REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

320icar · 03-13-2014, 01:21 AM

My god. Nail on the fucking head ^^
Posted via RS Mobile

Hot Karl · 03-13-2014, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ICE BOY

If you can't accept it, that's your problem.

Take her for who she is now cause no one can change the past.

this is a load of crap. it isn't all on you to blindly accept this girl and pretend like the past didn't happen.

i'm not saying you rag on her or bring up said past, but let's not all act like all that happened was she used to party.

the bigger problem is her reaction to serious shit. if anything serious happens to her, is her response to go on a binge and end up god knows where?

that isn't worrying about her past, that's worrying about her future.

**flip the script. OP gets blackout drunk and smacks up his bitch numerous times. but that was his past and let's all forgive him.
that's fine and dandy assuming the person isn't going to relapse. if so, then OP will be holding the bag next time some shit goes down.

***this isn't about her sleeping around in the past. read the fucking post. after drama in her life, she went on an epic bender which created even worse drama.
you are essentially dealing with a recovering alcoholic or drug user. it's all happy days until they relapse into hell. that's what the OP is living with and will need YEARS of stability before that thought exits his mind.

JKam · 03-13-2014, 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hot Karl

this is a load of crap. it isn't all on you to blindly accept this girl and pretend like the past didn't happen.

i'm not saying you rag on her or bring up said past, but let's not all act like all that happened was she used to party.

the bigger problem is her reaction to serious shit. if anything serious happens to her, is her response to go on a binge and end up god knows where?

that isn't worrying about her past, that's worrying about her future.

**flip the script. OP gets blackout drunk and smacks up his bitch numerous times. but that was his past and let's all forgive him.
that's fine and dandy assuming the person isn't going to relapse. if so, then OP will be holding the bag next time some shit goes down.

***this isn't about her sleeping around in the past. read the fucking post. after drama in her life, she went on an epic bender which created even worse drama.
you are essentially dealing with a recovering alcoholic or drug user. it's all happy days until they relapse into hell. that's what the OP is living with and will need YEARS of stability before that thought exits his mind.

Well what would you do about it then? All you can do is support this person and hope that they don't "relapse". That's pretty much how you support recovering addicts isn't it? Of course it might bother you but what are you going to do about it? You either accept that it's going to be a rough ride and stay until the end or you get off and move on. Not saying you ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. you just deal with it.

All relationships require a leap of faith. This one is no different.

underscore · 03-13-2014, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hot Karl

the bigger problem is her reaction to serious shit. if anything serious happens to her, is her response to go on a binge and end up god knows where?

I highly doubt it if she dislikes that part of her past, I would only be worried about this if she had repeatedly done this.

Noir · 03-13-2014, 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hot Karl

this is a load of crap. it isn't all on you to blindly accept this girl and pretend like the past didn't happen.

i'm not saying you rag on her or bring up said past, but let's not all act like all that happened was she used to party.

the bigger problem is her reaction to serious shit. if anything serious happens to her, is her response to go on a binge and end up god knows where?

that isn't worrying about her past, that's worrying about her future.

**flip the script. OP gets blackout drunk and smacks up his bitch numerous times. but that was his past and let's all forgive him.
that's fine and dandy assuming the person isn't going to relapse. if so, then OP will be holding the bag next time some shit goes down.

***this isn't about her sleeping around in the past. read the fucking post. after drama in her life, she went on an epic bender which created even worse drama.
you are essentially dealing with a recovering alcoholic or drug user. it's all happy days until they relapse into hell. that's what the OP is living with and will need YEARS of stability before that thought exits his mind.

You can't compare people who resort to domestic violence as a response to grief vs, people who overdo trying to have fun as a response instead.

Yes, let's flip the script but lets ask how many guys in RS, post-break up went on a party/casual sex binge instead.

El Bastardo · 03-14-2014, 07:50 AM

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster

Hey guys, I'm back, been super busy with work, school starting etc.. just read through everything and some information I like to add on.

1. yes, she was raped, I just didnt really want to type that out, not admitting it, I guess I didnt really want to think about it that way. I also do realize I have to focus on finding out who the shithead is, and make him pay a consequences for it. However, we've talked this through before, and she told me to not worry about it as it was her own problem for not taking care of herself, and "whats the point of beating on the guy, and risking myself at the same time" (getting busted by police, or getting myself involve with some gang people who knows.)

