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Relationship & Gender Discussion THIS SPACE OPEN FOR ADVERTISEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ADVERTISING HERE!
The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 06-16-2010, 08:09 AM   #1
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Emotionally confused... I think I am cheating

I've known my wife for a very long time and have been married for several years. Throughout this time I have never been emotionally attracted to anyone else.

Recently, I met another woman through work and have conceded to myself that I am attracted to her. I am attracted to her on an emotional level and she's easy on the eyes too. This other woman is much the same as my wife: smart, ambitious, funny... the works.

I find myself thinking about this other woman on a daily basis. Her and I are friends and I intend to keep it that way and nothing beyond that. However, I've read up on issues such as emotional cheating and am afraid that I have cheated on my wife... emotionally. Nothing on the physical level... and there won't be... but knowing that I am growing fonder of another woman scares me to death.

I would like to believe that I am mature enough to separate business from pleasure and to be able to keep this friendship as a friendship and nothing more. But how does one control one's heart?

If I confess to this other woman that I am attracted to her, and therefore must end the friendship, then I've effectively admitted to myself that I am not mature enough to keep this friendship from progessing beyond nothing more than a friendship.

But if I continue the friendship then I am leaving myself open to a pandora's box of consequences.

I trust that I am mature enough to keep this friendship where it's at - but again, how does one control one's heart?

I am confused and am happy that this forum exists to provide a place for me to vent.

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Old 06-16-2010, 08:59 AM   #2
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the heart wants what the heart wants, there is no control over that; but our heads keep us from act on that desire, and that's one thing differentiate human from animals.

imo, instead of spending the time waiting for some random people on the internet to give you advise, I'd say be honest and talk to your wife about this issue.
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Old 06-16-2010, 09:49 AM   #3
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several years ago I had a friend who I was good friends with, and I found out she was attracted to me, and I didnt plan on getting too close, or cheat on my girl, but who knows what could happen down the road right? The way I see it is don't set yourself up where you will really have to test your will power. I cared about my girl too much to take that risk, and cut off the friendship with the girl. Harsh, but had to be done, I didnt want to take the risk.

Its hard for men and women to be friends, especially if there is some attraction going on. If you stay good friends with her, it might only be a matter of time before you're in a situation where you make a mistake which you will probably regret.

I'd say keep your distance, and if you have to work with her, keep it professional. Whatever you do, dont let yourself get into a situation where something might happen.
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Old 06-16-2010, 10:07 AM   #4
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several years ago I had a friend who I was good friends with, and I found out she was attracted to me, and I didnt plan on getting too close, or cheat on my girl, but who knows what could happen down the road right? The way I see it is don't set yourself up where you will really have to test your will power. I cared about my girl too much to take that risk, and cut off the friendship with the girl. Harsh, but had to be done, I didnt want to take the risk.

Its hard for men and women to be friends, especially if there is some attraction going on. If you stay good friends with her, it might only be a matter of time before you're in a situation where you make a mistake which you will probably regret.

I'd say keep your distance, and if you have to work with her, keep it professional. Whatever you do, dont let yourself get into a situation where something might happen.
Well said.
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Old 06-16-2010, 10:09 AM   #5
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Just don't act on it
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:36 PM   #6
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its time to back off the friendship.
just let it die and dont maintain what you're doing now, because its getting you into trouble.
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:38 PM   #7
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uhhh dont tell ur wife as somebody suggested
it might make ur wife paranoid whenever ur at work lol
if u really dont wanna emotionally cheat on her then quit socializing with her so much at work and hopefully or eventually those feelings will fade as time goes
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:14 PM   #8
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arnt you supposed to be kicking some footballs charlie brown?
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:21 PM   #9
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^lol

I realize that you trust yourself to be mature enough to maintain a friendship with a woman and nothing more, but if you feel like you are emotionally cheating on your wife, then I think it's ok to go ahead and tell this woman you are attracted to her and feel like you two need to cut off the friendship you currently have. Sometimes, this is the mature thing to do.
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:37 PM   #10
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Grass is always greener on the other side. You always want what you can't have.

Marriage might be something of a comfort but at the same time stability can mean the loss of excitement. A new person is just another spice to the old used up spice rack. Ignore it, stick with the wife if the new girl is exactly like the wife. Cuz after a while...she'll just be the same ol' flavour.
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Old 06-16-2010, 04:59 PM   #11
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ask your wife if you can have sex with her. if not, end the friendship.
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Old 06-16-2010, 05:00 PM   #12
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Being attracted to other people is completely normal - its human instinct, or more accurately, it's animal instinct as not many are committed to 1 lover for life.

