[Confidential] Mixed messages

[El Bastardo]

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me


So I have been dating with this girl for almost 2 years. We started off being friends. I met her through one of my friends. At the beginning, things are great (like many other relationships) but with time more and more stuff comes up. Most of them we can live with. Most of them, I can deal with.

There is one thing however, I cannot. Since we were friends before, she also hangs in our group (although I known the guys for longer than she have). So the problem is here, when we hang with our group, she wants us to be like friends (how I feel). What she said to me is that she don't want the others to exclude her out because she is my gf. In return, when we hang with the group, she acts like 'a friend.'

Now, I have talked to her about it multiple times. She says that's what she want and basically she doesn't budge. She is a really stubborn person. I think shes really selfish here. However, I think I am just comfortable with her right now and don't want to ruin things... Fuck, I sound like I have no backbone at all..

This thing just keep eating at me. I would put it off and sooner or later it comes up again.
This morning, my dad just randomly dropped me a question "Hey son, why does your gf seems like she doesn't want the other people in your group to know that she is your gf?" (Last time the group came to my house.) If my dad said this, then it must mean it was obvious to everyone else as well. And my parents are the ones that usually don't say things unless they were important or they thought about it for a long time. Therefore, they must've noticed it for a while now... Great..

When I heard that question, I said she didn't. But deep down, I was ..

Another thing this does to me is how it make me doubt myself. Before all this, I used to be a confident guy, never worrying about small stuff like this. Now I am so much more dependent on her and often with self doubt. I think it's because I have opened up to her (?) Funny thing though, is that she no longer love me as much as before (she said that herself). At the very beginning, she really cared and loved me. She would call me and so on. Now it's the other way around. Ironic how when I opened mine, she closed her heart.

What you guys think?

[westopher]

If she can't act like she is your girlfriend around your friends after that long, can you really ever see a future? I'm not sure if you are just content with a relationship for the moment, however I'd imagine you want to have a relationship that progresses further as time goes on eventually to being with someone forever. If thats the case, it sounds like you are wasting your time. It sucks after this much time, but its time to lay the cards on the table, and if she can't give you what you need, cut your losses and move on.

[Excelsis]

Talk to her one last time, if she doesn't want to do that for you....


then sorry man move on

[Phozy]

There's a fine line between not wanting to be excluded out, and acting as if your SO doesn't exist.

She even told you she doesn't love you as much already. Sure, you might lose that initial "spark" and things die down a bit, but she could just break away completely.

Perhaps once she realized she didn't need to do the chasing, she stopped and let you chase her. Leave it, let her chase you back. If she doesn't, its a pretty good sign there's a greater issue at hand than the whole friend thing.

I'm sure this has been said a million times before, but a relationship is a two way street, if she does not even consider your opinion or make a compromise, it just won't work.

[Recon604]

yeah, if she says she doesnt love you as much as before. That basically means she gave up. If she knows shes losing feelings, she should work on it and do something about it.

If you were to continue going on like this, the relationship will very soon crash.

Question is do you still love her a lot? Do you still want to be with her, even though there are other girls out there? If you do, I doubt you would want to move on.

SOOO change it up a bit! You said you guys been together for 2 years. Things might be a routine now, and you guys got too comfortable and used to each other. Do something really special to get her to wakened up. Express your love, do something out of the ordinary. Then she would be questioning why you all of the sudden become like this, you can tell her what has been going on (you two drifting apart, and you wanted to save it).

[Verdasco]

if my bitch did that, i would toss her for an ACTUAL GF who acts like a gf with other people around

[vafanculo]

I hope you don't pay for her in group settings then

[CharlieH]

the ball is completely in her court right now and you need to put your foot down. theres a couple in my group of friends who are just like you and your gf. when we're around they act like they're not even together. the difference is the guy is strong and confident, and gives off the appearance that if they ever broke up, it wouldn't bug him a damn bit. As a result, sometimes girls would be really flirty with him and that ends up bugging the shit out of his girlfriend and voila, he has the upper hand. you need to figure out how to outsmart your gf at her own game. keep one-upping her and it'll knock her off her high horse. it seems like right now she's really comfortable having so much control on you. and the sooner you take that control away, the better off you'll be.

[dinosaur]

girls POV:

She just isn't that into you...but doesn't want to be "single". She enjoys your attention but doesn't have to work for it.

You deserve better. Yes, the spark doesn't last forever, but only 2 years in? come on dude. You deserve someone who is actually proud to call you her boyfriend.

Also, she wants to be "single" in a group situation to keep her options open. I bet, when you break up with her, she jump on one of your buddies.

You will not lover her into loving you back.

[LIKEABOSS]

I wouldn't hesitate for a second to dump her.

She is definitely just waiting for "someone better." Why would you put up with this shit? You really have no backbone, it's no wonder she doesn't like you anymore.

Dump her now LIKEABOSS!

[Gnomes]

A father is usually a very wise person full of life experience and sees things younger generations dont. Trust what your father said.

