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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 03-20-2012, 10:20 AM   #1
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[Confidential] No physical intimacy, what to do?

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me

I have been with my s/o for over half a year now and the relationship is great in every area but one. The physical portion of the relationship seems to have become non-existent.

At the beginning, like in most relationships, there was more than enough to keep any man satisfied. As time drew on it became less and less frequent to the point of once ever 1-2 weeks.
We do live together and have for some time now. So I don't think it is an issue of not having enough time or not seeing one another often enough.

My s/o has a lot going on in there life right now and I know it causes issues in the relationship as your mind can be somewhere else.
After discussing this with my s/o I was told that there was little to no desire to be physical at this point in time (referring to the relationship, not that exact moment in time).
Its not to say that when the urge is there that we don't get physical, but for my s/o the urge seems to be gone where it was very much there before.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do here? I don't want to force her into a situation where she doesn't feel comfortable or is feeling forced to do something to keep me happy. With the way things have been going it has been hard to feel close to her in the relationship with the lack of physical affection.

Looking for some quality advice, please keep it serious.

Thanks.

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Old 03-20-2012, 10:33 AM   #2
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do you keep her happy? take her out on dates, get her flowers, treat her right??

sometimes she doesnt want to give you what you want because you dont make her feel "special" so why should she

do you straight up tell her that you have needs too?

do you make the attempt to get her into the mood?? some girls need to be put in the mood and cant just be in the mood with the flick of a switch like men can

its a tough spot, that has been brought up many times in the forums

goodluck
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Old 03-20-2012, 10:58 AM   #3
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buddy, my gf and I are at the same page. dated for 8 months we don't live together but here's some history.

we both came from power dating multiple people so while the first few months was jut amazingly crazy getting hot and heavy, it has come to a point where the chemistry is not there as much.

Sex becomes less and less, it's similar to like being married. My sex drive is off the charts and hers is not even close to mind. Work and busy lifestyles definitely gets in the way.

go read the book "the male brain" and the "female brain" and you'll get a better concept on how to handle with the issue.
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:38 AM   #4
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In my experience, if a woman loses an interest in being initimate physically (sex, cuddling, etc.), then she has lost interest in you. Being tired and busy is just an excuse. In fact, physical initmacy should be something that she looks forward to at the end of a long day. Sure you need to do your part and turn her on, but it's not really that hard - touch her in the right places, say the right things, and it should be easy-peasy. The sex won't always be good, but she at least will do her part.

I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like your relationship is more or less finished.
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Old 03-20-2012, 11:49 AM   #5
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No offense..but you guys are moving way too quickly in this relationship IMO. Half a year (or just over as you mentioned) and you guys already live together? Not saying this is the end result (or fault of any of you) of the sexless relationship..but I think it plays a part in it. Typically a relationship doesn't have a turning point of whether you stay or leave until the 4th month mark becauses that's when you have a more basic knowledge of who this person is and out of the "honeymoon" phase. Obviously the relationship was super amazing beforehand because you both didn't really know one another and everything was still relatively fresh.

I don't know the history you 2 have (friends before..dating before becoming a couple...??) but chances are...the relationship is already on its last string and she's reeling back her intimacy levels to clear her mind on whether she she sees you in her future or not. Personal issues can be a factor but what is the extent of it? School...work...family....?
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:27 PM   #6
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In my experience, if a woman loses an interest in being initimate physically (sex, cuddling, etc.), then she has lost interest in you. Posted via RS Mobile
Not entirely true.. I have dry spells that can go upwards of a month. It just happens that one of us is really busy with work/school or something else. My relationship is strong even after (almost) 5 years.

This happens and it's not a big deal. For me anyways.

Oh I misread your post. I thought it was just sex. We cuddle al the time lol.

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Old 03-20-2012, 12:40 PM   #7
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I'd like the OP to answer 1 question:

Do YOU always initiate sex? I've learned foreplay is always nice, but I won't even push for sex. Even though I might have the crazy desire, I don't push. Eventually the foreplay is going to do either 1 of 2 things.

A.) Make her initiate (love THAT!)
B.) Make her so angry she says something about it.. (initiate conversion about it, always good aswell)

It's priorities.. if you love her, and like being around her.. your willing to try anything to stay with her.

@Tapioca: I must be the exception. I've made compromises but still have fun 1-2 times a week. Before she would just "give it to me" and now she enjoys the fuck outta it again... just like the "honeymoon" stage. =P
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Old 03-20-2012, 12:52 PM   #8
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As time drew on it became less and less frequent to the point of once ever 1-2 weeks.
once a week really doesn't sound too bad...
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:15 PM   #9
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For the record, I have mainly dated women in their late 20s and 30s. Women in their early 20s or teens may not actually enjoy sex because they are not comfortable with their bodies or they use sex as a tool of power over men. I've never lived with a woman before, but each time I've seen a woman I've dated or been in a relationship with, we've always found the time and energy to have sex. And if they weren't physically able because they were on their cycle, then at least we would mess around.

