[Confidential] Afraid of Losing Her
 

The following post is from an anonymous poster. If he/she would like to reply please contact me.


The question I have is kind of like the insecurity question that _Hotsauce_ posted a while ago. But it's a bit different and was wondering if you guys could help me figure some stuff out, it'd be really awesome if you could.

Here goes:

I've been with my girlfriend for a good 2 years and a bit now. Everything is really great, we rarely fight(the whole yelling thing resulting in no talking for a few days (i don't even think we have before)) but we do have our disagreements/arguments from time to time. We're both in University and this has been our first serious relationship outside of high school. I got to UBC and she goes to SFU, we're kind of miles apart but we make do. We see each other maybe 2-3times a week which isn't really the problem. Even though we see each other a lot (for me thats a lot considering we're both doing a full course load), nothings wrong with our relationship, we're truly in love, why do I feel like I might lose her?

It's just been a thought in my head, she's kind of active at some clubs up there and they have events and such. Why do I feel like she's eventually going to meet someone better than me and then just leave me for him? I've brought this up with her before(we're really open) but the answer she gives me is kind of iffy. She tells me "what ever happens happens, if someone comes, then w.e". I feel like when she tells me this, if someone she thinks is "better" for her than me, she'll just leave me without even considering our relationship. Doesn't she ultimately have the choice? Like if someone was hitting on her or something trying to get with her, couldn't she just say she wasn't interested, no matter how much better she thinks she will be or something with him. I don't really know if I'm thinking straight though. Same thing goes with the whole "cheating" thing. I know for sure, if I was in the situation, I wouldn't even hint to a girl that I was remotely interested in her seeing as I already have a gf, I don't care if you think you're "better" than her, she's my gf and nothing will get in the way of us. Again, I'm not really sure if this even makes sense :S.

I'm also kind of skeptic of the fact that she goes to so many parties now compared to before. We weren't really the type to go party it up, we would go to parties but we wouldn't be all crazy. Now she's like that, she'll just drink and drink and then go crazy. I mean I trust her to make the right decisions, it's just I don't trust Mr. Smirnoff or any of his pals, same with the guys at the parties. We're both virgins btw. She said if something we're to happen if she was intoxicated, it'd be just that, it wouldn't mean anything. It seems like if she has sex (which i doubt she would, but there is still a high chance if she's wasted), she'll just shrug it off and be like "i didn't know what i was doing, i don't even remember". Which is total BS to me, she even went as far as saying that if I were to do that drunk, she'd be ok with it. Again i think it's total BS. We haven't been in the situation so we both don't really know.

Maybe I'm thinking like this cause I'm too clingy? Back in highschool when we were just starting to see each other it was just us 2 all the time. If we'd go out, we'd be with each other no matter what. Maybe cause I think our relationship is one of those I'm a 5 she's an 11 kind of thing. I'm honestly just average and if you ever see me walking with my girl you'd probably be like "woah how'd he end up with her?". I do my best to keep her happy all the time and we always have a good time with each other, and our "spark" is still there. But again, why do I feel like there's still a good chance that someone will win her over and she'll just dump me? I honestly think she's the one as well (plays video games, amazing good looks, interested in my hobbies, smart, funny, the whole package!), but as long as she's going to these parties/clubbing and all that stuff, I still feel it .

Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

lost her before you had her

I remember my first real relationship, being too open will eventually kill it. What shes doing right now is moving on with her life and experiencing the joy of university. You need to stop revolving your life around hers and do the things you want to as well. Good luck

I'm going to assume you both are still fairly young (19/20?) and all you guys had up to this point has been just you and her. Being in a relationship when you're in highschool seems like rainbows and shooting stars, but once you're thrown into a new scene (Uni/College) things are bound to change. You meet more people, you see new things that as a 'kid' you wouldn't have experienced. Right now, she's trying to be grow out of her shell as a girl and into a woman. And she's choosing partying as her way of fitting that womanly role. It's normal though, everyone goes through the partying phase to "find" themselves somehow.

I hate to say it, but from what youve mentioned...she just seems to be losing interest in you and if anything..somewhat disrespectful to you to say all that bs about sleeping with someone if she's drunk and shit. However, is saying all this to you..come to the point where she wants to break up with you? No. She's comfortable, she's content with her relationship thus far and will continue to be with you. It's nothing that you did to make her change or whatever... but just naturally..she's growing up and curious about the other things around her. Whether it be who she be friends with, drinks herself to an oblivion to feel that PAIN the day after etc...she's just simply growing out of her younger years.

As for how youre feeling, I think you just need to let go of the fact that youre no longer in highschool and the relationship isn't going to be as simple. Yes, it's scary to think you might lose her but at the same time...you can't let fear keep you from living your life. Cherish the relationship you have right now and just let it run its course. If it ends, it ends. If it lasts, it lasts. But don't let this relationhip MAKE YOU.

At the end of the day, you are stronger than you think! YOU WILL BE OKAY!

very well written. took the words right out of my mouth

Like miss crayon is saying, just go with the flow. You too should be experiencing university as it is a once a lifetime thing. It wouldnt hurt to meet a couple girls too...keep that bench lined up.

If you really want to save the relationship, all you can really do is just give her space and let her be who she wants to be. The more you constrict her, the more she'll push away.

THIS.

You're kind of in a similar situation my ex was in. I was his 2nd girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend and serious relationship. We went out for 3 years and towards the end of our relationship, the way you described your gf was kind of like me.

I started my first year at college and started meeting lots of new people. Having been with only this one guy since high school, I grew more curious as to what was out there. He kind of kept me away from the whole party scene because he was a bit older than me and he had it out of his system while I was just beginning to go out and have a social life beyond him.

