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Relationship & Gender DiscussionTHIS SPACE OPEN FOR ADVERTISEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ADVERTISING HERE! The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...
Dude thats weak. If ya can't be alone and comfortable how the hell can you be with someone and comfortable.
WTF does that mean?
Are you saying that to be comfortable with someone, you have to be comfortable alone first? Because I'm pretty sure people who aren't comfortable alone can still manage to be comfortable when they do find themselves in a good relationship.
Or is this some pseudo-intellectual-ghandi-enlightening-poetic crap your spewing.
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Originally Posted by ApexSeal
@Noir - Haha no that's weaksauce. The sex was great but it's never made any decisions for me. Besides, that's what Revscene NSFW forum's for .
So it's been almost a week now and I think I made the right choice. I've calmed down and I still think it's not worth all the fighting and giving up so much so often for each other. Maybe I won't find anyone who'll make me as happy, but I sure as hell couldn't keep this up.
Suddenly I have a whole lot more time to do my own thing too which is pretty cool.
Rookie mistake. Act all tough now but sooner or later, you'll come to realize that for men, sex is just as much a neccessity as is food & water. Unless you're a stud and have a constant availability of pussy, lets see how long your dry spell lasts and let me know if "sex" still doesn't factor in your social decision making.
And a guy asking for relationship advice in an online forum isn't one to call others weak. The pot wouldn't have needed to call the kettle black if you would've ditched your chick a long time ago w/o the aid of RS anons.
^This is very true, men need sex, but your argument sort of sounds like you're trying to convince him to go back to her, when he may not necessarily want to go back because they are always fighting and he could do without the extra stress.
Sounds to me less like you guys hate each other, but more that you guys are freaking out 'cause of commitment issues of one type or another. The fact that a great number of your fights have come at relationship milestones is a huge flag.
If your girl is the instigator, odds are her "dream man" and "dream marriage" were not you--despite the fact she's insanely happy with you.
If you are instigating, chances are you've got some kind of fear of commitment (either due to yourself or family or whatever) and are unconsciously doing things to fuck shit up.
Long story short, IF you want this to last, you guys have got to figure out some way to deal with these relationship issues. It's entirely possible you won't be able to get over them, not knowing what the source is. Either way you cut it, issuing ultimatums is not helpful at all for relationships. Remove that as a bargaining tool and you will find things go much more smoothly. Posted via RS Mobile
Good stuff right here. You two need to learn to compromise and talk it out. If she does shit to piss you off, make a joke and let it slide. Joking is a great way to calm a situation that could turn awry. My bf and I do it often now, I do it when I get upset with him and he knows and after I've cooled off I'm usually like "alright, I did it again, I was taking it out on you, I was a bitch" and we're cool. And the jokes keeps the relationship alive, spiced up. There's no rule book that says relationshps get boring after a while, flirting is a great way to keep the relationship fun.
I've been in a relationship that was up and down, when it was up it was beyond amazing, but we had some serious downs. We managed to work through it and if you can, it really is worth it. To do that you'll need a few things:
1. Both parties still care and want to make it work
2. Both parties are willing to compromise and change
3. Both can admit their defeats
4. The relationship is not based on sex but a true understanding and friendship
5. You're both not still together because it's "comfortable" but when it's good, you're actually content
If that's the case then you need to:
1. Ask yourself some serious questions, especially if you find yourself emotionally wandering.
2. Pinpoint your problems, lay it all out and work it out like a puzzle. Have an action plan of dealing with the situation ie. address our feelings off the bat. Be willing to compromise and change. Be able to accept them for who they are and what they have to say.
2. When Push comes to Shove. Like Graeme said if she's being the instigator, than let it slide, make a joke about it and let it go, let her have the last word if it's going to save your relationship. When she's in a good mood again go back to #1 and just remind her "you're doing it again"
3. Solidify your friendship. Start from square one. My bf suggested a out of the blue roadtrip. Nothing romantic or fancy, we chilled like 2 buddies and we came home like love birds. When 2 ppl can put all their insecurities down and be like 2 really good friends, it gets rid of all those doubts & questions you've had risen from your fights.