Despite what you do now, with distancing yourself from the new girl or not, i'd recommend taking the opportunity to strengthen things with your wife, make an effort to keep things alive & exciting, if things are exciting and fresh with your wife, you will be less likely to even NEED to look sideways at other girls.

Good luck...
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Old 06-17-2010, 07:49 PM   #13
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keep your comments to yourself dont let the wife know. and control your emotions
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Old 06-17-2010, 08:55 PM   #14
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best thing to do is don't tell your wife and cut off contact with the girl; if it's meant you be you guys will find your way back to each other
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Old 06-17-2010, 09:25 PM   #15
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Don't tell the girl. For all you know she can be a munipilative bitch who enjoys and gets turned on by married men and stealing them away.

Also I don't think ending the friendship is the key. You will still have feelings for her and it's basically like putting a blanket covering up the fact. You need to understand that as a man feelings are only natural and that you are happily married with the love of your life.

It will be more satisfying and rewarding when the feelings for her wither away and you can enjoy a friendship.

Also, are you sure the feelings are inclusive just to her? Or the fact that there is a new woman in your life and you enjoy that new spark?
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Old 06-18-2010, 12:27 AM   #16
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ask permission for 3some?
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Old 06-18-2010, 11:37 AM   #17
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^

that might work


or a bitch slap across the face
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Old 06-18-2010, 01:57 PM   #18
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There's already been a lot of great inputs but just for the record:

Emotionally cheating is NOT cheating. If my wife today started having feelings for another guy, I would be hurt. But I wouldn't consider her having cheated until they've acted on it.

Hell, I wouldn't even like it if they went out for lunch together, dinner or coffee; but until they've connected physically: ie. french kiss, petting, sex, it's still not considered cheating, but it sure would suck.
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Old 06-18-2010, 03:52 PM   #19
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^You seem to contradict yourself, Noir. The threshold you define is purely a physical one and even you admit you would be hurt if your SO crossed an emotional line.

A marriage relationship isn't isolated to physical intimacy, rather, it is made up of multiple elements including emotion, trust, etc. If fidelity isn't maintained in all elements, then perhaps someone in the relationship would say the relationship has been compromised.

Guard your heart and that of your spouse if you think that you may be in peril of compromising your marriage relationship - step back. That should be your only criteria. Sure, you might lose a friend, but people come and go throughout your lifetime, especially those at work.
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Old 06-18-2010, 04:37 PM   #20
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^You seem to contradict yourself, Noir. The threshold you define is purely a physical one and even you admit you would be hurt if your SO crossed an emotional line.
Hurt yes, but she has done no wrong.

It is her obligation as my wife that she not "cheat" on me. However, in love, she should be "considerate" that she never put me in situations I find uncomfortable. If one has picked a good wife, she will not only meet the minimum requirements of a marriage but more.

In relation to the OP. He hasn't done anything wrong. Yet he's not being a good husband should he continue entertaing his thoughts and feelings of pursuing infidelity.


It's complex, but I'm sure you can wrap your head around it.
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Old 06-18-2010, 06:50 PM   #21
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yo just fuck her on the side ur wife wont know if u keep it on the DL
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Old 06-18-2010, 09:46 PM   #22
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yo just fuck her on the side ur wife wont know if u keep it on the DL
That's horrible! That reminds me, my friend and I were waiting at a crosswalk on Burrard today when we heard this guy tell his buddy that he was about to take some chick home and bang her but didn't because the girlfriend was at home. He then showed pictures of the girl he was going to bang that night. Has society really turned into a big cheating cesspool?
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Old 06-18-2010, 10:41 PM   #23
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yo just fuck her on the side ur wife wont know if u keep it on the DL
pro: getting laid

con: guilt, possible std's, acquiring a baby mama (this will possibly include child support for the 'love child')
if the wife finds out; fighting, loss of trust/credibility, stress, loss of a great relationship, possible divorce which may lead to lawyer fees, alimony, child support.. etc.

smart guys will be looking at the big picture.

you think with the penis but remember that head don't have a brain
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Old 06-19-2010, 11:17 AM   #24
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Tiger. Woods.

Keep it in your pants and maybe try to rekindle things or excite them with your current spouse.

Robin Williams said it best, if you ask me.
"God gave man both a brain and a penis, but only enough blood for one at a time."
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Old 06-19-2010, 12:47 PM   #25
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Lol this is why I opt out of relationships. Most guys don't have it in them to keep it in their pants, thus, if you're only fucking there's no hurt feelings provided you keep it that way. The second emotions enter into the picture, shit gets fucked.
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