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The thin line between love and hate
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Old 02-21-2011, 08:35 PM   #1
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Opposing views about having children

I'm just throwing this question out there. Would any of you limit yourselves to who you date simply because one partner may want children and the other doesn't? Do you think one may eventually conform to the other down the road or should this relationship not even start from the beginning due to conflicting interests which will ultimately become a topic in the future?

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Old 02-21-2011, 08:47 PM   #2
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It depends on how old you are. If you're 25 and looking to start a family obviously this would be a huge factor on whether you'd get together with them, and even if you do this would always be on the back of your mind. If you're say 19, you wouldn't be at that point in your life where you're even thinking about having kids.

I personally would start the relationship, to see how serious she would be about it, as I would like to have kids one day. Besides just because they say they don't want kids doesn't mean they won't change their minds.
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:18 PM   #3
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^Agreed with above. However if I was looking to settle down with someone and they didnt have similar views/goals for a family as me, I wouldnt waste time.

Maybe its just me, but who would want to be with someone fully knowing that they dont want the same thing as you? Especially with something of that magnitude (starting a family)
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:56 PM   #4
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me and my girl have opposing views

just gotta be careful about those 7 days out of the month, and her not stealing my nut
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:34 AM   #5
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what liu13 means by stealing his nut, is finger banging her self with the used condom inside out
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:53 AM   #6
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me and my girl have opposing views

just gotta be careful about those 7 days out of the month, and her not stealing my nut


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what liu13 means by stealing his nut, is finger banging her self with the used condom inside out
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Old 02-22-2011, 04:36 AM   #7
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It's a deal breaker IMO. Fine for casual dating but when things get serious, you gotta be on the same page about a few things - kids, marriage and money.
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Old 02-22-2011, 08:50 AM   #8
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Also how the kids are raised. ie: baptized


I think that if both parties have cemented their decision on kids, then yea, it won't work.
Meet in the middle, one child.
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:45 AM   #9
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Also how the kids are raised. ie: baptized


I think that if both parties have cemented their decision on kids, then yea, it won't work.
Meet in the middle, one child.
Totally and discipline. I've seen couples go from loving each other to hating each other over differing views on parenting.
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Old 02-22-2011, 09:48 AM   #10
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lol those are the most polar ends of the having-children-debate. If you guys are heading in the opposite direction on what you want, chances are there are going to be some huge arguments especially with something as life changing as having a child.

Picture this: a girl wants to get married with a guy but the guy isn't ready to get married. What's the chick going to do? She has two choices: leave the guy or bitch him off until he ties the knot.

In the above case, there's a way out without morally scarring one's self.

When having a kid, the problem can't be ignored when you actually have a kid and the person who didn't want the kid will be like "WTF i never wanted to have kids in the first place F U, GTFO". When you don't have the kid, the party that wants the kid will not stop nagging and the person who doesn't want the kid will most likely get annoyed and bitch back. Best thing to do is to find someone who's on the same track headed in the same direction. My question is: why would you want to have a kid with someone who doesn't want to have a kid? Makes no sense.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:32 AM   #11
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tone down the immaturity people
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Old 02-22-2011, 12:55 PM   #12
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kinda off topic, but at what age do you think having kids is ideal? granted the two of you are financially capable of having children. i heard after you have kids the marriage excitement kinda goes down hill from there...
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:13 PM   #13
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Of course the excitement goes down, your time devotion goes to raising your children
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Old 02-22-2011, 01:21 PM   #14
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While financially you're better off having kids later (sorta). I'm EXTREMELY happy that I had my child in my early 20s. Not only did my body handle it better, and I had the energy to run around with my kid. But now in my 30s when I'm financially stable, my child is old enough that I can enjoy it with her. And even better - I get my kid, we get along well, we share interests. This is something a lot of her friends have told me they don't have with their parents.

I know so many people who slave away to get to the 'good financial place' only to have their babies and enslave themselves to diapers and further financial burden. Essentially it's 30 years of drudgery and when finally they're free of all this, they find they're in their 50s and their bodies have broken down. ALSO I see a lot of parents that wait till their 30s and 40s to have their kids and they have huge problems related to their children both because 1. they've been independent of family responsibilities and limitations for so long and essentially extended their adolecence into their 30s and never grown up fully and 2. because there's what used to be 2 full generations between them and their kids, more like if your grandparents were your parents.

And even worse, every year you get older as a woman with out having kids, you both have a higher risk of birth defects and of developing various cancers yourself. And lastly there's increasing studies about the effects of life long birth control use on fertility in women in their 30s... more and more are finding they /can't/ have kids when they finally want them because they've been suppressing ovulation since they were 16. And then all those financial gains they which they waited to have kids for, they lose paying for adoptions and IVF and surregates.

I think too many people wait thinking there will be a perfect time... only to find it's too late.
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Old 02-22-2011, 03:46 PM   #15
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^ I can't agree with you more. However, in this day and age and in society, we can't really plan when we will meet the significant other and when we'll actually get married and have kids.

In a perfect world, i would have a normal gf, who's horny as heck and we date until we're in our late 20s, both be in our careers by our 30s and already have kids and an apartment after we get married.

No matter what age you are, the financial burdens will be there. How does a couple get married, afford a wedding, have a place to live and pay for diapers in the early to late 20s without help from their parents.... I don't know how you can do it.

