family, stuck in middle

[eggtart_prince]

Since there is no forum that is related to family issues, this is the closest I can think of.

Short version, parents are divorced. Mom and his tenant in-common wants to buy a house and wants me to apart of the ownership.

Currently living with dad, and have been for 22 years.

a) If I choose to buy a house with my mom, I will have to leave my dad on his own.
b) If I choose to stay with my dad, my mom won't be able to afford a house.
c) If I choose to move out by myself, I have to leave my dad on his own and my mom won't be able to buy a house.

Long version.

When we came to Canada, my uncle which is my mom's brother let us rent his basement until now for a very good price.

My parents were divorced when I was around 11ish. My mom secretly met somebody else and I suspect my dad knew about it for a while. The day my dad decided to confront my mom, he brought me and brother along with him. He confronted my mom and the guy at an underground parking lot and got in a fight with him. Me and my brother stood in the car and watched.

After that, my mom didn't live with us anymore. She did come back and get her stuff and got into arguments with my dad. She even explain why she did what she did and try to resolve by asking my dad to give her another chance, but he refused. When I got older to understand, my mom told me that my dad have been trying to evade tax (because he is self employed) and she had been covering his income tax and cannot continue to do so.

They didn't bother going to court for the custody of me and my brother, and my dad demanded that we have to stay with him. I was too young at the time to even decide and just go with the flow. My mom did convince me to move in with her but I was caught in the middle at the time to even know what I wanted and who to go with.

My brother took care of me for a very long time. When I was about 20, I decided I want to move out, but my dad demanded I don't because it will cost a lot of money, so I didn't.

Here is where the problem begins...

My mom is currently mortgaging a house with her tenant in-common (which is the guy he left my dad for) and his brother, which is a 3 way split. But now his brother decides that he can't live with my mom, and my mom don't want to live with him either. So she wants to buy a house of her own and wants me to be a part of it.

My uncle have secretly told my mom that he wants dad out but doesn't really want to tell it to him because we are his nephew. My dad have encouraged me to buy a place as soon as possible, he even said buy a one room apartment and he'll sleep in the living room... I mean, really?

My mom is stressing about getting a place and is desperately seeking my help with her on the house. If I choose not to help her is that too harsh?

Although it's been a long time, the thing that pisses me off the most is that my parents decided to divorce. Why did my dad choose to let us watch the confrontation? Why did my mom decide to have a secret affair? Why did they not put us into consideration before doing anything and how they allow us to know the truth? Now that I am older, I think that they should have been mature about it and talk it out before letting us know. Instead of getting in a fight, and have us stuck/choose between them two.

With all these questions in mind, should I just move out by myself and forget about helping my mom with a house and forget about what my dad wants to do with his life? I can sense through my conversation with my dad that he is feeling insecure because my brother just proposed to his girlfriend and now my dad feels like he's losing a family member. But I mean, I need my own life too, so if I decide to buy a house with my mom, is that a cruel decision considering my dad has been paying for the rent ever since? And I've been living with him since?

[Noir]

Dude, I know you want to be there for your mom (and your dad) but really, I hate to put it so bluntly but... you have to realize, this is not your problem.

On the relationship side;
1. Their marriage is their problem. Their divorce was not your responsibility therefore you owe either of your parents nothing; especially getting into debt for a piece of property for someone; a debt that you may not even want to begin with.

On the financial side:
2. Your mom shouldn't be buying things that she can't afford. Simple as that; and she shouldn't be using you; your finances; your credit to convince you that her wants, and your best interest are somehow conveniently parrallel.



All in all, should you decide to decline this favour to your mother, I can assure you that this DOES NOT make you a bad son. I can also assure you that if ANY parent, holds this against their own child, it is THEY who is the bad parent. So really, this problem is not on you.

[Fafine]

ya dude if she can't afford a house she can just buy an apartment
Don't ditch your dad, your all he has left. Everything he's done was for you.
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[vvd]

That's tough... being stuck in the middle like that and having divorced parents.

How has your mother contributed to your upbringing? Has she given you and your dad money? Does she take care of you and your brother from time to time and spend time with you? Why are you so concerned about helping her? How is your own financial situation? Are you a student? Are you working? Part-time? Full-time? Are you paying for rent right now?

If I were in your position, these would all be important factors.

In a more objective point of view, if you helped either of your parents out (assuming that your dad would help you out financially when you buy a place to live with him), at least you wouldn't be on your own when buying a place. In the end, once your parents pass on, the property would be yours anyway, right? If you were to move out on your own, it'd be 100% on you. I have no idea if that's a factor for you. It's just a thought.

From what you've posted though, here's what I would be thinking if I were in your position:

First of all, your mother HAS a place. As far as I can see, she's not going to be homeless anytime soon. If she hates where she's living and can't afford to buy and/or mortgage another house, she shouldn't be. And she shouldn't be putting it on you.

