Relationship Principle - An eye for an eye or No?

[!Yaminashi]

Maybe presto didnt mean for his post to be used in such extreme conditions such as one of the individuals pushing the limits of what is considered "cheating," but maybe more a generalization to everyday bickering/fighting?

I see what Noir means, there are certain lines you just shouldnt cross.
Personally if my woman were to do something like that to betray my trust, I'm done.
I would imagine 95% of the guys here would say the same thing.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by !Yaminashi

Personally if my woman were to do something like that to betray my trust, I'm done.
I would imagine 95% of the guys here would say the same thing.

IMO,

considering the gf is hiding/lying about her actions indicates that she knows what she's doing is wrong. This compounded by the fact that she considers it wrong when her bf used to grind up with other girls and made it clear it upsets her.

I just wish a lot of guys on RS grow a backbone and not always default women as damsels that need to be coddled. There's really nothing to talk about, nothing to explain, nothing to compromise, nothing to understand when she knows it's wrong the moment she forbade her bf of the same action.



OP, I'm not saying dump the gf but I'm saying you're well within reason to be angry for her crossing the line you BOTH drew and agreed upon. You being angry and putting your foot down is a hell of a lot better than the "eye for an eye/revenge" route. Likewise, you also have to make decisions when she doesn't take you putting your foot down on such an issue too well.

[dachinesedude]

Originally Posted by Presto

Also, it fuckin' breaks my heart when I see my girl hurt. Especially, by words that come from my mouth.

QFT, especially when u say something that makes them cry, the guilt is unbearable

[Presto]

Originally Posted by Noir

Depending on you where you choose to draw the line of improper/inapporiate/or complete violation of your relationship, can you put your foot down? Or will you still pull that Dr. Phil crap of lets talk, lets work this through, lets compromise, or lets just process this like any other problem?

It's called maturity. Get some of it, and grow up. Lines get crossed, but there are ways of handling it without flying off the handle. Foaming at the mouth may get you immediate results, but think about that seed of resentment and negativity you're planting. Women don't forget crap like that.

I'm not sure what you mean by "improper/inappropriate/or complete violation", but that sounds like something that's probably a by-product of the fear and anger regimen that you practice.

Don't misunderstand that it's all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows over here. It's not. There are times when I want to yell, but I've trained myself to resist the urge, and go at the situation with a level head. More shit gets accomplished this way. Seriously.

BTW, Dr. Phil can go fuck himself with a rusty-barbed dildo. I think he's an asshat.

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by Noir

IMO,

considering the gf is hiding/lying about her actions indicates that she knows what she's doing is wrong. This compounded by the fact that she considers it wrong when her bf used to grind up with other girls and made it clear it upsets her.

I just wish a lot of guys on RS grow a backbone and not always default women as damsels that need to be coddled. There's really nothing to talk about, nothing to explain, nothing to compromise, nothing to understand when she knows it's wrong the moment she forbade her bf of the same action.



OP, I'm not saying dump the gf but I'm saying you're well within reason to be angry for her crossing the line you BOTH drew and agreed upon. You being angry and putting your foot down is a hell of a lot better than the "eye for an eye/revenge" route. Likewise, you also have to make decisions when she doesn't take you putting your foot down on such an issue too well.

I agree with you here, but I think there are ways for the OP to get his point across without having to steam from the ears.

He does have every right to be angry, but would approaching her when his rage meter is over 9000 benefit him at all? Probably not. Would it benefit him to be calm about it? Probably not again since it sounds like SHE somehow thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with what she did.

I still stand by what I said earlier, this girl sounds like a waste of time.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by Presto

It's called maturity. Get some of it, and grow up. Lines get crossed, but there are ways of handling it without flying off the handle. Foaming at the mouth may get you immediate results, but think about that seed of resentment and negativity you're planting. Women don't forget crap like that.

The won't forget that, and they won't forget the consequence should they find themselves in a compromisable situation again.

And if you find yourself in a relationship we're each partner is having differences in defining sexual boundaries and limits, you my friend have a bigger problem than just defining appropriate conflict resolution.

