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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 04-21-2012, 10:31 AM   #1
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[Confidential] The girl's ex is trying to get back with her

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me

So recently I've been dating this girl and we aren't official yet, but we've been going out for about 3 weeks now. She's really comfortable around me and she says she likes me, but just a few days ago, her ex went up to her and asked her for another chance. She was with her ex for about 5 years before they broke up and in their relationship, they've been breaking up on and off.

Right now she really likes me but at the same time, she said she still has some feelings for her ex because it's hard to forget and just completely remove him from her life. After all, they have a 5 year history. I told her that a relationship like that would never work and no matter what he says now, it will never be the same. Her ex is saying stuff like "i'm changed, and i'll make you the happiest girl alive....etc" And of course, i really had to sell myself as well and i told her that i'm something new and that i can make her much more happy than her ex ever could.

so right now, here is my dilemma. obviously when i heard this, my heart sank. she really likes me but she's a softy. her ex basically begged her to get back with him and she's torn between me and him. what can i do in this situation right now? i told her that i would give her time and space if she needs it. i told her that i just want her to be happy and whoever she chooses, i'll be a good person about it. is there anything that i can do to make her choose me or should i just let her decide on her own? i really like this girl and havent' felt this way in a long time. i want to make sure i put up a fight and gave it my all, so that if she really did choose her ex, i can say i tried.

i have no idea how long i'll be waiting but she said she's really confused and will need time. she said that she doesn't know what to do and that she really likes me but she still has some feelings for her ex as well. what should i do?

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Old 04-21-2012, 10:39 AM   #2
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dont persuade her, let her choose for herself, you dont want her to choose you because she feels bad. To be honest i think she needs time for herself to figure things out. Having a girl who still has feelings for her ex is no good. Especially if its a recent break up.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:46 AM   #3
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be strong bro, like Arraadi said. Dont persuade her. Give her time and space. Act like you dont care, support her decision if she wants to get back with her ex. If you are a good guy, she will regret her decision and will eventually call you up one day.

I had an experience where I made a girl feel bad therefore she choose to get with me instead of her ex. I made her pick either she gets with me or im gone. Relationship wasnt as good. Always the thought that I pressured her to be my gf.

BE STRONG BRO
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:53 AM   #4
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Lemme tell you a story.

Years ago, when I first moved here, I was having a shit time finding a job. I finally get called into an interview at a fleabag hotel in Langley.

So I'm sitting there talking, and they are grilling me. I'm doing the best I can. They said I lived too far away...told them it wouldn't be a problem. I was too young..told them I'm mature for my age, and here's why. It went on like that for the longest time.

So they give me the job, as some type of trial run. So off I go. And wouldn't you know, any little mistake I made was a fine example of what they were talking about. There was a snow storm, that was to this day the worst I had seen in BC, so I couldn't make it to work, "oh, well we knew this was going to be a problem"

I had talked them into something, but their heart wasn't in it. So every little thing just emphasized their original assumption.

And dude, it's gonna happen to you.

You slip up, and her first thought is. "my ex wouldn't have done that...he's changed"

You are getting yourself involved in drama. I can handle a great amount of stuff when it comes to women...wanna take it slow, that's cool. I just got out of a relationship...that's fine.

But I won't, will not...NO baby...I will never play backup to some douche that you tried to make it work with for 5 goddamned years and still have some type of feelings for.

Hell no.

People looked at my current relationship as being fast...we were dating inside 2 weeks of the end of her 9 year relationship...moved in within 3 months.

Huge difference...there was never a doubt in my mind that it was done, that it was over and there was ZERO drama with the "should I/shouldn't I" bullshit. It was over and done and that was it. So with that, we decided that we had waited long enough...why waste more time.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:55 AM   #5
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Damn exact same situation happened to my friend. My friend (who was a girl), went out with a guy who recently broke up after 4 years of dating. He said he was completely over with his ex and that he was ready to move on. My friend eventually found out that he was still keeping close contact with his ex and their relationship was extremely sketchy. In my opinion the guy cheated on my friend; my friend found photos of them going to trip together to the US by themselves -.-.

Here is my advice to you. If the break-up was recent, I would not recommend you to engage in a serious relationship with her anytime soon. Keep your distance, and make sure that she has enough room to decide on her own. If she ends up going back to her ex, that was probably the way it was bound to go down anyways. Spend enough time with her and wait until she is completely done with her ex. As you can tell 5 years is a not a short time (1825 days she would have spent dating him). Unless the guy did some terrible shit to breakup with her, it's pretty clear that he still has a good amount of territory inside her mind.

Don't make yourself a victim to a rebound.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:05 AM   #6
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how long has it been since she last broke up with the ex? has it just been a few months?
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:17 AM   #7
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There's only two ways: Tell her to either move on completely or go back with her ex. I know she still has some feelings for her ex, but the point is, why did they break up in the first place after 5 years? 5 years is pretty steady and a tip, every time you break up and go back together like on/off, your feelings twindle and it won't be the same.

