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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 09-03-2009, 03:34 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noir View Post
Maybe you don't like her but subconciously, you just don't like people trespassing on your resources
(whether those resources are currently being used or not)
edit:
There's no shame in this if you find that there's partial truth to it. We guys can be a selfish lot sometimes.
+1

Wise words from a wise man

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Old 09-03-2009, 06:56 PM   #27
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ever since i hear this news, no matter how many 'hunnies' i see , i just dont seem to care for them and that is very unlike me. i'll be the first to point out some poon walking down the street , or jb sittin at starbucks etc..

what kind of other stuff is there to do. i work , and i go to school - thats all i do. before it was work , school , and hang with her / friends ( friends = that guy + our mutual friends .

meeting other girls might help , but for some reason , like i said above , i dont seem to care for them as much anymore...
Go workout, try a new hobby or sport, hang out with other groups of friends!

Is she ugly? Is that why there is no attraction?

The part about not caring for any other girls make it seem like you do like her.


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I guess. When I thought about it I also felt a little selfish, wanting her all for my self. I didnt care about her happiness just mine. I felt like a jerk after that thought process.

So how do you fix it? How do you be happy when someone is "using" "your resources"?
She’s not your resource, per se, cause you didn’t claim her. I do think it’s selfish now for you to be doing this, but as Noir said, we’re all selfish in our own ways. As you said earlier, she was more in your friend zone than you in hers and you thought that she had something for you, but you just kept her around and …used her. I don’t really know how she found time to find the new guy if she was spending so much time with you like you say, but I say good for her, cause you woulda just kept dragging her along, wasting her time. You took it for granted cause you assumed that she’d always be there.

About cutting all ties, it’s up to you. If you’re really in that much pain to see them together then just lay low for a while, hang out with some other friends first. You don’t have to do everything together. You’d just seem like the little person if you totally ignore them tho, so I wouldn’t suggest that cause they didn’t do anything wrong. If you do that, they may end up de-friending you, cause it seems so petty and immature.

And who knows, they may not even work out. If you do actually like her, you may have a chance later on down the road (if you’re still friends). Just try to figure out what it is that you actually want and what your feelings are first. Lay low and put your mind on other things for a while. All you need is time.
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Last edited by ebee; 09-03-2009 at 08:04 PM.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:31 PM   #28
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how did you approach it? did you talk to the guy or the girl? how did you ride it out?
did you see your self getting physical with the girl?

It was an agonizing couple of weeks, she was/is my best friend and all though, it was just fucked up, I wouldn't mind being with her, but never really did, and he probably thought I would be a threat to their relationship, they ended up breaking up because he was an inconsiderate asshole though.

Worst of all was she told me not to talk to her, and even after a few weeks of them not being together, i just decided not to talk to her, pretending as if I didn't know the only reason she'd say that was because of him, and she comes up and asks me why aren't you talking to me?

for the first little while I ignored her and maybe genuinely didn't want to talk to her for being a sell out, even though we are really tight friends to this day, I still have to judge her because the trust isn't there anymore, I think this is different to your situation though because the guy is not a total asshole LOL
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Old 09-04-2009, 01:52 AM   #29
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so in my case, would it be better to cut all ties with her , or be there for her incase things dont work out for her.. if i cut all ties , i exclude my self from group activities cuz both of them are there ; if i keep connected , it'll be that much harder to suppress the feelings...

this shit is insane, the more i think about it the more i get confused...
No. Don't do anything that dramatic.

There's really nothing better to do when clearly what you want is her; whether as a gf, or just a friend who has you on her top priority. But being a man is sometimes learning how to deal with shit when things don't go your way, accepting things that you can't change, taking life's lemons.

So all in all, you just gotta take it like a man. You'll grow that way.
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Old 09-04-2009, 10:55 AM   #30
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I don't think you ever gave it a chance to become physical. I think you answered it above. Your significant other should be someone who "I could always count on" and "did everything bf/gf would do"
Sometimes when there are no time pressures and you don't have to make a move the transition from friend to couple can take awhile. Now you will get to see her in another light. I don't think you've lost her completely, unless she decides that being you never made a move that she is done with you.
you snooze you lose.
I dont think i've lost her completely , but i've probably lost 60-70% of her. Even as I type this I dont feel physically attracted to her. she's not ugly or anything , just that feeling is not there.

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Originally Posted by ebee View Post
Go workout, try a new hobby or sport, hang out with other groups of friends!

Is she ugly? Is that why there is no attraction?

The part about not caring for any other girls make it seem like you do like her.




She’s not your resource, per se, cause you didn’t claim her. I do think it’s selfish now for you to be doing this, but as Noir said, we’re all selfish in our own ways. As you said earlier, she was more in your friend zone than you in hers and you thought that she had something for you, but you just kept her around and …used her. I don’t really know how she found time to find the new guy if she was spending so much time with you like you say, but I say good for her, cause you woulda just kept dragging her along, wasting her time. You took it for granted cause you assumed that she’d always be there.