Now, if you have an Asian family, who helped paid 80k down payment for you, your husband owns his own business and doesn't really work for money.... then yeah, i can see how it can happen.
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Old 02-22-2011, 11:31 PM   #16
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^^^

i come from an asian family, but i dont think i'm gonna be getting any help from my parents for weddings or down payments. maybe its a good thing.
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Old 02-23-2011, 10:09 AM   #17
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My son's turning 3 in April, and looking at friends who also had kids recently, we've all aged. You should see all the white hair I have now!

If possible, it seems that it's better to have your kids earlier (as TheNewGirl puts it).

Edit: I will be 33 this year.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:27 AM   #18
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for fun and fucking, i don't care.

for a wife and or the women that will have my children, no shit of course it matters.

I also don't wanna be fuckin 80 years old when my kid gets married or whatever.

i want to SEE my grandkids. and hopefully great grandchildren.

i'm going to have kids as soon as i meet the right person and have the money to support them.

think about it, if you have kids at 35 or 40. you're gonna be like 60-65 when they graduate university or whatever equivalent, and then 70-85 when they have kids? if they think the same as you.

fuck that.

people say "oh but 30's the new 20" and whatever other excuses. yeah maybe in some ways, but you aint living that much fucking longer, sure if i have a high chance of living till 115+ years old i could delay all this shit.

basically it just comes down to the right person and money. if i have both, imma be pumping those mother fuckers out up to my financial limitations.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:37 AM   #19
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I think it depends how much of a priority it is. If you definitely want to have kids sometime in your life, then dont go out with someone who never wants to have any. I wouldn't worry about it when you're young because most people in their 20s dont know what they want. When people get older their views and what they want can change.

For myself, I've been with my wife for almost 10 years, and I always thought I wanted kids, but I'm not so sure anymore, and she's on the fence too.
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Old 02-25-2011, 09:06 AM   #20
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Quote:
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I think too many people wait thinking there will be a perfect time... only to find it's too late.
Like the saying goes, "there is never a good time to have a child." As far as relationships go it can be deal breaker if one person wants children and the other does not. I know my wife would love to have another kid tomorrow well me I'm not so sure as they are $$$$$.
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Old 02-28-2011, 10:19 PM   #21
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I suppose in the end, it wouldn't work out. Did anyone see How I Met Your Mother today? It answered this post so perfectly.
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:01 PM   #22
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No I would never limit myself to dating someone because they had differing views on if children were gonna be in the picture or not.
As relationships grow and as people mature or priorities change then so do certain life choices.
My daughter was born when I was 19, that was 15 years ago and I swore I'd never want a kid again as most of that time I was a single father raising her fulltime the past 15 years have been a great experience and we are very close but starting so young and missing out on so much I figured by 40 I'd be a free daddy chasing 20 somethin Y/O's
I'm 34 now and beginning to think if the family situation was right would I be open to getting married and having another kid and I don't have much of a desire to be catching up on chasing floozies anymore.
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Old 03-02-2011, 12:01 AM   #23
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No I would never limit myself to dating someone because they had differing views on if children were gonna be in the picture or not.
As relationships grow and as people mature or priorities change then so do certain life choices.
My daughter was born when I was 19, that was 15 years ago and I swore I'd never want a kid again as most of that time I was a single father raising her fulltime the past 15 years have been a great experience and we are very close but starting so young and missing out on so much I figured by 40 I'd be a free daddy chasing 20 somethin Y/O's
I'm 34 now and beginning to think if the family situation was right would I be open to getting married and having another kid and I don't have much of a desire to be catching up on chasing floozies anymore.
Holy shit, you just described my situation. Had my son when I was 19, his mother promptly left, he just turned 15 today. Current GF of 3years wants a kid. I was initially opposed cause I had this thing about only being 37 when he turns 18 (travel, freedom, etc.) but I might be warming up to settling down and enjoying raising a kid again. When you're a single dad at 19, you lose a lot of the "joys of parenthood" cause you're focused on needs and moving forward over enjoying the ride.
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Old 03-02-2011, 02:49 PM   #24
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To the two boys above, i give mad props to you for two for holding on that strong and it's great to see how your kid is now 15.

I have a personal question and if you're comfy I would love to hear about it, in most cases, it's usually the mom that keeps the kid, I just wondered why the mom didn't keep the kid. if you can share some of your experience, it would be greatly appreciated. It's really uncommon for the guy to keep the kid and it's rare to hear about single dad stories.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:29 PM   #25
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Holy shit, you just described my situation. Had my son when I was 19, his mother promptly left, he just turned 15 today. Current GF of 3years wants a kid. I was initially opposed cause I had this thing about only being 37 when he turns 18 (travel, freedom, etc.) but I might be warming up to settling down and enjoying raising a kid again. When you're a single dad at 19, you lose a lot of the "joys of parenthood" cause you're focused on needs and moving forward over enjoying the ride.
I'm with both of you. I had my kiddo when I was 20, she's 11 now and every now and then I get the baby twinge but then I go work at the animal rescue and cuddle kittens instead. We're planning to go to Scotland together when she's 13. I can't do that with a baby!

Ideally I date men that already have children though because 1. they're more understanding about what mine needs of my time/energy and so on and 2. I don't want more babies. IMO it would be a deal breaker unless things changed such that I could take the time off to be a really focused mom this go around and stay home till the kid was in kindergarden. I already did the working while raising a toddler gig. It's sooooo not happening again.
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