REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

El Bastardo · 03-10-2014, 12:43 PM

The following is a submission by an anonymous Revscene member.

Hi All, so I have been dating my gf for about a year and half now, everything is going fine and smooth, however, as selfish as I can be, I cant seem to figure out a way to completely get over her past.

a bit of back story. When I first saw her it was on facebook, someone comment on her status and picture so it showed up on my feed. She used to be a party queen, and way before that she was a really good girl, only after been betrayed by her bf at that time, she chose to revenge by fucking someone from her fb. (wtf right?) and then it went downhill.. she started to party, clubbing, and basically drinking everyday, and during that period of time, she dated some unfaithful guys as well but they eventually either cheated or things just couldnt work. she lived with one of her ex, and when they broke up,her ex wouldnt move out, when she tries to force him to move out, he would beat her, so she just let him stayed at her condo (this is fucked too) which lead to her not wanting to stay home, so she went out to drink more and party more. At one point she even past out from drinking too much at the club, and apparently someone took advantage of her that night (this one really bugs me too).

So.. I understand if you love somebody, you have to accept their past, 99% of time I'm fine with everything about us, since after she met me, she honestly told me all these things just to make sure that I'm aware of who she was before, and then she proceeded to promise to be good, and so far, that promise has never been broken, no more drinking, no more partying, she has changed completely into a good girl. But once a while I just cant stop thinking how she slept with someone she barely knew just for revenge, how she lived with her ex even after break up, thinking the guy probably still fucks around, and how she got drunk at a night club so much she couldnt protect herself and let someone take advantage of her.

So how do you guys deal with this kind of stuff?

Serious advise please, as I'm trying really hard to get over all this.

Thanks in advance Revscene.

fliptuner · 03-10-2014, 12:47 PM

If you can't accept it, that's your problem.

Take her for who she is now cause no one can change the past.

murd0c · 03-10-2014, 12:56 PM

All that matters is she was honest to you about it all… If you have an issue with this you may have an issue with most women you date that don’t have a V card since all of the things she has done are very common this day and age. Take it for what it is have communication in the relationship and you won’t worry about a thing.

If this bothers you that much end it right now because something like this will eat at you when in all honesty it shouldn’t matter especially with her being truthful with everything.

PK-EK · 03-10-2014, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a submission by an anonymous Revscene member.

Hi All, so I have been dating my gf for about a year and half now, everything is going fine and smooth, however, as selfish as I can be, I cant seem to figure out a way to completely get over her past.

a bit of back story. When I first saw her it was on facebook, someone comment on her status and picture so it showed up on my feed. She used to be a party queen, and way before that she was a really good girl, only after been betrayed by her bf at that time, she chose to revenge by fucking someone from her fb. (wtf right?) and then it went downhill.. she started to party, clubbing, and basically drinking everyday, and during that period of time, she dated some unfaithful guys as well but they eventually either cheated or things just couldnt work. she lived with one of her ex, and when they broke up,her ex wouldnt move out, when she tries to force him to move out, he would beat her, so she just let him stayed at her condo (this is fucked too) which lead to her not wanting to stay home, so she went out to drink more and party more. At one point she even past out from drinking too much at the club, and apparently someone took advantage of her that night (this one really bugs me too).

So.. I understand if you love somebody, you have to accept their past, 99% of time I'm fine with everything about us, since after she met me, she honestly told me all these things just to make sure that I'm aware of who she was before, and then she proceeded to promise to be good, and so far, that promise has never been broken, no more drinking, no more partying, she has changed completely into a good girl. But once a while I just cant stop thinking how she slept with someone she barely knew just for revenge, how she lived with her ex even after break up, thinking the guy probably still fucks around, and how she got drunk at a night club so much she couldnt protect herself and let someone take advantage of her.

So how do you guys deal with this kind of stuff?

Serious advise please, as I'm trying really hard to get over all this.

Thanks in advance Revscene.

me being a very insecure individual understand exctly how you feel.

It really adds up to how much you love this girl. And how much you really trust her deep down inside, but keep in mind this feeling will always be there. no matter what.
it just adds up to if your Love for her is bigger than this feeling of trust for her.

cruz-in · 03-10-2014, 01:06 PM

i dealt with the same thing.

try not to kill yourself thinking about it. your probably an over thinker like me.

