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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 08-01-2010, 02:07 PM   #1
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A relationship with too many ups and downs - have you salvaged one?

story is unimportant: if you don't feel like reading through, just skip to the very end

To start with: I'm 24; the gf is 24 as well.

So I'm going through probably the 4th or 5th breakup (I stopped counting) in the span of the year and a half we've been together.

In total honesty, we make each other incredibly happy, to the point where I could actually see myself being married to someone like this, and never want for anyone else. Pretty much every progressing day with her is the new best day of my life. That is, if we haven't been fighting again.

This week we got into a fight over something that ended with her saying "if you won't change the way you do this for the rest of your life, then I can't be with you." And I said "okay."

I was sick of all the fighting and giving in and having plans ruined because of the fighting. One of our breakups went right through Christmas and New Years so we gave that up. One of our fights went through my birthday so we missed that. Pretty sure our 1 year celebration had sucked because we were pissed. And this weekend we had a camping trip planned for our "1.5 year anniversary" (because we optimistically thought maybe finally we could enjoy a celebration that wouldn't be ruined).

I was done with it. Didn't want to fight anymore and it didn't seem to be working out. But I've been thinking a lot over the past couple days and I could actually probably stand to give in to what she wanted from me. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I could live with it. But I think the issue of us always fighting and missing out on so many of our plans, even important milestones of our relationship, is a far more serious one.

So all that aside, here's my question.

Have any of you been through a relationship with crazy ups and downs and actually managed to salvage it, permanently?

For anyone who couldn't salvage it, are you happier now with someone who doesn't make you as happy, but doesn't make you miserable either?

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Old 08-01-2010, 02:18 PM   #2
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I honestly believe if you went through 4-5 breakup within a relationship that has only last 1.5 years, then its a sign.

miserable after a breakup? I think mostly everyone is miserable after a breakup.
But would you want to be happier now dealing with your current situation or be happier later on in life?
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Old 08-01-2010, 03:15 PM   #3
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my buddy n his gf was fighting constantly in the beginning, like full on screaming even at our gatherings, so at bbqs LOL they'd be yelling at each other. its been 2 years now and they prob fight like once every couple months. as for if they're gonna last? who knows.
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:48 PM   #4
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If there is so many issue in a relationship then I have to say is going to stay. It might be because of u and ur gf personality don't match? Unless one of you changes then is going to contiune.

Maybe is a good idea to re-think about the relationship. The reason why you guys are still together and why there is all these mini break-ups.

To be if you guys are constantly breaking up it could be a sign you guys aren't a match and is better off to break up now.
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Old 08-01-2010, 06:45 PM   #5
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When you let go of this relationship and acquire a new one, where there aren't these frequent problems, you'll be surprised at yourself as to why you even bothered to stay in your first relationship here.
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Old 08-01-2010, 06:46 PM   #6
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I think you have One-itis.
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Old 08-01-2010, 08:17 PM   #7
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A lot of times, the reason relationships can go on, when there are constant ups and downs, comes down to effort and energy. You both exert a lot of energy when you argue and get upset and when you're really happy and on a high. It's either great or horrible, no happy medium. Trust me, after awhile it gets tiring and old.

Question is: Can you be in a relationship like that for a long time?
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Old 08-02-2010, 01:03 PM   #8
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Sounds to me less like you guys hate each other, but more that you guys are freaking out 'cause of commitment issues of one type or another. The fact that a great number of your fights have come at relationship milestones is a huge flag.

If your girl is the instigator, odds are her "dream man" and "dream marriage" were not you--despite the fact she's insanely happy with you.

If you are instigating, chances are you've got some kind of fear of commitment (either due to yourself or family or whatever) and are unconsciously doing things to fuck shit up.

Long story short, IF you want this to last, you guys have got to figure out some way to deal with these relationship issues. It's entirely possible you won't be able to get over them, not knowing what the source is. Either way you cut it, issuing ultimatums is not helpful at all for relationships. Remove that as a bargaining tool and you will find things go much more smoothly.
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:20 PM   #9
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if you think that you guys are both incredibly happy together when youre not fighting, maybe try compromising for the better solution. Like, listen to each other and work out the differences, instead of completely bitching the other person out.
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Old 08-02-2010, 04:29 PM   #10
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Sometimes we tend to be in despair when the person we love leaves us, but the truth is, it's not our loss, but theirs, for they left the only person who couldn't give up on them.


