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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 05-11-2011, 08:22 PM   #1
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[Confidential] I love you... or not?

The following post is from an anonymous member. If she would like to reply to any replies please pm me.

My SO went on vacation for a bit and the first couple of days, I missed him a lot because I wasn't used to not waking up to a text or a call from him. We've been keeping in contact through an international text here and there, but mostly through Facebook.

Today before he left to start his day he told said I love you to me. It didn't even cross my mind to say I love you back, all I said was "have fun today." He asked me why I didn't say I love you back, and honestly, its like I forgot, I had no urge or want to say it, it just didn't occur to me!!!! And instead of saying I love you in reply to his question, I said "I'm sorry. I don't know."

I'm confused at myself right now, do I love him? do I not? are my feelings fading just because of time and distance? he's only gone for a month, but I don't know what I'm feeling right now, or if i'm feeling anything at all.

I can't say that I miss him, I'm not even sure if I do or not. Can someone help me decipher this a little? I'm certainly feeling a whole lot of guilty... any comments and input will be appreciated.

Thanks

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Old 05-11-2011, 09:36 PM   #2
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you already know the answer yourself...you're doubting yourself.

if you do love him, you wouldn't be questioning yourself and doubting yourself right now
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:26 PM   #3
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a little too soon to jump to conclusion.....


Not sure for anyone else, but I do not feel the need to say I love you everytime the SO says it. I sometimes actually forget say I love you. It does not mean I love my gf any less. I simply forgot.

Give yourself sometime to feel out how you are with out your BF. It is not normal to miss something right away. Give it some time.

If you dont love him, then you wont feel anything.

If you do love him, you will start to see subtle reminders of him. Little things like a movie he said he wanted to watch or a car he always talks about. When these things start coming to mind, you will realize you still have feelings for him.

Again, this is based on personal experience; not going to be the same for everyone. When the gf left for a bit, I found myself experiencing times where I want to share things with her before realizing she in not available.

Your bf is gone for a month, you have plenty of time to figure things out.
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Old 05-12-2011, 12:16 AM   #4
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How long have you been together?

I think if you have to question it, then you don't. But that's just me
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Old 05-12-2011, 12:29 AM   #5
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Saying the words "I love you" should come naturally and you shouldn't have to question whether or not you do. You just do.

I agree with k2 in where you shouldn't have to say it every time it's said to you, but when asked why you didn't say it and you say "I don't know" it brings up a question as to whether or not you do, at least from my perspective.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:02 AM   #6
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to me, saying "I love you" shouldnt be something that needs to be said everyday if you have a strong relationship.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:30 AM   #7
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"I love you" are just words. Showing someone you love them means much more.
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Old 05-12-2011, 08:53 AM   #8
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^ agree with what other says

but action speak louder than words =)
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:27 AM   #9
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Can't agree more with the above posts. It's through action. You can still have the same symptoms of "love" even though it's like. Trust yourself? That's the best solution.
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Old 05-12-2011, 09:31 AM   #10
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I think you should read "The Five Love Languages".

Some people's way of understanding affection is through words. Personally this isn't my primary form of communicating emotion so I never got it, until I dated someone who was this way. It's called "Words of Affirmation".

Now, I hate feeling I'm held hostage with "I love you"s but after reading this book I understood better that if the person you're with, that's the way they understand affection, it's important to make the effort. To him to not say it is withholding. Just like, depending on your personal language, if you saw him and he didn't touch you at all might be withholding, or maybe if he forgot your birthday, or didn't help you when you need it.

Understanding the way your partner values these things differently from yourself is very very important.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:40 AM   #11
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I think you should read "The Five Love Languages".

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
I don't think the author could have picked a cheesier title. But it's one of the best books I've read on relationships.
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Old 05-12-2011, 10:45 AM   #12
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I totally agree freakshow, and everyone looks at me like I'm completely fucking nuts when I recommend it to them but it's a fantastic book.

I also HIGHLY recommend the one for parents and children too.
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Old 05-12-2011, 06:01 PM   #13
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The following post is from an anonymous member. If she would like to reply to any replies please pm me.

My SO went on vacation for a bit and the first couple of days, I missed him a lot because I wasn't used to not waking up to a text or a call from him. We've been keeping in contact through an international text here and there, but mostly through Facebook.

