REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum

El Bastardo · 02-03-2012, 12:40 PM

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me

I don’t know what to do in my current situation, can someone please give some advice?
Me and my girl have been together for a long time, and things have gotten progressively worse over the last several years. The first year we were together I made out with some random girl, and I wasn’t going to tell her, but I did a year later. Regardless of what I did, we stayed together. I have always been overfriendly/flirty, and had developed friendships over the years, which come and go, which she would consider ‘emotionally’ cheating, but I would never think of messing around with any of them, regardless of what happened in the past. Most of the time it would hit a breaking point with my wife over a friendship, and I would eventually sever it.

I understand and realize NOW what I was doing was wrong and I was hurting her a lot. Why did I do it? It might sound cliché, but I wasn’t really thinking, or maybe I just didn’t realize what the consequences would be. I never really received much affection from her, especially after cheating (which is expected), and I’m not making that an excuse, but that could also be another why I turned to these friendships.

I tried to talk to a couple of my guy friends, and they have seen these friendships of my mine develop and how close I’ve gotten, but they think my girl is overreacting, and that I haven’t really cheated on her since I didn’t actually fuck another girl. I try to explain emotionally cheating, but they just roll their eyes…

Just in the last several months things have gotten much worse, I guess after all these years she has had enough, and she has so much anger towards me, and I don’t blame her. As stupid as it sounds, it’s only in the last several months that I realize how much I have hurt her, and I do whatever I can to do the right things. She admitted I don’t act like I used to, but she still holds on to everything that has happened in the past. We have planned to see someone, but in the meantime she gets these moments where she would go off on me about things for a couple hours screaming at me about things I have done and how I am. I’m tempted to take my stuff and move out, because I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to live under as much tension and screaming.

Please let me know if you need more info to get a better perspective on what I should do.

Mr.HappySilp · 02-03-2012, 01:19 PM

well u did something wrong and now u have to live with it.

I think is unhealthy both of u still lives together so it is best if one move out. It will give time for u and her and have some time to think about the future.

Ducdesmo · 02-03-2012, 01:47 PM

I think you should see a marriage counselor.

TheNewGirl · 02-03-2012, 01:58 PM

You both need to learn conflict resolution and communication skills. I totally would recommend therapy, both together and apart.
I don't know where you live but SHARE out her in the Tri Cities offers fairly affordable family councilling.

Also... do you have children?

Lamboda · 02-03-2012, 02:00 PM

There is in fact something called emotional cheating. Like you said because she hasn't been giving you attention you went to meet people who would provide what you required. It's not a conscious response but rather a reflex. You don't get the praise you require or the attention. So you seek other people who would give it to you. The bad thing about emotional cheating is that if prolonged it MAY lead to adultery.

You really need to talk to your wife about your problem or else it's only going to get worse. If you've tried then get some counseling. If all else fails, you need to do what's right and perhaps even a divorce is required.

El Bastardo · 02-03-2012, 03:01 PM

The following is a reply from the anonymous member

Mr.HappySilp - I agree that's a good idea, but any time I suggest seperating to gain some clarity with everything, she gets more angry

TheNewGirl - thanks for the suggestion, and no we do not have children

Lamboda - thanks for your insight. We have actually booked an apointment for some counseling, and I think we both realize that if counselling doesn't work, there's a good chance of breaking up. I do understand the concept of emotionally cheating and why I did it, but I never fully realized the extent of the pain it could cause until years later.

Prolowtone · 02-03-2012, 03:02 PM

....

Prolowtone · 02-03-2012, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lamboda

There is in fact something called emotional cheating. Like you said because she hasn't been giving you attention you went to meet people who would provide what you required. It's not a conscious response but rather a reflex. You don't get the praise you require or the attention. So you seek other people who would give it to you. The bad thing about emotional cheating is that if prolonged it MAY lead to adultery.

You really need to talk to your wife about your problem or else it's only going to get worse. If you've tried then get some counseling. If all else fails, you need to do what's right and perhaps even a divorce is required.

^
Try to work it out, seams you are both unhappy with how things are so you need to talk. Explain your needs and listen to hers, If no resolve can be found then there isnt much else you can do.

!Yaminashi · 02-03-2012, 03:54 PM

I don't blame her. Out of curiosity are your buddies younger than you?
Sometimes I find the younger ones are the ones that don't see the big picture and just see your emotional cheating talks as something only chicks say. Its not "manly" to them, if that makes sense.

I can't really say much more than what's already been said, but I hope you guys are able to work past this.
More importantly, I hope you've learned from your mistakes.
Posted via RS Mobile

dinosaur · 02-03-2012, 05:28 PM

+1 for counselling.

Relationships, no matter how great they are, are a rollercoaster. It seems that yours keeps going down. Yes, there is a clear reason why (cheating/emotionally cheating) but your partner was pulling away before this happened (not being affectionate) there are some obvious communication issues.

I think you should plan to have several counselling sessions as I don't think this is something that can be worked out with just the 2 of you.

Kudos for not just calling it quits and trying to work on it. So many people give up way too fast.