Make the effort and take the risk..

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Old 08-02-2010, 05:18 PM   #11
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Sounds to me less like you guys hate each other, but more that you guys are freaking out 'cause of commitment issues of one type or another. The fact that a great number of your fights have come at relationship milestones is a huge flag.

If your girl is the instigator, odds are her "dream man" and "dream marriage" were not you--despite the fact she's insanely happy with you.

If you are instigating, chances are you've got some kind of fear of commitment (either due to yourself or family or whatever) and are unconsciously doing things to fuck shit up.

Long story short, IF you want this to last, you guys have got to figure out some way to deal with these relationship issues. It's entirely possible you won't be able to get over them, not knowing what the source is. Either way you cut it, issuing ultimatums is not helpful at all for relationships. Remove that as a bargaining tool and you will find things go much more smoothly.
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Couldn't have worded it any better.
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Old 08-02-2010, 10:48 PM   #12
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I was in a relationship like that. Not worth it.

Sometimes 2 ppl just can't be in a healthy relationship. It becomes toxic to both parties.
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Old 08-03-2010, 07:34 PM   #13
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What kind of shit are you guys fighting over all time? Sounds to me like both of you guys are more concerned with the fight and winning it then what caused it in the first place.
Heres a simple analogy for a gearhead point of view. If you drive down a road with nails everywhere and get a flat do you get pissed off with your car, fix the flat, and drive down the same road repeating this over and over again till you decide to sell your car cus that must be the problem.
No because a rational gearhead thinks about it says he's sorry and never drives down that road again.
Flats averted breakup averted and next fight is over a tuneup.
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Old 08-04-2010, 04:55 AM   #14
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Thanks for all the replies, the advice is really appreciated.

@Hi-Revs - We've been coming to compromises for a long time now as solutions to problems, but one or both of us always come away feeling like we have to give up a lot more than the other, and this resentment usually has a way of coming up again in the next argument.

@Jimzilla - Nah, this one's special. I honestly think it'll be pretty hard if not impossible to find another who'd get me like she does, who makes me as happy. I'm reasonably certain though that there are plenty of girls out there who wouldn't be so difficult.

@Phil - We fight over tons of things. Usually it's something she doesn't like about me or that I do, or that I don't like about her, or what she does. And it escalates, badly. Especially when she'll sometimes react in a really extreme (immature) way and do something that puts herself in real danger, and I end up having to throw aside being pissed at her and do everything I can to make sure she's safe. Meanwhile she'll dig up anything she possibly can to get a rise out of me (direct quote from her: "I didn't feel that you suffered enough.. you didn't seem angry enough."), and I have to keep myself in check as I'm continuing to try to calm her down enough for her to quit endangering herself.

@fliptuner - Yeah that's the thing.. I don't think I could do this long term at all. And when you say "Trust me, after awhile it gets tiring and old.", it's totally already happened haha.

@Fafine - As a result of the example you gave about your buddy and how he and his gf used to scream at each other all the time and yet managed to save it, and going by Graeme's advice, I called my gf to see if in the future, she'd like to work together with me on things we couldn't stand the other doing, to see if we could find alternatives that would better satisfy us both. You know, instead of issuing ultimatums. I explained all this calmly and clearly. What she had to say next was pretty unpleasant, and had not much to do with anything I'd just said. I'm guessing she's still too pissed off to try and work with me on this, but that's fine by me. I've had enough of all this and it's probably time to let this one go.