Today before he left to start his day he told said I love you to me. It didn't even cross my mind to say I love you back, all I said was "have fun today." He asked me why I didn't say I love you back, and honestly, its like I forgot, I had no urge or want to say it, it just didn't occur to me!!!! And instead of saying I love you in reply to his question, I said "I'm sorry. I don't know."

I'm confused at myself right now, do I love him? do I not? are my feelings fading just because of time and distance? he's only gone for a month, but I don't know what I'm feeling right now, or if i'm feeling anything at all.

I can't say that I miss him, I'm not even sure if I do or not. Can someone help me decipher this a little? I'm certainly feeling a whole lot of guilty... any comments and input will be appreciated.

Thanks
It's I love you. You forgot. Not the end of the world.

I'm assuming you and your bf text a lot and possibly see each other a lot? Okay so he leaves, obviously the first few days will be hard strictly due to habit. Okay a few days later...you suddenly don't miss him as much and life seems okay, you seem to want to see some old friends, don't seem so rushed when having dinner with your family? Does that mean you don't love your boyfriend because you don't miss him? Probably not, just probably means that you're taking a breather from one another and having some time to yourselves and tending back to your own life.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, if without his presence you seem to lose that and you find yourself trying to look better for other boys...it might be time to start re-evaluating your feelings and your relationship. If not and you seem to just be enjoying life, probably means you should be doing more of it when he is back.
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:22 PM   #14
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The following is a reply from the Anonymous member


Quote:
Originally Posted by k2_alpha View Post
^
a little too soon to jump to conclusion.....


Not sure for anyone else, but I do not feel the need to say I love you everytime the SO says it. I sometimes actually forget say I love you. It does not mean I love my gf any less. I simply forgot.

Give yourself sometime to feel out how you are with out your BF. It is not normal to miss something right away. Give it some time.

If you dont love him, then you wont feel anything.

If you do love him, you will start to see subtle reminders of him. Little things like a movie he said he wanted to watch or a car he always talks about. When these things start coming to mind, you will realize you still have feelings for him.

Again, this is based on personal experience; not going to be the same for everyone. When the gf left for a bit, I found myself experiencing times where I want to share things with her before realizing she in not available.

Your bf is gone for a month, you have plenty of time to figure things out.
Thanks for your input. I agree its not always necessary to say I love you out loud, but from him asking me why I didn't say it struck a strange chord in me and made me very jumbled that moment. I also just realized I talked to the most stupid person before posting this question on RS and he led me down a very different train of thought than now after reading everyone's responses.

There has be a lot of reminders of him in my daily activities since he's left and I'm missing him tons. PS.The girl in your avatar is my cousin.

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How long have you been together?

I think if you have to question it, then you don't. But that's just me
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one year and 6 days.

Quote:
Originally Posted by !Nhan View Post
Saying the words "I love you" should come naturally and you shouldn't have to question whether or not you do. You just do.

I agree with k2 in where you shouldn't have to say it every time it's said to you, but when asked why you didn't say it and you say "I don't know" it brings up a question as to whether or not you do, at least from my perspective.
So kinda.... he asked me why I didn't say I love you back to him, is that him doubting me? Because it really caught me off guard and I didn't even think to say it, it didn't "come naturally" you know?. Regardless the past couple days, he's been telling me he loves me at the end of every message sent. I really have a great guy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNewGirl View Post
I think you should read "The Five Love Languages".

Some people's way of understanding affection is through words. Personally this isn't my primary form of communicating emotion so I never got it, until I dated someone who was this way. It's called "Words of Affirmation".

Now, I hate feeling I'm held hostage with "I love you"s but after reading this book I understood better that if the person you're with, that's the way they understand affection, it's important to make the effort. To him to not say it is withholding. Just like, depending on your personal language, if you saw him and he didn't touch you at all might be withholding, or maybe if he forgot your birthday, or didn't help you when you need it.

Understanding the way your partner values these things differently from yourself is very very important.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Thank you for bringing that book up. We've actually taken the quiz to see what language(s) we are. I show my love through words of affirmation and physical touch, quality time and gifts come afterwards with a similar score. He's all about acts of service. So its a little ironic that I'm the one that "forgot" to say I love you since I'm all about the words. lol.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl View Post
It's I love you. You forgot. Not the end of the world.

