A story about my life
 

I am posting this on behalf a friend:

Here's my current life situation:
-Working in a position that is both rewarding in compensation, and in stimulating my brain cells (from the comfort of my own home most of the time)
-Planning to move to Australia next year for grad-school and work

Here's my current SO situation:
-My g/f is very beautiful and is the biggest sweetheart ever.
-With all good things, there are drawbacks. We will say that our childhood stories are slightly different. I did not come from a rich family, and she did not came from a poor one. As a result, I am extremely motivated to succeed (not just in compensation) but overall satisfaction of life. I set my goals really high, and I work really hard to achieve them.

Here's where we differ: She is "OK" with having things the way they are. She doesn't have a lot of "wants" and does not share the same sentiments about "goals" and "motivation in life" as me. Because of this, I feel that sometimes she is holding me down. It could be both a blessing and a curse: I may demand too much from myself at times, but there are times when you should at least set some minimal goals (i.e. health and fitness).

The problem?
You're probably reading this and think "WTF is wrong with you? There's a lot of people out there that would love to be in your situation.."

Work has been extremely stressful lately. With people reporting to me, I have very little patience for BS and people who procrastinate. My gf works hard: is in school and working at the same time. There are times where she will procrastinate, and claims that she is uber stressed out. I usually just listen and comfort her, but more recently, I feel the urge to lash out and say stop procrastinating. I never lashed out at her, but I did make a few comments that implies she should work a lot harder. She got extremely upset and says that I don't understand her.

To throw more questions out there:
-We have discussed about marriage in the future. The only "problem" is that she wants to be a stay-home wife, and to only work if the family absolutely requires it for survival. (This places a lot of stress on me, giving that Sydney/Melbourne is only the 2nd and 4th most expensive city to live in in the entire world)

-She says we haven't traveled a lot, and haven't spent much time going on sexy dates. (We just came back from a Mexico trip in June, and we only went to Japan + HK twice last year). This does bother me, as she knows that this is a transition period for me to get my feet into the corporate world in Australia.

I feel that my patience has disappeared and that one of these days I will say something to her that I will regret. How can I avoid all of the landmines that lay infront of me?

Thank you for listening to my rant... :fullofwin:

Oh, only went to Japan + HK twice? Then Mexico in June? Thats it? Geez, it must be nice to be able to take 3 major trips in a year...

Anyway, it sounds like you're wanting to move to Australia and you're working your ass off to make that happen. I applaud you for that. However, from your last few sentences you say your gf complains you dont understand her. To me it sounds like she's not understanding YOU.

So this is what I gather:

-You've worked hard to be where you are
-She comes from a well off family, doesnt share you views on goals and motivation

To me, if you see a future with this girl, she's going to need to understand your goals for the future. A relationship is a 2 way street. I find that typically these days, children of well off people dont have the same mindset as your average joe. They dont genuinely strive for better because they figure "oh well, if I fail my parents got me."

I also find that they tend to be a little more pincessey, they tend to want things done for them/how they want it done which explains her wanting to be a stay home wife.

You guys are gonna need to sit down and meet each other halfway

Question for your friend is does he sit down and really open up to her as to what his goals and challenges are? I find in the beginning people love to ask what their SO is thinking and feeling and then that interest just dwindles and that's when "communication issues" arise.

Food for thought: some people wish their gf's would slow down a bit and play the supportive role more often (it's one thing to be a stay at home wife and treat shopping as your 9-5 but quite another when they're sacrificing their careers to be a mother or attentive wife to support an extremely busy husband). If you had a capable stay at home wife/mother that could work out in terms of not having to pay for things such as child care and having the added bonus of giving your children extra attention and parenting.

It's cool to see how considerate you are of her feelings and wanting to avoid lashing out..so perhaps having the conversation while you're calm and able to explain things is better than bringing it up when you're angry (then she can't say you're bringing things up out of the blue or bottling things up either).

