing the same thing everyday but Iím honestly not happy. I have been feeling like this for a while but havenít truly realized until recently which comes to my other issue.

Female friend I have known for about 6 years I have very strong feelings for (I donít remember feeling like this about someone before) and she is dating a good friend (a type of guy thatís big and no one would think to fuck with) there relationship is DONE but she has feelings for me as well and Iím like WTF.

I would never fuck a friend over and I wouldnít think twice about doing anything to make the situation more difficult but man I donít know what to fucken do. Fucken hell dammit  I know the right thing to do would be break up with the g/f wait until they break up then work things with her after but I donít fricken know.

Is that even right? I have never clicked with a chick like this before and it doesnít help shes only 117lbs and is getting into fitness compsÖÖ Which is a plus for sure since Iím 260 and I can guarantee she would help my fat ass get back into shape!!

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Old 07-28-2011, 06:30 PM   #2
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Nobody should be in a relationship they're not entirely happy with. You subconsciously take it out on the other person, while they take it out on you. You both feel that you have to stay together out of some duty to them but... really, what is it really accomplishing?

At times, its like the late Amy Winehouse said, "Love is a Losing Game"

My advice is to pursue the relationship with the new girl. You've let your friendship cultivate into a mutual attraction and you both owe it to each other to explore it so you don't spend your lives wondering "What if"

I'm normally pro-relationship but, to be brutally honest, you guys have been together for over a decade and if you don't have kids or are at least married by now its not likely to happen. What are you two really working towards?
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Old 07-28-2011, 06:38 PM   #3
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i say go for the new girl.

sure your friend whos twice your size will probably want to break your neck, but he'll get over it and move on.
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Old 07-28-2011, 07:27 PM   #4
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You shouldn't be with your current gf... If you are not happy, end it.. For yourself, and for your gf's sake. I am sure she feels the same way as you and would probably be relieved once you bring it up. I on the other hand, DO NOT think you should pursue the female friend. Bros before hoes man, not cool. If anything, you shoudl wait until they end their relationship and wait it out until your friend has moved on. It isn't cool and can be very awkward if you are close friends with this guy. Girls come and girls go... the main thing here is to end things with your current gf.
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Old 07-28-2011, 07:56 PM   #5
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You already are feeling nothing towards your current girlfriend. You feel that you are together simply because of a habit, or because of a duty. You can keep going out with your current girlfriend, and if you cannot somehow get the passion/love back, you will feel even worse. One day your balloon will burst and you will probably:

1. Depression
2. Cheat

Either of them are terrible for you and your current girlfriend. What do?!
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:06 PM   #6
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Break up with gf.
Wait out their relationship and start dipping your pen in different ink for time being.
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:13 PM   #7
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I don't think jumping into a new girl right away in public is a good action. Do it secretly BUT while pretending to be single after a breakup.

master but If you do not have feelings for a girl after 11 years.. It is over I have to say. No kids too? damn that is long....
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Old 07-28-2011, 08:29 PM   #8
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The following is a reply from the Anonymous member


This is honestly beyond hard for me because I'm the first guy my g/f has dated and she really doesn't know there is a current issue. I don't want to break her heart cause really she is a great person. Kind caring would do anything for me which really bothers me those feelings are no longer there. Yes I know I can't help that because people do change but I don't want to hurt her if you know what I mean

Now on the girl I like..... I had feelings for her 4yrs ago as well before she started going out with her current b/f which by chance I convinced her to go out with since hes a good guy and she was being very skeptical. I'm the type of person who cares about the other persons happiness more then my own if that makes sense.

Which makes things worse is they bought a house together and are just finishing up a reno on. He actually said to me today once all the work is done and they sell the house he thinks its over as well.

He's also starting to get really paranoid with what she does who shes with which is not like him at all (of course hes scared I already know that)



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Originally Posted by Tachycardia! View Post
Nobody should be in a relationship they're not entirely happy with. You subconsciously take it out on the other person, while they take it out on you. You both feel that you have to stay together out of some duty to them but... really, what is it really accomplishing?