Women in their 30s know their bodies, and know what they like. If they're attracted to you, they will have sex with you - it's as simple as that.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:23 PM   #10
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The following is a reply from the anonymous member

She tells me any time I bring anything up with regards to the relationship she tells me that this is the best relationship she has ever been in.
She tells me that I do far more than I need to.
She has a child so date nights are not as frequent as we would like but we do go out on dates when time/budget allows.
I do get her flowers from time to time, just so she knows that I think about her and that she matters to me. She always says that its a waste of money to buy flowers but I just like doing something for her that shows her I care.
I think I treat her right, she tells me I do but I'm always open to suggestions on how to improve upon myself or the things I do so I often ask her this.

Its not that she doesn't want to give me what I want, she always wants to make me happy. Its just not there for her right now and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I have told her exactly what I need in the relationship when it comes to physical needs. Its not just sex, even just sitting next to one another, holding hands....just physically touching or being touched.

It is hard to get her in the mood IMO. I do my best to get her there but it often changes depending on her mood. Being that she has a child she is often very tired at the end of the day so im sure this accounts for some of her lack of interest, but it leave me feeling like something is missing.

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Originally Posted by gdoh View Post
do you keep her happy? take her out on dates, get her flowers, treat her right??

sometimes she doesnt want to give you what you want because you dont make her feel "special" so why should she

do you straight up tell her that you have needs too?

do you make the attempt to get her into the mood?? some girls need to be put in the mood and cant just be in the mood with the flick of a switch like men can

its a tough spot, that has been brought up many times in the forums

goodluck
I will check out those books for sure. Thanks,


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buddy, my gf and I are at the same page. dated for 8 months we don't live together but here's some history.

we both came from power dating multiple people so while the first few months was jut amazingly crazy getting hot and heavy, it has come to a point where the chemistry is not there as much.

Sex becomes less and less, it's similar to like being married. My sex drive is off the charts and hers is not even close to mind. Work and busy lifestyles definitely gets in the way.

go read the book "the male brain" and the "female brain" and you'll get a better concept on how to handle with the issue.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:37 PM   #11
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Ok.... I'd like to be clear and hope that was a respone... right Tachy? (LOL!)

I'd also like to ask how old is this women? I was under the assumption of mid 20's.. I was also under the assumption of this was regarding sex.. if she doesn't even want to TOUCH YOU.. somethings wrong man.

She either doesn't feel comfertable around you, or because she has a child, she doesn't want it to get too serious. My 0.02 cents.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:45 PM   #12
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dude she has a child......take it from a guy who knows by experience...having children means having no secksi time..... sad but true fact. If you want to get it back look to having lots quality time and lots of cuddling you're gonna have to work on the romance part of the relationship. Don't forget secksi time is only supposed to be 10% of the relationship....or so i've been told

Do stuff randomly like walk up kiss her and smell her hair, and if she asks why tell her you just want to have her scent to take you through the day....

arrange a date night which includes the kid or better yet deal with all the kid stuff and if she asks why you're doing it just tell her you want to watch a movie you downloaded with her and wanted to get the kid all ready to bed so you would be able to (just make sure its a chickflick and make homemade popcorn! )

then after SMACK DAT AZZZZZZZ MUAHAHAHAHAHAH.......sorry ignore that... i just got carried away there.
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Old 03-20-2012, 01:55 PM   #13
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So this topic has been covered in the past and I wrote a long response, so I will try to give the cole's notes version.

In my life, I have been in 2 serious, long-term, marriage-type relationships (one was 9 years and currently almost 4 years). I have lived with both and moved in within a couple months of dating for both. I do not think that living together plays a part in the loss of sex drive. I think it has to do with chemistry.

Let me preface this by saying that, yes- work, family, friends, money, health, other stresses, weather, etc can ALL effect the amount of sex you have with your S.O. Issues like these come and go and sometimes it is like riding a rollercoaster. Sometime she is up, and you are down...sometimes you are up and she is down. When you have a serious relationship, this is all apart of the deal.

Now, chemistry can mean different things. You can have great conversations, lots of laughs, similar interests and goals, etc chemistry...it isn't always about having that "I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you on the coffee table" type chemistry. But some times when one type of chemistry suffers, it takes the other one down......or it could mean that you are either "friends" or "fuck buddies".

You need to have both (IMHO) to have a well-rounded great relationship. Now, these don't always need to be perfect all the time, because lets face it...there are a lot of variables.