2. before her, I have met girls whos got 20+ men before, and yes, I didnt like that well, but I did my best to think for the good, trusted that girl, and pour alot of time, energy, money into the relationship, but it went to shit a year in, she fucked another guy and cheated for money. (the new guy is rich as fuck). The one before this has family issues, and we never really had the bf/gf title, but we slept many times, every where as well. The current girl knows all about this as well, so i know its not fair to look at her past relationships.

3. I have also had one night stand, but honestly, I found it boring lol.. maybe cuz I was drunk and I dont know about you guys, I dont feel shit when I am drunk fucking.. and that was the only time I fuck outside of a relationship, I was single at that time as well.

4. GF is 22 right now. Funny too when she first start dating me she told me she thought promises are meant to be broken, but now shes starting to say that she wants to be together forever (I know most of you will think this is a joke, but shes really serious, even consider removing her tatoo cuz my family is super traditional)

5. Irrelavent I think, but shes involved with my interest, we shop wheels together, as well as taking the car to get it tuned, but she constantly bugs me to switch to an E30..

To sum it up, She is a keeper, for me, shes the best so far, I have seen and had the chance to date a girl way hotter than my girl right now, but I made this choice because of my girls personality, as well as all the similar interest etc. I think I am mostly ok with the past bfs, past relationships of hers, I'm starting to feel better about the party rape, as well as the stuff she did, but from time to time, I dont know if its more the feeling of "I should have met her earlier". I know what to do, and I am not planning to lose her. I am just looking for ways to feel better, and I think Revscene has done it again.

Gazorcoop · 03-14-2014, 08:12 AM

You should not have met her earlier. As said in a previous post, she may not be as appreciative as she is to have you if it weren't for the previous guys. Basically, who she is now is shaped by her past, no matter how you look at it. This is the brain we're talking about, so there will be so many things different including the way she thinks and reacts to certain phrases, actions, situations, etc.

Good on you. I personally have also gone the route of personality vs. looks and taken personality. The looks can change and/or will grow on you. You can't change ones personality too much. Look passed her past. We all have our own story; many of us not as pristine as others. But as we get older, it's almost inevitable.

Cheers OP
Posted via RS Mobile

Hot Karl · 03-14-2014, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKam

Well what would you do about it then? All you can do is support this person and hope that they don't "relapse". That's pretty much how you support recovering addicts isn't it? Of course it might bother you but what are you going to do about it? You either accept that it's going to be a rough ride and stay until the end or you get off and move on. Not saying you ignore it and pretend it didn't happen. you just deal with it.

All relationships require a leap of faith. This one is no different.

and like dealing with recovering addicts, if you blindly go into this with all faith and no reservations you run the risk of getting full on screwed.

i'm not saying OP has to run away or be an asshole. but i'm saying a little caution isn't the worst thing in the world.

it's better then the full on hippy love fest. forgive and forget everything. uh no that's not how the real world works.

obviously as their relationship progresses OP and the GF will have this drift away in the past. but it's crazy stupid to pretend like it doesn't exist. at some level she needs counseling to make sure this is a dead issue. not something lurking and waiting to rear it's ugly head again.

but hey love fixes everything right? let's all just stick our heads in the sand because things are going ok RIGHT NOW. yea sure that always works out well for both parties.

Iceman-19 · 03-14-2014, 11:08 AM

Lol, OP is going to get fucked over again. Sounds like he enjoys getting walked all over, so lets leave him to it.

JKam · 03-14-2014, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hot Karl

and like dealing with recovering addicts, if you blindly go into this with all faith and no reservations you run the risk of getting full on screwed.

i'm not saying OP has to run away or be an asshole. but i'm saying a little caution isn't the worst thing in the world.

it's better then the full on hippy love fest. forgive and forget everything. uh no that's not how the real world works.

obviously as their relationship progresses OP and the GF will have this drift away in the past. but it's crazy stupid to pretend like it doesn't exist. at some level she needs counseling to make sure this is a dead issue. not something lurking and waiting to rear it's ugly head again.

but hey love fixes everything right? let's all just stick our heads in the sand because things are going ok RIGHT NOW. yea sure that always works out well for both parties.

Obviously some caution is granted but if you're in his shoes and asking that she gets counselling that's pretty insulting to her. It's up to HER to get counselling to see if it's a deeper issue, not his.

