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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 11-16-2011, 12:31 AM   #1
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Should a man move into his girl's place?

Serious question: This is my first time I move into someone's place to live.

I used to live by my own or with my gf (now fiance), no problem whatsoever, everything was fine for me. I understood girls needs personal space, so she had her own room for her clothes and stuff, no strict rules as I realized this is the only way to minimize fights and arguments. She did complain once in awhile (such as she feels like she's only a guest in my place), hence I tried my very best to change my "fort" into a place we commonly own. It lasted for about 1.5 yrs.

Then I sold my tiny apartment a year ago as the market continues to boom and all sorts of considersations. I packad all my belongings to my parents' place and she moved to an empty apartment which her parents' own, I spend my weekday nights at her place, two bedrooms nothing fancy and location is quite ideal for both of us as it's at the center of the city. It is not a luxury one, but it's very comfortable for first time owner. She got the key in April, paid for all the renovation fee and decided everything inside, I got a strong feeling from her that telling me "THIS IS MY PLACE".

Sometimes, she gets upset when I not follow her house rules or when I buy something new without her actual permission. That feeling is like "don't go anywhere unless I tell you to, or else you will be trespassing THIS IS MY PLACE! You get that". We talked about this feeling several times, but that doesn't seem to go away. She still acts very dominating and protective to her own space.

We DO have plan and money to buy our own place, but probably not until we get married and after paying off all the wedding debts. My concern is no matter who owns the place, things will not work out if we don't have that "Our Home" feeling. Now I've no idea how to make things better, should I just let it like this or should I simply go back home to sleep every night. I am looking for comments from RSers?

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Old 11-16-2011, 12:55 AM   #2
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Old 11-16-2011, 12:59 AM   #3
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This is a sign of things to come. Better bail out now.
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Old 11-16-2011, 01:02 AM   #4
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Good luck sir
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Old 11-16-2011, 01:07 AM   #5
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Old 11-16-2011, 02:45 AM   #6
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^ I am sure she's quite happy about having her own place....

I don't know if this a big issue or not, I am sure some of you prohibit your gf/wife to drive your car or flip out if she logs in to your PC account?
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Old 11-16-2011, 03:20 AM   #7
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Maybe you caught her on her rag :P

But honestly, have you talked to her about it and voiced your concerns? Cuz dude, you kids are engaged, this isn't the kiddie pool anymore, you're swimming with the big boys now, better to get it all out before the vows are exchanged.

If she has a problem, you send her to me and I'll knock some sense into her :P
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:24 AM   #8
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I think that a woman is naturally protective of her "nest". I learned long ago that my dad had to follow all of my mom's rules in our house ie. Socks off the moment you come back to work and wipe your feet on the towel before you take one step on to the tile. No walking around and sitting in "clothes that have been worn outside the house" cus it'll contaminate the furniture and you'll make everything smell bad. Some women are ocd or plain anal like that. But look on the bright side, you'll live in an extremely spotless house =p. I duno if that's what you're getting at or experiencing but there's
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:23 AM   #9
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I think that a woman is naturally protective of her "nest". I learned long ago that my dad had to follow all of my mom's rules in our house ie. Socks off the moment you come back to work and wipe your feet on the towel before you take one step on to the tile. No walking around and sitting in "clothes that have been worn outside the house" cus it'll contaminate the furniture and you'll make everything smell bad. Some women are ocd or plain anal like that. But look on the bright side, you'll live in an extremely spotless house =p. I duno if that's what you're getting at or experiencing but there's
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My parents have rules like that. My brother and I would always have clothing we wore INSIDE the house but its because my dad is the OCD one.

But when it gets to the point where he's feeling like he cant do anything without her permission... Better lay it all out and set it straight before they tie the knot. It seems like the OP was very understanding of his fiance's needs and space when she lived with him, but when the tables have turned he's on a short leash. A relationship is a two way street.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:33 AM   #10
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why don't you complain once in a while (such as you feel you are only a guest in her house)
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:03 AM   #11
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My wife and I have been married for over 3 years now and she still says "my" apartment when we talk about our condo.
It's still bugs me, and I know she isn't doing it to bug me.

You have 2 choices. Learn to let it go or buy your own man cave.

I chose the second option. My cars are my man caves and she knows it. She has no say on what I buy for my cars.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:29 AM   #12
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Define "buying something new". If its a big piece that takes up space like furniture, you should discuss with her first, your place or her place doesn't matter. Imagine you have a roommate hauling shits to the shared suite without discussion. You'd be pretty pissed off.

Did you agree on the her rules? If you did then you should follow it. Be a man and keep your words. If she just Nazi it up then you need to set the boundary. Any conflict, you both should meet in the middle, be constructive, not avoidant.

If the she isn't willing to meet in the middle then turn and run away, don't walk.
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Old 11-16-2011, 10:51 AM   #13
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I don't know. I mean you shoulnd't have to tell your gf everytime u got something (shoes, computers, little toys). But for something big (desk, beds, coffee table) it would be nice to get her approval.

I think bot you and her needs to lay the grounds like what you want and what she wants and go from there.