With my first relationship (9 years), I was that girl. Sex was fine for the first 6 months-year, but after that...I could really care less. There were a lot of dynamics in that relationship that lead to that (no conversation, okay laughs, somewhat similar interests, no common goals, and I was very much his "mother"). We became friends/room mates who would fuck every 2-3 months so I wouldnt feel bad. There was little to no physical content in regards to cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc...It effected us immeasurably and eventually lead to the demise.

The second relationship (current) is different...we have chemistry on all levels...intellectually, conversely, we have great laughs, similar goals, etc....but we also have great sexual chemistry. Now, I am not saying we don't have times where we dont have sex for a couple weeks due to work, family (deaths, cancers, etc...), illness, tiredness, etc...BUT we are still affectionate (cuddling, watching movies together, kissing, hand holding, etc).

Lot of shit in life can muddle sex in a relationship and get in the way...the thing that still needs to be there is some level of intimacy and affection. If not feeling of resentment and being taken for granted come up and that is never a good sign.

You have done the right thing and already talked to her about it, but maybe you need to tell her how it makes you feel. It is not just about sex....its about feeling wanted and desired. Relationships are work and she will need to put forth an effort.

Unfortunately, if things don't change....or start to change, it may be time to re-evaluate you relationship. I am never a proponent of just giving up and breaking up...but coming from someone who was in a similar situation for 9 years, I wish I had dealt with the issue earlier on.

You guys may have fallen into a "friend-zone" which is never good...something about your chemistry isn't right.

If talking to her directly doesn't work...would you consider a couple's counselor? Maybe a counselor could provoke a conversation that hasn't been had?

Also, please don't go looking for affection elsewhere. If you can going to move on or thinking about it, wrap this relationship up first.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:12 PM   #14
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To the OP:

I had a brief fling with a single mother who had so much going on in her life that it made my head spin (which explains why I ended things.) At the end of the day, despite all of the stuff she had to deal with, she still wanted to jump my bones and be initimate with me.

She is telling you that this is the best relationship she's been in because you're a reliable, regular guy unlike the father of her child. She probably wants a stable presence like you in her life, but her heart doesn't yearn for you. If she is unwilling to accomodate your needs at least to some degree, then she shouldn't be seeking male companionship until she is ready to make that commitment.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:29 PM   #15
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^ this exactly,

single mom dude,

a) why the hell are you living with her and her child? shame on her for moving in so quickly, its toxic to the child to see a different father figure every 6 months.

b) you are stable, im sure you pay half the bills or more. More than anything il bet your making her life WAY easier by just being there, she probably doesnt have chemistry towards you, she isnt sure what to do because on the one hand, you are helping her with everything, but she doesnt feel it for you,

so does she end it and walk away? meaning life would be more difficult financially for her and her kid,

or does she stick it out with you, have sex with you once in a while to keep you at bay, for the security and sake of her child?,

id think long and hard before you go any further down this road.

also, god forbid you commonlaw with her without a pre-nup, if you guys seperate later down the road, she can get you for child support eventhough its not even your kid.
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:34 PM   #16
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Ok.... I'd like to be clear and hope that was a respone... right Tachy? (LOL!)
Thats my bad. No, I don't have a kid.. anymore. But that Code Adam stuff they pull at the mall is bullshit. You can rent movies, and you can rent cars, but you can't try out a kid for a day to see what it would like being a dad? Hello Communist Canada.


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We have talked about it and she is happy with use, she is confident in the relationship. She loves me, I love her and she shows me this often.
Being tired and busy are excuses but sometimes valid ones. On a daily basis we have a total of maybe 2 hours to ourselves when the child is in bed and we can spend some time together.
We both enjoy relaxing and winding down from our days witch by the end of that 2 hours we are both falling asleep.

I don't know if I do the things she wants me to to get her in the mood. He likes to be taken control of but I am not really like that so much. I have my moments but not overly aggressive. I guess that may be something to try.

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In my experience, if a woman loses an interest in being initimate physically (sex, cuddling, etc.), then she has lost interest in you. Being tired and busy is just an excuse. In fact, physical initmacy should be something that she looks forward to at the end of a long day. Sure you need to do your part and turn her on, but it's not really that hard - touch her in the right places, say the right things, and it should be easy-peasy. The sex won't always be good, but she at least will do her part.

I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like your relationship is more or less finished.
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Yes, things moved VERY fast but we do have a past. One in which we dated years ago but we ended up going seperate ways. Life seems to have brought us back together and I really want to make this work. I love her more than I could ever explain. We have been together, and happy, for almost 8 months.

Personal issues are family related and things from the past. I wont go into it but it is a heavy burden for her and often times brings her to tears, sometimes hysterically so.