4. Time Apart. The heart does grow fonder, when apart. Soon after our roadtrip, my bf had gone away on vacation to visit family and friends. He kept in touch with me and gave me the security that I needed. I was never scared that he was cheating and he reassured me that I was still on his mind. But the distance apart allowed me to reconnect with family and friends, it made me live life without him and in the 3 weeks that he was gone I grew & became independent. We also got to see how much we missed each other and how important we were to one another (although he might disagree with that one =P)
Good Luck =)
__________________
I.... think I'm a girl...? :eek:
Are you saying that to be comfortable with someone, you have to be comfortable alone first? Because I'm pretty sure people who aren't comfortable alone can still manage to be comfortable when they do find themselves in a good relationship.
Or is this some pseudo-intellectual-ghandi-enlightening-poetic crap your spewing.
Rookie mistake. Act all tough now but sooner or later, you'll come to realize that for men, sex is just as much a neccessity as is food & water. Unless you're a stud and have a constant availability of pussy, lets see how long your dry spell lasts and let me know if "sex" still doesn't factor in your social decision making.
And a guy asking for relationship advice in an online forum isn't one to call others weak. The pot wouldn't have needed to call the kettle black if you would've ditched your chick a long time ago w/o the aid of RS anons.
No its more meant to address someones needs of attachment and dependency on others. A dry spell isn't a bad thing being single isn't a bad thing and to suggest someone stay in a damaging relationship just because being gfless sucks or not having a steady supply of sex is bad then that is weak.
Why would one have to stay in a toxic damaging relationship just for a piece of tail. How does that reflect any good on ones self worth? Not very well in my books. If you get out now and salvage what self worth you still have, that this girl is obviously attempting to ruin, then you have the upper hand and all the power. Its possible a friendship could be attained out of this, one of mutual respect and compassion, and hell it might even lead to a steady supply of attachment free booty calls.
A safer more dignified approach to ones future in my books.
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easy solution but i have a question for you, do you always go back to her or vice versa?
no one has the time to fight and break up 4-5 times in 1.5 yrs. serioulsy, you're 24, MAN up and tell her, DON'T waste my time. Let her know that she needs to grow up when you want to break up with her (assuming you're in the right and she's in the wrong).
Dump her aside and WAIT for her to contact you. That'll teach her a lesson and you'll have the ball in your court.
you're 24, it's PRIME time, go date around and don't deal with BS.
once a girl past 28, they start to expire and you start to shine like gold. Dont' surrender to pressure and just have some fun man.
The best is yet to come man, dont' waste time on fighting dude.
Especially when she'll sometimes react in a really extreme (immature) way and do something that puts herself in real danger, and I end up having to throw aside being pissed at her and do everything I can to make sure she's safe. Meanwhile she'll dig up anything she possibly can to get a rise out of me (direct quote from her: "I didn't feel that you suffered enough.. you didn't seem angry enough."), and I have to keep myself in check as I'm continuing to try to calm her down enough for her to quit endangering herself.
Dude. What. The. Fuck.
THIS IS A GIANT HUGE WAVING FLAG THE SIZE OF THE FLAG AT FLAG CHEVROLET IN SURREY/GUILFORD.
Any person who is willing to hurt themselves to get you to admit that you are wrong is never EVER EVER ever going to be able to be convinced that they are wrong. If you try and convince her that she is wrong, then you are going to find her attacking you and doing more of the same craziness. Only she will be able to understand (one day in the end) that she was being psycho.
What you are talking about happened to me in a somewhat similar way; my psycho ex would go crazy and get insanely pissed, would fight with me for HOURS on end (a "short" fight was only half an hour--a long one would be 6 or more hours). Eventually, I just decided it wasn't worth it. That time finally came when after a 5-hour fight, she was ready to sleep and I was still wired with adrenaline from the fight, she confessed to me that she looked forward to the fights.
Quoth her, "I look forward to our fights. Until they happen, I always worry what we're going to fight about today; is it going to be food, or what you say, or smoething you do? But after they happen, we can always just relax and have a good time."
Seriously, dude. When she is willing to do harm to herself for you to admit that you're wrong....not cool. If you decide to seriously break up with her, you just wait, she'll say "But I was starting to understand that you were right...." or "You were really starting to make sense!" or something similar to hook you back in.