Best of luck

pastarocket · 02-03-2012, 08:15 PM

+1 for counselling and acquiring conflict resolution skills.

parm104 · 02-03-2012, 09:06 PM

You've kinda been a dick for a while now (whether intentionally or not.) A few times is maybe okay (many guys don't even slip up and do that at all) but you continuously did it KNOWING that your actions would affect her and possibly hurt her.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how she feels...

- Why is he doing this?
- Does he not like me?
- Am I not good enough for him?
- What's wrong with me?
- Am I a bad GF?
- Am I not as attractive as these other girls...

And that just touches the surfaces of the things that might've been going through her head. She may have gotten to a point where she became used to these actions and overtime became emotionally distant. In return, things that probably didn't bug her before, are now starting to bug her and they seem trivial. But if you had your ducks in order, didn't mess shit up cheating and flirting with other girls, she probably wouldn't take up issues with these trivial, small things.

Look @ it this way. Relationships are like being on a teeter-totter. If you're both not on at the same time, one person is just going to be sitting alone and not going to be able to move anywhere. However, if you're both giving equal amount of energy and commitment, then you'll be able to have some fun and go somewhere with it. After while, she probably realized she's not getting out as much as she's putting in (that's what she said!)

At this point, I THINK you need to stop and think about things. Figure out what YOU WANT. Do you want to be in this? Are you just in it for the sake of being in it? Because if you don't you need to man up and say something than keep causing this girl hurt and pain for no reason. If you DO, then again, you need to man up, turn a new leaf and become a little more sensitive and considerate of her feelings and then prove that it's not just an act and that it's a consistent change towards positive behavior.

My 3 cents...

El Bastardo · 02-06-2012, 08:32 AM

The following is a reply from the anonymous member

thank you everyone for the suggestion on counselling, we have started to go weekly

!Yaminashi - the ones i talked to are both younger and older than i am, but neither have been in a serious relationship so its hard for them to understand

parm104 - at this point its really hard to see what either of us want for the relationship, but my goal right now is to help her with all the pain I have caused.

I have tried to do everything i can to show her that I am sorry and am trying to change my ways. I try not only to verbally apologize, but actually show her through actions, does anyone have any suggestions on how to show i really am sorry?

Psykopathik · 02-16-2012, 10:17 AM

keep this in mind. you've chosen to be with her.

she should be the only woman on your mind ESPECIALLY when shes around.

you flirt cuz it makes you feel good, but you already have someone who wants you. isn't that enough? if not, time to hit the road.

good on you to go for therapy tho. shows effort and a willingness to make changes.

want to show how sorry you are? don't EVER do it again. Make her feel special every day.

Noir · 02-17-2012, 10:38 AM

Serious answer:

You totally should fucked that other girl and not tell your wife about it. (now you're stuck totally paying for something that you barely even did).

This is how it's done. Your not the first married guy (or in a relationship) or the last one that will slip. We don't fuck around because we're not in love... it's just our human nature at times that we have moments of weakness where we fall back to our basic instincts; just an itch that needs to be scratched so to speak.

It's douchey, it's the dark side of long-term relationships, its the ugly truth of monogamy that people don't like to speak about or deny that this is a common occurence, or even a natural one.

Its wrong and we know it but it still happens. No one just talks about it, but you just did. You're life would've been fine if you had cajones to keep your mouth shut. Would've saved your wife some grief too if you had just left her oblivious to it and kept it in the past where it belongs.

Anyways: just to be clear, I'm not saying cheating is good. I'm just saying if you're going to do something wrong, do it right. And BTW, I'm not judging you because you slipped up in your relationship. I've been there too and there are more of us than you think. Maybe.. more than even girls think.

bigzz786786 · 02-17-2012, 01:06 PM

^do you not understand what OP said? Imotional cheating is a real thing and it hurts people

OP, there are ways to make it up to her. Most importantly you keep saying your sorry, every chance you can, you say your sorry. Then after she gets mad at you for saying sorry all the time, you say your sorry for saying your sorry.

the cold truth is, your never going to be done apologizing, its an on going process and you need to understand what your going to have to do to stay with her (if thats whats you want).

buy her flowers every now and then, write a card saying something like "just because its monday, i love you". Its the tiniest attention to details that makes her love you. In the first year or two we pay every little attention to our significant other and thats what makes them fall in love with us, but then we get comfortable and start paying less attention; the second that happens, they know.

right now your at a point where she feels you dont try at all, and that she feels because you are not trying she thinks you dont care about her anymore. You have more fun with friends who are girls then you and her have together in a very long time. That is emotional cheating, its a long and torturous feeling and it hurts as much as physical cheating. She feels betrayed and very alone

remind her everyday that you love her. Hug her a little bit longer before you go to work, kiss her goodnight every night. Txt her every now and then just cause you want to say hi. Get back to the feeling you had in the first year and pay attention to every detail.

if you truly love someone then you will do everything you possibly can to stay with her. Every couple goes through this, but not everybody can get out of there comfort zone that they have created for themselves.

hope this helps. It helped me.
Posted via RS Mobile