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No offense..but you guys are moving way too quickly in this relationship IMO. Half a year (or just over as you mentioned) and you guys already live together? Not saying this is the end result (or fault of any of you) of the sexless relationship..but I think it plays a part in it. Typically a relationship doesn't have a turning point of whether you stay or leave until the 4th month mark becauses that's when you have a more basic knowledge of who this person is and out of the "honeymoon" phase. Obviously the relationship was super amazing beforehand because you both didn't really know one another and everything was still relatively fresh.

I don't know the history you 2 have (friends before..dating before becoming a couple...??) but chances are...the relationship is already on its last string and she's reeling back her intimacy levels to clear her mind on whether she she sees you in her future or not. Personal issues can be a factor but what is the extent of it? School...work...family....?

We do cuddle often, i often hold her hand when driving. We hug often. Always falls asleep in my arms every night. Its not that there is nothing there at all, it is lacking to the point that it makes me worry.

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Not entirely true.. I have dry spells that can go upwards of a month. It just happens that one of us is really busy with work/school or something else. My relationship is strong even after (almost) 5 years.

This happens and it's not a big deal. For me anyways.

Oh I misread your post. I thought it was just sex. We cuddle al the time lol.

Honestly, I rarely initiate it. I often times try to wait for the opertune moments rather than take control. I guess I feel nervous about it a bit with her. Not normal for me that's for sure.
I never push her for sex, I want it to be a two sided thing. Im not there just to get off, its more than that.

I will do whatever it takes to make this work I just need some insight to understand why it would change, why a woman who shows me unconditional love will not show it physically as often as she and I feel it should be. Very confusing situation.

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I'd like the OP to answer 1 question:

Do YOU always initiate sex? I've learned foreplay is always nice, but I won't even push for sex. Even though I might have the crazy desire, I don't push. Eventually the foreplay is going to do either 1 of 2 things.

A.) Make her initiate (love THAT!)
B.) Make her so angry she says something about it.. (initiate conversion about it, always good aswell)

It's priorities.. if you love her, and like being around her.. your willing to try anything to stay with her.

@Tapioca: I must be the exception. I've made compromises but still have fun 1-2 times a week. Before she would just "give it to me" and now she enjoys the fuck outta it again... just like the "honeymoon" stage. =P

Its not BAD, its just becoming less and less. Just not looking forward to the 3-4 week dry spells if it continues along these lines. To give some perspective, it was usually 6-8 times a week for quite some time. Things have changed for both of us in life and things are different now that cause us both to have less time and energy.....but for me I can ALWAYS muster energy to get my lady off :P
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once a week really doesn't sound too bad...

We are both in our mid-late 20's and comfortable with the whole sex thing. She is an amazingly strong and confident woman. Best person I have ever meet and the one I hope to marry.
Attraction is not the issue I dont think. I am often reminded how good looking I am to her and I always let her know how I feel about her.
Maybe I am expecting to much?
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For the record, I have mainly dated women in their late 20s and 30s. Women in their early 20s or teens may not actually enjoy sex because they are not comfortable with their bodies or they use sex as a tool of power over men. I've never lived with a woman before, but each time I've seen a woman I've dated or been in a relationship with, we've always found the time and energy to have sex. And if they weren't physically able because they were on their cycle, then at least we would mess around.

Women in their 30s know their bodies, and know what they like. If they're attracted to you, they will have sex with you - it's as simple as that.
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She is in her mid-late 20's as am I.
It is mainly just the sex thing because we do touch and hold hands. Its not a cold wall between us.....not yet, but this is why I want to nip it in the but.
We live together so serious is not the issue I dont think. I am with her child on a daily basis. I am more of a father to it than its real father. I would love to call her my own but we are not at that point of the relationship.

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I'd also like to ask how old is this women? I was under the assumption of mid 20's.. I was also under the assumption of this was regarding sex.. if she doesn't even want to TOUCH YOU.. somethings wrong man.

She either doesn't feel comfertable around you, or because she has a child, she doesn't want it to get too serious. My 0.02 cents.

Hahaha....so I have been told.
I'm all about the romance but it can be hard to do as often as I want as we are on a tight budget and don't have a heck of a lot of time.

I kiss her all the time, walk up behind her when she is cooking and just hug her and kiss her neck. I always get the hug back. I tell her every day how beautiful she is and how amazing of a mother she is.
We often go out as a family to do things. Go to breakfast/lunch/dinner together. We watch movies together often but I'm afraid that it will become stale and boring to her.