Cut your ties.
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@Fafine - As a result of the example you gave about your buddy and how he and his gf used to scream at each other all the time and yet managed to save it, and going by Graeme's advice, I called my gf to see if in the future, she'd like to work together with me on things we couldn't stand the other doing, to see if we could find alternatives that would better satisfy us both. You know, instead of issuing ultimatums. I explained all this calmly and clearly. What she had to say next was pretty unpleasant, and had not much to do with anything I'd just said. I'm guessing she's still too pissed off to try and work with me on this, but that's fine by me. I've had enough of all this and it's probably time to let this one go.
See my advice above.
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So apparently no one here's been through a relationship like this and managed to salvage it. I guess these just never work out?
Pretty much.
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Originally Posted by Noir
WTF does that mean?
Are you saying that to be comfortable with someone, you have to be comfortable alone first? Because I'm pretty sure people who aren't comfortable alone can still manage to be comfortable when they do find themselves in a good relationship.
This is true, but the foundations of those relationships are not always the best. I've always found that my best relationships come when she and I both have clearly defined personalities and self-identities. If one or hte other is needy, one is always taking, and the other is always serving that other person's needs. I had a girl who I dated for awhile who seemed extremely strong and willful--but in truth, that was just her facade for others. When we got into the relationship, she was extremely needy and posessive--exactly the opposite of the qualities I wanted in a relationship.
Until you're a stable strong person, you may be selling your partner a false bill of goods.
Quote:
Rookie mistake. Act all tough now but sooner or later, you'll come to realize that for men, sex is just as much a neccessity as is food & water. Unless you're a stud and have a constant availability of pussy, lets see how long your dry spell lasts and let me know if "sex" still doesn't factor in your social decision making.
Really? Sex is what drives you? You would stay miserable to get pussy? I've been without sex since the beginning of January. The internets are full of porn and costco has good deals on lotion. Even if pussy isn't "constantly available" and you're not a "stud", there are plenty of options--fleshlight, perb, etc etc.
Never keep a kitten on a half-height pillar. Never let said kitten run your life.
@Jimzilla - Nah, this one's special. I honestly think it'll be pretty hard if not impossible to find another who'd get me like she does, who makes me as happy. I'm reasonably certain though that there are plenty of girls out there who wouldn't be so difficult.
@Phil - We fight over tons of things. Usually it's something she doesn't like about me or that I do, or that I don't like about her, or what she does. And it escalates, badly. Especially when she'll sometimes react in a really extreme (immature) way and do something that puts herself in real danger, and I end up having to throw aside being pissed at her and do everything I can to make sure she's safe. Meanwhile she'll dig up anything she possibly can to get a rise out of me (direct quote from her: "I didn't feel that you suffered enough.. you didn't seem angry enough."), and I have to keep myself in check as I'm continuing to try to calm her down enough for her to quit endangering herself.
@Fafine - As a result of the example you gave about your buddy and how he and his gf used to scream at each other all the time and yet managed to save it, and going by Graeme's advice, I called my gf to see if in the future, she'd like to work together with me on things we couldn't stand the other doing, to see if we could find alternatives that would better satisfy us both. You know, instead of issuing ultimatums. I explained all this calmly and clearly. What she had to say next was pretty unpleasant, and had not much to do with anything I'd just said. I'm guessing she's still too pissed off to try and work with me on this, but that's fine by me. I've had enough of all this and it's probably time to let this one go.
See bolded 1, then 2 and 3. This chick doesn't get you at all, she's just a whore for drama and sounds about as mature as the socks I'm wearing.
You could see yourself married to her? Please don't, because then there's more risk of you two having a kid or two, and they'd end up rather fucked up being raised by this bitch.
