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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 03-10-2010, 06:39 PM   #1
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Addiction and Pornography

I'm a man so naturally, especially with the boys, I'm going to be pro-pornography but I also want to share a story about some of the bad that can sometimes come with the male need for it.

I have worked with some people that are very wealthy and have significant success in the business world. The sad thing is that most of these men, have a lot of dysfunctions. Some of it stems from the fact that due to their high incomes and high net worth, they seem to lack family values or even human values because they are usually able to throw money at their problems.

An example would be one gentleman I worked with that would constantly call escorts and prostitutes because he couldn't be bothered to find a woman, go on a date, and build a relationship. He has no respect for women and had various other problems I won't get into as it is not related.

Many of the people I worked with were divorced or had marriages that were nothing more than a sham.

So what does this have to do with pornography?

I know of a few people that are essentially addicted to pornography. They don't feel they are but if asked to go a week without even a small peek on the internet, they all fail. This is a huge problem because they feel as though they are not addicted but cannot stop.

Some of these people, not just friends but co-workers as well, figured that they wasted nearly 10 hours a week looking for pornography. A long time ago, I considered my situation harmless until I took a cold hard look at things and realized that I was no different.

The internet makes this so accessible that we often forget that we might be harming ourselves in the process. If you look at pornography, I'm not saying that you have a problem or that you are addicted but it's a warning to be careful because it is something that sneaks up on you and before long, you end up being seriously addicted.

Of all the drugs, heroine is the most addictive drug (according to medical sources) and pornography is considered significantly harder to overcome. Keep in mind that this addiction may not be a problem if you're alone but if you end up with a partner that does not appreciate pornography, it can have serious concequenses.

We will assume a man in the following example:

A man is watching pornography and starts dating a girl and all is well until she moves in with him. Now, she catches him with his stash on his computer or catches him watching pornography. Some woman are okay with this but there are a lot that are not okay with it. If she's not, she will ask him to stop and if she's a good girlfriend, offer to encourage him to look more at her as she tries to satisfy his needs.

This is where it gets difficult. Of course, the guy is going to promise to delete all the material to keep his girl or wife happy. As time goes on, there is a high chance that the addiction will get the better of him and he will eventually watch some kind of pornography again. In due time, he will be caught and then things will get difficult. She will be mad that he broke his promise not to do it and things become difficult.

Like most addictions, the addicted person says they will stop (drinking, smoking, drugs, gambling, etc) but rather than stop, find new and creative ways to do the same thing but without getting caught.

The situation goes from bad to worse. Eventually, this addiction will kill the relationship. One thing that makes porn interesting is that it's an addiction that most of us don't consider an addiction, yet it can be the most damaging.

To make matters worse, there are relationship patterns that encourage the use of pornography. A perfect example is a man and woman aren't getting along and after a few days, the guy is going to get horny and need to have sex with his partner. Normally, the couple would need to work out their problems, kiss and make up, move forward and that usually finished with sex. The reason why make up sex is usually so good is because of the delay in waiting for it. That's why the bigger the fight, the longer the wait, the better the make up sex.

With pornography, often the woman is upset about something and the guy gets his 'make up sex' feeling from a movie or pictures. This prevents the guy from making a bigger effort to solve the problems in the relationship. The relationship suffers in many cases.

The point of all this is not to say you're bad for watching porn or that porn is the end of the world. It is nothing more then a wake up call to many of us that while it may seem great on the surface, it has a price. Sometimes that price can cause problems with us, those around us, and our relationships.

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Old 03-10-2010, 06:54 PM   #2
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Of all the drugs, heroine is the most addictive drug (according to medical sources) and pornography is considered significantly harder to overcome.
lol
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:55 PM   #3
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Old 03-10-2010, 06:59 PM   #4
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I read that entire thing, and I don't get why on earth you just typed all that and posted it.
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half those dudes are hotter than ,my GF.
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reading this thread is like waiting for goku to charge up a spirit bomb in dragon ball z
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OH thank god. I thought u had sex with my wife. :cry:
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Old 03-10-2010, 07:00 PM   #5
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I posted it just as an FYI since this is a relationship forum. I'm killing time at a friend's place before I go out for dinner.

I could have probably substituted pornography for rev scene in my case.
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:03 PM   #6
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Pornography is a means to an end--in this case, sexual pleasure without burdening one's partner. Is it selfish? Absolutely. But so is that container of chocolate ice cream your girlfriend's got at the back of the freezer. You might not be so happy that she's eating it because she might get a little rounder at the edges, and maybe you don't like that. But she does it anyways because it keeps her happy.

And really, can you quit chocolate ice cream? I mean, it's probably one of the most difficult addictions to break. How long have any girls YOU know gone without chocolate? They say that Chocolate aids in the release of 'relationship hormones'; those same ones that your body natually releases when you're in an emotional relationship. Should guys get jealous if a girl eats chocolate? "Aren't I good enough for you, honey? Doesn't your body release that hormone with me? Aren't you happy enough?"


