REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

jimzilla · 12-07-2011, 11:04 AM

So I have been lost and need the advice of Revscene.

I just recently, within the past week, lost a very very close friend to a fatal aircraft accident and this week has been very rough. This is my first lost of someone very close to me.

I am usually asleep every night by 11pm but ever since this accident I haven't been able to sleep for the past 5 days because my mind is still in denial and the "what if's" keep on running thru my mind as I lay in my bed eyes wide open. I am also a hardcore weightlifter so my strict diet has gone to shits and I'm either not eating or binge eating to get my mind off this.

Me and the friends have gotten together a couple times and reminisced the good times we had with said friend and that has helped alot. But when we depart ways, I find myself back in the little blackhole that I've gotten myself into.

I guess writing this out helped my that very little bit. But we all know that "Time heals all."

If any of you guys have lost someone close, how did you cope with it and move on?

TIA

!Yaminashi · 12-07-2011, 11:25 AM

Damn sorry to hear that man. I've never experienced this yet and I hope to not have to for a while.

As I havent gone through this my suggestions may suck, but maybe you and your friends could all get together and do things/go on trips that your friend wouldve wanted to do/go on?

It ties in with the reminiscing I guess, but in a way you're helping your friend live out the things they never did get to do? You may still have the "what ifs" going through your head, but at least in your heart you know you did what you could to remember your friend and help them try to fulfill their dreams even after they're gone.

jimzilla · 12-07-2011, 11:30 AM

The thing with my friend that passed away was he probably lived about 3 lifetimes worth of partying and travelling within his short 29 years. He knew how to live and have a good time, the life of the party type of guy. Sigh

Z3guy · 12-07-2011, 11:36 AM

^ sorry to hear man, but I think the best way for you to get through this tough patch in life is to honour your friend. Have you considered doing a charity event for something he stood for? not only would this be good to keep his positive memory alive, but it would be rewarding to you for doing something selfless for your bud. my two cents.

NLY · 12-07-2011, 11:46 AM

You have to keep your head up and smile, that's what your friend would of wanted. Theres nothing wrong with missing someone and it may take a toll on your life especially if you guys were so close. Try to focus on the positive memories and build upon that. No one expects to cope like a light switch and time will be the remedy. Spend more time with your family and friends, they will look out for you.

dinosaur · 12-07-2011, 12:07 PM

Have you considered talking to a professional about it?

My dad passed away fairly unexpected in June 2010...today is actually his birthday.

After about a week of being numb, I found myself having problems sleeping - both, falling asleep and staying asleep. I lost my appetite and always felt nauseous.

I am not a super open person and had problems talking to my friends and family about it because I never wanted to make them upset or feel bad.

I started to see a therapist about the whole situation b/c it was also causing a little bit of anxiety. So many questions would race through my head and I would do ANYTHING to distract myself.

It helped talking to someone who was not involved with my dad's passing. I could ask question, complain, be upset, etc. without having to worry that I was upsetting someone or annoying them.

I can honestly say, that I have still not fully dealt with his passing...and I don't know if I ever will. But, "life" has pretty much gone back to "normal".

It takes time, but you will feel better. Try to keep working out and try to eat as healthy as you can. Being lethargic and eating poorly can add to the "funk".

Remember, what you are feeling right now is NORMAL!

The best thing you have done so far is to talk about your feelings and asking for help.

So sorry for your loss.

Ulic Qel-Droma · 12-07-2011, 12:24 PM

a loss of a person is like a bad break up. You just have to move on, the same way.

just realise there is nothing you can do, or could have done, and living in the world of open possibilities (what if's) is not helping in anyway.

don't even focus on the positive memories. just forget everything and the feeling will pass.

once the feeling has passed, you will remember only the good things, and all the bad things will just be a thing of the past.

im not saying don't mourn. just don't over mourn. keep it short.

racerman88 · 12-11-2011, 09:42 AM

you definitely need to have a good support group like your friends. I would talk to your other friends to see if they are having the same problem. IT will take a while for something like this to heal.
Always try to focus on the positive things and keep yourself busy. Maybe knowing that your friend lived life to his fullest should put you a little more at ease.

vafanculo · 12-11-2011, 09:57 AM

I'm pre-mourning. My dad is gonna pass any day now. First time losing someone. Kinda scared of what to expect.

But I think there's no right way to mourn. Every person has their own way of dealing with stuff. I think time is the biggest piece of the puzzle. Anything else, we have to learn on the go.

If you can't sleep at night, just close your eyes and think of your fave memories with that person. Some what worked for me last night.
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dinosaur · 12-11-2011, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vafanculo

I'm pre-mourning. My dad is gonna pass any day now. First time losing someone. Kinda scared of what to expect.

But I think there's no right way to mourn. Every person has their own way of dealing with stuff. I think time is the biggest piece of the puzzle. Anything else, we have to learn on the go.