When we do get physical its great. She is into it, I am into it and its not your 5min thing....its often a very well rounded event. But I just feel like it is slipping and I don't want that. I feel distance between us when we aren't intimate for a while and I tell her this....she just says "then take me to the room and do it"......I know everyone will say "SO DO IT" but sometimes its not easy to just do that. I dont want to feel like I am using her for sex because I love her and she is so much more to me than sex.
[QUOTE=mk1freak;7855863]dude she has a child......take it from a guy who knows by experience...having children means having no secksi time..... sad but true fact. If you want to get it back look to having lots quality time and lots of cuddling you're gonna have to work on the romance part of the relationship. Don't forget secksi time is only supposed to be 10% of the relationship....or so i've been told

Do stuff randomly like walk up kiss her and smell her hair, and if she asks why tell her you just want to have her scent to take you through the day....

arrange a date night which includes the kid or better yet deal with all the kid stuff and if she asks why you're doing it just tell her you want to watch a movie you downloaded with her and wanted to get the kid all ready to bed so you would be able to (just make sure its a chickflick and make homemade popcorn! )

then after SMACK DAT AZZZZZZZ MUAHAHAHAHAHAH.......sorry ignore that... i just got carried away there.
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Old 03-20-2012, 05:38 PM   #17
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I fear that she may not feel that chemistry towards me like she once did. Some days are great, others not so great. I just don't know how to take it all in without it making my head explode.
I've told her before that I think these things and want to hear what she has to say, she assures me every time that the relationship is the last thing I need to be worried about. That we are great and that its just stuff she needs to figure out in her own head.
I dont want to be selfish and demand what I want. I want to give her the time to figure out what it is she has going on but I feel secondary to it all sometimes.

What throws me is we are still affectionate. For instance last weekend we hung out with friends and we were holding hands, whispering comments to each other, she told me how hot I looked, lots of hugging and kissing. We did have sex as well....but the weekend ended and it feels like I am part of a different world all of a sudden.

I wish it were easier to reply to these and talk to someone I can trust and who would understand

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Originally Posted by dinosaur View Post
So this topic has been covered in the past and I wrote a long response, so I will try to give the cole's notes version.

In my life, I have been in 2 serious, long-term, marriage-type relationships (one was 9 years and currently almost 4 years). I have lived with both and moved in within a couple months of dating for both. I do not think that living together plays a part in the loss of sex drive. I think it has to do with chemistry.

Let me preface this by saying that, yes- work, family, friends, money, health, other stresses, weather, etc can ALL effect the amount of sex you have with your S.O. Issues like these come and go and sometimes it is like riding a rollercoaster. Sometime she is up, and you are down...sometimes you are up and she is down. When you have a serious relationship, this is all apart of the deal.

Now, chemistry can mean different things. You can have great conversations, lots of laughs, similar interests and goals, etc chemistry...it isn't always about having that "I want to rip your clothes off and fuck you on the coffee table" type chemistry. But some times when one type of chemistry suffers, it takes the other one down......or it could mean that you are either "friends" or "fuck buddies".

You need to have both (IMHO) to have a well-rounded great relationship. Now, these don't always need to be perfect all the time, because lets face it...there are a lot of variables.

With my first relationship (9 years), I was that girl. Sex was fine for the first 6 months-year, but after that...I could really care less. There were a lot of dynamics in that relationship that lead to that (no conversation, okay laughs, somewhat similar interests, no common goals, and I was very much his "mother"). We became friends/room mates who would fuck every 2-3 months so I wouldnt feel bad. There was little to no physical content in regards to cuddling, kissing, holding hands, etc...It effected us immeasurably and eventually lead to the demise.

The second relationship (current) is different...we have chemistry on all levels...intellectually, conversely, we have great laughs, similar goals, etc....but we also have great sexual chemistry. Now, I am not saying we don't have times where we dont have sex for a couple weeks due to work, family (deaths, cancers, etc...), illness, tiredness, etc...BUT we are still affectionate (cuddling, watching movies together, kissing, hand holding, etc).

Lot of shit in life can muddle sex in a relationship and get in the way...the thing that still needs to be there is some level of intimacy and affection. If not feeling of resentment and being taken for granted come up and that is never a good sign.

You have done the right thing and already talked to her about it, but maybe you need to tell her how it makes you feel. It is not just about sex....its about feeling wanted and desired. Relationships are work and she will need to put forth an effort.

Unfortunately, if things don't change....or start to change, it may be time to re-evaluate you relationship. I am never a proponent of just giving up and breaking up...but coming from someone who was in a similar situation for 9 years, I wish I had dealt with the issue earlier on.

You guys may have fallen into a "friend-zone" which is never good...something about your chemistry isn't right.

If talking to her directly doesn't work...would you consider a couple's counselor? Maybe a counselor could provoke a conversation that hasn't been had?