Fuck that shit. If she can't deal with porn, she needs to get out the door. Quoth one of the girls I was dating before, "You'll always look at porn, it's just my job to try and make you look at ME as much as possible"


And that is the right attitude.
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:36 PM   #7
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Pornography's one hell of a drug....and there's nothing wrong with that drug.
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Old 03-10-2010, 08:52 PM   #8
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in soviet russia, pornography faps to me!
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Old 03-10-2010, 10:31 PM   #9
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10 hrs a week looking for porn? you need to get laid
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Old 03-10-2010, 11:55 PM   #10
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i porn
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Old 03-11-2010, 12:25 AM   #11
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I can't help but think this was an essay due for school and you needed feedback
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Old 03-11-2010, 01:56 AM   #12
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I can't help but think this was an essay due for school and you needed feedback
lol!
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Old 03-11-2010, 04:01 AM   #13
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Old 03-11-2010, 09:45 PM   #14
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^ i was scrolling down looking for you!
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:57 AM   #15
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you seem a little wound up.. maybe you should beat one off
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Old 03-12-2010, 12:59 AM   #16
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Grant P brings up a valid point on the subject

But I guess not enough people are in relationships or can relate, so the topic just goes right over their head. I guarantee the majority of people reading my post right now have spent more time watching porn then dating, or otherwise being with a female, or their girlfriend in the past week...

imo, threads like these are more insightful and fun to read then "OH em Geez a girl looked at me, what should i do naow!?! Is it too desperate if I tell her I love her?!"....
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Old 03-12-2010, 10:05 AM   #17
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Pornography is a means to an end--in this case, sexual pleasure without burdening one's partner. Is it selfish? Absolutely. But so is that container of chocolate ice cream your girlfriend's got at the back of the freezer. You might not be so happy that she's eating it because she might get a little rounder at the edges, and maybe you don't like that. But she does it anyways because it keeps her happy.
Selfishness has no place in a relationship, this is the reason more than half the long term relationships people have fail. This doesn't mean someone is not free to do as these please, but if it's having a negative effect on the relationship or their own personal well being, then there is a problem.

Taking this a step further, this is why escort services flourish. Accessibility to specific things that are based on urges can have lasting effects and with the growing number of problems, I would say people aren't heading in the right direction.

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And really, can you quit chocolate ice cream? I mean, it's probably one of the most difficult addictions to break. How long have any girls YOU know gone without chocolate? They say that Chocolate aids in the release of 'relationship hormones'; those same ones that your body natually releases when you're in an emotional relationship. Should guys get jealous if a girl eats chocolate? "Aren't I good enough for you, honey? Doesn't your body release that hormone with me? Aren't you happy enough?"
If the eating chocolate ice cream is causing problems in the relationship or their personal life, I would say that it can be classified as addiction. In fact, while in med school, it is quite amazing how many people have health problems, both physical and psychological, that stems from food related issues and addictions. If a woman is eating ice cream in place of her being intimate with her man, it is crippling and I would suggest it is equally as damaging.


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Fuck that shit. If she can't deal with porn, she needs to get out the door. Quoth one of the girls I was dating before, "You'll always look at porn, it's just my job to try and make you look at ME as much as possible"


And that is the right attitude.
I'm not disagreeing with the fact the woman has a certain obligation to keep the man's interest, just as the man has an obligation to do the same. Often, the things each sex needs is different, with men primarily having sex near the top of that list. This post has nothing to do with the fact that a partner may or may not approve of the other person watching porn, but the fact that there are a lot of hidden problems that can arise with something that initially seems so harmless.
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Old 03-12-2010, 10:12 AM   #18
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I can't help but think this was an essay due for school and you needed feedback
I am specializing in psychiatry and learning about addiction. I thought I'd share something in the relationship forum since I thought it was an interesting way of thinking about it.

Considering this forum has a section essentially dedicated to beating off and contains massive amounts of pornography, I thought it might be nice to offer a suggestion of the potential consequences.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:12 AM   #19
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This thread would be better if the OP had the "I subscribe to the Revscene NWS thread(s)" title.
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:19 AM   #20
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what are the hidden problems? i'm not going to go blind am i?
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Old 03-12-2010, 11:49 AM   #21
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what are the hidden problems? i'm not going to go blind am i?
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Old 03-12-2010, 04:22 PM   #22
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Anything can become an addiction/obsession if it takes over most of your life. I do however think that if it's something you did on occasion before you met your significant other you should be able to continue. As the things you do made you who you are. From my experience porn tends to make guys hornier and tends to set a switch on for them to initiate intimacy with their partner. I'm not saying that they need it to become horny, but when they do partake in it it seems to have a positive reaction for the partner.
Heck I luv going to the strip clubs with my other half. He's human, if he can't appreciate another womens beauty then how can he appreciate mine.
I think using escort services instead of building a real relationship is a product of laziness and societies need for things to happen fast and easy. I think our world of easy quick fixes has led some ppl to use these services as substitute relationships.
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Old 03-12-2010, 04:31 PM   #23
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seems fitting...

