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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 05-14-2012, 05:09 PM   #1
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[Confidential] Give him another second chance?

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So this guy and I have been friends/coworkers for about 3 years. Over the past 3 years, we've always been there for each other, and I refused to be anything more than coworkers with him. But I guess I've always hidden my private life away from him and never told him everything about what's going on in my life (specifically, my love life).

I`ve friendzoned him for most of our relationship and frankly, I was not that appreciative towards his existence but he still stuck around and would make time to hang out with me whenever I had time.

Finally, last summer, he went to work for a different company. And then I thought hmm, maybe I can give this a try, since people always say "you should always date your best friend" because you'd know each other so well and the relationship will last.

So throughout our first little while of dating, I've always put him second to my friends, and would make lame excuses to neglect him. Until I finally settled some stuff from my past, then I was ready to committ (or at least I thought I was). I felt bad for being a bad friend.

The moment we became official, he started being absolutely mean and psycho about everything I did. He'd go ballistic over the fact that I had any guy friends, he'd get mad when my guy friends text me, when I go out with any group that had guys in it, not call/text him, or not saying things that he wants me to say in order for him to be happy.

He'd sit there and watch me cry over the stupid things he got mad at me for and not say a word about it. There was not even a tiny bit of trust in our relationship, he'd question when I tell him that I'm going out for family dinner, he'd say that I'm lying. When I'm at the gym he thinks I'm lying. He gets mad at me that other guys are texting me even though I'm not texting them back.
anyways, i've made my life as transparent as I could in hopes that this will change. It didn't, we broke up twice in one week.

After the second break up, he said to me he'll change because he hates his life without me. And that he'll never be mean/rude/insecure over small things. I asked him why he was like that, but he was not able to explain it, he just said "i don't know why i did that, i am just so sick of all these guys wanting to be more than just friends with you. Then i got mad."


anyways, he's asking me to give him a second/third chance (whatever) to show me that he's changed. Should I? Or should I just move on?

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Old 05-14-2012, 05:25 PM   #2
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Do you even like the guy?! Or are you simply just with him because he's now with a different company and "people always say "you should always date your best friend" because you'd know each other so well and the relationship will last."

My answer is, no. Do not give him a second/third/whatever number chance because

1) You don't even seem to like him
2) There is no steady foundation with you 2 to really be in a relationship together if that's what your reasoning is
3) Why would you want to be with someone who is "mean and psycho" in the first place?
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Old 05-14-2012, 05:43 PM   #3
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^ right on.

I dated a guy who was hella insecure about my guy friends. He didn't really have a social life like I did so I guess in a way he was jealous about my life in general.
Anyways I gave him second chance and he dumped me not too long after saying that "I'm too hard to maintain"

He cried and asked me back and I laughed it off and moved on.
I feel so much better now, not having to worry about that insecure whinny piece of shit.

Guys who are insecure like that are troubles. Unless you really like him and he's worth dropping all your social life for. I have some girl friends who have done that and they're living happily ever after with their bf's.... But they don't have much social life. I guess it's about what's your priority and what's not. Is your social life with friends more important? Or him?
like crayon said, doesnt seem like you like him that much anyways tho.
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Old 05-14-2012, 05:44 PM   #4
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From what I read it doesnt even sound like you REALLY wanted to be with him in the first place. I think your first step is to step back and really think hard about what you want out of this.

Did you two become official because he was always there, or did you actually like him?

Secondly, I can sort of see why he gets suspicious when you're always out with guy friends/guys are always texting you. Try to see things from his POV. I only say this because a close friend of mine got cheated on recently. He trusted his gf fully and never gave her shit about anything, only to be treated as a doormat later on in their relationship. Its sort of a double edged sword. If you trust your girl fully, there's a chance she'll do some shit behind your back, but if we ask one too many things, we're "psycho"

I'm not saying he has the right to question you whenever you go out, but just because he's a guy doesnt mean he wont get insecure/suspicious at times, especially if you're an attractive girl thats always surrounded by guys.
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Old 05-14-2012, 05:53 PM   #5
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Move on. The jealousy that he possess wont change overnight. Until he learns to be independent, mature, and trust you, his promises mean nothing. Hes gonna have to learn the hard way.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:01 PM   #6
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:03 PM   #7
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Fuck it, just move on. People who say "I'll change! I swear!" never do. Don't be an idiot, if he's really going to change, he's going to do it on his own and he won't need to convince you that he'll work harder because it'll show in his actions.

His issues are totally things that he has to work on himself. If you stick around, you'll only be putting yourself through the stress of having to deal with him transitioning...or lack thereof. If you can take care of your own issues then so can he. He's a grown man (maybe not yet, but he should be).
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:05 PM   #8
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So throughout our first little while of dating, I've always put him second to my friends, and would make lame excuses to neglect him.
I think you should improve yourself before getting into the relationship with him. Clearly from that quoted statement you never actually liked him but only used him as your safety cushion for when your friends don't hang out with you. Perhaps do some personal development.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:08 PM   #9
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^ right on.