Hahaha! I had to rough it out for two years (zero vacations, tons of OT, etc).. But yeah, the back to back Japan trips were a bit excessive. Then again, it was one of those 'once in a lifetime opportunity' (I don't have many Japanese friends) and I did not have to cover any of the costs for the gf (except for dinners and bullet train rides.. Japan is so bloody expensive -> I'll save that for another rant)

Thanks guys (and gals!)..

I guess what it comes down to is having "the talk" when both of us are level-headed. I'll bring it up over the long weekend. I planned a mini-retreat for the two of us, and I guess I can slowly talk about it.

Quacks: Thank you for introducing a girl's point of view on the whole "stay home wife" subject. IMHO, I was more concerned about the "shopping 9-5" part as opposed to "having the luxury to be with the child during the most important development stages." I've never really thought of it that way, so thank you for bringing that up.

Man, how much do you pamper this chick? Are you one of "those" kind of guys?

These times are hard times for everyone. Will your relationship survive zero vacations? and I'm not just saying just for the year... say the next 5 years will be difficult.... will the relationship survive that?


Even though you're the breadwinner, sounds like I can figure out who really has the leverage and wears the pants in a relationship. No man should feel like he has to walk on eggshells just to continue participating in a relationship.


And your post confuses me in some areas:

First you say its your friend, but you reply as if it were your problems. 2nd you say she's a low maintenance girl with "not a lot of wants" yet you say she's complained she's not getting enough vacays and sexy dates when you just got back from Mexico + 2 asia trips?

How trustworthy is your statement to us. Secondly, how trustworthy are you to yourself? Perhaps you're lying to yourself to naturally paint you as "the good guy"?

I'm basing this as first you say:
1. You've been extremely stressed lately
2. You've been feeling the urge to lash out at her lately
3. Your so-called comments somehow upset her. Maybe it's not the tone, but the context and the words you chose to say the above bolded comments maybe?

OK fine, the "friend" is actually me.

I should probably clear a few things up:
-The Mexico trip was for attend my close friend's wedding. I have accepted the invitation a year before my gf and I had started going out. My gf came with me because it coincided with our one year anniversary (no, I did not pay for her..)

I just realized that some of my comments contradicted with each other. I just did a mind dump during my lunch break.

By "retreat," I was only planning for a quick day trip just to get outside of the city. :) I just realized that my original post makes it sound like she's very demanding/high maintenance. That is absolutely not the case, and I'm not only saying it because I am biased. The thing that bothers me the most was the whole "stay home wife", and "Quack" have provide some new insight for me as to how I should treat my SO's train of thoughts.

You're welcome! Sounds like a good relationship and she's a lucky girl =)

It took me and my bf breaking up once to realize how important it was to regularly lay things out on the table and discuss it without hysterics to avoid feeling resentment.

That's the part that confuses me. I was wondering if the OP's concern stems from the above motivations to be a stay-at-home mom/wife were the following:

**Note - (However it's confusing because)

Though he says she's hardworking, but also says that their most recent conflict was due to her "procrastination."

She's not the materialistic partner but one of their conflicts was that he's not providing enough opportunities for "her/them" to travel a lot, or sexy dates.



So I'm wondering that despite her being an awesome girl, the OP is starting to see signs of concern?

Like let's look at this 1 conflict:


If the gf is generally a hardworker with occasional bouts laziness, I don't understand why that would push him towards the feelings he's currently frustrated with.


I mean, the "usually I just listen and comfort her" sounds like it's just a once in a while thing, but the "recently, I feel the urge to...." sounds like it's more of a problem than firstly anticipated no?

I think you are taking your issues and putting them on her.

Yes, she is hardworking, not materialistic, good person, etc...She is working hard at school and work, but you feel that you are working harder. That may make you jealous that she has the ability to procrastinated while you have (I assume) deadlines and maybe more responsibility. I am not saying this is a conscious thing, but I am sure there were times when you think "if I only had YOUR problems".

This isn't really a bad thing...we are all guilty of it in our relationships, especially during really stressful time.