You can also ask her if her ex just wants her back just because he has no one else right now. What if he has someone else already in mind? Would he choose the same? Let her choose for herself, but questions like these you can ask yourself to understand more or ask her so she can decide for herself. Stay neutral but also be selfish. I'm not being a douche or anything but sometimes you have be an asshole to get what you want or at least try to because if you lose that chance, you may lose her forever.
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Old 04-21-2012, 03:57 PM   #8
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just do whatever your doing already.. dont change your routine with her just coz of her ex..

if you change your way, then its not you that she had feelings for and it will be hard to you to keep doing that... just be you...

just talk to her, try to get her to open up, talk about ther relationship with him, if you know they had a rocky past, see why that is and who was the problem.. girls want a guy who LISTENs... if you can do that, shes yours...
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:14 PM   #9
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What u should do is let her make her own decision. 5yrs with someone is a long time. How long was it since they broke up? Why did they break up? Did u have any part in it? Did u two meet during their relationship or after they broke up? Need more details, man. If u were they reason they broke up in the 1st place, u should stay away & find someone else without any baggage. But if u pursued her after they broke up, then let her decide what she really wants. Would u really want to be with someone that constantly thinks about another guy? And like what someone else above said, you don't want to be a rebound.
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Old 04-21-2012, 06:30 PM   #10
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^ Keep in mind, it's a 3 week "like" vs a 5yr "love"...
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:56 PM   #11
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The following is a reply from the anonymous member

she broke up with her ex about 3-4 months ago, and the reason was somewhat along the lines of him not thinking about their future.

i had nothing to do with their breakup and i didn't even meet her until a couple of months ago.

thanks for everyone's advice. it's heart wrenching, but i'm going to be normal and not mention the guy at all. i'll do everything that i normally do and just let her decide who she wants. it's true, the last thing i want is to be a rebound, which i believe i'm not, but who knows. i'm going to take this extra slow now. things were great until he came back asking for another chance. i'll just ride it out now.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:15 PM   #12
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Plenty of other chicks there, she doesn't deserve you if she has to choose. It should be an automatic yes or no.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:31 PM   #13
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In my own personal experience.
A scenario like this. If he keeps pursuing while you two try and start a relationship, there will be friction.
It'll result in a weak foundation, that can't be repaired, and the relationship won't last.
A girl who can't make up her mind? Not worth it.
The relationship won't last.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:33 PM   #14
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would you guys recommend the OP to step back a bit and stop seeing the girl until she sorts out her stuff with the ex or would you agree with the OP and continue to act normal/pursue her?
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Old 04-22-2012, 01:02 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yameen View Post
would you guys recommend the OP to step back a bit and stop seeing the girl until she sorts out her stuff with the ex or would you agree with the OP and continue to act normal/pursue her?
The fact that she needs to sort shit out means she's not ready to move on. OP should leave her, as painful as it may seem.

Come on, would you really wait around for a girl to figure out who she likes more? It's a lose-lose, even if she chooses you, you'll still wonder what the fuck took her so long to decide.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:39 AM   #16
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hey op, was in same situation but a bit different. Met a girl a month after she broke up with her 3 year relationship bf. I went out with her for a few months and she kept saying all these bad crap about her *like saying she is too clingy and she stopped acting clingy to me (which i dislike, she wasn't clingy enough) and he smokes i think* lets just say i dumped her ass and she went back with her ex. I guess i was a *rebound* since she just wanted sex/relationship as a filler to replace the void that is missing. (which is you). So OP should just GTFO now and find someone new (like me ! ) and her ex was ugly and doesn't even lift no wonder she kept telling me "why did you choose me" . Was odd that a pic of me with another girl was uploaded on fb and she changed her DP that shows her with her ex like if i already didn't know. bitchplease
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:47 AM   #17
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Quote:
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Plenty of other chicks there, she doesn't deserve you if she has to choose. It should be an automatic yes or no.
I disagree, I don't blame the girl for having some baggage and confusion after a relatively recent split from a 5 year relationship. In fact it'd throw up red flags if she didn't IMO. You'll lose out on so many opportunities if you think she doesn't deserve you over some left over feelings she may or may not have for her ex, but I totally agree with other posts that you shouldn't force her, and definitely don't give her any ultimatum BS.

If I were to put myself in her shoes I would have similar feelings of should've, would've, could've, second thoughts, etc. especially if I had invested 5 years of dedication into it. Moving on is never easy, and even though she hasn't committed to you fully at least she has shown significant interest. I really respect that she is open to you somewhat about her frustration, I know a lot of immature girls who would be conceited over shit like that.

