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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 01-02-2012, 10:50 PM   #1
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Moving out/in

So I'm in this situation where my gf wants to move in together(I do too),but I came from a traditional/conservative catholic Asian family where it's not acceptable or odd to live in together not married...I'm at the moment of my life where I need to start on my own and be independent but clearly my parents doesn't want me to move out yet...I'm just wondering if anybody in RS were in the same boat as I am now and I wanna hear what you did...and I wanna hear opinions from people who live with the parents still..I'm not hear to judge anybody, I respect everyone's opinion and decision. I just wanna hear both sides...thanks

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Old 01-03-2012, 12:15 AM   #2
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honest question, how old are you?

Regardless of the inevitable disapproval you will both receive from your parents, moving in with a female partner is a huge step to take in a relationship, especially if you haven't had the opportunity to spend a few nights a week in your own place together to feel each other out. Young relationships almost never work out, regardless of how infatuated you two are with each other at the moment. Add the stress of living together too early, the relationship is even more likely to end. If you move in together then the relationship ending won't be simple anymore, you can't just say goodbye. Now one of you needs to find a new place to live, you need to split up all the things you bought together, one of you needs to pack and move and your living expenses will likely double for awhile since you aren't sharing bills anymore.

In your mind, living together sounds amazing, but in reality it can become a nightmare. i moved in with a girl when i was 21, that won't happen again till i'm engaged to keep things easy to end should the need arise.

hopefully that didn't come across too harsh.

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Old 01-03-2012, 12:47 AM   #3
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don't do it man

first shes going to take over the kitchen, then the washroom, then the entire apartment, then the cars, your bank accounts, the apartment papers, other assets/funds papers and finally take over your LIFE
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Old 01-03-2012, 01:01 AM   #4
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When I moved out of my parents house I had graduated and lucky enough to start my career right off the bat. As long as you're financially stable and you understand the responsibilities that are included, I say go for it. At first my parents were hesitant about me leaving being an only child. I had plenty of room and space at home honestly, my parents were usually at work or on vacation so most of the time the house was empty. It just got to a point where I wanted my own "space" as ridiculous that sounds. I wanted to mount the TV to my specifications, I wanted the couches laid out a certain way. I talked to my dad first (mom is a little dramatic) and he thought it was a good idea. (good old dad, my room is now filled with a pool table) When I broke the news to my mom she teared up but she got over it eventually. Parents will always have a hard time letting go but they understand we will have to leave the nest at some point. I had some friends that are in real estate so locating an apartment wasn't difficult. My parents actually paid for my down payment as a graduation gift so I wasn't as financially strained. All in all it's definitely different, a lot more work involved but I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

Moving on to the second part..living with your girlfriend. I may be the wrong person to ask but I wouldn't recommend it. (read my privacy problem thread if you're wondering why) In a relationship, there's only so much time you can spend together before it becomes repulsive. It doesn't matter how great she is now, or how amazing she assures you moving in together will be, PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN THEY START LIVING TOGETHER. It's hard to describe but it almost becomes a territorial battle when it comes to living together. If you weight the pros and cons of moving in with your girlfriend (I say girlfriend not wife) in my opinion, the cons outweigh the pros. Most guys do it because "yes we're going to have sex all the time." Yeah it's great but it's definitely not worth giving up your own privacy. I would rather keep my living space the way I want it without any complaints. I want to get away from work and go home and just relax without dealing with who left the toilet seat up or who's putting the dishes in the washer. My apartment is my castle where I am the king and I plan to keep it that way for as long as possible. The best way to retain that dream? Don't move in with your girlfriend. All the friends that are living with significant others can list arguments and complaints all day, my only complaint is.....actually I don't have any.

It ultimately boils down to you're/your girlfriend's personalities (reading my response, I would love to live alone. It's just easier for both parties. If I'm in the mood to see her, I'll call her. If I don't want to see her, that's possible as well ) and the mechanics of the relationship. It seems like you're both ready to make a commitment to each other and bring the relationship to another level.

Again I'm speaking from my own opinion and experience.
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Old 01-03-2012, 08:03 AM   #5
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one thing you have that people on RS might not understand is the religion factor. follow the steps below and ur family loves u and ur church friends will still respect u.

this is how to handle this situation professionally and maturely no matter how old you are.
1) move out. tell your parents you are doing this urself and on your own.
2) live by yourself without help. stay that way, keep ur keys and keep your things separate.
3) once your parents have seen you on your feet ALONE, without gf LIVING at your house, you will earn their respect.
4)stay firm with your gf: i will ask you to move in ONLY when i feel like it, end of story. you might not even get a key ever.