[toyobaru]

Originally Posted by dinosaur

girls POV:
Also, she wants to be "single" in a group situation to keep her options open. I bet, when you break up with her, she jump on one of your buddies.

I know that feel...

[TheNewGirl]

The problem here is not one of mixed messages. She's made it very clear what she wants.

The problem is that you don't want to accept what she wants.

Your options are either take the relationship she's offering you or leave and find another one. It's very, very simple.

[Psykopathik]

girl wants attention from the guys in your group as well. in other words she's a WHORE.

"Don't hold my hand when we're all together" "no kissing when we're in a group"

these are signs you've probably heard from her. Do the other guys flirt with her? Any man knows that you don't flirt with another man's woman, especially in front of him.

Stay friends, find a new GIRLFRIEND.

[dinosaur]

DTMFA

end of story. go find your penguin. you deserve better.

[Spoon]

How do you manage to go out for 2 years and not be seen by any friends? Anyways, find out where one or a few of your friends (preferably the nosiest one in the group) are hanging out. Then accidentally let them bump into or see the both of you.

Done.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous member


So just got back from Vegas with her and 3 other friends (whom 2 just became a couple before the trip).
She was more girlfriendly since we had another couple in the group. The trip was good.

Read this post after I came back, which I had written before hands. It got my thinking when I was reading it, I believe the way I worded some things was not too accurate.
@ Spoon: we hanged with friends often, before and after we started dating. But it was only recent months that I felt this way or realize this feeling. How she feels uncomfortable to kiss in front of our friends.


I guess it have to do with how she has less feelings for me now as compared to the beginning whereas, I have finally opened myself up to her. Really sucks here.
Then again, she was always against public PDA.

So through this trip, she said she would not marry me for who I am (right now) as I am "irresponsible childish etc" and is dating me because I am sweet and considerate.
I know guys. I know.
But she is a really good person. Down to earth. I can talk to hear about my life experiences and she would understand. She is not shallow. She doesn't club nor ask me to buy her anything. No $5000 hangbags or whatever
[Another thing is she hates cooking though.. I can't imagine how she would be a good wife if she isn't willing to help out in the kitchen. (I can cook)]

[Gridlock]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a reply from the anonymous member
I can't imagine how she would be a good wife if she isn't willing to help out in the kitchen. (I can cook)]

Damn. You let her wear shoes?

[dinosaur]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a reply from the anonymous member


So just got back from Vegas with her and 3 other friends (whom 2 just became a couple before the trip).
She was more girlfriendly since we had another couple in the group. The trip was good.

Read this post after I came back, which I had written before hands. It got my thinking when I was reading it, I believe the way I worded some things was not too accurate.
@ Spoon: we hanged with friends often, before and after we started dating. But it was only recent months that I felt this way or realize this feeling. How she feels uncomfortable to kiss in front of our friends.


I guess it have to do with how she has less feelings for me now as compared to the beginning whereas, I have finally opened myself up to her. Really sucks here.
Then again, she was always against public PDA.

So through this trip, she said she would not marry me for who I am (right now) as I am "irresponsible childish etc" and is dating me because I am sweet and considerate.
I know guys. I know.
But she is a really good person. Down to earth. I can talk to hear about my life experiences and she would understand. She is not shallow. She doesn't club nor ask me to buy her anything. No $5000 hangbags or whatever
[Another thing is she hates cooking though.. I can't imagine how she would be a good wife if she isn't willing to help out in the kitchen. (I can cook)]

this hurts my brain. she showed you more attention in vegas because there was nobody else to show it to.

if you are cool not being good enough for her and like her b/c she doesn't club, ask you to buy her shit, etc...then you guys deserve each other.

have fun wasting your time in a relationship that will inevitably end.

[melloman]

My prespective is she is WAITING FOR SOMEONE BETTER.

My advice?

Stay with her until YOU FIND SOMEONE BETTER. If she is just using you, and enjoying it.. use her and then she can feel shitty when you find someone better.

I might get failed for this post.. but honestly it's bullshit to be BF/GF when in private.. and be SINGLE when around friends.. hate bitches.. bitches be CRAY!

[Verdasco]

as soon as OP mentioned "I will not marry you for who you are." this is basically telling me that you are or going to be in a friends with benefits relationship until either one of you find a new partner. Mostly likely the girl

[!e.lo_]

CUT HER

It'll hurt at first, but as you can see from the community, we all think that she's treating you unfairly.
Better to be the one to end it, than the other way around, especially with how this "relationship" is.

[hotjoint]

Dump her asap. She's just waiting for someone better to come along before she dumps you. Do yourself a favor and save the time and headache.

[FerrariEnzo]

maybe shes seeing someone from inside your "group"... just saying...

if thats the case, just keep her as a Friends with Benefits and return the favor back.. BTW, look for a better girl in the mean time.. dont take this relationship too serious, coz shes not

[saucywoman]

Don't make someone a priority when you're only their option