For me, helping my mom in this case is already off the priority list.

Your dad is a bit of a different story. If your uncle has already said that he wants your dad out, your dad may need help. From what you've said, he isn't able to afford his own place. Is he able to afford living on his own if you leave him?

Really, I'd be caught between living with my dad and living on my own, but do you really feel a strong need to leave your dad?

You could always stay with your dad a little longer while you decide and save up to (possibly) afford a bigger place (so you can live with your dad more comfortably, if you decide to do so) until your uncle straight out says he wants you guys out.

I don't know how urgently you need to buy a place and move out of where you are.

Sorry if I'm not of much help.

Good luck, op.

[GabAlmighty]

I'd side with pops in this case, just move out but stay in his life.

[Iceman-19]

Get your own place, they are adults, they can deal with their own shit.
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[Razor Ramon HG]

I'd stay with your dad. If he demanded that you guys stay with him when you guys were young, surely that means something. You have to take into account your father took care of you alongside your brother for a long time, and if your uncle evicts your dad out, it's your turn to help take care of him. Your mother has someone else to depend on, but your dad only has you guys. Remember that when making your decision.
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[Tapioca]

Tough situation.

If you haven't left any facts out of your story and what you say about your dad's actions is entirely true, I would probably stay with your dad. But you need to establish some ground rules:

- It has to be time-limited (maybe 1-2 years at most) so that you can eventually become independent, functioning adults
- You should not buy a place, especially in current market conditions. Rent a 2-bedroom suite once your uncle kicks your dad out - doesn't have to be fancy (could even be a basement.)
- Help your dad get on his feet - getting him a job, etc.

As far as dealing with your mother, tell her that you don't appreciate her bullying you into helping her buy a house. It doesn't sound like she provided much support to you financially following the divorce, so you really owe her nothing. As Noir stated, you won't be a bad son for doing this.

Finally, it's not your fault that your parents got divorced, so don't blame yourself for the actions of your parents.

[NotDatGai]

this is definitely a tough situation. even though your parents have been divorced for a while now, it will have some sort of an impact on your decisions as your grow older..and questions arise as to how the hell did you get involved.

personally, ive been through something almost similar... i found that my mom always needed help..and if she couldnt afford to buy something on her own she'd drag me into the situation.
i would say to side with your dad...help him out..maybe he feels alone and wants you in his life.
if your mom can't afford a place..she really shouldn't even be buying a place.

however, this does depend on how your relationship is with both sides.

regardless of what you decide.. you just gotta remember that what happened between your parents..is between them. you and ur brother unfortunately had to witness this whole issue in person...but had nothing to do with the divorce.

[eggtart_prince]

Thanks guys. It appears that staying with my dad is what most you suggest.

Before I create a bad image of my mom, she is the best mom in the world. Ever since the divorce she has been coming home 5 if not 4 days of the week with dinner. Even if it's out of the way, she'd cook for us.

My dad in the other hand, well, he cares for me but not directly (you know guy to guy, don't need to be all touchy kind of relationship)

I am also leaning towards moving and hopefully get a 2 room apartment with my dad mainly because my mom already has someone. But I hope my dad will help with the mortgage as I won't be able to do it all by myself. Your input really helped me decide. Thanks guys.
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[melloman]

Yup.

I'd talk to your mom and tell her not to extend herself, and that you don't want to pick and choose between the 2 of them (mom & dad). Tell her if she can't afford what she wants, to rethink the location, size of house, or even to get real and get a townhouse.

Really, it's not your fault in anyway, and it's not your problem that they aren't doing the best for themselves financially. IMHO, I'd buy a place you know YOU can afford, and then your dad can help out with the mortgage. But never over extend yourself, or you might end up in the same poor financial situation.

[Glove]

dude,

look at the facts.

your mom cheated,
left,
fucked some other dude up until now,
now her and this dude are asking you to enter into a binding contract with them?

meanwhile your dad raised you and fed you this whole time,

you owe absolutely NOTHING to your mom or that dude, I wouldv told them to fuck off a long time ago.


sort shit out with your dad, just talk with him and make a plan and figure out what you guys are gonna do,

if you can afford your own place, maybe let him rent a room from you for cheap, until he can afford to move out.

Also try and get him to go out and date women, once he gets a companion he wont be so needy towards you anymore.

in the end, i'd stick with your dad, seems like a decent guy, and who doesnt try to evade tax with their own business?

hell I dont even own a business and I evade the shit out of it by pretending I do, and so does everyone else, your moms an idiot. Cut her out.

[GLOW]

first thing that came in my mind is that if i were you i wouldn't want my finances being tied to your mom's current SO.
too much risk/headache IMO. i only read your coles notes.

[Mr.HappySilp]

^^
I would suggest talking to your dad as well.... is he planning to living with you till he pass away? Or he is just staying with you for a few more years? Is a big difference...... I am not saying you are not close to your family but there comes a time when you have to be on your own and have your own personal space....