I dated a guy who was hella insecure about my guy friends. He didn't really have a social life like I did so I guess in a way he was jealous about my life in general.
Anyways I gave him second chance and he dumped me not too long after saying that "I'm too hard to maintain"

He cried and asked me back and I laughed it off and moved on.
I feel so much better now, not having to worry about that insecure whinny piece of shit.

Guys who are insecure like that are troubles. Unless you really like him and he's worth dropping all your social life for. I have some girl friends who have done that and they're living happily ever after with their bf's.... But they don't have much social life. I guess it's about what's your priority and what's not. Is your social life with friends more important? Or him?
like crayon said, doesnt seem like you like him that much anyways tho.
For someone who is so glad to get rid of an ex. You sure are putting in a lot of emphasis and effort on bad mouthing him.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:22 PM   #10
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^you must be new here.


at op : move on. better guys out there for you
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:28 PM   #11
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For someone who is so glad to get rid of an ex. You sure are putting in a lot of emphasis and effort on bad mouthing him.
he went around making up shit like she cheated, we had sex etc etc which werent true. I dont see why i cant bad mouth him when he still goes around calling me a slut revealing my name and stuff TIL RECENTLY. At least i didnt disclose any of his personal informations here nor do i discuss it IRL. Either way that was almost 3 years ago and i dont care about him. Just wanted to share my personal experience with insecure guys with the OP.
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Old 05-14-2012, 06:36 PM   #12
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3 years 'till you finally start something?

that's what you call a "dead fish"
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Old 05-14-2012, 07:02 PM   #13
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Forcing a relationship is never good and that is what you are doing.

You have essentially friend-zoned him for years and finally let him bite. If you've friend-zoned him for that long, chances are that your interest for him isn't genuine.

He may be psycho but let go and have some pity on him.
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Old 05-14-2012, 07:58 PM   #14
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^ right on.

I dated a guy who was hella insecure about my guy friends. He didn't really have a social life like I did so I guess in a way he was jealous about my life in general.
Anyways I gave him second chance and he dumped me not too long after saying that "I'm too hard to maintain"

He cried and asked me back and I laughed it off and moved on.
I feel so much better now, not having to worry about that insecure whinny piece of shit.

Guys who are insecure like that are troubles. Unless you really like him and he's worth dropping all your social life for. I have some girl friends who have done that and they're living happily ever after with their bf's.... But they don't have much social life. I guess it's about what's your priority and what's not. Is your social life with friends more important? Or him?
like crayon said, doesnt seem like you like him that much anyways tho.
Thought u were my ex for a second but u mentioned three years ago so nvm
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Old 05-15-2012, 12:07 AM   #15
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So this guy and I have been friends/coworkers for about 3 years. Over the past 3 years, we've always been there for each other, and I refused to be anything more than coworkers with him. But I guess I've always hidden my private life away from him and never told him everything about what's going on in my life (specifically, my love life).

I`ve friendzoned him for most of our relationship and frankly, I was not that appreciative towards his existence but he still stuck around and would make time to hang out with me whenever I had time.

Finally, last summer, he went to work for a different company. And then I thought hmm, maybe I can give this a try, since people always say "you should always date your best friend" because you'd know each other so well and the relationship will last.

So throughout our first little while of dating, I've always put him second to my friends, and would make lame excuses to neglect him. Until I finally settled some stuff from my past, then I was ready to committ (or at least I thought I was). I felt bad for being a bad friend.

The moment we became official, he started being absolutely mean and psycho about everything I did. He'd go ballistic over the fact that I had any guy friends, he'd get mad when my guy friends text me, when I go out with any group that had guys in it, not call/text him, or not saying things that he wants me to say in order for him to be happy.

He'd sit there and watch me cry over the stupid things he got mad at me for and not say a word about it. There was not even a tiny bit of trust in our relationship, he'd question when I tell him that I'm going out for family dinner, he'd say that I'm lying. When I'm at the gym he thinks I'm lying. He gets mad at me that other guys are texting me even though I'm not texting them back.
anyways, i've made my life as transparent as I could in hopes that this will change. It didn't, we broke up twice in one week.

After the second break up, he said to me he'll change because he hates his life without me. And that he'll never be mean/rude/insecure over small things. I asked him why he was like that, but he was not able to explain it, he just said "i don't know why i did that, i am just so sick of all these guys wanting to be more than just friends with you. Then i got mad."


anyways, he's asking me to give him a second/third chance (whatever) to show me that he's changed. Should I? Or should I just move on?
There's also a possibility that the problems you experience might be a you thing, and not entirely a "him" thing.



1. Why did you keep him around for 3 years knowing that he dug you, and has been trying to get with you? I know no girl is ever going to admit to it, but it's been discussed before that "some girls" like to keep suitors around because it makes their image look good that they have active pursuitors.