And BTW. just because you can white knight it up doesn't mean you're more mature than others.

Originally Posted by Presto

I'm not sure what you mean by "improper/inappropriate/or complete violation", but that sounds like something that's probably a by-product of the fear and anger regimen that you practice.

No, it's a by-product of fooling around and disrespecting boundaries. Not that hard of a concept and the fact that you can't decipher that means that you still have quite the bit of figuring out to do.

Originally Posted by Presto

Don't misunderstand that it's all sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows over here. It's not. There are times when I want to yell, but I've trained myself to resist the urge, and go at the situation with a level head. More shit gets accomplished this way. Seriously.

Really, like when? When your gf is late for an appointment? Like when your gf can't decide where to eat? Or maybe when your gf disagrees which friends to spend time with?

Yeah... must be hard to keep level headed with that; those are super awesome accomplishments. But hey, I'll keep it that in mind in the hypothetical situation of me (or other guys) ever find ourselves with your gf rubbing her vagina on our penis. You can be the bigger person all you want. I (or guys on the prowl) sure as hell don't mind your stance at all, nor your woman (if you had the OP's gf)


BTW, it is sunshine and lollipops on my end because I would do nothing to cross my wife, and she would do nothing to cross me. We both have a healthy fear of the loss of each other should one of us cross "that line" we have set for ourselves.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by !Yaminashi

I agree with you here, but I think there are ways for the OP to get his point across without having to steam from the ears.

He does have every right to be angry, but would approaching her when his rage meter is over 9000 benefit him at all? Probably not. Would it benefit him to be calm about it? Probably not again since it sounds like SHE somehow thinks there's absolutely nothing wrong with what she did.

I still stand by what I said earlier, this girl sounds like a waste of time.

Probably just as inbeneficial as having your gf grinding other guys IMO.

The problem with white knights is that some guys are so wrapped up with chivalry that they associate any negative reaction to women as condescencion; as if they're weaker and we must assert our dominance.

But what people can't dissacociate from that is that with anger, it's all just about, action = consequence. Not as a form of devaluing women to a lower stature of you because they're not. What they also don't get is the more we coddle women, the more we treat them as fragile, the more they're actually treating them as inequal to men. (are the women going to complain in this particular situation, heck no. It benefits them atm).

I mean, you'd get pissed off at your employee if he were to insubordinate. You'd be pissed off at your guy friend if he crossed a line with you (whatever that may be: theft, stealing your chick, making an inapporpriate remark about you mother). Why wouldn't you be allowed to be pissed off at a gf for certain actions? esp. the action in question with respect to the OP.

Is it because she has a vagina? Is it because you're hitting that vagina and you might lose your pussy retainer? Am I a male chauvanist because I hold women to the same regard as men? Because I chose to have limitations with my chivalry?



Also,


Has anybody ever given thought that some women have figured out the benefits of passive boyfriends?


BTW Yaminashi, this post is not directed at you but just moreso to the discussion in general. I just quoted you because I'm continuing where the discussion last ended.

[TheNewGirl]

I think Noir you're confusing things. Feeling angry is totally understandable.
Acting like an asshat because of it is still acting like an asshat.

I maintain - if you don't trust your partner, break up with them. Waging war to make yourself feel in control of that which you can't control is childish and petty and only going to end up in the same place in the end, just with a lot more baggage.

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by Noir

Probably just as inbeneficial as having your gf grinding other guys IMO.

The problem with white knights is that some guys are so wrapped up with chivalry that they associate any negative reaction to women as condescencion; as if they're weaker and we must assert our dominance.

But what people can't dissacociate from that is that with anger, it's all just about, action = consequence. Not as a form of devaluing women to a lower stature of you because they're not. What they also don't get is the more we coddle women, the more we treat them as fragile, the more they're actually treating them as inequal to men. (are the women going to complain in this particular situation, heck no. It benefits them atm).

I mean, you'd get pissed off at your employee if he were to insubordinate. You'd be pissed off at your guy friend if he crossed a line with you (whatever that may be: theft, stealing your chick, making an inapporpriate remark about you mother). Why wouldn't you be allowed to be pissed off at a gf for certain actions? esp. the action in question with respect to the OP.