At times, its like the late Amy Winehouse said, "Love is a Losing Game"

My advice is to pursue the relationship with the new girl. You've let your friendship cultivate into a mutual attraction and you both owe it to each other to explore it so you don't spend your lives wondering "What if"

I'm normally pro-relationship but, to be brutally honest, you guys have been together for over a decade and if you don't have kids or are at least married by now its not likely to happen. What are you two really working towards?
What are we working towards? right now I have to say not very much. Other then me being a jerk to her to make it more easy when I do end it

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You shouldn't be with your current gf... If you are not happy, end it.. For yourself, and for your gf's sake. I am sure she feels the same way as you and would probably be relieved once you bring it up. I on the other hand, DO NOT think you should pursue the female friend. Bros before hoes man, not cool. If anything, you shoudl wait until they end their relationship and wait it out until your friend has moved on. It isn't cool and can be very awkward if you are close friends with this guy. Girls come and girls go... the main thing here is to end things with your current gf.
That is huge for me as well and that's where a huge issue lies in my eyes and it feels wrong to like her. I'm a honorable person and would never cheat with a buddies g/f out of pure respect which a lot of people don't have these days. Right now I just feel it's really dishonorable and it it really troubling me.

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You already are feeling nothing towards your current girlfriend. You feel that you are together simply because of a habit, or because of a duty. You can keep going out with your current girlfriend, and if you cannot somehow get the passion/love back, you will feel even worse. One day your balloon will burst and you will probably:

1. Depression
2. Cheat

Either of them are terrible for you and your current girlfriend. What do?!
I do feel to my current g/f being with someone for 11yrs you will always have feelings and I do love her but I'm not in love with her any longer.

I won't cheat (ok I say that now but a couple drinks with the girl I like nothings out of the question I guess )

and I'm already depressed and feel like shit. I have been like this for years actually but I can analogize my self enough to understand it and not let if effect me.


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I don't think jumping into a new girl right away in public is a good action. Do it secretly BUT while pretending to be single after a breakup.

master but If you do not have feelings for a girl after 11 years.. It is over I have to say. No kids too? damn that is long....
Nope I could never jump in right away once it's over. That would never look good.

I'm also great friends with her best friend which of course I tell her things which goes to the girl I like and like wise in a way which I guess is helping the matter in way as well.

I'm spending the weekend with her best friend so I will be able to talk to her more whats going on and to hopefully find out the true feelings the girl I like has towards me. (most of this talk is going on in BBM) but when I saw her yesterday she made even a couple comments saying we should take a pic kissing and she should just cheat on her b/f and takers and looked right at me (that was more of a joke tho or was it?)
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:07 PM   #9
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If you aren't happy and bored of the relationship. Do not prolong it because you will be wasting her time and your time too. If it's boring for you chances are it might be boring for her too.

I don't want to be a douche but for 11 + years that's pretty good already. A lot of people don't last.

Love isn't straight forward but all over the place. It wanders around.

Any who, good luck to you and I hope you find the right choice. IMO I would just break up, it's going to happen sooner or later (sorry for saying that) but since you are bored. I think it's a given
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:23 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ConCho View Post
If you aren't happy and bored of the relationship. Do not prolong it because you will be wasting her time and your time too. If it's boring for you chances are it might be boring for her too.

I don't want to be a douche but for 11 + years that's pretty good already. A lot of people don't last.

Love isn't straight forward but all over the place. It wanders around.

Any who, good luck to you and I hope you find the right choice. IMO I would just break up, it's going to happen sooner or later (sorry for saying that) but since you are bored. I think it's a given
At the same time... you can't expect a relationship to be great forever just because you are with the "right" person.. If you want a long lasting gratifying relationship, you need to communicate and spice things up in different ways, not just with sex, but with date nights etc.

People change all the time... so if you are with someone for 5 10 15 years, you will most likely have gone through many changes during the relationship.

So you guys can either adapt to each other as you change together... or you can end things and move on to a new person each time you have reached a different point in your life.....

Last edited by Spidey; 07-29-2011 at 08:06 AM.
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Old 07-28-2011, 09:49 PM   #11
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At the same time... you can't expect a relationship to be great forever just because you are with the "right" person.. If you want a long lasting gratifying relationship, you need to communicate and spice things up in different ways, not just with sex, but with date nights etc.

People change all the time... so if you are with someone for 5 10 15 years, you will most likely have gone through many changes during the relationship.
I wrote a bunch more on my first post but my internet crashed and it was forever lost.

If you are bored then most likely she is too. To make a successful relationship you gotta try as a couple. Try new things together. Keep it interesting,
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Old 07-29-2011, 08:24 AM   #12
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Okay you've been with your current GF for 11 years?

You're pretty much married. Long term relationships are HARD they require work. And if you expect them to always be effortlessly easy and happy then you're in for a real surprise. It's also not uncommon to long for other people, even when you love the person you're with.

This is normal and it doesn't mean you have to jump ship. In fact I would suspect that your "crush" will fizzle if you leave your GF because it's really just a manifestation of the 'plant my wild oats' part of your brain wanting to be free of the shackles of monogamy.

