Becoming better friends..

[rzrshrp]

Hi guys, recently been really confused and needed help
This has been killing me for so long:

I met this girl in my lab at school, she's very cool and all; and we got along very well for the first few weeks of school (up until mid October).
It was great fun being around her; she's so cool and funny, and I want nothing more than a long-term friendship with her, srs.
But the thing is, as soon as these first few weeks flew by, and our friendship sorta "expanded" to a couple other people, I feel she's so distant now. I don't know why, but it really feels bad, I ask her to hang out, she doesn't even respond, she just says "yeah", and it seems she prefers our newer friends over me now? Why is this? We don't even laugh like retards/make crazy jokes anymore. I will admit, I tried doing the whole alpha thing, being confident/cocky/funny, and maybe that is why? Maybe I went too far? That's all I can think of that I did differently after those few weeks, but I figured we were really tight, and small insults were usual in good friendships. Fast forward to now semester's almost over, and have no classes with her next semester, but she has classes with the other members of the crew, which could lead to me being phased out completely. Is there any way I can go back to the good days and "re-strengthen" the friendship? I know it sounds stupid, but I'm just really confused. Do I just cut it off here? Cause in all honesty, at this rate I don't think she will be for hanging out one on one and what not; but for the first time I got attached to someone, and it just hurts to have it end so fast, the memories we shared are painful to me now as I fear it will never be the same, is there anything I can do to bring it back? I feel as if there is a way to fix it, however, cause she initially liked me for being me, and started distancing from me when I became too "alpha" or whatever.

Thanks for your help, guys

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by rzrshrp

Hi guys, recently been really confused and needed help
This has been killing me for so long:

I met this girl in my lab at school, she's very cool and all; and we got along very well for the first few weeks of school (up until mid October).
It was great fun being around her; she's so cool and funny, and I want nothing more than a long-term friendship with her, srs.
But the thing is, as soon as these first few weeks flew by, and our friendship sorta "expanded" to a couple other people, I feel she's so distant now. I don't know why, but it really feels bad, I ask her to hang out, she doesn't even respond, she just says "yeah", and it seems she prefers our newer friends over me now? Why is this? We don't even laugh like retards/make crazy jokes anymore. I will admit, I tried doing the whole alpha thing, being confident/cocky/funny, and maybe that is why? Maybe I went too far? That's all I can think of that I did differently after those few weeks, but I figured we were really tight, and small insults were usual in good friendships. Fast forward to now semester's almost over, and have no classes with her next semester, but she has classes with the other members of the crew, which could lead to me being phased out completely. Is there any way I can go back to the good days and "re-strengthen" the friendship? I know it sounds stupid, but I'm just really confused. Do I just cut it off here? Cause in all honesty, at this rate I don't think she will be for hanging out one on one and what not; but for the first time I got attached to someone, and it just hurts to have it end so fast, the memories we shared are painful to me now as I fear it will never be the same, is there anything I can do to bring it back? I feel as if there is a way to fix it, however, cause she initially liked me for being me, and started distancing from me when I became too "alpha" or whatever.

Thanks for your help, guys

Sorry you're going through this. Maybe you should express how you feel about your friendship with her. Maybe deep down inside that she feels the same but assumes that you've bonded with this group and that you've changed.

Try not to be too direct. Maybe get her something like a breakfast or something in a one on one situation and then slowly slide your conversation into something like "don't you just miss the old days when we used to laugh so much together?" etc.

Try to play it smooth so it doesn't seem like you're forcing it onto her. If she still goes yeah maybe no etc. Just enter the awkward silent and eventually she'll go "i gotta go", etc. Then pull your last card by holding her back and get into your serious mode and ask her straight up what the problem is. Tell her how you feel about your friendship with her and how you want it to be like the old again.

Better find the answer now than go on stressing about it.

[hirevtuner]

yeah u lost her, why waste ur time overthinking about this girl when she is distancing from u?

yes it's painful right now but pain goes away

[rzrshrp]

Originally Posted by mr_chin

Sorry you're going through this. Maybe you should express how you feel about your friendship with her. Maybe deep down inside that she feels the same but assumes that you've bonded with this group and that you've changed.

Try not to be too direct. Maybe get her something like a breakfast or something in a one on one situation and then slowly slide your conversation into something like "don't you just miss the old days when we used to laugh so much together?" etc.