__________________ 1991 Toyota Celica GTFour RC // 2007 Toyota Rav4 V6 // 2000 Jeep Grand Cherokee
1992 Toyota Celica GT-S ["sold"] \\ 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee CRD [sold] \\ 2000 Jeep Cherokee [sold] \\ 1997 Honda Prelude [sold] \\ 1992 Jeep YJ [sold/crashed] \\ 1987 Mazda RX-7 [sold] \\ 1987 Toyota Celica GT-S [crushed]
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Originally Posted by maksimizer
half those dudes are hotter than ,my GF.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RevYouUp
reading this thread is like waiting for goku to charge up a spirit bomb in dragon ball z
Quote:
Originally Posted by Good_KarMa
OH thank god. I thought u had sex with my wife. :cry:
My opinion, don't dump the broad but start opening up your options.
Quote:
Originally Posted by guddagudd
^This is very true, men need sex, but your argument sort of sounds like you're trying to convince him to go back to her, when he may not necessarily want to go back because they are always fighting and he could do without the extra stress.
On the surface, yes; in the contrary no. My way is actually the more doucheir way. Think of it in this analogy: I'm telling him not to quit his job until he finds another.
It's neither ideal nor moral, but it's pragmatic. And unfortunately, when you're dealing with girls who thinks "she hasn't hurt you enough" to teach you her lesson, it's neither the time to be moral or ideal; it's time to be pragmatic.
The relationship between men & women can be a dog-eat-dog world sometimes. Gotta know how to turn it on and be a shark lest you usually fall onto victim party.
Gotta know how (and when) to be douche.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Graeme S
This is true, but the foundations of those relationships are not always the best. I've always found that my best relationships come when she and I both have clearly defined personalities and self-identities. If one or hte other is needy, one is always taking, and the other is always serving that other person's needs. I had a girl who I dated for awhile who seemed extremely strong and willful--but in truth, that was just her facade for others. When we got into the relationship, she was extremely needy and posessive--exactly the opposite of the qualities I wanted in a relationship.
Until you're a stable strong person, you may be selling your partner a false bill of goods.
I don't really know how to respond to this because I'm not really far too concerned with the relationship side of things. At this point with the girl acting the way she is, all I see is just another "commodity." If you guys want to look at it deeper than that, then all the power to you.
Anyhow, losing a "commodity" for nothing is always bad business in my books. What I'm saying is, as per my post above: In my playbook, it's time to look at "trading up." At this point, he doesn't have to be a good boyfriend and the relationship ceases to cost a lot of personal investment.
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Originally Posted by Graeme S
Really? Sex is what drives you? You would stay miserable to get pussy? I've been without sex since the beginning of January. The internets are full of porn and costco has good deals on lotion. Even if pussy isn't "constantly available" and you're not a "stud", there are plenty of options--fleshlight, perb, etc etc.
Hey, all the power too you if you can go sexless for 8 months. I'm 28 now but believe it or not, I haven't been without vagina since I was 21, whether they're from gf's or casual partners.
having in been in both sides of the argument, I'd rather play the game and keep that resource of vagina steady. But that's just a personal preference I've come to terms with.
And BTW, until you're married, real sex is always > porn. It's only when you get married that for some reason porn is better.
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Originally Posted by Phil@rise
No its more meant to address someones needs of attachment and dependency on others. A dry spell isn't a bad thing being single isn't a bad thing and to suggest someone stay in a damaging relationship just because being gfless sucks or not having a steady supply of sex is bad then that is weak.
Why would one have to stay in a toxic damaging relationship just for a piece of tail. How does that reflect any good on ones self worth? Not very well in my books. If you get out now and salvage what self worth you still have, that this girl is obviously attempting to ruin, then you have the upper hand and all the power. Its possible a friendship could be attained out of this, one of mutual respect and compassion, and hell it might even lead to a steady supply of attachment free booty calls.
A safer more dignified approach to ones future in my books.
Being single isn't a bad thing but dry spells are. I only see retaining pussy out of commodity as morally weak. But there's nothing weak about a guy getting pussy.
What's weak is a guy who has nothing to show for but his so-called pride . Just take a look at Bradford Chow . He may not take shit from anyone and he may have his pride but everyone knows the guy has absolutely zero social credibility among everyone but himself. Let's see how for that gets him.
Anyways, let's see how this goes. The OP seems like a BIG man right now. We'll see if it's a lasting feeling or he'll end up getting back together again; because so far everyone knows that seems to be the trend atm.