He kind of grew obsessive and very over protective, and i was expected to tell him everything that I do. I didn't have any room to breathe because whenever I had a moment (he knew my schedule to the minute), he would call me and I would have to talk to him till my next class started, or had something else to do. This display of obsession turned me off a lot and I started to stray away from him and go to more social events to meet people.

Asides from him being obsessive, I agree with Miss Crayon, she just wants to grow out of her younger years just as I did.

Maybe you should start breaking out of your shell too, go out and have fun, meet new people, but not with finding someone better in the back of your mind, but just to expand your social and networking circle.

you need to have a good heart to heart talk with her... and if she doesnt want too, then maybe its time to move on because it sounds like she is not taking the relationship serious.


this is what gets me mad if she was my gf... its obvious after this statement that you need to really think about the relationship. maybe start when you guys are in university, have you notice that she has changed towards you? to me, it does...

You lack confidence.
She's not into you as much as you are into her.
You spend too much time worrying about her activities.
You are missing out on your own university life. Why don't you try to be more open minded and try school activities/meet other ppl.
Above all, you're putting her up on a pedastal.

lol damn bro your gf is DTF but not with you after 2 years?

hook up her digits ill get it out of her system promise

:werd:

if you talk to her about this situation as blunt as possible, you're going to look very very insecure. if you do this, i suggest using humor. i'll acknowledge now that this isn't a laughing situation, but you've got to word it so you don't piss her off nor turn her off. don't do this while your head is full of thoughts, do this on a day where you're in a good mood. that may be 2 days from now or 2 weeks who knows, at least you back off and give her space, then bring up this situation.

you also have to realize and accept if she's no longer interested, it's best to pick up the clues and leave before she does. it'll make things easier for you.

I'm going to give you the insensitive asshole advice.

She's given you the green to go ahead and bang any girl, "drunk". Do it.

Not because you are an asshole, but because she's saying some pretty nasty stuff, and all signs are pointing to her wanting more. Now if you take my advice you will most likely lose her. But chances are you are going to lose her anyways. Atleast if you take my advice, you will be semi distancing yourself from her and when that time comes, you won't be holding up traffic on the bridge as you ponder jumping.

But ya, all I'm saying is those aren't good things to say to a partner. Personaly after hearing that, I wouldn't be as concerned about keeping her, I'd be more looking into the possibilities of dumping her.
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you know its ok if she goes clubbing and what not. my gf goes clubbing without me all the time cuz i really dont like clubbing. it bugged me at first quit abit the thought of losing her, but you just have to trust that she wont do anything. what did she say the first time u asked her if she found some1 better??how many times have u asked her?? ive done that and she just started to get mad that i was thinking that way so the answer got worse everytime so i dont ask cuz it causes problems.

maybe you should think about having sex with her too or bring it up

imho just trust her, spend your weekends with her, treat her well, ask her on dates, and at the end of the night as long as she comes home to you...

GAME OVER.

You are from SFU, she's from UBC, she's active as heck and yeah you can cry about all the high school times but your gf is going to be active and become more and more involved with the club. Sorry to say, the sudden change in lifestyle, friends, schools will eventually phase you out.

The fact "oh, if i have sex because I was drunk, it'll mean nothing. ONLY A FUCKEN GIRL would say that shit. You would NEVER EVER hear a guy saying that and get away with this. Seriously, does ANYONE you know with a great bf/gf relationship ever say this to their sign. other?

Not saying it is impossible to work out but coming from me since I have been in this situation before, I would just dump her.

In 2 -4 weeks when you dump her, you'll see her going out with someone else. It's just reality. You'll soon realize you have made the right decision and it'll be your first time over a serious breakup.

In 4-6 months you'll let her go and finally realized moving on was the best option AND you'll become so much better in your dating experience. TRUST me on this.

If you don't, you'll end up in 4-6 months posting another break up thread on how ur girl changed so much because she changed so much.

This is fucked up but true

honestly, if ur feeling crappy and insecure about this situation, just drop her.
it will save you a lot of head/heart-ache if she decides to get drunk and get with some other dude.
i was in this situation about a year ago and i waited a month to end it. i should have ended it earlier. took me awhile to get over her. but its all good. its a good growing experience.

pop her cherry before someone takes it.

She doesn't seem to care about you. To her you are like her back up plan. if she have nothing to do, really bored then you are there.

Just you know don't give her that much room. If she calls you out let her know you are busy or is doing something else. Basically don't give her all your time.

:thumbsup:, hurt her before she can hurt you

I don't understand how you two haven't had sex yet. I mean I am being serious, you're both in UNI so you're like 18-20 or perhaps even higher and you dated each other for more than 2 years. Maybe she just wants sex, because there is no way she is saving her virginity for marriage due to the fact that she said if she smushes another guy at a party, she'd be fine with it. Maybe you should just fuck her and then dump her. I am not even kidding. She'll be sad and will want to reconcile with you and you will be dislike her more and more since she will become obsessive.

I highly doubt he wants this

I realize that, but what I am saying is he will then not want her, and perhaps even be disgusted by her. Maybe it's just me but the girl that he is describing sounds like she doesn't really want to be in a relationship anymore.

Doing this will probably be opeing the flood gates. IF she hasnt lost her virginity already, it might be the only thing that holding her back. Once it is gone, then she probably not going to stop.

Im sorry to say this, but from the comments she made about having sex while she is drunk is utter pathetic. If it bothers you that there is a chance of her cheating on you while she is drunk, then you should leave before it happens.

Better to leave with your head screwed on straight, than leave in shame after you find out she cheated.

Sorry to be the barer of bad news. Good luck man.

Straight up man, just fuck her and her feelings will grow even stronger for you. Especially if youre her first love and her first fuck.
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Leave now and you'll still have your pride