Is it because she has a vagina? Is it because you're hitting that vagina and you might lose your pussy retainer? Am I a male chauvanist because I hold women to the same regard as men? Because I chose to have limitations with my chivalry?



Also,


Has anybody ever given thought that some women have figured out the benefits of passive boyfriends?


BTW Yaminashi, this post is not directed at you but just moreso to the discussion in general. I just quoted you because I'm continuing where the discussion last ended.

No worries man, I didnt take it as you coming at me at all.
But I do agree with what you're saying. If you're mad at something your woman did, let her know cause she sure as hell would let you know.
(But within reason)

In OP's situation I think he'd have every right to let her have it, especially since she was the one who didnt like when he would dance with women.

But at least he came out and discussed it with her when she voiced her dislike for his actions.

[MelonBoy]

Dont you know the quote
"Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"

If she does it once, its very likely she will do it agian.. more so cause she tried to make multiple excuse to cover it up.. rather then telling the truth.

On a side note: Communication is key! and that eye for eye thing is uh... probably not healthy for your relationship..

[Noir]

Originally Posted by TheNewGirl

I think Noir you're confusing things. Feeling angry is totally understandable.
Acting like an asshat because of it is still acting like an asshat.

I maintain - if you don't trust your partner, break up with them. Waging war to make yourself feel in control of that which you can't control is childish and petty and only going to end up in the same place in the end, just with a lot more baggage.

Exactly. And an "eye for an eye" revenge mode is acting like an asshat isn't it. But being angry for being betrayed, being angry because one man's gf is rubbing her junk on another guy's junk... well that's not asshattery IMO. Considering the circumstances one is put in, it's totally a reasonable emotion, therefore a reasonable reaction.

And if the gf had any iota of reasonability left within her, she would start respecting people's boundaries of anger. (because seriously, we all have one depending on context)


I think people in here can sometimes be too quick when they see an opinion that's not of the benefit of the female. It happens a lot around here IMO and I understand where it comes from because that's how I was raised as well. But times have changed now and I don't look at females the way people looked at them 30 years ago.

[Psykopathik]

OP never even came back to reply

[Girl]

Originally Posted by TheNewGirl

I think Noir you're confusing things. Feeling angry is totally understandable.
Acting like an asshat because of it is still acting like an asshat.

Feeling angry and being an asshat is understandable too. But still being an asshat AFTER the anger has passed or not apologizing for being an angry asshat is just being an asshat with major pride issues.


A relationship without communication is just a ticking time bomb. It'll eventually explode. A relationship where you only think about yourself and never putting yourself in the other person's shoes is a relationship that you'll never be happy in because you'll always see their faults and you'll always wonder why you're not content. And a relationship without compromise or without the understanding and acceptance that it might not always be happy and picture perfect is a stagnant relationship, which translates to a "comfortable" relationship over time.

[The7even]

Originally Posted by Presto

OT: Anger isn't something I like to use in a relationship. I don't think it's healthy, if my girl is afraid because I might get angry. Negative shit like fear and anger don't belong in a good relationship. It's also counter-productive. I want my girl to be able to talk to me about anything that's on her mind, or troubling her. Not bottling it up because I might get angry, and then she explodes later. That's not to say that we don't slip, but we are quick to apologize.

Also, it fuckin' breaks my heart when I see my girl hurt. Especially, by words that come from my mouth.

I don't usually write to complement , but you.. are a real man. Many on RS should look up to you. Good for you man.

[FerrariEnzo]

first things first... you shouldnt have to make an agreement like that because you need to be respecting your relationship... i mean are you guys also going to write out a contract while you guys are dating too that specifies what else you two should do and not do?

if you have to make stuff like that, it means there is sort of no trust between you two and yourselves..

