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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 08-12-2010, 09:41 AM   #1
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Marrying someone you do not love?

Me and my friend recently had a discussion about marriage and relationship.
Her bf is proposing they get married, and they have been together for many years.

The bf is the typical "nice guy" type, with a good job and good income. Treats her well and never fools around with other girls.
Pretty sure he will make a great husband and father.

However, my friend told me (to my surprise), she never really "loved" him. They are happy together but she never really felt the spark or that strong emotion toward him.

She actually thought about breaking up with him because of that...but everything was just going so well (no arguments, mutual friends who hang out together)...the idea just kinda slipped past her all these years.

But now that the topic of marriage comes up, she doesn't know what to do.
On one hand, the thought of marrying someone you do not love just sounds....pathetic?
but on the other hand, he is a great guy, and eventually she will have to get married anyway.
All that love and sparks and emotions feel great while you are at it, but we all know these feelings will eventually subside after the years anyway

What would you do if you are in her situation?
Follow her heart and break up with him, or follow her head and marry him?

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Old 08-12-2010, 09:49 AM   #2
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If she thinks that she'd be able to keep lying to him for the duration of their marriage, do it I guess..

But in all honesty its not fair to this dude. If I were him I'd wanna know that she didnt feel for me that way before I commit myself to her like that
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Old 08-12-2010, 09:55 AM   #3
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what happens if while married, she then meets somebody who she feels that spark/chemistry with?!

"eventually she will have to get married anyways" ???? just because it's the 'norm' in our society, doesn't mean it's right for everybody and everybody has to do it.

it's not fair to the guy. unless he's also settling for her, then that's fair for both. though i'd rather be single than settle.
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Old 08-12-2010, 10:21 AM   #4
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Old 08-12-2010, 10:46 AM   #5
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to marry or not to marry
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Old 08-12-2010, 11:05 AM   #6
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Tell her to ask herself, does she want to be living a lie for the rest of her life?
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Old 08-12-2010, 11:27 AM   #7
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no point marrying if you can still get a divorce. waste of money.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:02 PM   #8
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recipe for disaster. that's just asking for infidelity. tell her to grow some balls, break it off now and marry someone she loves.
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Old 08-12-2010, 01:11 PM   #9
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In most of the world and through most of history, marriage has had nothing to do with love. And the notion of marrying for love is considered by most historians and sociologists to be the reason we have the rates of divorce we to today. That which the heart chooses with out consulting the head, it can just as easily unchoose the same way.

That said if she's not sure, and contemplating breaking up with him, she shouldn't marry him. Clearly the relationship isn't satisfying her needs. Is he aware of her feelings (or lack there of)?
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Old 08-12-2010, 02:30 PM   #10
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depends whats more important to her. I know for some women, a comfortable life and good husband is more important than finding someone they're truly in love with.
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:28 PM   #11
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its not fair for the guy.
she shouldn't have to settle.
she should break up with him, it's the right thing to do IMO
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Old 08-12-2010, 04:38 PM   #12
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Don't fucking do it.

100% do not do it.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:24 PM   #13
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IMO, she's not being fair to the guy, and he deserves someone better.
I'm sure one day she'll realize the value of someone who treats her well, doesn't fool around, has a good job and good income.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:34 PM   #14
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its not that bad. brown people do it all the time. and theres over 1 billion of us
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:42 PM   #15
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why is she fucking around with his heart.

If he's spending time into this "relationship" and she feels no love she should of called it quits a long time ago. Now that it's been "years" and she's still unsure? Come on spare the guy a heart break.
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Old 08-12-2010, 05:52 PM   #16
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I have a friend who was in a similar situation. Here's how it went:
She cheated.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:10 PM   #17
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She clearly has two choices, settle with the current boyfriend OR finding the perfect guy she loves and A) he loves her back; and B) she isn't too old by then.

So what happens when she finds the person "she has the sparks with", only to realize he's a person that won't get anywhere in life? especially in our materialistic society, could she be happy living her not-so-comfortable life knowing she could've done better?

unfortunately life isnt a disney story.
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Old 08-12-2010, 06:40 PM   #18
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Personally, I think a loveless marriage would eventually become boring and meaningless. Not only that, but how would you be able to depend on one another during stressful situations?

I disagree with loveless marriage.
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Old 08-13-2010, 02:52 AM   #19
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She honestly knows what to do, all girls do. No girl is ever unsure, ever. She just has low interest in the guy and is waiting for an improvement to dial her number. Sounds harsh huh? Love... Battle of the sexes I guess. If you're not interested, the obvious thing to do is not waste each others time, make sense right? Seems like this girl is a professional dater simply keeping buddy on a leash for her own entertainment.

If they do get married, be a good friend and make sure buddy gets a prenup.
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Old 08-13-2010, 10:05 AM   #20
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She clearly has two choices, settle with the current boyfriend OR finding the perfect guy she loves and A) he loves her back; and B) she isn't too old by then.

So what happens when she finds the person "she has the sparks with", only to realize he's a person that won't get anywhere in life? especially in our materialistic society, could she be happy living her not-so-comfortable life knowing she could've done better?

unfortunately life isnt a disney story.
If there was an applause button I would press it.
Too bad the rest of Vancouver doesnt share your view
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:40 AM   #21
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this is something I've learnt.
"you might not marry the one you love, but you must love the one you are married to"

This reminds me of the movie Closer, at the last scene, Julia roberts is sleep in the bed with her bf/ husband but clearly not happy because she ultimately doesn't love the person.

My best friend dated the guy for 3 years and at the end, she just DID NOT have the love for him and never found him attractive. She dumped the guy.

I feel bad for the girl, she will be one of the very sad girl out there who thinks her life is set yet is lonely to heck. At the end of the day, the guy thinks he has a perfect life and BAM, one day the girl will dump him because she realized she never really loved him.
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Old 08-13-2010, 11:47 AM   #22
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ya..she should not do it...
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:13 PM   #23
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Loveless marriages are easy to fix: drugs, alcohol, etc
But a sexless marriage....def a no-no!!!
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Old 08-13-2010, 12:14 PM   #24
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Ha! She's basically a hooker!!!! She's in it for the material things!!! Hahahahaha
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Old 08-13-2010, 01:19 PM   #25
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But how many married couples actually stayed in love after the years?
Most couples loved each other when they first got married, but like most of the relationships, it eventually becomes boring and uninteresting, and the marriage simply becomes a thing of responsibility instead of love.

I also understand why she would be reluctant to break it off with him and go find her "true love"...
She is in her 30s and this isn't puppy love. No matter how "glorious" it is, love won't bring meals to your table or give you shelter.
Your true love is probably not a good husband or wife, and your true love might not love you back like someone just said.
Remember the joke about a women going to a husband shop but eventually ended up with nothing because she wanted everything?

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unfortunately life isnt a disney story.
i'd hate to say it, but this is just so true...maybe not when you are young, but eventually people will realize things do NOT always work out.

Last edited by Ferra; 08-13-2010 at 01:27 PM.
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