Regarding the "dates", etc....I don't think it is about where you go and what you do...I think she just wants to spend some time with you away from the stress. Leave the computer at home, turn the phone off, and unplug the tv. Going to mexico for a friends wedding, or going to japan for an "opportunity", is not about spending time with her so to speak. I think she wants you to say, "We are going away to be with each other....that is the sole reason".

Also, I wouldn't pick this time away to have "the talk". Talk about the future in a positive way...not in a "planning" way. You do not want the conversation to take a bad turn and spoil your time with her. Sounds lame and corny, but shit like "hopes, dreams, and goals" should be point, not "are you going to have a job in 5 years" type shit. That could piss her off.

As for her wanting to be a SAHM or house-wife, I could see how there could be pressure and resentment...that is when you need to keep the line of communication open. She will work just as hard as you to raise a child, cook, clean, and make your life easier.

Regarding the laziness thing, she may just have different life priorities are you. Maybe working hard 24/7 or being on top of everything all the time isn't her thing. Yes, it may make her life needlessly stressful, but that is just her. Everyone is different and that is one thing you will never be able to change about her. Either you can accept it and move on....or it will bug you ALL THE TIME.

When my relationship stresses me out (for valid or non-valid reasons), I stop and think, "is it worth it?". Do I love him? In the bigger picture, does this matter? What does he do that I love? I table it, and more forward.

It sounds like you are going through a lot of changes in your life right now....maybe just chill-out on stressing out about your relationship. Think about how nice it is to be able to talk about your stress with. Appreciate the little things that you love about her.

When your life settles down...your perspective will change :)

I'm the same with Quacks. Had to break up to realize really how important my gf is to me.

I see your situation as more of your side then hers. TBH you need to relax abit, it sounds like your pushing yourself so hard your going to break ties in your relationship. If she's working & going to school, there has to be some relaxing time. You can't go full blast all the time, because before you know it, your brain is going to be completely burnt out and you'll get nothing done for awhile (been there... done that.)

If anything, I'd sit down by myself somewhere, and think about what you want in life. Then think about how your gf fits into that picture. If changes must occur, (for you, or her) talk to her about both, let her know how your feeling. But ease into it.. you don't want to come off like a complete douche right? saying she's not working hard enough or something.

Everybodies different. Even though she came from a rich family, doesn't seem to work hard.. she could really be trying. Making stereotypes about rich little princesses is nice and all, until you say it to them and they slap you and leave. =| (no affence just a joke. =] )

This sounds like a chick I'd like to love :) You dating anyone spectacular?

Obviously I joke...dino is my girlfriend, and I agree with all the above.

Our life gets a little complicated at times. We live together. We work together.

I find people do two shifts in relationships in mid 20's. One-you've been dating someone and its time to either amp it up, or ditch. That happens in any relationship. The second one is, high school is behind you, post secondary is behind you and now you are starting to pick what type of life you want.

Before you take this girl to Australia to be dumped, I'd make damn sure she fits your life plan. If you are looking for a motivated career woman, and she wants to stay at home and raise kids, or just stay at home without kids then its never going to work for you.

She's told you where she's at.

Time to decide what you are going to do, because it isn't going to go away. In fact, its going to get worse when you are in an expensive city-alone and for the first while only have each other to rely on.

Think you have stress now? Wait until she comes to you saying she hates it there.

My prediction is, her life mate will spend the rest of his life trying to please her. Just a hunch.

To each his own, but damn :heckno:
How do you guys manage that?

You really have to separate work from relationship. Yes, we work together but we do our own thing at work. It is not like we drive to work together and sit next to each other all day. We manage buildings and are always coming and going. He sticks to what he does, I stick to what I do.

When we argue about work....it is ONLY about work! Like any type of debate or discussion you have with a co-worker, you leave emotion out of it and NEVER make it personal. ie: these are the facts....this is my argument...I don't not think you are right, but I will hear your opinion....lets negotiate and find a solution.

We respect each other as friends/co-workers/lovers (that sounds creepy) and stick to those categories when we have an issue. We are both educated, strong-minded, driven, and hard working- we respect that in each other.

