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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 05-07-2012, 09:29 AM   #1
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The most messed up dating sitaution I've ever seen

This is from the guy's perspective, me. It's long and of all my dating I can't figure this out.

THE STORY

I meet this woman through work.

I've had gf's before and lived with gf's before so experience on my end is not really an issue. The girl on the other hand has only had one 7 year relationship that ended badly and took her 3 years to get over. She says she's now at a point where shes over it and looking to settle down.

Here is the issue.

The first few dates with her things got serious VERY fast. We're both super highly educated and work in the same field so the conversation ended up going down work conversation and then the conversation got very heavy very fast. Way too deep for the first few dates.

So date #4 I just dropped her off at her car, gave her a hug and then was like whatever. Before she got out of the car I asked her if she even wants to try and make something work. She's like yes I'm willing to try. Ummmmm....... okay.... We had already made plans to hang out on the weekend so I text her to say "You still want to hang out on Saturday?"

She's like yeah sure I'll text you day of and we'll hang out.

I have to admit, I am very much into this woman as I'm looking to settle down as well. I'm not sure how to play this or if I even CAN play it after the malfunction in the beginning. Should I drop it?


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Old 05-07-2012, 09:39 AM   #2
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Just straight up ask her. Do you wanna be bf/gf, or just friends?

Works for me all the time.
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Old 05-07-2012, 09:58 AM   #3
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I was going to see about going on another date and then at the end asking if it's going somewhere for her or not. Make it casual but to the point.

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Old 05-07-2012, 10:59 AM   #4
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Okay...So you say that you are into her. What is it about her that you like? Is she pretty? Funny? Intelligent? Ass looks great in yoga pants?

Do you find yourself wanting to kiss her? Hold her hand? Be affectionate in other ways?

This is just my perspective, but I think that you are trying to play a little hard to get. You are trying to push her into the friendzone to try and get her to make a move out of it. Maybe you are afraid of putting it all out there and not having her reciprocate?

Yes, this girl clearly has some issues. Was in a long-term relationship, then single/getting over it for 3 years. This means that she got into this relationship fairly young. She may not know what it is like to "date" an adult. She is waiting for you to make the moves b/c she doesn't know any different. This isn't her fault...or maybe even her excuse for acting this way, but it is reality. I was in a 9 year relationship from 19-28. When that ended, the first thing I thought was, "I don't even know how to fucking date". It weird...you miss all that time in your 20s to learn how to date adults. Who knows, she may be talking about work b/c that is the only thing she feels comfortable talking about....this chick got out of a long-term relationship where EVERYTHING was comfortable. She may not get it...

Is this YOUR problem? no. But, if you have fairly strong feelings for her, as you say you do, it is the price you pay for dating in your 30s. We all have baggage and this is hers. If you back-off and play the "friendzone" game to push her to make a move, this potential relationship will not progress. I'm not saying this is you being mean or consciously playing a game, but you are trying to turn her into the pursuer...and she may not be that type.

My advice: Take her on her next date. Treat is like a date (not dinner & movie or hangout at the park. I'm talking dinner at a nice restaurant...walk on the beach. No distractions). Pick her up, bring her flowers (not roses). Talk about movies, music, pets, friends, family, travelling, school, etc....hell, talk about the weather. Keep it light. Hold doors open for her, hold her hand, drop her off, kiss her good night, and text her when you get home saying that you had a great time on the date and can't wait to do it again.

Instead of directing it towards the friendzone to protect yourself from getting hurt or to push her to be the aggressor, take control. IF you are not comfortable with being the controller (not in a negative way) in the relationship, even if it is just in the beginning, she may not be the one for you.

She "needs more time" b/c she doesn't know what the relationship is...friendzone?dating?bf/gf? She has never been in adult relationship and I don't think she gets it.

If you take my advice and go on a proper date for your next date and it still isn't flying...I think it may be time to move on, unfortunately.
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Old 05-07-2012, 11:31 AM   #5
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Any way you slice it, she knows how I feel. I don't mind going at a slower pace but she's pulling these "I don't know how I feel" cards.

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Old 05-07-2012, 12:35 PM   #6
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IMO...you say you like her but I don't think you actually do. I only say this because IF what you say is true about yourself (successful, good looking, confident etc) then you're probably just lusting over this girl who doesnt seem like she's giving you the time of day VS all the woman that would normally be going crazy over you.