Like many other males there are some rules I strectly go by and no one can change it.Say for example NO ONE is ever allow to touch my desktop without my permission, doesn't matter if you are my wife or my mom.

I do feel your gf is being a bit unreasonable at this point. Why not talk to her about it.

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Old 11-16-2011, 11:22 AM   #14
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I moved into my girls place when we started dating, now we have a place we found together and were both really happy.
I can understand how she would feel like she is only a guest as there is very little input in the place you live, dacore and so on. This things seem to be very important to women.

I have experienced this somewhat but you just need to talk. Explain how you feel about everything and put it all out there. Communication solves so many relationship problems.
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Old 11-16-2011, 01:32 PM   #15
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I have a feeling it's because it's her parents place and her money that went into the renovations that have her saying "it's her place".

Whenever the wife and I have an disagreement with something like this, I always put her in the situation I'm in and ask her if you think it is fair. If your woman is at all reasonable, then she will at least try to understand.

If not, then run like hell.
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Old 11-16-2011, 05:25 PM   #16
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So you guys use to live together until you sold your place...then she moved one place and you moved another? Did I understand that correctly? If so, there is something else to this...

Girls don't act bitchy and possessive unless there is an underlying reason. I know you don't "live" there, but when you stay during the week do you contribute any way? Groceries? Utilities? Or do her parents cover everything? Do you help clean? Do the dishes? Make a mess?

Honestly, there is something else going on...is she annoyed you don't live with her full-time? Does she now like living alone and is second-guessing the upcoming marriage? Is she annoyed that you stay there during the week?

I can not stress to you enough, that I really think there is something else going on...
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Old 11-16-2011, 06:33 PM   #17
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^ I moved back home, because my dad was in the hosital for 4 months this year and my mom needs to be taken care. We share all the house work and expenses, but I admit it's the time I should spend more with her in the house.

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Define "buying something new". If its a big piece that takes up space like furniture, you should discuss with her first, your place or her place doesn't matter. Imagine you have a roommate hauling shits to the shared suite without discussion. You'd be pretty pissed off.

Did you agree on the her rules? If you did then you should follow it. Be a man and keep your words. If she just Nazi it up then you need to set the boundary. Any conflict, you both should meet in the middle, be constructive, not avoidant.

If the she isn't willing to meet in the middle then turn and run away, don't walk.
something small, like a tooth brush holder, my own cup from dollar store, or clothes hangers that don't match the rest etc. and then a lot of things like xmisstrinh mentioned, like toilet seat down all the time, kitchen lights should be turned on, should not take the garbage out after 10 or something.
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Old 11-16-2011, 07:10 PM   #18
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OP, here's an advice...move out and:



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Old 11-16-2011, 07:42 PM   #19
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I don't see the problem. It's HER place.

How would you feel if the car you've owned and bought by yourself (before the relationship) she suddenly gets to leave and decorate stuff in it for her own personal comfort? Like say... putting hello kitty figurines on your dashboard, pink throw pillows in the back seat, etc.

Just because she's in a relationship with you, is that automation for entitlement for everything you own?



However, when you both do purchase property together, that's entirely different. Property purchased together means you've got equal claims IMO.
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Old 11-16-2011, 07:59 PM   #20
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^ I moved back home, because my dad was in the hosital for 4 months this year and my mom needs to be taken care. We share all the house work and expenses, but I admit it's the time I should spend more with her in the house.

i meant, do you do those things at her place since you are there during the week.
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:07 PM   #21
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To me it sounds like she lives by the rule. "The money I make, I Spend, and the money You make, We both Spend"
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Old 11-16-2011, 08:41 PM   #22
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at this point it seems that she's not mature enough to think of the things coming out of her mouth...either you shut up and just take it as it, or you might have to get another place if you decide to get married...btw...is she paying the mortgage? or are you? or is it paid for?
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:33 PM   #23
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All this "is she paying the mortgage" and "who owns the place" seems pretty irrelevant to me. You are talking about living together with this person for the rest of your life. Petty things like who "owns" something and being "forbidden" from doing things is grounds for trouble, IMO.
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Old 11-16-2011, 09:34 PM   #24
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All this "is she paying the mortgage" and "who owns the place" seems pretty irrelevant to me. You are talking about living together with this person for the rest of your life. Petty things like who "owns" something and being "forbidden" from doing things is grounds for trouble, IMO.
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Old 11-16-2011, 11:41 PM   #25
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All this "is she paying the mortgage" and "who owns the place" seems pretty irrelevant to me. You are talking about living together with this person for the rest of your life. Petty things like who "owns" something and being "forbidden" from doing things is grounds for trouble, IMO.
Yeah but at the end of the day, even in marriage, there are HER things, and there are YOUR things.

In fact, it's not even HER things, since isn't the apartment her family's/parent's property? I mean, if you're not going to respect your gf's property (because you have the expectation of entitlement due to relationship) then at least respect that it's her parent's property; and maybe do not get too overly comfortable with that particular living space, at least until you both get your home that's entirely both yours.

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