Also, please don't go looking for affection elsewhere. If you can going to move on or thinking about it, wrap this relationship up first.
This, I fear may be the case as well with me. I hope to god that it is not, but in the beginning I got jumped all the time. It was great. We were all over eachother.
Now not much from her. I know that in the beginning there is more lust for one another but maybe I expect to much from her?

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Originally Posted by Tapioca View Post
To the OP:

I had a brief fling with a single mother who had so much going on in her life that it made my head spin (which explains why I ended things.) At the end of the day, despite all of the stuff she had to deal with, she still wanted to jump my bones and be initimate with me.

She is telling you that this is the best relationship she's been in because you're a reliable, regular guy unlike the father of her child. She probably wants a stable presence like you in her life, but her heart doesn't yearn for you. If she is unwilling to accomodate your needs at least to some degree, then she shouldn't be seeking male companionship until she is ready to make that commitment.
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a) I agree with the seeing a new "daddy" often is not good for the child. And that was a huge concern for both of us at the beginning. But my plan was not to just hit it and run, I have been in love with this girl for a number of years now, just never worked out that we could be together. I love her, I want to spend my life with her. (this is not deduced over 8 months, rather almost 7 years)

b) I am stable and reliable, i do pay my share of the bills but she pulls her weight too. I've told her before (possibly a bad thing) that if we were to split that I would help her for a reasonable amount of time until she finds some place she can afford.

I love her child, like my own. I would not want to take her out of my life even if we didn't work out.

Its very easy to look in and see that what I may say is insane and illogical, but I love them both and want the best for them even if that best is not me.
[QUOTE=Glove;7855908]^ this exactly,

single mom dude,

a) why the hell are you living with her and her child? shame on her for moving in so quickly, its toxic to the child to see a different father figure every 6 months.

b) you are stable, im sure you pay half the bills or more. More than anything il bet your making her life WAY easier by just being there, she probably doesnt have chemistry towards you, she isnt sure what to do because on the one hand, you are helping her with everything, but she doesnt feel it for you,

so does she end it and walk away? meaning life would be more difficult financially for her and her kid,

or does she stick it out with you, have sex with you once in a while to keep you at bay, for the security and sake of her child?,

id think long and hard before you go any further down this road.

also, god forbid you commonlaw with her without a pre-nup, if you guys seperate later down the road, she can get you for child support eventhough its not even your kid.
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Old 03-20-2012, 08:49 PM   #18
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I don't think you are asking for much. I think she has maybe become to comfortable and unconsciously is taking you for granted.

She says you have nothing to worry about and that the relationship is fine...but it is not. Re-evaluating your relationship and contemplating a break-up is always more difficult when there is no BIG reason to do so....by BIG, I mean cheating, lying, drugs, abuse, etc...Some times there is no real reason to break-up but on the other side, there is no reason to stay together. These type of break-ups, IMO, are a lot more difficult....especially when there is a child (yours or not) involved. Some relationships just fizzle slowly and you don't realize it until it is almost done.

You are right in assuming that she may not feel the chemistry with you....it may hurt you to hear that or realize it, but I think it is a case where you are a nice, stable, caring guy who is there for her and her child and she is enjoying it. I do not think she is aware of what she is doing, but in a way she is taking advantage of it. Is she aware of how serious you are about this? I do not encourage, in any way, that you drop an ultimatum on her (sex or break-up) and you do not appear to be a guy like that, but maybe she isn't truly understanding your overwhelming frustration. She may just be too comfortable.

I really understand what you are going through...I may not have been in you exact position, but I was in a relationship like yours. I knew what was happening and I knew there was no chemistry, but I also knew that a break-up after years and years is VERY difficult. I didn't do the right thing and have a serious, honest conversation with him and I didn't have enough balls to call it what it was (in reality, a friendship with the odd fuck and daily 'goodnight' kiss). After 9 years, he got so frustrated he busted a nut in another chick and the relationship ended pretty damn quickly. In the end, I wasn't sad or upset at all...but, I was mad at myself for knowing what was happening for years and never dealing with it.

Soon, I think you will get to the point where you stop caring. You will stay for the kid, or because you are a nice guy, and end up wanting to blow your fucking brains out until some little chicky shakes her tail-feather in your face and you will pounce. Then, you will be "that guy".

Don't be "that guy".

Face up to what is happening and tell her e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g....even if you know it will hurt. Tell her the relationship needs help and that you need to speak to a professional.

Do the hardest part now...not when your shit is being tossed out a window.
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:46 AM   #19
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I don't care who you date, why you are dating and who she is. You can date a midget or any single moms for all I care. The bottom line, you're not getting the affectionate side from you.