PDKGD3 · 03-10-2014, 01:10 PM

Over thinking is just going to ruin her for you. Take her as she is, if you believe, go for it. Every relationship starts with a leap of faith. Better to have tried than to wonder "what if"
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320icar · 03-10-2014, 01:17 PM

I have been through the exact same thing. We ended up breaking up due to other reasons, but inside i could never get over it. At the time i had been with two sexual partners including her (i don't do it outside of a relationship, personal choice) but her number was well over 10+. It ate me up inside.

No actual advice. But you're not the only one.
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freakshow · 03-10-2014, 01:18 PM

I'm glad that many people in my life have given me chances based on who I am, and who they see me becoming, and not on what I've done in my past.

If you don't want to give her that chance, she deserves someone who will..

Spidey · 03-10-2014, 01:31 PM

believe it or not, more girls these days have a "past" than not....

JKam · 03-10-2014, 01:37 PM

If it's hard for you to accept, think about how hard it was for her to tell you.

Backstreetboys said it best. I don't care who you are, where you're from or what you did. As long as you love me.

Tone Loc · 03-10-2014, 03:42 PM

95% of girls have a party-girl past. Those that don't, are the ones to stay away from IMHO, because it just means they will go through it later.

If you can't take it, then don't date her. You're not a good nor bad person for doing so. That being said, over-thinking will kill you in the end. If you have the mental discipline to not let those things get to you, then go for it. If not, you know what to do.

trancehead · 03-10-2014, 05:01 PM

Girl's are usually party the most when they are in their peak. So meaning...they are their hottest. think ~ 18-24 (a bit higher for asian girls since they dont age as fast usually)

How old is your girl now?

The_AK · 03-10-2014, 05:14 PM

"If you cant accept me when i'm bulking, you don't deserve me when i'm shredded"

-marlyn monroe

ecchiecchi · 03-10-2014, 05:37 PM

Very common. I don't think it's such a big deal in this day and age. I'm actually quite surprised she was honest to you about it. That shows what kind of person she really is.

Let that sink in for a bit.

Iceman-19 · 03-10-2014, 06:27 PM

Shes a whore, but so are most women. Deal with it, or don't. Its really that simple when you break it down.

!Aznboi128 · 03-10-2014, 06:32 PM

What's in the past is in the past for a reason, you just gotta let it go. If it comes up just put it down, walk away from it.

Let's be honest Good guys want be Bad, Bad guys want to be good. No matter who you are there is that other side that just fuels your curiosity. Once its out of the system the person might turn back who knows maybe thats exactly what's happening for her. She realized it was a mistake and she wants to be taken seriously.

To be honest, I know pretty much how you feel my girlfriend and I has gone through a lot in the past couple of years and has involved a lot of people as well. But what we see now is we're together we're happy and thats what matters. In my head from time to time I still think the "what if..." then I just force myself to think of what we have right now and it's fine.

Good Luck man, I know its hard but if you really love her you gotta do what you gotta do to keep her.

Tapioca · 03-10-2014, 06:57 PM

Your issue is that you didn't date enough/sleep with enough women before she came along. If you slept with women in a similar manner before you two started dating, it wouldn't be such an issue for you. Honestly, it would be pretty strange if she didn't have fun in her 20s - all women that are remotely attractive in their 20s will have men chasing them left and right.

No one is perfect; everyone has a past. Maybe she had some thoughts about you not being experienced enough for a long-term relationship. She seems to have moved on. You have to decide if you can be mature about it and move on too.

Quote:

So how do you guys deal with this kind of stuff?

When I was younger and much more naive, I had the fortunate experience of dating an older woman. She revealed to me that she had slept with 20+ men from the time she became sexually active. It was a bit of an eye opener to me, but in the end, it made a lot of sense - she had an easy-going personality, she was easy on the eyes, and she had a great rack. In terms of how I dealt with it, I kept one thing in the back of mind: at the end of the day, she was only thinking about me and I was the only person she would sleep with. It becomes pretty simple when you see it through this lens.

Ulic Qel-Droma · 03-10-2014, 07:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tapioca

Your issue is that you didn't date enough/sleep with enough women before she came along. If you slept with women in a similar manner before you two started dating, it wouldn't be such an issue for you. Honestly, it would be pretty strange if she didn't have fun in her 20s - all women that are remotely attractive in their 20s will have men chasing them left and right.

No one is perfect; everyone has a past. Maybe she had some thoughts about you not being experienced enough for a long-term relationship. She seems to have moved on. You have to decide if you can be mature about it and move on too.

quote for truth.

you just never had an opportunity to be a man slut.

if you had, you would know, it's quite normal. everyone is a slut when presented with the right scenario.