"People always want what they cant have." Just a possible thought
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:00 PM   #7
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It sounds like you're just not listening to her.. she says she needs time. In the last 10 years, there has just been one guy for her, and i'm sure it was just a little devastating breaking up at 29 after 7 years..

You think you're scared of getting hurt, I bet shes more scared. You already said shes not the type to lead you on, so it sounds like she's just being extra cautious. The last thing she'd want to do is commit to another guy who says he loves her for 2+ years, then break up again. Take another year to heal, now where is she at? 35 starting from scratch?

IMO, you should either stick it out with her taking it slow, or just leave.
You need to show her that you actually do want to marry her and are willing to respect her and take it slow. And if you can't wait that long, then you're probably not right for her anyways.

Yes, there is a possibility of getting hurt.. but the possibility is mutual to say the least.
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Old 05-07-2012, 01:14 PM   #8
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Quote:
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IMO...you say you like her but I don't think you actually do. I only say this because IF what you say is true about yourself (successful, good looking, confident etc) then you're probably just lusting over this girl who doesnt seem like she's giving you the time of day VS all the woman that would normally be going crazy over you.

"People always want what they cant have." Just a possible thought
^this.

I think you WANT to like her and I think you WANT her to like you.

Honestly...sitting at date 6/7...you shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other. Even if you both are a bit more conservative, that SPARK should be there.

This seems to be a doomed relationship. Crap like this shouldn't come up for months or years. I am rarely a proponent of cutting and running, but at 32...do you really want to waste your time with someone who is lukewarm?

At this point in your life, shit like this shouldn't be do wishy washy.

Good luck, dude...I think you know what the answer is
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Old 05-07-2012, 02:53 PM   #9
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Scared is one thing, but I'm inclined to think there is nothing there for her. Otherwise I don't see how we'd be at this point.

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Old 05-07-2012, 03:06 PM   #10
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Well, try putting it on the line next time you see her...push her to REALLY express her feelings...none of this "we'll try" b.s....the worst thing to do would be to waste time, but is doesn't sound like you are wanting to give up just yet.

good luck and don't forget to update us
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Old 05-07-2012, 04:06 PM   #11
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i made the mistake of falliing for a wishy washy girl, totally got left hanging at the end, hurt pretty bad and a waste of time

we'd hit it off hot for a few weeks, but then she'd turn cold and shit the next week, hot and cold on again off again for months, fucking mind games

but then again she was 20, so take it for what it is, dunno if you can apply it to a 30 year old

point is, stay away from wishy washy girls
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:07 PM   #12
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but then again she was 20, so take it for what it is, dunno if you can apply it to a 30 year old

point is, stay away from wishy washy girls
No, you can't. Those 10 years are big years.

I don't know how to explain my thoughts. It's like the same problem but opposite. A 20 year old doesn't know what she wants, and I think this girl knows what she wants too much.

OP, after reading your posts, I'm left with maybe she's not that into you.

I think she told you:
Quote:
"Do you think we have too much in common?" WTF? I was so caught off guard I didn't even know what to say. I said we have things in common but we are also very different people as well.

Anyway she said it's date #4 and she likes me and wants to try but she's not getting HIT with this chemistry."
She got burned by a 'bad boy', took 3 years off to heal and is now going out and saying "I'm looking for everything the ex was not". She's trying on pants man.

You are a confident, successful, educated guy. She WANTS you to be those pants. On paper, you are THE pants for her.

But in her heart, she wants a taste of pleather, and you are khaki. Her asking "do we have too much in common? is code for "how does my ass look in these things?"

I think the date where you didn't try so hard was more successful because that decision wasn't as in your face. You weren't all, "so we going or not?" you were just you.

And dude, if she can't muster up some passion for a good kiss, then man, she is just not that into you. Even a bad kiss should do something.
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Old 05-07-2012, 06:31 PM   #13
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Maybe you are actually not confident enough?
You told her what you want but you aren't taking charge with enthusiasm. You are bothered by having to ask her on dates. She never said "no" to you, so she is obviously giving you a chance. Take it and roll with it. Don't think what to do on dates, just let it play out. If you feel like kissin her, then do it. Have the confidence that you being you is enough to make this work because if it is not enough you will have to face this problem later. Neither you nor she will change.