So... in short if you want to make your relationship work (and you have to want to to make any relationship work) you can. You just have to put some umf into it.

If you don't. Go and jump ship. But realize that you're going to be in the same boat again eventually and you have to, at some point, decide to work hard at a relationship or you'll for ever be thinking the grass is greener else where.

I direct you to Dan Savage who can explain what I think you're going through right now.

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Old 07-29-2011, 09:22 AM   #13
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This is tough, alot of good posts here.

So you've been with your current gf for 11 years and you're not married why?
I'm not saying thats how things go, but when a couple has been together that long, typically theyre married

Anyway, are you sure you guys click? Or is there just mutual attraction/curiosity outside of yours and her's relationships?

Everyone seems great in the beginning, its not until after a few months into a relationship they start to show their true colors.

When you started feeling differently about your current relationship, did you stop and think about how to fix things? Or did you automatically think "oh well, time to move on"?

From what it seems like you started feeling differently, and you didnt really give it much thought so you started being a jerk to her hoping she'll do something about it, making it easier on you.

You already admit that she's a great girl, so before you decide to jump ship you should sit and REALLY think about what you're doing instead of letting this new girl cloud your judgement. You dont come across great girls everyday, especially not in Vancouver
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Old 07-29-2011, 09:23 AM   #14
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I don't ' know man. You feel bored with your current GF because you been with her for 11+ years.

I don't know how to say this but relationship is base on respect and understanding of one and other not around that "Spark". Think about your parents. They been together for like 2o - 30+ years yet they are still marry. I am sure at some point they get bored with each other as well.

You might want to spice things a bit with your current G/F. Say maybe a trip to somewhere both of you want to go, do something you both never done before(suba diving, sufring) , try maybe some romatic dinner...........

As NewGirl said you have to work hard to maintain a long term relationship.
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:10 PM   #15
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We tend to want what we don't have. 11 years is a long time. How many 11 years are you going to have in your life? You need to think back on what got you and your current gf together in the first place. Then try to re-live that moment and to revive that feeling.
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Old 07-29-2011, 10:40 PM   #16
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Old 07-29-2011, 11:20 PM   #17
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Old 08-01-2011, 01:08 AM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNewGirl View Post
Okay you've been with your current GF for 11 years?

You're pretty much married. Long term relationships are HARD they require work. And if you expect them to always be effortlessly easy and happy then you're in for a real surprise. It's also not uncommon to long for other people, even when you love the person you're with.

This is normal and it doesn't mean you have to jump ship. In fact I would suspect that your "crush" will fizzle if you leave your GF because it's really just a manifestation of the 'plant my wild oats' part of your brain wanting to be free of the shackles of monogamy.

So... in short if you want to make your relationship work (and you have to want to to make any relationship work) you can. You just have to put some umf into it.

If you don't. Go and jump ship. But realize that you're going to be in the same boat again eventually and you have to, at some point, decide to work hard at a relationship or you'll for ever be thinking the grass is greener else where.

I direct you to Dan Savage who can explain what I think you're going through right now.

‪Dan Savage: Why Monogamy Is Ridiculous‬‏ - YouTube
I agree, it's easy to get complacent in a long term relationship. It's never going to feel like it does for that first 6 months, year and 2 year period. The sparks go out a little bit but you have to work at it to keep going.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, it's not the same as it was when we first started going out. Thats not to say there are never sparks they just aren't there all the time like they were when we first started going out. Overtime your partner becomes your best friend, your confidant. It's up to both partners to keep working at it to keep that sexual chemistry and spark there.

The fantasy of cheating is always there but I'd never pull the trigger as I couldn't imagine the consequences of being without my wife. If you aren't happy you aren't happy but maybe you're not working at it hard enough?

11 years is a lot of time to put behind you but do it because you want to move on not because you have a crush on someone else. Like TheNewgirl said, the grass is also not always greener on the otherside. For all my wifes flaws she has so many great things that I don't think I'd be able to find anywhere else. You have to weigh the pros and cons.
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Old 08-02-2011, 02:13 AM   #19
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That just sounds like disaster waiting to happen.....

I agree with TheNewGirl and quasi where I think you should take a second look at your current relationship. Think back to the time when you first started going out. What did you like about her? What made you want to protect her and call her your own?

Take the next birthday or anniversary and made an effort to make it count. Don't give in to the fantasy you have in your mind with the new girl. If she can cheat on her current bf what makes you think she won't cheat on you after the honey moon period?
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Old 08-02-2011, 08:28 AM   #20
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I might provide a little bit of insight.

