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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 11-30-2011, 02:04 PM   #1
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Mega-billionaire seeks hot twin bodyguard/assassins

Mega-billionaire seeks hot twin bodyguard/assassins - m4ww


It has come into my knowledge that a certain left-wing underground society is targeting me and my vast wealth. The only way I know to protect myself is to do what all mega-billionaires do in this day and age: hire hot twin assassins to protect them.

Job requirements:
● Must be proficient in hand to hand combat techniques
● Must be able to handle Warsaw and NATO Pact small arms and on occasion heavier hardware, like TV guided missiles. The one with the camera on it.
● Able to identify biochemical agents. These are mostly labeled, but there are a couple of techs I employ that refuse to write anything down.
● Training programs ARE available, as there are terribly few biochemist/assassin/weapon experts in the world

Relocation:
● You must move into my secret lair upon getting hired.
● I have to move my secret lair on occasion due to attacks from the aforementioned left-wing agendaists. Must be able to lift 40 pounds unassisted. I hired a moving company one time. They were secret agents. I had to trick them into driving into a volcano.

Salary: Negotiable based on experience. I will be doing background checks on applicants.
Benefits: Full health and dental. We have a flex spending account to get laser eye correction done, I can't abide people wearing glasses (exception: safety glasses) while firing pistols akimbo and diving through shattering glass. We have an accidental death and dismemberment clause also, since our insurance company doesn't know exactly WHAT we do here; however, it does NOT cover accidents based on biochemical agents that are improperly marked or handled. We also have a fierce 401K plan.

I am also looking for backup sets of twin assassins. Don't feel bad if you get second-stringed, the right-wing ultranationalists that have differing opinions on how many mulligans one is allowed in a friendly game of golf are consistently sending agents to kill me. So the first set might not make it. Just last week our catering company was infiltrated and attempted to poison me with steak tartar. Luckily, I find that dish to be vile and wanted nothing to do with it.

I look forward to hearing from you!
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:15 PM   #2
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This can't be real.
Why would this guy who is being hunted down make a public listing for a body guard? That would be way too easy to find him and kill him
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Old 11-30-2011, 02:18 PM   #3
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its obviously a joke
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Old 11-30-2011, 03:48 PM   #4
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I'm PRETTY sure (and hopeful) that MX703 is being sarcastic.

I forwarded the job posting to my unemployed female friends.
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Old 11-30-2011, 03:51 PM   #5
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unemployed assassins looking from jobs on craigslist hahaha that be gold
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Old 11-30-2011, 03:55 PM   #6
Head of HR....have a seat on that couch
 
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Maybe this....guy should apply:

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can we stop, my pussy hurts...
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fliptuner, I am gonna grab ur dick and pee in your face, then rub shit all over my face...:lol
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when I was 13 I wanted to be a video hoe so bad


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Old 11-30-2011, 04:10 PM   #7
Banned (ABWS)?
 
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Looks like he made the same mistake as the guys in this video.
No where in his ad did he even mention "female"
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Old 12-01-2011, 02:03 AM   #8
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What the fuck...

I'm so confused nao ><
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Old 12-01-2011, 02:11 AM   #9
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I posted this on my friends wall

Her and her sister should apply lol
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Old 12-01-2011, 02:15 AM   #10
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wut?!?!
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Old 12-01-2011, 08:27 AM   #11
7.5lbs overweight: that's not bad
 
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clicked on thread hoping for pics
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