Also what if you have a gf or wife and kids.... Parents usually get don't along with your wife/husband so if he plans to stay with you till he pass away that's not a good idea. Is the reality..........

Have a chat with him but I would suggest not buying now..... maybe stay in your uncle basement for a bit longer and rent after.... dont' rent an apartment if possible try to rent a basement if possible is usually cheaper and more space so you at least have more privacy.

And you also need to start thinking about it long term. Do you want to live your dad even if you are marry? When do you feel is good to move out on your own? How will your gf/wfie feels about it if your dad wish to live to you for good, how will you handle the suitation?

As for your mom, she already have a place she owns so don't worry about her. Just let her know you feel dad needs your help more at this point and he did rasie you and your bro.

Off topic though. I feel more and more people are lving with paretns longer and longer these day. Is not just to do with the rise of living cost or housing price but the mature level and also how parents think. More and more parents feels once they are old or retire it is the kids responsibility to take care of them rather then living on their own (let's face it gov is no help at this point and health care and living cost is going up).

Also lot's of young adult I see are pretty immature these days to able to live on their own VS our parents. We tend to spend our money on things we don't need, doesn't have the right pority in life, can't do chorces, cook, too lazy to clean......... our parents babied us way too much.

So I think overall we are going to see more and more young couple living with their parents. I actually watch a show on TV call the Doc zone and it actually descerible this in detail.

[eggtart_prince]

Help are appreciated but please don't insult my family. My mom have been caring and responsible of us since she separated with my dad.

I guess being stuck in the middle sort makes me think that either side is trying to use me financially.
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[SumAznGuy]

The way I read you story is your parents divorced when you were 11 and have been living with your dad for 22 years which makes you 33 years old.
Also, you are new to RS, joined Oct 2012 and this is your first post.

I'm sorry but I think I smell a troll.

[elwell]

Who do you like more? Who was there for you when you most needed them. Which one fucked up?( I'd personally chooSe your dad)
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[corollagtSr5]

he's been with his dad for 22 years. 11 of them which he was with both. I am assuming he is 22 years old. So 11 years with the parents together, then 11 years with his dad after the separation. So a grand total of 22 years with his dad.

[JKam]

I thought OP's username was eggfart prince...



seriously though, your mom is fine on her own. She has a place to live and someone else to depend on. Figure out what your dads future plans are. If there are none then you should talk to him about it. While you're at it, figure out your own future plans.

[Integgyy]

duplicate post.

~Turbo E

[Integgyy]

Your mom is a whore.
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[ilovebacon]

^ lmfao! That is not a nice way to show a example.
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[murd0c]

My mom left my dad when I was 17 and she took everything and ever since I have been so bitter to her for doing that and basically abandoning me as well, yes I’m 30 and still not over it and since then I have not been close to my mom at all because I think shes a selfish/self centered person.

That being said my dad has always been for me and I could never leave him hanging like that, no matter what the situation is because of course I love my dad but I couldn’t imagine how my dad would feel if I got up and bounced. It would be different if you were buying your own house and trying to live your life but helping your mom out when she can’t afford it will just make for a messy situation in the long run. Houses cost money to maintain and up keep them, do you think she can afford that or just pawn it all off on you?

Don’t do it trust me, I know you love her and want to help her out but shes an adult and is in this situation because of the choices she has made and this shouldn’t impact you.

[miss_crayon]

What you decide to do with your parents is up to you, but I strongly advise you to not (like some others said) bind yourself to a contract with a "stranger," despite there being a family member involved. I see this ALL the time at my job where people will purchase a property together (friends/uncommitted couples etc) only to have it fall apart. Lawyers get involved and it is NOT pretty.

If you DO decide to help your mom, I'd only sign with her ...however given the circumstances of your relationship..do you even comfortable with it?

Personally, if you are not financially ready to purchase a home right now..don't. Give it a couple more years to let your money grow and for the decision to move come naturally. If you purchase on the spot, it'll never be THE place you actually want. For now, like others suggested, renting a place out with your dad wouldn't be a bad idea.

As for the questions on why your dad took you and your brother to see the fight, why your mom left....etc etc. I would suggest getting professional help, not because you're "crazy" or anything, but I think it would help you find peace on the divorce. Like you said, you were young, you didn't really understand what happened until you got older. However, something as big as a divorce can really hurt a child's development when it comes to sharing feelings, attitudes, social activity etc etc. Even though you are older now and are able to figure things out a bit better...it wouldn't hurt to speak to a therapist on your feelings.

My mom came from a divorced home, and even though she is nearing 60..I know the way she is sometimes is a direct reflection of her parents divorce which happened when she was like...7. Not saying she hates life or anything, as she has a wonderful marriage/kids, but she didn't get professional help which I think would have helped in her process of recovery.

Just remember to take care of yourself!