REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

miss_crayon · 04-26-2012, 11:53 AM

The following is a Confidential Post. If the OP would like to reply please send me a PM

I've had some drama in the relationship with my younger sister, mainly with the way she has been acting. She would go out with these guys who are total dicks that would be rude, disrespect and take advantage of my family. I've tried to talk to her, but it seems each time i push her further away. I have always tried to be as reasonable and calm as i can be when talking to her, but that doesnt really seem to help.

As i was talking to my older sister last night (who doesnt live here) i found out that my younger sister invited her and her husband to their upcoming wedding in the summer. I was kinda hurt that I wasn't invited, but then again it wasn't a formal invite - just a verbal one. It didn't really surprise me that much though because she didnt even tell me she was engaged, I found out by noticing a ring on her finger one day.

Its weird that the last few years me and my younger sister have been further and further apart, but me and my older sister have been closer, chatting more, etc. She told me the reason my younger sister and her last bf broke up was because she was selling her services off of CL

When I told my wife she was so emotional about it, but for some reason I didn't really have much a reaction. She is surprised i dont really feel much about it, but that i should take some action, because she thinks something is fundamentally wrong with her, not just with this latest news, but other things as well.

what would you guys do?

miss_crayon · 04-26-2012, 12:03 PM

Wow, this post hits really close to home. I'm actually a bit scared at how relatable I am to this. LOL

But in all seriousness, I am in the same boat...however this is with my Older sister. My parents have 3 of us kids, the older sister whom I'll name K, myself and my younger brother. My brother and I are SUPER close but we are very distant to K; maybe me moreso than my brother. K is very immature and very selfish which has led to a lot of stress and emotional damage to my family. Just like your younger sister, she goes out with the wrong guys and has a lot of issues as she was battling a divorce ontop of having my niece..and other problems that I rather not get into.

My family has taken on the burden of K's problems and even though my parents still feel optimistic..I have cut her out of my life completely. I don't talk to her unless i have to (I think I've only said 3 sentences her in the past year) nor do I say she's my "sister" unless I have to.

I'm not surprised she would pull such a move on you (by not inviting you to her wedding) but lets face it...deep down you expected it and the way you're feeling is how I'd feel. Don't really care.

People can argue with me and say "she's your sister! YOURE FAMILY" and shit like that...but if they haven't truly been in our situation they'll never know how it feels. I've toyed with the thought that "hey..she's just had a divorce..cut her some slack" but if I really think about it..she's been like this her whole life. Sometimes we can't help the way people are...we just have to accept it and carry on.

As of right now, I think you have to ask the question..is it worth it? Do you think your relationship is still salvagable and will it actually get better?

SumAznGuy · 04-26-2012, 12:18 PM

Op, I wouldn't guess you weren't invited to the wedding yet, but then again don't be surprised if you have to find out about things last or through other people.

It sounds as though over the years you two have grown apart and the whole "blood is thicker than water" doesn't hold true for you two. Take a step back and try to see it from her point of view. Were you the overbearing older brother that wants you to do things his way?
What has happened over the years for the relationship to slip to this point?

I don't speak to my mother. She wasn't invited to my wedding and I never told her about it. Something happened that made me want to cut her off, and I did cause she was a cancer in my life and caused a lot of unnecessary stress. Unfortunately, every battle has innocent casualties too and because of this, I don't talk to my 2 brothers all that often either.

ScizzMoney · 04-26-2012, 07:15 PM

Just pretend she is a friend of yours and act accordingly. Maybe she's seeing you too much as an authority figure and it doesn't fit the bill.

miss_crayon · 04-27-2012, 10:42 AM

This is a reply from the OP

miss_crayon - thank you for your input, it sounds like you can really relate to my situation. I'm finding it hard to deal with because she is family... but I think at this point I'm not sure if it salvagable. She acts very selfish and i dont think she understands her actions can affect other people. I guess my parents never taught her about shame, and face... she does what she wants, when she wants without really considering anyone else...

SumAznGuy - Well when she was younger she would look up to me, and want my advice, but as soon as she went out with one guy its like she did a 180 and did whatever she wanted. Since then i have taken a step back, but i speak up when her and her partner start to disrespect or negatively affect my family. this has only caused more distance.

Overall, she probably does see me more as a parent now, and why should she listen to me right? But ever since i was younger i was always willing to listen to her and not judge or criticize, but when she started to be disrespectful and selfish, i wouldn't just sit back and let her act like that

SumAznGuy · 04-27-2012, 11:01 AM

Here's a crazy idea. Pick up the phone and call her just to talk.
Don't judge or criticize her. Just ask her how things are going and slowly build the bond back.