For my girl, she is also like that too. I had a long talk with her and it's been tough. I am at the SAME boat as you so I can honestly say it really bothers me too. She says she loves me, the best relationship ever... etc. I'm scared she wants me because she knows I'm the best she has ever had however, she's just doesn't have that chemistry with me.
It's always at the back of my mind.

A few things, 1) I told her to go off the pill 2) I told her i won't ever push her for sex 3) I did notice and she did tell me this is the FIRST time ever having to show her feelings and emotions.

Even though she had been thru a lot and really changed to show her feelings, I'm still not feelings it. I don't know what I should do too. Thanks for bringing this up man.
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Old 03-21-2012, 07:59 AM   #20
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Serious answer:

If you have no intention of letting her go, and she has no intention of upkeeping her maintenance obligations, I would just get some on the side. Just play it safe when you're getting someone else to scratch your back.
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Old 03-21-2012, 09:06 AM   #21
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Chicks always use the "the pill is affecting my mood" exuse,

me and my gf have been together for 6 years,

around year 3/4 we ran into this same problem, she tried changing pills and what not.

Just wasnt working out, sex became like once a month.

We changed it up and went to the taboo show that comes to Van once a year, we bought her some toys and some outfits and a bunch of other fun stuff we could use.

The sex is now better than ever, and more frequent than ever. You gotta make it fun for them, let them dress up n shit, they like all that crap, whereas we just wanna get in there.

I dont know why you guys are having this problem after month 6? seems too soon to be out of the honeymoon phase already.
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Old 03-21-2012, 09:46 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glove View Post
We changed it up and went to the taboo show that comes to Van once a year, xwe bought her some toys and some outfits and a bunch of other fun stuff we could use.

The sex is now better than ever, and more frequent than ever. You gotta make it fun for them, let them dress up n shit, they like all that crap, whereas we just wanna get in there.
I almost got freaked out reading this and seeing your avatar + profile name afterwards. lol your post just made me creatively perverted for the moment.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:48 AM   #23
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Apologies if u have already answered this, but you mentioned that there was a lot on her mind. Have u sat down and talked about what's bothering her? Personally I hate it when so's say that the problems are personal and they don't want to burden you with their problems because the latter is exactly what ends up happening! Their problems overwhelm them and that results in stress and problems in the relationship and a decrease in the quality of our lives. Judging by how you feel for each other and where you want this relationship to go, I think she needs to share her problems and confide in you and you need to take on some of the burden that's weighing her down. Even if you aren't able to help her solve anything, at least you can stop playing the guessing game and driving yourself insane with theories and talking things out will make her feel better.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:54 AM   #24
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The following is a reply from the anonymous member

Quote:
Originally Posted by dinosaur View Post
I don't think you are asking for much. I think she has maybe become to comfortable and unconsciously is taking you for granted.

She says you have nothing to worry about and that the relationship is fine...but it is not. Re-evaluating your relationship and contemplating a break-up is always more difficult when there is no BIG reason to do so....by BIG, I mean cheating, lying, drugs, abuse, etc...Some times there is no real reason to break-up but on the other side, there is no reason to stay together. These type of break-ups, IMO, are a lot more difficult....especially when there is a child (yours or not) involved. Some relationships just fizzle slowly and you don't realize it until it is almost done.

You are right in assuming that she may not feel the chemistry with you....it may hurt you to hear that or realize it, but I think it is a case where you are a nice, stable, caring guy who is there for her and her child and she is enjoying it. I do not think she is aware of what she is doing, but in a way she is taking advantage of it. Is she aware of how serious you are about this? I do not encourage, in any way, that you drop an ultimatum on her (sex or break-up) and you do not appear to be a guy like that, but maybe she isn't truly understanding your overwhelming frustration. She may just be too comfortable.

I really understand what you are going through...I may not have been in you exact position, but I was in a relationship like yours. I knew what was happening and I knew there was no chemistry, but I also knew that a break-up after years and years is VERY difficult. I didn't do the right thing and have a serious, honest conversation with him and I didn't have enough balls to call it what it was (in reality, a friendship with the odd fuck and daily 'goodnight' kiss). After 9 years, he got so frustrated he busted a nut in another chick and the relationship ended pretty damn quickly. In the end, I wasn't sad or upset at all...but, I was mad at myself for knowing what was happening for years and never dealing with it.

Soon, I think you will get to the point where you stop caring. You will stay for the kid, or because you are a nice guy, and end up wanting to blow your fucking brains out until some little chicky shakes her tail-feather in your face and you will pounce. Then, you will be "that guy".

Don't be "that guy".

Face up to what is happening and tell her e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g....even if you know it will hurt. Tell her the relationship needs help and that you need to speak to a professional.