No one is saying forgive and forget everything. There's really nothing to forgive either. No one is saying to ignore it like it never happened but what can you do about the past? The only thing HE can do is support her and help her. It's on HER to fix her issues, not him.

If she ends up in a destructive spiral again, that's a risk he knew about before getting into this. Getting hurt is always a possibility in any relationship.

PLUS the source of her destructive behaviour looks to be shitty boyfriends and depression. If she's happy with OP then there's no destructive behaviour. Problem solved.

I think at the core we're saying the same thing just different interpretations..

Iceman-19 · 03-14-2014, 11:16 AM

Shes 22 years old. At that age women are about as smart as 9 year olds when it comes to "adult" decision making. She is going to get bored of homely boring OP and move back into her partying stage once she forgets all about the bad shit that happened (which does happen), and the circle of life will continue. She will hook up with some asshole, OP will get cheated on again, and we will get a new CONFIDENTIAL posting in the relationship forum.

mr_chin · 03-14-2014, 09:35 PM

Wow, 22? And you've determined that she's a keeper? She's gonna go in and out of the phase of partying, trust me. Either that, she's going to want to travel which leads to more partying. Bitches love travel.

Alby · 03-14-2014, 10:41 PM

i've met my wife when we were in highschool and we were age 17. after several years i knew she was a keeper. we are happily married with a family now. you will know when you have a keeper. age is somewhat irrelevant.

Mr.Money · 03-14-2014, 10:43 PM

a gentle men does not go with something he feels less then he deserves.

Dump that little Craigslist whore.

underscore · 03-14-2014, 10:44 PM

^ because every 22 year old woman is completely identical...

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKam

Obviously some caution is granted but if you're in his shoes and asking that she gets counselling that's pretty insulting to her. It's up to HER to get counselling to see if it's a deeper issue, not his.

No one is saying forgive and forget everything. There's really nothing to forgive either. No one is saying to ignore it like it never happened but what can you do about the past? The only thing HE can do is support her and help her. It's on HER to fix her issues, not him.

If she ends up in a destructive spiral again, that's a risk he knew about before getting into this. Getting hurt is always a possibility in any relationship.

PLUS the source of her destructive behaviour looks to be shitty boyfriends and depression. If she's happy with OP then there's no destructive behaviour. Problem solved.

I think at the core we're saying the same thing just different interpretations..

I agree, counseling over something like this would be a bit excessive. If every person who got drunk and slept around after a shitty relationship went to counseling nobody else would be able to get an appointment.

And yeah sure, there's a potential risk of this behavior happening again, but there's a risk of something triggering destructive behavior in anybody. There's inherent risk in damn near anything, but unless you want to play it completely safe and be forever alone, you do have to put yourself out there a bit, and you'll only ever get as much out of a relationship as you put into it.

Mr.HappySilp · 03-14-2014, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mr_chin

Wow, 22? And you've determined that she's a keeper? She's gonna go in and out of the phase of partying, trust me. Either that, she's going to want to travel which leads to more partying. Bitches love travel.

So true I know this girl who have to travel every year to another country and a few trips within North American.......

Ulic Qel-Droma · 03-17-2014, 02:24 AM

i think you guys (and westerners in general) have a screwed up perception of sex and intimacy. it's not some rare exotic shit that's put on a pedestal.

That and there's a very obvious divide between the possessive and the non possessive here. If one isn't so possessive, they won't care about those sex things.

it's the same thing for those guy's that get hella angry or upset or jealous when they see other guys checking their girls out or flirting with the girls they're with.

this is just another level deeper.

who cares if she's fucked 20 guys. that's not even that much.

if you see a chick you like, you'd bone her if she wanted to bone you too.
if she sees a dude she likes, she's gonna bone him if he wants to bone her too.

that's all there is to it.

your values are skewed to the point where it is interfering with your life and making you upset over nothing.

all you always have to remember is, if something is bothering you... it's not the universe that's out to get you. it's you that's getting you. you're creating your own problems.
stop being a little kid and wanting to bend values to what you expect them to be. you don't see scientists trying to bed the laws of physics to suit their expectations (the apple always drops down, no matter what, doesn't matter what you expect or want to happen).
the same goes for everything else in life.

don't try to change the world, cuz you will fail. instead, change yourself. and the world will change according to your perspective.