[Graeme S]

The question as far as asshattery goes, is "what's the purpose of the asshattery?". Using an asshole move on someone who does it without thinking so they realize what a dick they're being is not always a bad thing. Being a bitch 'cause you're angry and want to hurt them is a much different beast, though. If she established that she doesn't like you dancing with other girls 'cause it makes her jealous, but you continue to do it and she does it and you get jealous and she points that out, it may not be a dick move, but just a move to communicate how displeased she is and how much it hurts. On the other hand if she's doing it and thinks nothing of it, it speaks of the distrust she has for you and the double-standards she lays for herself and for you-- "he has to sacrifice to make me happy 'cause it's a man's job to make a woman happy". More women than not have that kind of attitude. Quite annoying.

The long and the short of it is don't just make sure you're communicating on the same level--make sure you both have the same level of trust too. If you're not supposed to dance 'cause it makes her jealous, then make sure that she KNOWS she has to follow the same rule. Don't just leave it assumed and unsaid. And if she has a problem with that, it's time to have A Talk.
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[!Yaminashi]

^Well said

[Phil@rise]

Originally Posted by butter_sashimi

Better blind than a pushover/chump.
Posted via RS Mobile

Then man up dont play the game just put a stop to it.

[xilley]

if today, i confronted my gf and she admits, then its fine, tell her not to do it again etc.
but when she lies, "oooh boy, somebody gonna get hurt real bad" * russel peters *
hahaha, jk no violence should be used in a relationship, from both sides

[yellowpower]

Originally Posted by v.Rossi

If she grinds with guys, you grind with chicks.

If she talks to guys, you talk to chicks.

You wouldn't just stand there while she's doing this like a chump right? No. But, wanting to do something equally bad to piss her off? Lol, men don't hold grudges. Be the bigger man and act maturely about this. You go out with this ex coworker she says sure, you're misleading this chick and you're doing this to spite your girlfriend? Get your shit straight.

She knows you don't like it, but she does it? That's disrespectful. If she won't clean up her behavior, then it's up to you to stay or move on. This is where you think with the head above your shoulders.
Posted via RS Mobile

I half agree. The thing is, one MUST work it out when they know their significant other is a keeper. When you know a girl is a keeper and despite all of the good qualities she has, she has the one negativity to go to a club and does what she tells you not to do, you must use some sort of way to convince her how much it hurts and pisses you off so you both can move on past a stupid speed bump like this.

My current gf was exactly the same and here is what I did. While she was away visiting her parents for a few days, I told her I was going to a rave and I was not going to dance or grind with any girl. When she came back, we both laid down after fucking, and I told her: "I danced with plenty of girls last weekend at Dooms." This angered the fuck out of her and she was silent and turned away for about a minutes. I let the hurting sink in for a minute or two more. Then i told her: "just kidding you fool, i was too fucked up to even stand up, now you know how I feel."

From that day forward, we have never been to an event or clubbing without eachother. Problem solved, and a keeper kept

[!Yaminashi]

You shouldn't have had to do that for her to understand, that's not a keeper

But to each their own
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[yellowpower]

Nono, i meant that she was a keeper despite that quality.

Sometimes, even if the woman isn't ideal, you gotta do what u gotta do to sculpt her to suit you.

[!Yaminashi]

Originally Posted by yellowpower

Nono, i meant that she was a keeper despite that quality.

Sometimes, even if the woman isn't ideal, you gotta do what u gotta do to sculpt her to suit you.

I see what you mean, but it doesnt make sense if she told you NOT to do it, but she goes and does it anyway.

Isnt this a general rule? If one person tells their SO not to do something, it automatically restricts them from doing it as well?

Or am I living on mars?

[melloman]

^^ dead on.

And to the OP, if your even still bothering to read all this. IMHO I'd let it slide once, agree with her we're both not going to grind with girls/guys anymore. If you find out that she's doing it again. Then fucking drop her, realistically it's not worth the trouble if she is going to soulfully agree to something and just go behind your back.

An eye for an eye goes so far, until u both end up blind. =]

[yellowpower]

Originally Posted by !Yaminashi

I see what you mean, but it doesnt make sense if she told you NOT to do it, but she goes and does it anyway.

Isnt this a general rule? If one person tells their SO not to do something, it automatically restricts them from doing it as well?

Or am I living on mars?

I know, woman are mental like that sometimes. Cant live with them cant live without them.