If she still thinks of you as family, she should open back up to you. If "blood is thicker than water" then great. If not, you will know your answer as she will remain distant from you.

tdeweyn · 04-28-2012, 10:22 PM

Like "SumAznGuy" replied, even though she did not invite you to her wedding yet, doesn't mean it's not going to happen.

Maybe just talk normally and work towards the subject afterwards...

I have issues with my little sister as well, she cause so much trouble for my family and I but in the end, family is family, there's always a way..

Good luck!

miss_crayon · 05-01-2012, 10:16 AM

This is a reply from the OP

I have tried to do that, but its getting more and more difficult. My family, especially my younger sister have a habit of pushing things under the rug, issues are never discussed. When she broke up with her last bf, she told my dad not to tell me specifically why they broke up. My older sister just told me that that reason they broke up was because my younger sister was prostituting herself off of craigslist for a while when she was going to school back east. Eventually she confessed to him, and then they broke up. At first I didnt believe it, but my older sister has never lied to me, and i dont see any reason for her to do so either. I don't know if my parents know about it, but I gave my word I would keep my mouth shut.

Glove · 05-01-2012, 10:25 AM

I can relate to this with my sister,

my solution in the end? is the same solution to everything,

I dont really give a shit, people mature at different stages in their lives, my sister is in her 30's but still in denial and acts like she's 18, works as a waitress, lives at home, has nothing together, brings nothing but mistery to the family and my parents.

In the end she is your family, but its not your responsibility to look out for her, or help her in any way if she doesnt want it. She's being a bitch? just leave her alone and move along with your life, and tell her to fuckin beat it. You can spend your whole life worrying about others, just worry about yourself.

When she hits 40 and realises what she's doing and finally grows up, she will seek you out then.

im a firm believer in the tough love approach, the more you try to help and coddle her, the more she knows she never has to grow up because she's getting all this attention. Just stop talking to her.

Alpine · 05-01-2012, 03:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Glove

I dont really give a shit, people mature at different stages in their lives, my sister is in her 30's but still in denial and acts like she's 18, works as a waitress, lives at home, has nothing together, brings nothing but mistery to the family and my parents.

In the end she is your family, but its not your responsibility to look out for her, or help her in any way if she doesnt want it. She's being a bitch? just leave her alone and move along with your life, and tell her to fuckin beat it. You can spend your whole life worrying about others, just worry about yourself.

When she hits 40 and realises what she's doing and finally grows up, she will seek you out then.

im a firm believer in the tough love approach, the more you try to help and coddle her, the more she knows she never has to grow up because she's getting all this attention. Just stop talking to her.

I agree 100%. As much as it may suck, you cannot protect your loved ones from life. At some point, they will reach the stage where they want to make their own decisions and you just have to let them go. You have to let them make their own decisions and make their own mistakes. Mistakes are a huge part of learning, and unfortunately most of us have to learn them the hard way (myself included). The more you try to interfere, the more you will push them away.

Let's face it, it's a fact of growing up and maturing. Our parents have been through this stage, most of us have been through this stage, and our children will go through this stage (of course, to varying degrees).

The only thing that you can do is support them. Let them live their life how they choose, let them make their own decisions and make their own mistakes, and be there for them when they ask/need your support.

cruz-in · 05-10-2012, 08:47 AM

if you older much older and you used to do brotherly , sister stuff when both of you were young, try to relive moments that bring a smile to both of your faces.

For example, if she used to love going to a certain Mcdonalds for icecream when she was younger, bring her back there, for ice cream. why you ask? because the way i start off a serious convo like is by usually flooding the other person with happy thoughts, just so she can remember what it used to be like and not be clouded on thoughts about the trouble you guys have.

start off with : hey you remember when we used to go to XXXXXX for XXXXX?
her : yea i remember that.
you : what ever happened to that ? i miss the good old days on how tight we used to be.
( at this point you drop all ego and let her have it )

now we're just bickering each other for stupid things. bla bla bla, go on with it.

All previous posts have valid points and good ideas, but the way i look at it, why wait for them to mature to fix something? You just have to remember, fixing something requires change from both parties. Whether it maybe her needing to open up more to you or you having to understanding something about her, just be aware of it.

i would give anything to fix anything with my younger bro. He past away when i was younger and i never got to say im sorry for all the things i did.

I hope this made sence guys. im writing this while trying to sort some paperwork and im writing to many run-ons