I'm assuming you and your bf text a lot and possibly see each other a lot? Okay so he leaves, obviously the first few days will be hard strictly due to habit. Okay a few days later...you suddenly don't miss him as much and life seems okay, you seem to want to see some old friends, don't seem so rushed when having dinner with your family? Does that mean you don't love your boyfriend because you don't miss him? Probably not, just probably means that you're taking a breather from one another and having some time to yourselves and tending back to your own life.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, if without his presence you seem to lose that and you find yourself trying to look better for other boys...it might be time to start re-evaluating your feelings and your relationship. If not and you seem to just be enjoying life, probably means you should be doing more of it when he is back.
Although we've been going out for a year, we JUST started the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. Its taken me aback a little the first couple days he's gone, but you're absolutely right. I'm catching up with old friends, and taking time with my family for dinner; he's not my first priority for this month. I admit that I've always had a wandering eye, but I let him know that all the boys I look at are just eye candy (is that bad by the way? lol). Thank you so much for your input!
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[14-01, 13:15] GLOW older the chicken, sweeter the stirfry
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:30 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheNewGirl View Post
I think you should read "The Five Love Languages".

Some people's way of understanding affection is through words. Personally this isn't my primary form of communicating emotion so I never got it, until I dated someone who was this way. It's called "Words of Affirmation".

Now, I hate feeling I'm held hostage with "I love you"s but after reading this book I understood better that if the person you're with, that's the way they understand affection, it's important to make the effort. To him to not say it is withholding. Just like, depending on your personal language, if you saw him and he didn't touch you at all might be withholding, or maybe if he forgot your birthday, or didn't help you when you need it.

Understanding the way your partner values these things differently from yourself is very very important.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
i read the book a few months ago. it was pretty good. it works best if BOTH of you read it...
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Old 05-13-2011, 12:42 PM   #16
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From what I've gathered, women (not all) do not like it when their men check out other women in front of them. Some couples don't care but if you're the type that would get angry at him for doing so, then yes, I'd say its bad
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Old 05-13-2011, 08:23 PM   #17
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You probably just got turned off by his response, him wondering why you didn't say it back. Someone with low self-esteem needs to live off verbal approval, while someone comfortable with themselves can live off with only your actions.
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Old 05-13-2011, 10:41 PM   #18
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The following is a reply from the Anonymous memberSo kinda.... he asked me why I didn't say I love you back to him, is that him doubting me? Because it really caught me off guard and I didn't even think to say it, it didn't "come naturally" you know?. Regardless the past couple days, he's been telling me he loves me at the end of every message sent. I really have a great guy.
To be honest the words "I love you" become a novelty (for lack of a better word) the more it's used. When I was with my ex we said it to each other every time we got off the phone or saw each other and this was a lot. Eventually I just started saying it without knowing I'm actually saying it.

I have a friend who's in a relationship and he tells me they only say it to each other every now and then, and because of this they both feel that the words have more meaning to it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 12:41 AM   #19
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I am pretty sure you still like him a lot. Long distance relationship is hard no matter for how long. If you are used to seeing your bf everyday or every other day...one month is a long time without seeing each other. You are probably just subconsciously shutting off some feelings because constantly missing someone is not a fun thing.

I agree with !Nhan that "I Love You" should be saved for those moment when you truly feel it. Like when the bf just went out of the way to do something for you; when the gf wink at your playfully because you were making fun of her.....etc etc.

Just imagine how happy you would be the moment you pick him up from the airport. All the feelings will just rush back into your system and it would be honey moon all over again....=)

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Old 05-15-2011, 05:40 AM   #20
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words are words and actions speak louder than them. My father has never said once that he has loved me, but I know he does.
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Old 05-16-2011, 09:05 AM   #21
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words are words and actions speak louder than them. My father has never said once that he has loved me, but I know he does.
Same
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Old 05-17-2011, 11:59 AM   #22
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words are words and actions speak louder than them. My father has never said once that he has loved me, but I know he does.

true.

if my dad knew that i was gonna die and he could sacrifice himself for me to live, he would do so.

and god dang it i would do the same god damn thing.

but he never once said "i love you" and frankly , if he said it now , it would feel awkward.
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