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OH thank god. I thought u had sex with my wife. :cry:
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Old 03-12-2010, 05:15 PM   #24
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Grant P brings up a valid point on the subject

But I guess not enough people are in relationships or can relate, so the topic just goes right over their head. I guarantee the majority of people reading my post right now have spent more time watching porn then dating, or otherwise being with a female, or their girlfriend in the past week...

imo, threads like these are more insightful and fun to read then "OH em Geez a girl looked at me, what should i do naow!?! Is it too desperate if I tell her I love her?!"....
LOLOL how did you know?
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Old 03-12-2010, 09:31 PM   #25
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Selfishness has no place in a relationship, this is the reason more than half the long term relationships people have fail. This doesn't mean someone is not free to do as these please, but if it's having a negative effect on the relationship or their own personal well being, then there is a problem.
Actually, the reason most relationships fail is that couples are not honest with each other. Well, actually, it's usually money. THEN it's dishonesty. If the guy hides his love for/use of pornography until they are 1-2 years into a relationship (or until she moves in, which is often the case), then she suddenly feels violated or like she is inadequate. By that same token, if she never mentions her loathing of pornography or her use of sex toys when he leaves her unsatisfied, that would fall under a similar category, no?

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Taking this a step further, this is why escort services flourish. Accessibility to specific things that are based on urges can have lasting effects and with the growing number of problems, I would say people aren't heading in the right direction.
Why not? Why shouldn't sex be viewed in a transactional basis like everything else is? What makes sex so special? Morality? Christian mores?

My family has an odd habit of getting into discussions at family gatherings--and several of my aunts and uncles are anthropologists. We had a very interesting discussion about a tribal village in which men cannot create children--they simply allow women to release them. As a result, there is no concept of philandery, since there is no concept of monogamy--the children of the village are the children of the village; all of the men are the fathers.

So what makes sex different, and why is transactionizing sex 'heading in the [wrong] direction?'

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If the eating chocolate ice cream is causing problems in the relationship or their personal life, I would say that it can be classified as addiction. In fact, while in med school, it is quite amazing how many people have health problems, both physical and psychological, that stems from food related issues and addictions. If a woman is eating ice cream in place of her being intimate with her man, it is crippling and I would suggest it is equally as damaging.
I agree, if she is doing it in place of being intimate. However, you imply that pornography replaces sexual contact with a partner. In truth, for most men, it is simply something that will allow them to take care of their needs at their own pace in their own time. I am, admittedly, a copious masturbator, and yet I have NO issues insofar as intimacy with significant others and/or people with whom I have sex. Your implication that pornography and masturbation replace intimacy with a partner is a misrepresentation.

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I'm not disagreeing with the fact the woman has a certain obligation to keep the man's interest, just as the man has an obligation to do the same. Often, the things each sex needs is different, with men primarily having sex near the top of that list.
I'm snipping your last paragraph here 'cause this is the only part I think you and I see eye-to-eye on. Honesty is what's necessary, and I think you and I are coming at this perspective with a different idea of what an 'emotionally healthy sexual relationship' is.

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This post has nothing to do with the fact that a partner may or may not approve of the other person watching porn, but the fact that there are a lot of hidden problems that can arise with something that initially seems so harmless.
Well...that's not totally what you said in your first post:
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We will assume a man in the following example:

A man is watching pornography and starts dating a girl and all is well until she moves in with him. Now, she catches him with his stash on his computer or catches him watching pornography. Some woman are okay with this but there are a lot that are not okay with it. If she's not, she will ask him to stop and if she's a good girlfriend, offer to encourage him to look more at her as she tries to satisfy his needs.

This is where it gets difficult. Of course, the guy is going to promise to delete all the material to keep his girl or wife happy. As time goes on, there is a high chance that the addiction will get the better of him and he will eventually watch some kind of pornography again. In due time, he will be caught and then things will get difficult. She will be mad that he broke his promise not to do it and things become difficult.
Now, you said that a man would promise to 'delete the material' to keep his girl/wife happy. This is the essential problem. Not the porn itself, but the man lying to his woman. The man lying to the woman in saying that he will delete it and never use it again. Yet, he is lying because he is often being forced--"You're cheating on me if you're looking at porn!". But why do we have this view? Again, why is it that transactional sex--even with oneself--is a bad thing?


Communication is a key point in relationships, and I am a dirty old man. I cannot think of a single person I know (relatives included, sadly), who do not know this. I am upfront and honest--sex is important to me, and even if my partner and I are having a great deal of congress on a regular basis, I still have the need to relax on my own schedule, on my own time, with my long-time FWB, Palmela. Communication [of desires and needs] and Education [of the idea that sex does not need to be dealt with in a non-transactional method] are the key factors in eliminating the concept of 'addiction' related to pornography.
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