WHY?

this iswhat happens (to other friends of mine).
1) moves out, live in with gf
2) disrespects the family and you have your butt stuck so far up your ass that you don't care
3) when your gf breaks up,you don't have enough money for rent, you are strapped, you move back home
4) you get disowned cause your family doesn't like how to ended it whether it was just you renting a place with ur hard cash (or worse, they helped u with down paymentwith a place.)

just an FYI, do the right thing. u won't even believe how many epic fails i've seen.
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Old 01-03-2012, 08:33 AM   #6
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In all honesty, I think it's really important that everyone have a period in their life where they live 100% on their own. If you're going to leave your house you should do that first before trying to incorperate another person into your independant-from-your-parents identity. It's important (or at least I believe) to know you can survive on your own.

Further the data on living together is not good. Unless you're a person who believes in and supports common law marriage (which it appears neither you nor your family do), if you intend to get married and settle down eventually, all the research shows that you should not move in together prior to getting engaged or making a serious long term commitment (children, what have you).
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:27 AM   #7
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do some calculations.

calculate your monthly cost of living (all expenses on everything... INCLUDING putting savings aside and emergency funds... aka your car breaks down, and the repair bill is a grand, you shouldnt dig into your savings for that).

your savings should be savings for big shit. like a house/apartment down payment. or a car.
not for clothes, not for replacing those shoes that are worn out, or replacing that old computer.

your emergency funds should be for big repairs, or when things need actual replacing (you accidentally pop your tires, or your cat destroys your 2000 dollar couch, or your girlfriend smashes your mirrors and breaks your computer lol).

then add 20% on top of that because i guarantee you'll spend more than you thought you would.

if you can afford that and not be stressed out. do it.

if all fails, at least you have learnt what it's like living on your own, and you can ALWAYS move back home. that's the backup.

as for your girl moving in with you. unless she's splitting everything 50/50, you are the boss. don't let her take over. don't let her abuse you and take advantage of your apartment.

the girl side of the story is less important than the experience of living alone.
if she doesnt work out u can always dump her or find a new gf or just live the single life alone (which is always awesome too).

just make sure she contributes and doesn't leech (unless you don't mind and have the money to support that kind of breadwinner lifestyle).

you wont know till you move out.

i mean, if i decided to live at home and i never moved out, i'd have an extra 70grand in the bank now on top of what i saved.
the cons would be: a lot less freedom (eagle eyes at home), and people laughing at the fact that i live at home. (i don't know how much freedom you get in your parents home, but i value freedom a lot. and i have big conflicting ethics/values/views in life with my parents, and our relationship has gotten better since i moved out, especially with my brothers).

anyway, that extra 70grand in the bank is a big deal. you can do a lot with 70 grand.

but the experience of living on my own was worth it. im not poor and im not from a poor family. i can always move back home if the shit hits the fans.

at the end it's up to you to decide. but you can't really decide unless you've experienced both sides.

like i said, if you can afford it, do it. if you don't like it, or rather save a shit load of money, then live at home longer.
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Old 01-03-2012, 03:17 PM   #8
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You said you come from a traditional Chinese so do you say give your parents money every month? I know a lot of Chinese family does (myself included). So that's why it make sense to live at home since you are paying your parents anyways.

When you do move out are they expecting you to contiune paying them? If so then you have make sure you have enough to live on your own and to pay your parents as well and this ain't cheap.

From personal experience what I give my parents now are is enough for me to live on my own (rent, food, bills etc etc....) so that's a really big burden for me to move out and still pay my parents.

There are pros and cons to both sides, just think it through before you do it because it is a big step ahead.
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Old 01-03-2012, 04:20 PM   #9
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Answer is no. Both you and your gf need to be mature and financially independent or life gonna be rocky.

Move out first on your own for a while before even thinking of bringing in the woman.
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Old 01-03-2012, 08:55 PM   #10
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No im not chinese, im flip but still conservative/traditional...ive seen good points on the replies and i appreciate your opinions and from the looks of it cons outweighs pros...anybody here moved out becuase of pressure from SO?..let me hear your side..thanks
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:04 PM   #11
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If you're moving out because of pressure from your S.O. you're doing it wrong.
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:10 PM   #12
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why someone would move out because the SO pressures them blows my mind. If you have to be pressured into it, i think you obviously aren't ready. One should move out when they feel like they want to move our and is comfortable with it
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Old 01-03-2012, 09:16 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma View Post
or your girlfriend smashes your mirrors and breaks your computer
LOL

anyways op
Quote:
I'm in this situation where my gf wants to move in together
i don't know how your relationship is going but i think living the lone life is better until you're quite serious about her and that she is wifey material
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:01 PM   #14
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you guys are too jaded.