This is not the first time I have worked with a SO. It can work....and actually, it is easier a lot of the times. Grid and I were also friends for about 6 years before we started dating, so I think that helps a little.

it's clear the 2 of you have different expectations in the relationship. In a ideal world, yes both of you will/can "change" for each other but if its not in your heart, someone will only grow to resent it. I've seen alot of people make changes in the short term to make their SO happy only to find themselves in the same situation again and again. Permanent change is difficult unless they want it personally. With that said, the ball is really in your court in my opinion. Try to make some changes, but make you decision based on the facts and not on what can happen or what it could be. Look long and hard in your heart and head to decide if what you have now is what you want and what makes you happy. Only than are you in control of your happiness.

there's no such thing as half way when you're from two different social classes (hell i was gonna say there's no such thing as half way with women hah).

dude you're gonna have to just work your ass off and work hard and achieve what you want.

why would she be holding you back? you want what you want, work hard, reach out and grab it.

she wants to be a house wife, she wants more travelling, more dates, well you said you wanted to work hard right? she's giving you the reasons to.


girls are like cats okay. they'll respect you and love you but if you can't provide them with what they want (their "wants"), they're gonna eventually leave you. make no mistakes, their wants, are just as important as your goals in life. no matter how much more materialistic theirs are, you cant belittle their goals and dreams in life. women don't have dreams of becoming corporate CEO's and ruling the world. they dream of what they want in life, and they'll find someone that can provide that. it's as simple as that.

and while we're on the subject of cats, yes, they love to lay around once in a while and just stare and do nothing and just be lazy. we all do, but women a lot more.


forget what everyone else says about being equal and fair and meeting half way in a relationship. that's a fantasy, maybe one in a thousand (or more these days). you have to be realistic, she's from a higher class family, and she's beautiful. so far, you're only providing her love and POTENTIALLY fulfilling her future dream. the ball is in her court. you're gonna have to meet a little closer to her end of the road if anything.

you're the man. you're acting the part now by working hard and all that shit.

but let me tell you, social background does matter. you come from a different world than she does.
different class of people, different world, different expectations and goals in life.

ESPECIALLY WOMEN.

the disparity between men and women grows as you move up the social ladder. kings don't have time to do many things, they're too busy ruling kingdoms. queens have to fulfil the role of management of the house and family. that's just the way it fucking is.

not only will she not be willing to downgrade, her parents will start nagging her when you cant provide the things they hoped their future husband could.

i'd say, just work hard and do what you need to do. if she wants to go on vacations or whatever else, spend what you can. but if you reach a point where you cant anymore, just sit down and talk to her. if she can understand, great (it doesnt mean she still wont leave you in the future though). if she can't understand, then whatever, work hard and achieve social status, the ball will be in your court one day and all that hard work will have paid off.

I know my post sounds negative, and pretentious. but i'm a realist. most people have no idea what it's like being from a higher social class, they only know what they've seen on tv and movies. it's not just about the money, there's a lot more to it. im just telling you what i've seen and experienced in my life. coming from a higher social class, isnt just about spending power, it's a whole other culture that most people wont ever understand (as i can tell from this thread).

i've gone out with girls, -7 years to +6 years my age. from all social classes. they're all the same when they're young, their all just fascinated by love. but it really shows when they're older, especially when they near the end of their 20's, reality really hits them hard and they'll go for whoever can open that door of dreams for them. when they're 30+, you're gonna really have to fit their criteria for what you can provide, especially if they're already rich AND beautiful.

it's not materialistic, they're just worth more, therefore can demand more.
it's not materialistic if you're from a higher social class. view the world from their eyes.

we men, don't work hard to make all that money for no god damn reason. we want a better car, better house, and better women. they all cost a lot more.




before people reply saying not all women are like that, blah blah blah. yes, you're right, not all women are like that. you go out and find one, if you do, lol, you're god damn lucky, for the rest of you that wont find one (and you most probably wont), you're gonna eventually settle for one that is satisfied with what you can provide in the long run. that's all i can say.