This is not a game and strategy may help you get laid but not in the long run to settle down. Just do what you FEEL is right on the next date and then be honest with yourself right after.

Just my thoughts, take it or leave it. Goo luck either way.

PS. Your title of this thread says it's most messed up dating situation you've ever seen. It's not even that messed up, don't let it get to you.

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Old 05-07-2012, 08:26 PM   #14
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I probably haven't dated as many women as you, but honestly, if there's no chemistry in the kiss, then it's pointless to pursue. Sure, she may be reeling from her previous relationship, but if she can't let her emotions speak for her during a kiss, then she's simply not ready to be in a relationship or she's just not that into you.

You may be into this woman, but it shouldn't take this much work. Forget about this woman and find another. Having met you in real life, you're the real deal and women in this city chase guys like you.
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Old 05-08-2012, 11:36 AM   #15
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I'll keep you updated.

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Old 05-08-2012, 12:10 PM   #16
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ahhhh...ya know you are getting older when...

It really IS all about the package. We no longer want the arm-candy, the bimbo (guys included), or a SO that follows us around like we are gods. We all want the package.

They may not be "smoking hot" by society standards, but they are to you...and that is really all that matters. If she (or he) doesn't look out-of-this-world in a pair of jeans, it doesn't really matter b/c he/she makes you laugh, is intelligent, and a good person.

You can make a pro and con list until the cows come home, but at the end of the day...if that potential mate is YOUR package, its all good. It is an indicator that you have matured and realized what is important

sorry, to hijack the OP thread...just felt like putting this out there
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:02 PM   #17
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I probably haven't dated as many women as you, but honestly, if there's no chemistry in the kiss, then it's pointless to pursue.
I don't really think this is the best advice for.. well, anybody. That's a large generalization, and would hate to see people base how pursuit worthy someone is based on that.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:13 PM   #18
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Sounds like you came off very strong. Instead of it being an organic evolution of chemistry you seemed to want to force a relationship with her right away.
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:20 PM   #19
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I don't really think this is the best advice for.. well, anybody. That's a large generalization, and would hate to see people base how pursuit worthy someone is based on that.
I'm a guy that runs on emotions and in my experience, dead fish will always be dead fish.
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Old 05-09-2012, 08:25 AM   #20
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Sounds like you came off very strong. Instead of it being an organic evolution of chemistry you seemed to want to force a relationship with her right away.
I think you hit it.

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Old 05-10-2012, 11:51 AM   #21
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I'm a guy that runs on emotions and in my experience, dead fish will always be dead fish.
Do you realize how dangerous a statement that is?
If your statement is "I run on emotions", what happens when you're married and you have kids and your wife just doesn't meet your emotional needs?
Maybe she doesn't talk to you like she used to, but your secretary does.
Maybe she isn't as attractive as she used to be, but your friend's 25 year old friend super attractive.
Maybe 100 other scenarios.

I feel sorry for a girl who is with a guy that 'runs on emotions'. I control my emotions, they don't control me.
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:38 PM   #22
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just grab her tit and see what happens
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:52 AM   #23
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Do you realize how dangerous a statement that is?
If your statement is "I run on emotions", what happens when you're married and you have kids and your wife just doesn't meet your emotional needs?
Maybe she doesn't talk to you like she used to, but your secretary does.
Maybe she isn't as attractive as she used to be, but your friend's 25 year old friend super attractive.
Maybe 100 other scenarios.

I feel sorry for a girl who is with a guy that 'runs on emotions'. I control my emotions, they don't control me.
I think I come from a different perspective culturally than most Asian guys here .

I don't think you can go into any relationship without feelings. Your emotions should be raw at the beginning. Of course, your feelings for your partner will mature over time. But I've learned that if you don't make yourself vulnerable (which can be construed as being emotional) to your partner, then you don't get anywhere in a relationship. There's always the risk of getting hurt, but as the cliché goes, no pain no gain.
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Old 05-12-2012, 10:05 AM   #24
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It's date night!

Be sure to tell her revscene says hi!

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Old 05-14-2012, 10:40 AM   #25
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Contrary to what most people would suggest, I'm not going to push anything.

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