2. As per bolded, you did kinda treat him like shit while you were dating. It could explain why he may have some insecurities about the relationship.

3. You have every right to enter a relationship or not. However, when you do enter a relationship, you have to be considerate with your social life towards the 2nd party in that relationship; There will always be a certain sacrifice to your social life; some new boundaries you never had before that you will have to respect (and I'm not just strictly talking about sex).

I mean, how many "guy friends" do you keep around within arms length? What kind of "guy friends" are they? Were they similar to your boyfriend whom you just kept as "friends" for X amount of years yet they inwardly want to get in your pants?





I hate to give you your fair share of criticism, but I think you might be half responsible for the grief you experience... and if true, perhaps to an extent, girls of that model are the reason why the BF (and many other guys like him) are the difficult and insecure men that they are.

Maybe unless you're ready for the sacrifices and compromises that is necessary for any good and healthy relationship, maybe you're not just relationship material yet.

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Old 05-15-2012, 08:40 AM   #16
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I think the jealousy he posses is frankly normal for any human being. Jealousy can be heathy for a relationship and unhealthy at the same time. Being jealous shows a sign that a person worries for their relationship and wants to protect it. But at the same time it can prove that one is un-trusting of the other. Any guy who values his woman WILL and ALWAYS be protective of his woman and her THOUSAND male friends...Sometimes women can be very naive towards men and their intentions. As guys we know how guys think. I guarantee 80% of the OPs male friends want some ass. Yeah they can be great guys and listen to you and everything. A wise man once said to me "You gotta listen to the rants to get into the pants"
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:52 AM   #17
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I think the jealousy he posses is frankly normal for any human being.
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He'd go ballistic over the fact that I had any guy friends,

he'd get mad when my guy friends text me,

when I go out with any group that had guys in it

he'd question when I tell him that I'm going out for family dinner, he'd say that I'm lying.

When I'm at the gym he thinks I'm lying.
That is not normal.

If anything, the guy is more insecure than jealous.
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Old 05-15-2012, 08:56 AM   #18
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I had couple of female friends whos had bf's like that. Those insecure pussies who take it out on their gf's. In fact, I had to stop contacting those friends because of the faggot bf's. My friends made the stupid mistake of giving them second chances and it all went to hell in the end. You're better off meeting new people; I would say his is like the bottom 5% of all the males, so anyone else you meet after him will probably be way better than his sorry shit.

Sometimes it takes a bit of push to break away from an existing relationship (especially the ones that you are too used to), so this is my push.
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:08 AM   #19
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No. No. No. No. No. you should not give him another chance.

Walk away and find someone who is secure enough to treat you with the respect you deserve.

Men and women who have this mind set either

1. have trust issues they need to deal with
2. are horribly insecure and have to work that shit out
3. they cheat/contemplate cheating and thus assume their partner must as well
4. use shame and anger to control you and keep you dependant on them for validation

You do not want to date ANY of these people.
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:33 AM   #20
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Secondly, I can sort of see why he gets suspicious when you're always out with guy friends/guys are always texting you. Try to see things from his POV. I only say this because a close friend of mine got cheated on recently. He trusted his gf fully and never gave her shit about anything, only to be treated as a doormat later on in their relationship. Its sort of a double edged sword. If you trust your girl fully, there's a chance she'll do some shit behind your back, but if we ask one too many things, we're "psycho"
if a girl do shit behind your back, she will do it regardless of whether you trust her or not
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Old 05-15-2012, 11:47 AM   #21
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if a girl do shit behind your back, she will do it regardless of whether you trust her or not
Yes I know, I was just using that as an example as to why the OP should maybe consider seeing a few of her "bf's" worries from his POV, especially if she's always surrounded/talking to guys. Maybe if they were to address some of his issues as a couple he would be less insecure. (Just saiyan)

Like Noir said, you have to make SOME sort of sacrifices when you're in a relationship. You cant just throw your SO's worries on the back burner and hope they go away.

Also, I agree that it's true that some women are naive when it comes to guy friends. Guaranteed half of those "guy friends" would sleep with her given the chance.
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Old 05-15-2012, 12:33 PM   #22
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maybe invite him to the functions you have with your other male friends. a lot of the way your bf is acting is probably due to the fact you might be acting like you're single with your guy friends or never invite him to any functions. Heck, my last ex I had suspicions of she had males friends who we both were mutual friends with never invited me to anything. she acted like she was single and BAM she cheated. every person has a reason for the way he acts.
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Old 05-15-2012, 12:47 PM   #23
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Old 05-15-2012, 12:52 PM   #24
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honestly, it doesn't even sound like you're into the guy. seems like you're just giving him the chance since he stuck around for so long
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Old 05-15-2012, 06:01 PM   #25
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No, I wouldn't give him a second chance, because insecurity is not a flip that you can switch on and off. It could take years or even a lifetime for a person to be comfortable enough with themselves to trust another.
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