Noir · 03-11-2014, 12:05 PM

Edit: It's already been said

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6793026 · 03-11-2014, 06:50 PM

this is the one reason i never ever want to hear about a girl's slutty stories. you neverknow if it will ever fuck u up in the mind.

Noir · 03-11-2014, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by !Aznboi128

Let's be honest Good guys want be Bad, Bad guys want to be good.

No, more like Good Guys want to be Bad, and bad guys just want to keep having fun.

I don't know if it's just me but what most of the OP just described, is a serious turn on. I've dated women before with no stories to tell. Booooooooring.

Bad Girls > Good Girls any day of the week. Yes, even weekdays.

Wykydtron · 03-12-2014, 05:55 PM

She is open and honest with you. She is completely faithful to you. She has completely turned around her life from what she used to do. Dude, shit or get off the pot. You can't change the past. So if it bothers you this much, move on, and let her find someone who won't hold something so insignificant (insignificant in the big picture really) against her, and lover her for who she is; past present and future. You sound like you have a keeper. A girl who has done her partying. A girl who has gone through some really shitty times, and come out on the other end.

nabs · 03-12-2014, 06:10 PM

I agree with what most of the repliers are saying and Ice Boy's post is stating what I believe as well.

Another thing that may not have been mentioned is that she openly trusted you with this information. She could have chose to hide it, lie about it, tell you about it a few years from now (when you would be more invested in the relationship so it would be more devastating), or let you hear about it from others. But she decided to disclose this information to you, TRUSTING you not to hold it against her. I am pretty sure she did this because she really truly likes you, wants you to know about her past so that it will not interfere with your relationship in the near future.

I also believed she told you this so that if there are any problems YOU have with this, to save the both of you hardship and hurt later on if its a reason that you break up.

You had one year, relationship wise its not a long time, but its a long time to hold something like this to yourself.

Your two options as far as I see...

Accept her for who she is and trust her.

Leave the relationship because its eating you up inside. But don't leave it til later, do it now because its not fair to her.

If it was me, knowing what I've been through. I would be able to understand that people are who they are right now, because of where they have been. So it really wouldn't bother me. It should be comforting to know that she's lived that life, she's gotten it "out of her system", she's matured and is ready for a real relationship (with you).

Good Luck

mr_chin · 03-12-2014, 08:32 PM

^ What nabs said.

If it is going to bother you, it's not going to change over night or over the year. A lot of people say they will try to accept a person's past, but later down the road in an argument, it will be brought up, and it will be the reason of a broken relationship/marriage. You really only have two options.

If you love her but can't accept her past, let her go and tell her it's because you love her and she deserve someone better.

If you love her and want to accept her past, do it out of love and not pity.

underscore · 03-13-2014, 01:03 AM

About her: For pretty much anything, the best way to learn is through personal experience. Partying and relationships are no different, she went through the party girl shit and dated some assholes, and IMO that's the best way to truly appreciate someone that's good for you when you meet them. I would wager big money that she cares for you more knowing how much better you are for her than the guys that treated her horribly, than if she had never dated any of them and just met you. I know that's how I feel about my girlfriend and how she feels about me, we've both dated some really shitty people and it definitely makes us appreciate each other a lot more.

If that doesn't make sense, here's something pretty much anyone could relate to: think of it like taking a piss. If you just go when you need to, you don't think much about it (ie not having had shit relationships). But if you have to hold it until you feel like you're gonna explode, when you finally get to take a leak, you appreciate the hell out of it. You love the fact that you're able to take a leak because of how shitty things were when you had to hold it (holding it = dating assholes).

About you: I can relate to the feeling you've got, I'm guessing your sexual history isn't as lengthy as hers and you might feel like maybe she's a bit more attractive than you or something because she had an easier time meeting guys than you had meeting girls. The longer you're together, the more comfortable you should become with each other and the less you should care about her past. You also have to realize how insignificant her past really is, aside from making her appreciate you more like I said above, it really isn't likely to affect anything.

If you don't notice yourself being less and less concerned with this as time goes on then you need to seriously re-evaluate things. If you don't, you run the risk of losing someone who was great for you, and you may not fully realize it until you're with someone who is terrible for you. Have you been in a shitty relationship before? If you haven't, it might be harder for you to work past her past because you may not fully realize how irrelevant it is.

It's unfortunate for her that she was raped after she got overly drunk (yes she was raped, not "letting herself be taken advantage of", unless he was as drunk as her then it was a rape) but you shouldn't be directing any of the blame for that to her. Realize that it is was 100% the fault of the shithead who raped her and focus instead on how you'd like to pummel the guy for doing that to her.