I certainly don't think this relationship will be cursed from the start if it does work out in your favour, my current relationship of 2 years started with a lot of baggage from her side for months, ultimately it doesn't make a difference in the long run. If you can't overlook or have the patience to deal with her shit you are the one that doesn't deserve her.
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:59 AM   #18
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similar situation here...my current gf came out of a 7 year relationship months before i met her, and in the beginning when her ex found out that we were dating, he tried to ask her for another chance and started messaging her alot ..trying to bring back old memories and such...even though she told me he was a complete douche. This kinda bothered me so my gf decided to completely end ties with the dude because she knew it affected me. Ever since then it has been good.
good luck to the OP
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:23 AM   #19
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7 years.. that is hard to erase
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Old 04-24-2012, 07:29 AM   #20
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i feel for all u bros, a nobody vs a long long relationship, its a tough game to win
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:22 AM   #21
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Quote:
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Plenty of other chicks there, she doesn't deserve you if she has to choose. It should be an automatic yes or no.
I agree with this,

dude what the hell are you doing?

you'v been seeing her for 3 weeks, give me a break.

if she's "confused" tell her she can do whatever she wants and take all the time she wants, but your not waiting around, its only been 3 damn weeks, why would you wait? you shouldnt have any attachment to her yet.

she's playing her options, take yourself out of the equation.

its only been 3 weeks, at tops thats like 4 or 5 dates.

did I mention its only been 3 weeks? tell her to beat it, and go to a strip club
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Old 04-24-2012, 12:17 PM   #22
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I've been in a similar situation.

I met this girl one day, and decided to ask for her email. I just got to know her and we went out on a coffee date a week later. Two months later, her ex calls her to win her back, giving her promises of job connections at a well-known company, engagement, and basically the whole nine yards.

I think this is where the similarities end though. I understand that you feel deflated and frustrated. However, you shouldn't have tried to sell yourself. You see, when girls tell you about her shit, its not so that you can help her make the decision. Ultimately you have to let her decide. Giving her an ultimatum is also useless (look at Recon604's post above), as it damages the relationship later on. I would listen to her when she needs, but don't do the convincing and nor be the salesperson for yourself. Continue to make plans and keep the dates fun.

At this point in time, she is probably deciding if you are the real deal (ie: not a rebound) or a temporary void filler. She may even be using this as a test to see how you deal with jealousy, even if she is not conscious of it. Regardless of the outcome, enjoy the ride and learn.

From the sounds of it from you, though, I would prepare for the worst. The fact that she says to you that there's still feelings for her ex is a huge ass red flag. Obviously there is going to be feelings after a 5 year relationship, but she doesn't need to tell you this because she should deal with it herself. If the girl really super-duper liked you, she should be doing the convincing to you that she is over her ex and ready to be with you. Think about it for a minute, ok? If your new crush found out you just got out of a long term relationship, won't the onus be on you to prove to the new crush that you are over your ex and that this new crush isn't just a rebound? That's how it should be right now. When my girl was dating me she was reassuring me that she was over her ex.

There is also the legitimate question from people asking as to why those two broke up. People either break up from one big reason (cheating etc.) or many little ones. The best scenario here is if her ex cheated on her, or abused her (God forbid) which makes it most likely her friends will dissuade her from returning to the harmful relationship. However if the reasons are not big and concrete then it is much harder for her to justify not returning to him.

But even if you get together with her at the end of this, just be prepared for a more stressful-than-normal honey moon period because the aftermath of drama and tension often do not disappear into thin air as quickly as you would hope. Just giving you a heads up as to what's coming. Reassess if this girl is worth it. For me, 2 years later, I am still with the girl and we are happy.

side note: I don't like the fact that her and the ex breaks it off and on so frequently, as it is probably a sign of bad conflict management skills, which reeks of immaturity and a relationship marred with ultimatums: if you don't do this then i'll do that mentality. A long-term relationship is hard work and for best advice, ask your friends who are in a LTR, instead of your consistently single friends, because they will know the necessity of sacrifice and compromise.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:10 PM   #23
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This sounds exactly like my story the only differences is the time frames.... But I'm on the opposite end. Except I was the ex that wanted to get back. Ill tell you this one piece of advice from the other side...it'll never work out in your favour. The girl clearly isn't over her ex. Chances are you are rebound material and will not have her 100% focus on you. Also the ex will probably constantly be trying to involve his life with hers, and maybe use some emotional warfare to get her to feel weak without him. I say drop her for now. Be chill. If it was meant to happen NO MATTER how long you wait and how long she waits it will happen. THAT is the true test of if a relationship is worth starting.
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Old 04-24-2012, 08:42 PM   #24
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The following is a reply from the anonymous member

so she told me a bit more, and basically she texts her ex everyday and the ex is trying to convince her that he's changed. the girl is basically 50/50 and nothing about that has changed. however, the more thought i give it, the more i think that i'm the backup. i feel that if he really has changed and if she really believes him, then she would get back with him. if she doesn't believe he changed, then i'll be the backup and she'll settle for me. am i thinking about this the wrong way?

so from all the replies, i'm seeing two diff type of replies. some of you say that i should just continue to be myself and continue to go on dates with her while some of you tell me that i should distance myself and give her space to decide. but, isn't giving her distance and space kind of like giving up and an indirect way of giving her an ultimatum? i'm still so confused since i'm getting different replies from everyone.

thanks everyone.
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Old 04-25-2012, 10:31 AM   #25
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Now that you got your feedback. Do what YOU want to do.

It's not that hard. Screw it. Do what you WANT to do.
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