Do the hardest part now...not when your shit is being tossed out a window.
I understand what you are saying and I do agree.
Things seem to have changed a bit in the relationship. We have had a few good talks and she has opened back up to me. She could not explain why she had become closed for a while other than to say that with everything else going on in her life she felt completely overwhelmed with life.
Shortly after these convos I was "jumped" by her and things were great.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 6793026 View Post
I don't care who you date, why you are dating and who she is. You can date a midget or any single moms for all I care. The bottom line, you're not getting the affectionate side from you.

For my girl, she is also like that too. I had a long talk with her and it's been tough. I am at the SAME boat as you so I can honestly say it really bothers me too. She says she loves me, the best relationship ever... etc. I'm scared she wants me because she knows I'm the best she has ever had however, she's just doesn't have that chemistry with me.
It's always at the back of my mind.

A few things, 1) I told her to go off the pill 2) I told her i won't ever push her for sex 3) I did notice and she did tell me this is the FIRST time ever having to show her feelings and emotions.

Even though she had been thru a lot and really changed to show her feelings, I'm still not feelings it. I don't know what I should do too. Thanks for bringing this up man.
It does suck. It puts thoughts in your mind about the relationship when there may be no need to think about it.
I think at times we both have moments where we are not interested in the physical thing and its on a mental level. But then we have times where we go at it like bunnies in heat. It really throws me for a loop some times.

The pill is not an excuse in our relationship as she is not on it.
I never push her for sex, ever, but I need to take control more because it is what she responds to the best.

If I can give some advice, it would be to talk to her more. Tell her exactly what you said here. Tell her how it makes you feel and the fears you have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noir View Post
Serious answer:

If you have no intention of letting her go, and she has no intention of upkeeping her maintenance obligations, I would just get some on the side. Just play it safe when you're getting someone else to scratch your back.
Not a chance. I love this girl and sex means more than just getting off to me. I would not be able to live with myself if I were to do that to her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Glove View Post
Chicks always use the "the pill is affecting my mood" exuse,

me and my gf have been together for 6 years,

around year 3/4 we ran into this same problem, she tried changing pills and what not.

Just wasnt working out, sex became like once a month.

We changed it up and went to the taboo show that comes to Van once a year, we bought her some toys and some outfits and a bunch of other fun stuff we could use.

The sex is now better than ever, and more frequent than ever. You gotta make it fun for them, let them dress up n shit, they like all that crap, whereas we just wanna get in there.

I dont know why you guys are having this problem after month 6? seems too soon to be out of the honeymoon phase already.
For me, I am not. I'm a hopeless romantic.....still get those butterflies but I have always been this way in a relationship.
For her it not the same, probably because we moved in together so soon and the relationship had had a very serious tone to it. We both know what we want out of the relationship and we often times talk about it.
Maybe we are just missing the fun side of things. It is much harder to get out and have fun on a regular basis when you have a little one but I like to try because when we are out having fun or doing things life is amazing. We are amazing together and we seem to show each other more love than we would otherwise.
Sex wise that may be something fun to do. I will see how she feels about that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alpine View Post
Apologies if u have already answered this, but you mentioned that there was a lot on her mind. Have u sat down and talked about what's bothering her? Personally I hate it when so's say that the problems are personal and they don't want to burden you with their problems because the latter is exactly what ends up happening! Their problems overwhelm them and that results in stress and problems in the relationship and a decrease in the quality of our lives. Judging by how you feel for each other and where you want this relationship to go, I think she needs to share her problems and confide in you and you need to take on some of the burden that's weighing her down. Even if you aren't able to help her solve anything, at least you can stop playing the guessing game and driving yourself insane with theories and talking things out will make her feel better.
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We have sat down and talked about everything that is going on in her life. Its hard for her to open up about stuff when she has many things going on in her life all at the same time. Often times it all mixes together and is hard to understand. But the last talk we had went very well, we were both very calm and she shared a lot with me. Helped me see what she was feeling and how it effected her.
My ultimate fear is what I may not be told the truth or there may be something to hide from me. That scares me the most....probably due to my last relationship where it was just a hot mess. I try not to let things from my past dictate how I feel about the present but the thoughts are harder to dismiss when you are not feeling 100% secure in the relationship.
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:16 PM   #25
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if intimacy is ur issue. i believe that u should try something out of the ordinary. she's prolly really used to everything u do that its become like a routine for her..

honest advice, do some research.. read about what pleasures a woman and how a woman thinks then apply it to ur woman as appropriately as u can..

im not even lying when i say watch porn, research on different positions, find out her fantasies..

if NONE of these work, ... then its either that she finds u physically repulsive or she has lost her sense of pleasure and libido
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