@Noir - It's not that I needed Revscene to help me decide what to do - there's been some good advice here but ultimately I made that choice on my own. I originally put up this thread mainly to ask if people had gone through the same thing and whether it worked out in the end, and the rest was a rant. My original post did say to skip over it !
@Girl - That was a great post, thank you. Something did stick out to me though: "I've been in a relationship that was up and down, when it was up it was beyond amazing, but we had some serious downs.." doesn't that mean it was a relationship that didn't work out?
@6793026 - Actually most of the time one or the other calls and we get a discussion of "Could this work out? What could you and I do to fix this for next time?", which is great. Except next fight, nobody seems to remember or care anymore.
@Graeme, underscore - To be fair, she's only been a real bitch like that for the bigger fights.
Lol that comment about having kids - it's funny but while I could see myself being married to someone like that (excluding the fighting) because fights aside she makes me happier than I can remember ever being, I can't see her raising my kids properly. She's too immature and her goals and ambitions are too emotionally driven (ie non-existent until I came along, because she's been terrified of disappointment her whole life). I'm actually afraid the kids would grow up like her.
As great as we are together, we've probably got too many differences to ever stop fighting. Fights waste too much of my time and the bigger ones affect my mood for days which takes the enjoyment out of life. So yeah it's probably best to let this one go. She called me last night too, just to talk, and I kinda cut her off half way and said "I really don't think this is a good idea," and I felt good about it after too.
*next part unimportant, read only if you're bored and wanting a story*
Spoiler!
So what I did feel bad about last night, telling her we shouldn't be talking, was that she was asking for help with one of the last steps for her application for grad school, which made me really proud. I'd pushed and pulled her, kicking and screaming and telling me I'm a douche and controlling her life, to do her background research on different grad programs and seeing if something could possibly suit her. Up til then, she'd been adamant that it'd all be a waste of time and money, and that it'd be incredibly boring and pointless. I never pushed her to actually go to grad school, but I was pretty insistent that she research it thoroughly and be certain once and for all that all these things she came up with on her own were actually true.
So turns out there ARE programs out east that match what she wants to do for her career, stuff she's passionate about. Turns out it's not a waste of money, because for these programs, the funding more than pays for tuition, and the rest pays more than her crappy job she's working at while trying to find work in this field. And finally, after I pushed her to talk to someone who works in the field, she found out there really isn't much chance of breaking into it without some higher education IN that field (she insisted for a whole year that they're more interested in experience, despite the fact that she had none, which makes no sense). So, turns out it's not a waste of time either. Having found all this out, she finally went and applied, all on her own.
If her intent in calling was to try to be friends, I wouldn't mind giving that a try after a good six months or so. But for now, I think it's just a terrible idea.
Anyways, let's see how this goes. The OP seems like a BIG man right now. We'll see if it's a lasting feeling or he'll end up getting back together again; because so far everyone knows that seems to be the trend atm.
In my opinion OP, you're stubborn and like to have the last say in the argument. But when it comes down to the relationship, you're whipped. That's just my honest opinion.
Who can be with someone that does this shit 24/7? Argue argue and argue. Don't get me wrong, a relationship with absolutely no fights is also a red flag too, but five break ups in a year and a half is a lot. Most long term relationships I believe start from the get-go. You say she makes you incredibly happy, that's great but incredibly happy couples don't go asking for advice especially about salvaged ones. You know yourself there's something wrong, yet your covering it up. Drop the ego and take a look at your relationship.
But like Noir said, keep the relationship going for now while still keeping your options open. So you're looking for a new girl while the sex is still coming. Win win right? Like Austin Powers, YEAH BABY YEAH!
0.02
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@Girl - That was a great post, thank you. Something did stick out to me though: "I've been in a relationship that was up and down, when it was up it was beyond amazing, but we had some serious downs.." doesn't that mean it was a relationship that didn't work out?
LOL nope, still going strong. I used past tense to be vague to people that know me and my bf IRL.
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I.... think I'm a girl...? :eek:
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.
. Just take a look at Bradford Chow . He may not take shit from anyone and he may have his pride but everyone knows the guy has absolutely zero social credibility among everyone but himself. Let's see how for that gets him.
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