If you can't sleep at night, just close your eyes and think of your fave memories with that person. Some what worked for me last night.
Posted via RS Mobile

I am so sorry for what you are going through

saucywoman · 12-11-2011, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dinosaur

I am so sorry for what you are going through

Same

sorry man
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MelonBoy · 12-11-2011, 08:35 PM

Talk it out with someone really close to you.. cry if your holding it in. Letting it all out will make you feel better, more so if you have someone close to comfort/understand where its coming from.

XplicitLuder · 12-11-2011, 08:47 PM

i recently lost a friend of mine last week. found out the news ON my bday..its unbelievable.. all i can say is stay close with your friends and loved ones and don't sit here and mourn about their life. Go out there and enjoy it, cherish every moment you had with them and maybe when you do something that they liked, dedicate it to them. Im still in denial, and will be for a while, but its true when they say only time will heal. Be happy for them , smile for them. They woulda wanted you to be happy

ps : what i say may not work for you or others, but it's what im doing and i know that's what they would have wanted for me

-hugs-

vafanculo · 12-13-2011, 08:26 PM

I don't wanna make this a contest, but you know what's wack? Today is my bday, and it looks like my dad has only a few hours left, I'm at his side.

Atleast its a present I will never forget about.

P.s... Only posting on RS as I need to get my mind clear
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GabAlmighty · 12-13-2011, 08:30 PM

Matt? I'm sorry to hear man, best thing is to just remember the good times and keep in mind he'd just want you to move on and be happy for the time you guys had together.

LSF22 · 12-13-2011, 10:28 PM

Condolences to both of you.

I can't imagine what you both went through... especially on your birthdays and whatnot. As others have said, remember the good times and cherish every second with loved ones.

dinosaur · 12-13-2011, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vafanculo

I don't wanna make this a contest, but you know what's wack? Today is my bday, and it looks like my dad has only a few hours left, I'm at his side.

Atleast its a present I will never forget about.

P.s... Only posting on RS as I need to get my mind clear
Posted via RS Mobile

Thinking about you

He will be at peace soon.

HonestTea · 12-14-2011, 12:50 AM

FUCK

Condolences to both of you.

Stay strong you guys.

Senna4ever · 12-14-2011, 01:08 AM

I just lost my mom unexpectedly due to illness a few months ago, and it was the worst time of my life. I mean, your parents are always there for you, and for one of them to not be there when you open the door to the house is still inconceivable to me. I had very strong support from family and friends, and I would have been lost without them. cry when you need to, don't hold it in - talk to friends and family, again, don't hold it in. You also need to take care of yourself - your friend wouldn't want to see you self destruct, right? Eat properly, try to sleep (yes, I know it's difficult) properly.

Vanfanculo, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. You take care of yourself too.

vafanculo · 12-14-2011, 06:00 AM

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

I'm really sorry about your mom. I'd go crazy. I'm undecided if an unexpected death, or a long time coming one is better. But realistically, they both suck. I guess with the latter, you have time to accept it and hopefully have a chance to say goodbye.
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jimzilla · 12-15-2011, 12:05 PM

My condolences and thoughts are with you vafanculo. And thanks alot guys, it really "helps" sharing the journey that everyone has gone/going through.

I'm slowly getting back into the routine of things (work, gym, eating, sleep, hanging with friends). I went to my friends funeral last week in Toronto and all I think I needed was closure. It hit pretty hard when I watched that casket get lowered into the ground.

I've gotten over the denial and stuff and I'm onto acceptance now. I still get the random times where my mind remembers a funny/good memory and I hold the tears I shed, but I mostly chuckle now and have a huge smile on my face.

As it is the holiday season now, I am grateful for having known such a wonderful man and probably the most skilled pilot I have ever flown with.

jACEDesignsLtd · 12-16-2011, 12:20 AM

Stages of Grief

Coping with Grief and Loss: Support for Grieving and Bereavement

St. Michael's Centre - Resources

denham · 01-13-2012, 10:08 AM

My condolences to jimzilla and vafanculo. I am a bit late to this thread, but better late than never. I lost my father to suicide in 2007 so I just wanted to share a few words about how things have gone for me.

As well as being very sad, I was angry, and I felt very guilty, as if it was my fault in some way. I would feel angry, then I'd feel guilty for feeling angry. I'd feel guilty when I had a good day, because I was 'supposed' to be mourning. I had a lot of emotions that I couldn't understand or control at the time. What I've learned about that is that it's okay. Those emotions are there for a reason, it's not your fault, you shouldn't feel guilty for having emotions which you don't feel are appropriate. However you feel is all part of the process.

As for moving on, well it's easy for me to say it just takes time, but that's really my experience. For me, I suppressed a lot of emotions at the time, because that's what I needed to do to function. Again, don't feel bad for this. Just do what comes naturally to you, it'll all work out. There are some questions that I'm only starting to ask now, 4 years later, that I was not in a good enough place to ask before. The mind is an amazing thing, just trust it and it will guide you through this. Once you are at a place to talk about it, then do. I see from your post you're already reaching out for guidance, which is a great sign.

It will get better