Physical attraction, even the slightest bit, would change the game in terms of a long-term relationship. She may have the cutest voice and the most charming/interesting personality, but in all honesty, if she looks like a bridge troll (maybe not that bad), I probably wouldn't prefer that kind of person. Personally, it's finding that mix of attractiveness and a great personality. You're not being much of a jerk but rather tending to your own preferences

just ask yourself this question,

would you be embarassed being seen with her?

is she good enough looking so that your whole family isnt like, wtf is he doing?

ive been in the same situation before, i found that the relationship started turning into a friendship, i think there should be a good balance between personality and attraction, you enjoy her company, like to spend time with her, be her friend, good friend, and if her personality is what you say it is, looks shouldn't matter to much, but if you literately just want to plow every girl but her, you will start to get bored, not being an asshole, but that's life sometimes! gl!

imagine in the near future you meet someone who has similar personality but better looking, you prob gonna cheat on her

leave the poor girl alone if you're wishy washy bout it

you might not think your attracted now, but if you decide to move on you will miss her smiling face. Guaranteed.

is that just taking the safe route? could be
better to love forever than lust for a short time IMHO

Why don't you just entertain her now and then if it ever comes up, "trade-up" later. That's what I would do.



And as I welcome the fails, I'll let you in a little life secret. Girls can, will and have done the same naturally. If you think they don't, then you haven't been in the game long enough. For those whose bubble I just burst. Yes I know it's cruel, but there's a lot of truth in it; more than one might care to admit.

Looks attract me, personality keeps me holding on.

Personally, I fall for growers. It takes time in the beginning but once you're in it, you're hooked. The more you get to know the person, the more attractive they become. Again though, this is just my POV. My friends tell me I have no type when it comes to dating... all the people that I've dated are extremely 100% different from one another.

I've been guilty of and caught talking smack about boyfriends in the beginning stages of relationships in regards to dissing them about their looks. By the time they found it, I'm already so into them that I feel really horrible and it's super hurtful for them to see. I used to do it like an insecurity coping method... like I talked smack just in case they changed their mind about me and I wouldn't feel shortchanged "because I was the better looking one anyway." :rolleyes:

I don't believe in that downgrade stuff, simply because I feel that we come across every single person we're supposed to at the exact time we need them. Like sure, I get sucked into the hype like "oh i have to do better than my ex.." lol but I figure if I'm still thinking about my ex in a capacity where I feel I have to "win", I recognize I haven't made my peace with the past.

Lol, and I will share my favored line over the past two weeks.
ALL BEINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL!


(except you hateful, ugly-on-the-inside bitches!)

:)

Good advice, thanks :)

Hah, turns out she just broke up with her boyfriend last week. I didn't even know she HAD a boyfriend this whole time, she never mentioned him.

She is doing the trade up. Like was mentioned previously. With you. Yet you aren't attracted to her. If you don't fantasize about the person you are dating, you are just friends.

k im only speaking for myself here.

-looks is the most basic qualification. if you don't have looks, i won't consider you.

-personality is super important, but if you don't have looks, i don't care.

-"looks fade, people get old" yes, that is true. but in my mind, you will always be the beautiful girl i first met. once beautiful, always beautiful. your beauty is immortalized forever in my mind. When i look into your eyes, or think of you, i see the girl i fell in love with.

-yes, i've met girls that i've half or almost fallen for that arent quite up to par with my beauty standards. they had awesome personalities. but guess what. i'm glad i didnt accept them. cuz you know what, looks are rarer than personality.

generally most people are nice and cool. generally most people are not hot and pretty.

but yeah hey, you never know, give the car a test drive, that ugly car may have a beautiful interior and handle like a go kart LOL.
like others said, trade her up for something better later. life is about upgrades!

This x1,000,000,000,000,000,000!!!!

This is very very very true. It's been 3 years since I've been married and I don't at the moment know if she has changed some or not, but I still physically view her as the girl I met 4 - 5 yrs ago. So I'm personally vouching for every word in Ulic's statement I quoted above.


This is a great point, and to take it further:

One has to be cautious when one is judging another by personality alone, or if the person being judged "only" has personality going for them. Why? Because people (or couples-to-be) are usually in their best behaviour/personality on the initial stages of their meeting (or at least a few months into the relationship). In most cases, the personality you usually meet, isn't the personality you may end up getting later on down the road well into the relationship; and when both parties are comfortable and lax with each other.


This is also why I laugh everytime I see a guy resort to the "White Knight" technique in courting a partner.

wth happened to OP, no responses?

What? I responded yesterday morning!

I agree with Mindbomber totally. (edit: and Noir, and Ulic)

This is a topic which has been on my mind many times, and I've been in that exact situation quite a few times too.

What I ended up doing was try to focus on the positives and realize that 'everyone is beautiful and looks don't matter' as so many of the sayings go. I am convicted that there is love out there for everyone, and that regardless of looks someone can and will love you and find you attractive.

But I really beat myself up trying to convince myself I was attracted when for whatever reason I wasn't. I felt like an asshole because just like you, everything ELSE about these girls is fantastic. And none of them have been ugly either, they've all been good. But something has been missing. I felt like if I were to admit that looks were the ONLY thing not working out, that I would therefore be a shallow person who would somehow 'be taught a lesson' for not listening to the old sayings (I know that might sound weird but it's how I felt) like never find the kind of person I'm looking for and be forced to eventually come around and settle or wish I had kept the girls I left.

But I would still think of other girls when I was dating them, still feel like I was on the hunt all the time even though I had someone already. There was a click that wasn't happening. Also, having been with girls where the click DID happen physically, I knew it was out there and not so unrealistic.

I got really hung up on the sayings and made myself feel bad for even considering looks to be a deal breaker, but in the long run I hurt myself more trying to make myself feel something when I didn't. I tried to force it, and kept going back to the time-tested sayings to convince myself that there isn't anything better than what I had and that I ought to be more satisfied. This was a mistake.

I feel like I'm somewhat in the same situation. There's this girl who I've lately been hanging out with. Great company, amazing personality, independent woman who can hold her own, family oriented, just basically everything I look internally for in a woman.

This girl isn't ugly though, I find her to be very cute. It's just..she's a bit on the heavier side.

And I find myself to be physically fit. I just wonder if maybe it might motivate her. But I don't look down on those with a few extra pounds, that's your lifestyle, I'm cool with it.

Does this make me "shallow?"

You can do many things, and you may be shallow, or anyone of 1000 things..but do NOT try to "motivate" her consciously or otherwise. If you can't date her for who she is, then don't. It's that simple. If you are going to tell her that she'd be really hot if she dropped 20lbs-and you don't need to use words to do that, and you WILL tell her...your relationship is doomed.

I never would have hinted that to her in anyway. I already know she is sensitive about her looks. But if she did ask me to help her out, then I would in an instant.

I just don't want to be friendzoned now, and later down the road she slims down.

Does this chick have a body?
I think a girl with a body can definitely make her more attractive if she's just an average looker

i read a book, and you know how people still fall in love in pre-arrange marriages.

you can find ways to find the person attractive, looks is only the beginning but after a while, you get a totally different attraction when you get to know them

It's like sex, tapping hookers is great, but somehow the sex with a gf is just diff even if she's not as pretty as the girl you paid to leave.