About cutting all ties, it’s up to you. If you’re really in that much pain to see them together then just lay low for a while, hang out with some other friends first. You don’t have to do everything together. You’d just seem like the little person if you totally ignore them tho, so I wouldn’t suggest that cause they didn’t do anything wrong. If you do that, they may end up de-friending you, cause it seems so petty and immature.

And who knows, they may not even work out. If you do actually like her, you may have a chance later on down the road (if you’re still friends). Just try to figure out what it is that you actually want and what your feelings are first. Lay low and put your mind on other things for a while. All you need is time.
well said. I shall try to act on what you said.

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It was an agonizing couple of weeks, she was/is my best friend and all though, it was just fucked up, I wouldn't mind being with her, but never really did, and he probably thought I would be a threat to their relationship, they ended up breaking up because he was an inconsiderate asshole though.

Worst of all was she told me not to talk to her, and even after a few weeks of them not being together, i just decided not to talk to her, pretending as if I didn't know the only reason she'd say that was because of him, and she comes up and asks me why aren't you talking to me?

for the first little while I ignored her and maybe genuinely didn't want to talk to her for being a sell out, even though we are really tight friends to this day, I still have to judge her because the trust isn't there anymore, I think this is different to your situation though because the guy is not a total asshole LOL
hmm, are you guys ok now? what did you do when she said not to talk to you?

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No. Don't do anything that dramatic.

There's really nothing better to do when clearly what you want is her; whether as a gf, or just a friend who has you on her top priority. But being a man is sometimes learning how to deal with shit when things don't go your way, accepting things that you can't change, taking life's lemons.

So all in all, you just gotta take it like a man. You'll grow that way.
I think i just want her as a friend who has me on their top priority - but i guess this is too much to ask now...


anyways , she txt me last night , and i kinda revealed how i felt in a beating the bush type of way. she said that our friendship is completely platonic and nothing would change. she said if i need someone to talk to she'd still be there , and we can still go and hang out n stuff - the bf is not gonna stop her from having friends and hanging out with her friends.

i guess i feel a little better knowing she's still there for me , not 98/100 , but even 30/100 is better than 0/100 .


the woozy feeling has died down somewhat - and like you guys said , time is key factor.
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Old 09-04-2009, 11:08 AM   #31
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^^^

See. Aren't you glad you didn't cut of all ties. Goes to show that dramatic actions really do more harm than good. And that sometimes, the best solution is to just maintain composure. It's easier for things to work itself out that way. And at little to no action by you.

Glad it all worked out.
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:15 PM   #32
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Yeah dude, if she was a good friend of yours - you shouldn't have doubted her.

Probably going to a little rough since the girl and your buddy are in the early stage of a relationship. Know what I mean?

Anyway, good luck with that...don't be so clingy and don't wait for HER call. Do your part too.
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Old 09-05-2009, 10:50 AM   #33
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hmm, are you guys ok now? what did you do when she said not to talk to you?
Damn we were good for the last few months, just found out she's recently been with someone, and similar situation as before, except when we chilled yesterday, she was afraid that we (her and I) would be seen together and he'd make assumptions, so we had a really awkward day yesterday. Really upset about it now cause we can't be as close anymore, I've just had a bad history of friends having jealous boyfriends because most of my closest friends are girls and I'm usually single. I don't know what to do anymore either...
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Old 09-05-2009, 11:33 AM   #34
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^^^

See. Aren't you glad you didn't cut of all ties. Goes to show that dramatic actions really do more harm than good. And that sometimes, the best solution is to just maintain composure. It's easier for things to work itself out that way. And at little to no action by you.

Glad it all worked out.

I guess it was just not knowing where she stood in terms of us. Once it was made clear, it was alright.


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Yeah dude, if she was a good friend of yours - you shouldn't have doubted her.

Probably going to a little rough since the girl and your buddy are in the early stage of a relationship. Know what I mean?

Anyway, good luck with that...don't be so clingy and don't wait for HER call. Do your part too.
Yeah I kinda know what you mean, but she said it's gonna be ok. Her saying that made things better.
Also, what do you mean by 'don't wait for HER call. do your part too'?

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Damn we were good for the last few months, just found out she's recently been with someone, and similar situation as before, except when we chilled yesterday, she was afraid that we (her and I) would be seen together and he'd make assumptions, so we had a really awkward day yesterday. Really upset about it now cause we can't be as close anymore, I've just had a bad history of friends having jealous boyfriends because most of my closest friends are girls and I'm usually single. I don't know what to do anymore either...
Oh Shit! well, you can do what I did, just talk to her. and then follow what people said to me haha. No need to re-invent the wheel here.. but then again u r situation is a bit hard , cuz you dont know the guy , where as in my case , the guy was also my friend , and he understands that her and i were there long before he came into the pic.


another problem solved thnx to the RS Therapists.
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