PS, i just wanted to throw this in. if you guys ever break up. don't blame her. it's not her fault. like i said, two different worlds. and especially, don't blame yourself. and don't stop working hard.

two paths may cross and then split, but it doesn't mean they wont ever meet again. it could be a timing issue.

good luck dude, for real.
:thumbs:

^this man said it all! speaking from personal experience, two classes rarely EVER, if ever, go hand in hand. But you never know. I'd stay focused on your own future, afterall, if she was to fight and stay with you, your future is her future.

the word love is not what it once meant anymore. Love now tends to factor all the external things like security, face, all that materialistic stuff... Good luck dude!

Holy crap, ulic hit that one out of the park. :)

I'm in something similar.

Girl is epic rich, not spoiled but things came easy in life. What happens then? These people tend not to be able to connect with people. What and how? You go out once in a blue moon for fine dining, you save up to go mexico cheap 4 star hotel and you shop once in a blue moon. You work and earn your ways in life.

The rich person: Goes traveling each year, doesn't really have to work much in life, travels lots. They seem to not be able to connect with people. Don't get me wrong, they are humble, but sometimes they realize, damn, how come people don't have free time like me, or share the same values. well it's cause people spend 10 years to get to where you got to when you were born.

It's a tough love thing. I am still in the game cause of what, cuase i can hold my own. I tell her htat I dont' give about shit about your riches. I can provide something that the girl can't buy. I give her constant reality checks so that she realizes she cant' take me for granted. I have no issues just walking out on her if hse's a bitch. I know what I have to offer and I know i get better when i get older.

The rich person has to realize one thing, what they are chasing for whether it's cars, shopping, nice house etc... at the end, it MEANS nothing. I fill my life with great friends and family, the person that was rich, is really empty cause while they have all the nice toys, they aren't as happy within.

I don't mean to high jack this thread but I'm also in a similar situation. I'm seeing one of those rich Mainland Chinese girls and I grew up in East Van. My girl is decent but like the girls above, she seems to think money comes easy.

How do you give your girl constant reality checks? Do you threaten to walk out on her? Implicitly?

http://www.dimensionsguide.com/wp-co...brams-Tank.jpg
it

though she asks alot itll always be worth it. lashing out is hard to refrain from i can admmit i have done that b4 to my "ex" and well yah, shes my ex now :alone:

Just to add to what Quack said, there's nothing wrong with a stay at home mom, if you're planning a family. Staying at home is more work than you (and maybe she) thinks it is.

IMO, assuming that I can provide for the family, I would much rather have my wife stay at home, take care of the kids and raise them with the values and attitudes that we as a family care about.

You can have your wife go work for another man, and have another man's wife come work for you and look after your kids, but that's called a wife swap. I would much rather have my own wife take care of my family and home.

oh Johnnie lol.. nice try but it's too detailed to be your "friend" :lol

let's catch up sometimes, I can lend you an ear if you wish.

and.. um.. woooo saaaa, don't go into critical mass mode...

Shades: It's really really hard. To be honest, the girl I'm seeing is epic rich and to let them know or to "help" them to bring them back to reality is not something you should do, nor somethign they want to hear.

It takes skills to really let them know that "hey, just be thankful you have the luxury of _____ goign on vacation 3 times a month, or not having to pay rent, eat out all the time"

Do you know when you're a kid, you always wanted an iphone, but now, you got it, it's really not a big deal. Do you know you can chase after a nice car, a nice house, a nice fridge, but in the end, all these things are worthless when you're sitting at home lonely by yourself

There's a few things I don't do is to judge them. I always just humbly say "you have the luxury of not having to ____" than to say, your family is just rich, or you don't get it cause you never have to pay rent.. etc.. these hard face to face confrontation wont' work. It just takes time to really bring them to a good reality check in a non judgemental manner seems to work best.

Thank you for your reply. I will give your non confrontational approach a try when the situation calls for it.

At one point I was telling her how my 5+ year old top is slow and dirty and she asked "Why don't you just buy a new one?"

I replied that I like old things but the truth is, I'm embarassed I'm broke.

She has the first and second generation ipad, so I don't expect her to understand.