I was living with my girlfriend of 6 years, and I know that " this ain't going anywhere feeling". You are waiting for a moment, something that says, "THIS is the reason I am breaking up with you. You did ____" It never comes. It's hard to sit someone down and say, "schmeh, your alright, but I think I can do better". Right?

Finally I cam to the conclusion that you just need to pull the trigger. I took off and went to Thailand for a month, then came back and broke up with her, but that's my style.

So we move on from that, and then I started into part B from your issue. I did the right thing, and waited and the girl I liked broke up with her boyfriend. She had some help. He decided to get laid at a party and that was his awakening, but whatever.

The funny thing was, our exes were brother and sister. That's how I knew her.

It was a little weird at first, I'm not gonna lie. This person that was like a sister in law to you, is now like a semen receptacle to you.

Anyway the point is, you need to be happy and say to hell with some other things. My ex took it badly. I had called her when I first started dating the new girl so that she could hear it from me, not her drunk mom and I think it got a little confusing that maybe I was calling to start hanging out and get back together, and I was calling to say I was in love with her brother's ex-girlfriend. Kind of a little different page type thing. But we are actually friends with the brother. I actually get a long with him better now than I ever did while dating his sister. Probably has something to do with the fact that he probably doesn't really like me, and now I'm fucking ex, not blood. Who knows.

You are young. You live once. Why not be happy?
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Old 08-03-2011, 09:03 AM   #21
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never get into a relationship when you already are in one. clean your slate first before starting something else.

shes with HIM. there's nothing you can do until they actually break up, even then you cant swoop in right away. he will blame you, you will be dead.

has she said she even wants you? still means nothing unless she is actually broken up. ever heard the phrase "he's said he's leaving his wife"? yeah never happens. what you want to hear is "I HAVE LEFT him"
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Old 08-09-2011, 07:08 PM   #22
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2 things.

"The right thing to do isn't always the easiest thing to do." and "You don't know what you have until you lose it"

Apply both to your situation, you'll eventually get it. You have a loyal girl now, that's incredibly hard to find. You're new girl could fall in and out of love with u just as easy. Listen to the old school song by Genuwine - How do I know you won't do this to me? (I dont think that's the title but its part of the lyrics) lol

Gluck, it sometimes takes a few mistakes to get it right and what feels right could be the biggest mistake you make.
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:47 AM   #23
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I always wondered, for those whove been in 10 years of a relationship and break-up, doesn't it seem like such a waste? :/ Guess not when you realise it'll be even more of a waste if you don't seperate,right?
I don't agree, ""The right thing to do isn't always the easiest thing to do." I think the easiest things to do are the ones that require the least thought, which leads to poor decisions, etcetc.

Ask yourself, is it better to put a little effort into the relationship, or find a new? Remember, that girl you have is LOYAL, and nothing good ever comes without some effort, right? You've already built a foundation, and it seems to me your getting bored, add a little spice; find new hobbies, re-new the reeasons why you fell in love with her in the first place. Respect the effort shes giving, and respect the commitment, things roll smoother if theres more interest
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:52 AM   #24
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if your not happy, should end it... shouldnt drag it on if both parties know its not going to end well..

i wouldnt jump into another relationship after breaking off, it would seem to bad in the eyes of everyone else, especially both ex's

best thing is to talk over with your partner now and see what can be made to improve, otherwise you guys should really have a heart to heart talk about just ending.
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Old 08-17-2011, 05:11 PM   #25
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I always wondered, for those whove been in 10 years of a relationship and break-up, doesn't it seem like such a waste? :/
I get that question a lot...a few years ago my ex and I broke up after 9 years of dating...

It would be easy to call him an asshole, cry that the last 9 years were a waste, and try to figure out how to erase them.

I don't. We had a lot of good times. We almost grew up together (19-28)... traveled, went to school, partied, worked a the same place at times, lived together, etc...why would I want to forget that all? At the core, we had a friendship...and thats why we are still friends today. Not good friends...we talk every few months and keep in touch in facebook. There are no "love" feelings there anymore. He has moved on and so have I.

I am not saying this happened over night but a couple months after we ended it, I thought it would be such a waste to forget the last 9 years. It would suck every time I looked back or remembered a vacation, etc... to be so bitter about it. I also don't think you can really move on if you are angry or bitter or wanting to forget.

Ya, I didn't work out...and towards the end, it kinda sucked...but we did have a lot of fun and those 9 years were not a waste.
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