not all bitches be crazy. some of us are awesome to live with
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:12 PM   #15
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you guys are too jaded.

not all bitches be crazy. some of us are awesome to live with
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Old 01-03-2012, 11:56 PM   #16
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you guys are too jaded.

not all bitches be crazy. some of us are awesome to live with
Not all of us are lucky enough to be Gridlock who has a cool gf willing to fuck anytime anywhere


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Old 01-03-2012, 11:57 PM   #17
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you guys are too jaded.

not all bitches be crazy. some of us are awesome to live with
@@ Never knew Dinosaur was a girl till now
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:01 AM   #18
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you guys are too jaded.

not all bitches be crazy. some of us are awesome to live with
I'm not jaded about living with girls.

It's just a terrible idea to do when your young and in a relationship that will likely end.
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:29 AM   #19
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Would you guys consider it as one of the test or hurdles a relationship has to go through tho like if you passed those test/hurdle it makes them stronger and means that they are more compatible to each other....
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:56 AM   #20
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Would you guys consider it as one of the test or hurdles a relationship has to go through tho like if you passed those test/hurdle it makes them stronger and means that they are more compatible to each other....
Not a test, a catalyst and it's not easy to end a relationship once you live with someone.

If there's any doubt that you won't be with her forever, don't move in with her.
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Old 01-04-2012, 10:41 AM   #21
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@@ Never knew Dinosaur was a girl till now
That is why there is a bow on my dino
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Old 01-04-2012, 11:08 AM   #22
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I'm gonna tell ya, I've lived with 2 people.

I decided to end it with number 1. So there I was staying with my mom in Abbotsford, working in Delta and having to go to New West after work to pack while she was at work. Awkward enough...then every time I get there she's gone through my shit and pulled out the contentious issue items.

Then the day comes to load everything in the truck. I am moving as fast as I can to avoid her, and we're loading up the last of the stuff and she drives into the underground, eyes shrink wrapped in tears.

Then starts having a fit about the fact that even though I gave up the computer and computer desk, I had taken the chair.

She finally leaves and goes up to the apartment and is sitting on the sofa. My sofa. So I have to ask her to move so I can clear it out of the apartment.

By the time we were done, the apartment had that echo of having no furniture. Everything on the walls was mine. I bought all the furniture. She was left with a bed and a poang and a shitty tv.

So I turn my back on this depressing display of near homelessness and go and set up my bachelor pad-where I had already taken the thought to provide the missing furniture components and can finally relax that I was done. Awkwardly enough, it was Dinosaur that went with me to pick up my bed with her truck

So I'll put this out to anyone that is considering moving in with their partner: If you can handle that scene, the picture of your now ex-girlfriend desperately trying to choke back the tears of 6 years of a failed relationship, asking her to lift her fat ass off your sofa so you can take that from her too and stick with your principle of doing this all for you, if you can handle that this is a possibility then go ahead and move in.

I can be a very loving person, but I can also turn my emotions off and be a prick. I can make it a business decision. A lot of people can`t, and say, `ok honey, let`s work it out`. And boom! you in. Trust me, it happened the first time we broke up. I was in for another year or so before I finally willed myself to do it. It's hard when you can't just get in your car and go home.

And that was the easy one! Hell, if I ever had to move out from Dino, she'd cut me in my sleep.
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Old 01-04-2012, 11:10 AM   #23
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@@ Never knew Dinosaur was a girl till now
Take my word for it. She's a chick. I checked.
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Old 01-04-2012, 01:20 PM   #24
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Asian families tend to stick together. They like to be united. Even if you are moving out, parents tend to like their children's to live nearby.

As for moving, I think everyone wants that in their life. I do, but my dad won't let me, mainly because he is single now and don't want to be be alone.

I've never lived with anyone (or girl) in my life other than my brother in the same room. We were roommates. First thing we established is that, if we stick our nose into each other's business, like messes and stuff, arguments will go flying. If we don't mind each other's business, everything will be a mess and unorganized.

So if you decide to live with a chick, be psychologically prepared that one day, shit will hit the fan.
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Old 01-04-2012, 03:27 PM   #25
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Although I can't really offer any more advice for the OP, I think something that has been unsaid is the fact that living together should be a trial run for marriage. Even if after living together with your SO things fall apart, at least you won't be married and have to get lawyers involved (though make sure you're aware of common law obligations first.)
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