"You do not see the world as it is. You see the world as you are.”

El Bastardo · 03-17-2014, 02:10 PM

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster

Thanks for all the serious discussion guys, I do understand what I'm sort of dealing with a person on recovery, I'm quite honest about the situation with myself, as of right now, I do not feel like I have any potential issue as we live together, since the very beginning. A year and half in she is still the same as when it begun, we still celebrate every moment together, and going to parties, ktvs, local trips together, just living the life right. The only places she hates are clubs and some motels (apparently reminds her of her past) as some guys have pointed out that she might re-live her past all over again once she gets bored of me, this was a problem I was worry about ever since the very beginning, but so far it hasnt become a reality, well I assume it can potentially be a future problem if she does turn out that way I know what to do. But as of now, she has kept her promises and became a totally different person, those promises she kept are leading to bigger promises, for a 22 year old she is bearing alot of responsibility as well as burden from her past as far as I know, I dont think I will be another person to turn her down when shes up and to let her crush when shes down.

some people might call me whip, but I take this for been a gentleman. I should be glad she had been honest with me the whole way.

k2_alpha · 03-17-2014, 03:25 PM

I am near the same boat Alby and fully agree with him. 9 years this May for us.
I met my girl friend in high school and we have discussed marriage. If it was financially feasible with our life plans, we would be married already. Maturity comes to people at different ages.

Though there is a risk of her slipping into her past partying ways, she might be done with it. Taking the op's comments at face value, the gf appears to be taking responsibility of her rape and moving on. Rape might be the event that tipped her over to end the partying lifestyle.

As others have said, there is a risk in everything. How you deal with risk is what defines you.

I would recommend you the op, to have a conversation about her past and your insecurities. Let her know your fears and see what she thinks of her past. Have and open and honest discussion.
Ignore the whole "beta/pussy" male thing. You could go try to mend to the "strong alpha male" persona, but are you really giving her the real you? You value her honesty. Does she want the honest you? This issue is eating at you; enough to ask strangers on the internet for advice.

Alby · 03-17-2014, 04:38 PM

on another note, think of it this way. you know the potential risks right now. and you went for it. if things go sour, knock on wood that it doesn't, you won't have to think back what if and no regrets. to me that would eat me up alive more than anything else.

Noir · 03-18-2014, 12:22 AM

Why do you keep looking at "partying" as her issue and not yours? I see that's the biggest concern you have is if, or when she slips back.

IMO, her slipping back to partying only hurts you and your ownership of her. Perhaps, her history bothers you so much because her history is a constant reminder that if you ever get boring, if you ever get complacent, or if ever she finds you as "not enough", her history demonstrates that she is more than capable of finding her own fun.

I mean, right now things are fine and dandy because life with you is much better than a life of party. Congratulations, but perhaps only for now.

You claim don't want her slipping back to her old ways, or unable to keep her promises to you, and you guise it under the pretense that these concerns are for her own sake, but could it be that, your concerns are stemming from the possibility that one day, she may think a life of party is much better than a life with you?

El Bastardo · 03-18-2014, 05:02 PM

The following is the final reply from the anonymous original poster

Thanks again guys for continuously giving me more advises. Just to make things clear, I'm looking more for ways to focus on getting over the issue, not advise on what to do, many of you might have misunderstood me, or I might have wrote it wrong. I am fully honestly with myself about her, and am quite a bit more confident now that she has been promising and faithful, and its still going strong.

Regarding talking about the past and my feelings towards her past, it is exactly like you said, the rape crossed her line, it was a once thing, it was the only time it happened. she did not sleep around as she had some real strictive work scheduels. Some may ask me "how do you know" but that doesnt matter anymore right? since if shes honest with me on something so negative about herself, I think she wouldnt have hidden anything else. We talked about getting back into her past, she says she is now tired of making tons of friends as she understands life, she needs some real friends and not just drink and party friends. She now realizes now unreal a party, drunk, friendly social circle is, and only wants to work hard for her future.

As for me, I believe her. I needed advise on how to get over her past, I am not planninig to make a decision of leaving her or keeping her, but thanks guys for all the comments anyway.

I'm very happy that I got alot of helpful information, and very glad many of you had reminded me how rare it is for a girl to share a past so unbareble. I think I found my ways now.

Thanks again, guys.