Try to play it smooth so it doesn't seem like you're forcing it onto her. If she still goes yeah maybe no etc. Just enter the awkward silent and eventually she'll go "i gotta go", etc. Then pull your last card by holding her back and get into your serious mode and ask her straight up what the problem is. Tell her how you feel about your friendship with her and how you want it to be like the old again.

Better find the answer now than go on stressing about it.

Yeah thanks for understanding man. I honestly have never thought about that, cause I did sorta "change" a bit as I've stated. Yeah I don't know about hanging out one on one dude, every time I ask her to hang out she doesn't really acknowledge it you know? For example I'd say, "Hey we should go do _______ again, it was so fun last time we did it!" and all she would say is "Yeah", like I don't want to make myself look worse by overextending to her, adding to that, we used to hang out before after every lab and we had a lot of fun, convos were so natural and flowing, but now it's just all missing. And she sorta prefers to hang out with the other guy in our friend circle now. But yeah, I mean even if we did somehow go one on one, it would sorta be weird talking about this with her directly (from her POV I suppose) as we just met this September and had labs together every 2 weeks (6 labs in total), and what exactly is the awkward silence for? I don't understand, is it so she reflects? Damn, why do people have to come into your life, only to leave.. I hate it.

[E.D.C.5]

Just have a one on one conversation with her and tell her how you feel. You won't be having any classes with her next semester anyways...Whats the worse that could happen?

[rzrshrp]

Originally Posted by hirevtuner

yeah u lost her, why waste ur time overthinking about this girl when she is distancing from u?

yes it's painful right now but pain goes away

How do I know for sure that I've lost her though? I still think that I can fix it, I just have a little hope, which I normally never have. It's just weird, I don't want to lose her....

Originally Posted by E.D.C.5

Just have a one on one conversation with her and tell her how you feel. You won't be having any classes with her next semester anyways...Whats the worse that could happen?

Yeah I would do that, but I don't think I'll do it direct, maybe drop hints about it or something? Because we WERE really spontaneous together, and like idk she doesn't touch alot on this stuff.

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by rzrshrp

Yeah thanks for understanding man. I honestly have never thought about that, cause I did sorta "change" a bit as I've stated. Yeah I don't know about hanging out one on one dude, every time I ask her to hang out she doesn't really acknowledge it you know? For example I'd say, "Hey we should go do _______ again, it was so fun last time we did it!" and all she would say is "Yeah", like I don't want to make myself look worse by overextending to her, adding to that, we used to hang out before after every lab and we had a lot of fun, convos were so natural and flowing, but now it's just all missing. And she sorta prefers to hang out with the other guy in our friend circle now. But yeah, I mean even if we did somehow go one on one, it would sorta be weird talking about this with her directly (from her POV I suppose) as we just met this September and had labs together every 2 weeks (6 labs in total), and what exactly is the awkward silence for? I don't understand, is it so she reflects? Damn, why do people have to come into your life, only to leave.. I hate it.

Originally Posted by E.D.C.5

Just have a one on one conversation with her and tell her how you feel. You won't be having any classes with her next semester anyways...Whats the worse that could happen?

That's exactly what I was saying.

It's better to try knowing you failed and not trying and never know the result.

I think that extended your friendship to a group thing was the biggest mistake ever. Because when a girl hangs out with a guy one on one, it means they're somewhat interested in you, but you never made the move.

If it was coming from the other way around, from group to a one and one, then there is a possibility that it's just simply be a friends thing.

It doesn't matter now I guess, and since she likes hanging out with the other guy. Just move on. Don't totally ignore her or avoid her. Just say hi and bye once in a while whenever you see her.

It's a stage that we all go through in life. I am sure everyone has someone they used to be very close with, suddenly became distant because of personality, lifestyle, and future goals changes.

Just look back and think of it as a lesson in life. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. Let it teach you that you should appreciate more in life.

[rzrshrp]

^Wow that was really wise... But the thing is, I can't really hold her back from making friends either right, so didn't do much about her the extending friendship. And yes, even if she was interested I only saw her as a friend, nothing more, so I would have never made the move, I guess. Don't know how to make a move anyhow haha, but that's not the point.. You're right, but it hurts, just tired of being disappointed like this all the time, wish there could be someone there, someone who was by my side and never left. I came to uni (first year), hopeful to make some new lifelong friends, her being one of them; but life is unfair, how all that is left between me and her are just memories. It'll be hard for me to stay in contact, cause it would just upwell everything; and idk, don't want you all to think I'm weird or anything but it makes me really jealous how she loves to hang out with the other dude over me now. But seriously, thanks for the advice guys! You're all so good with this, I never had this much knowledge myself. But I really wish I could fix it, and even though it could be my fault, there's nothing I can do now, it is what it is.