So apparently no one here's been through a relationship like this and managed to salvage it. I guess these just never work out?
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Old 08-04-2010, 08:40 AM   #15
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yeah i've been through it, we kept trying to keep something that wasn't there and it ended terribly. she became sour and even stalked me a bit. mine went on and off for a good 4 years...
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Old 08-04-2010, 08:48 AM   #16
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I think you're deluding yourself if you think she makes you happy. I think you must be confused between the happiness of your wang, and heart. Zip up those pants for a moment, and consider that 5 breakups in a year is not the sign of a healthy relationship. You girlfriend sounds like a child, too. Ditch her.
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:11 AM   #17
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are you fighting over the same things?
are you willing to work at it?

i used to fight alot with my gf in the begining but not so much now(dating over 3yrs). i found that the things we fought over was because i didnt listen and didnt tell her what bugged me you both have to work at things so you can make life easier and enjoyable with one another if one person in the relationship isnt willing then it aint gunna happen (patience is key) also you cant just work at for a bit then go back to how you were previously that will only start a fight for same reasons as last time

hope i helped and explained well enough =]
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Old 08-04-2010, 10:08 AM   #18
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So apparently no one here's been through a relationship like this and managed to salvage it. I guess these just never work out?
I've been there before and it can work out. It just depends on your tolerance level and how much abuse you're willing to put up with.

I had the same relationship and managed to salvage it for a 1 1/2 years; and then I traded up. I imagine that if I were the type to not have options, I probably would've stayed and put up with the abuses. So it can work but I'd have to accept being her bitch (which some men do).

Bear in mind, that unless she's pretty high up on the hotness scale, it's very easy to trade-up on relationships of that nature.
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Old 08-04-2010, 10:38 AM   #19
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The fuck?

"You werent mad enough..you didnt suffer enough"?

This girl sounds like a child, why would you want to be with someone like that?
It sounds like all she cares about is winning the fight and not helping the issue, meanwhile YOU are trying to calm her down while also trying to resolve the situation.
From my experience, nothing gets resolved when both parties are heated.


You definitely need to let this one go.
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Old 08-04-2010, 10:57 AM   #20
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I been through what your explaining dude and for ten years I made excuses and reasons to stay with her a kid was one of them. So before you go so far to have kids with her, move on.
I felt great after and we're friends now. Only because of the kid otherwise she woulda been outta my life for good.
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Old 08-04-2010, 07:16 PM   #21
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Yea, I think you should leave her, and think about all the stress you can leave behind. Like if your girlfriend said you're not suffering enough, that's a sign that she is a bit over-the-top and you shouldn't continue on with this relationship as her actions and words may get harsher in the future.
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Old 08-04-2010, 09:09 PM   #22
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This girl sounds like a child, why would you want to be with someone like that?
Because of the availability of sex.

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Yea, I think you should leave her, and think about all the stress you can leave behind.
Not until he already has another girl for replacement. Why do you think many couples break-up then make-up only to break-up again?

That's because all guys can act strong to their girl until the next time they need pussy. If he doesn't have anyone else, guess who's left he can get it from? Then they're back at square one and they're together again for the next fight.

My opinion, don't dump the broad but start opening up your options.
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Old 08-05-2010, 10:55 AM   #23
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Because of the availability of sex.



Not until he already has another girl for replacement. Why do you think many couples break-up then make-up only to break-up again?

That's because all guys can act strong to their girl until the next time they need pussy. If he doesn't have anyone else, guess who's left he can get it from? Then they're back at square one and they're together again for the next fight.

My opinion, don't dump the broad but start opening up your options.
Dude thats weak. If ya can't be alone and comfortable how the hell can you be with someone and comfortable.
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Old 08-05-2010, 01:05 PM   #24
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you don't always end up with the person that will make you the happiest. in many cases, it's not easy to suddenly change and harmonize with each other.
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Old 08-05-2010, 01:13 PM   #25
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@Noir - Haha no that's weaksauce. The sex was great but it's never made any decisions for me. Besides, that's what Revscene NSFW forum's for .

So it's been almost a week now and I think I made the right choice. I've calmed down and I still think it's not worth all the fighting and giving up so much so often for each other. Maybe I won't find anyone who'll make me as happy, but I sure as hell couldn't keep this up.

Suddenly I have a whole lot more time to do my own thing too which is pretty cool.
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