[toyobaru]

Its not knowledge, I'd say most of it is experience. I went through a similar situation where I was into this girl. She started hanging with some mutual friends I paintballed with. But she started hanging out with these guys more and more. I never got any invite despite being mutual friends. I began to feel like I was getting distant from her as well so I rushed myself into making things official. We dated for a month and a half, she continued to drift away to the point where I was sure she cheated on me due to putting a few obvious clues together.

I guess what I'm saying is if you feel the distance dont try to salvage it because if she was into you still she wouldnt have drifted away and salvaging what you still believe in with her will just make you more hurt than you need to be.

[Glove]

so do you like this chick or not? if not why do you give a shit if she's distancing?

Also by trying to be "alpha" you turned yourself into a beta, seems like a clingy whiner to me,

no wonder she's distancing, I would too.

[JKam]

To be clear this is a friendship. You don't need to see each other everyday, every week or even every month. She's not exclusively your friend nor are you exclusively her friend. If you believe you guys are exclusive then you clearly want to be "with" her but are friendzoned.

I also have a friend I met at school who is a pretty good friend. Now that school is over we don't talk or see each other very often but when we do hang out, it's just like old times. Drifting apart happens, its just what people do in different stages of their life.

If she never wants to talk or hang out, you were never really good friends to begin with.


Another theory is that maybe she did want to be with you (romantically) but you never communicated to her that you only want to be friends. Maybe she thought you were pursuing her but didn't have the balls to make a move so she cut you off and moved on to the next guy.


*edit*
I guess I didn't give you any advice.. What you can do now is just let it be. If you see her, do what you normally do. Don't actively pursue her to do activities (eat, hang out, etc). If she comes to you then sure, go out and have fun. If not, don't hold a grudge, maybe she has more priorities than your friendship right now. Maybe this guy she's talking to is someone she wants a relationship with and doesn't want him to be jealous.

[rzrshrp]

Originally Posted by toyobaru

Its not knowledge, I'd say most of it is experience. I went through a similar situation where I was into this girl. She started hanging with some mutual friends I paintballed with. But she started hanging out with these guys more and more. I never got any invite despite being mutual friends. I began to feel like I was getting distant from her as well so I rushed myself into making things official. We dated for a month and a half, she continued to drift away to the point where I was sure she cheated on me due to putting a few obvious clues together.

I guess what I'm saying is if you feel the distance dont try to salvage it because if she was into you still she wouldnt have drifted away and salvaging what you still believe in with her will just make you more hurt than you need to be.

Yeah, you're right. Guess you can't try to fix something that can't be fixed, best to just leave it alone and move on at this point.

Originally Posted by JKam

To be clear this is a friendship. You don't need to see each other everyday, every week or even every month. She's not exclusively your friend nor are you exclusively her friend. If you believe you guys are exclusive then you clearly want to be "with" her but are friendzoned.

I also have a friend I met at school who is a pretty good friend. Now that school is over we don't talk or see each other very often but when we do hang out, it's just like old times. Drifting apart happens, its just what people do in different stages of their life.

If she never wants to talk or hang out, you were never really good friends to begin with.


Another theory is that maybe she did want to be with you (romantically) but you never communicated to her that you only want to be friends. Maybe she thought you were pursuing her but didn't have the balls to make a move so she cut you off and moved on to the next guy.


*edit*
I guess I didn't give you any advice.. What you can do now is just let it be. If you see her, do what you normally do. Don't actively pursue her to do activities (eat, hang out, etc). If she comes to you then sure, go out and have fun. If not, don't hold a grudge, maybe she has more priorities than your friendship right now. Maybe this guy she's talking to is someone she wants a relationship with and doesn't want him to be jealous.

No didn't mean it as "exclusive", but wanted to go long term in terms of this friendship cause it just flowed so well and made me feel happy in general. But thanks dude, I will definitely do that now. And while yes it is true, I guess I should've told her I just wanted to be friends. If she really was a good friend, she wouldn't drift away like that.. Cause I have so many other friends that I haven't seen for a really long time now that highschool is over but we can still talk and hang like nothing's changed. But it's not that she doesn't want to talk, she does, but it seems distant as in she doesn't joke around as much and try to keep the convo going as she used to. Whatever fuck it, that's life.

[hypercube]

maybe she has a busy schedule or something?

[slingblade]

.