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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 05-26-2012, 08:46 PM   #1
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[Confidential] I want her back but is it too late?

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me

My girlfriend just broke up with me on the phone a few days ago and now I have been having a really difficult time dealing with this. We had been dating for a year and nine months. This was my first serious relationship so after the break up, I thought the world would end for me.

We were friends before we started to date. The reason for the break up was that communication just wasn't there between the two of us. Communication was number one priority for her. She would be the type who would like talk about everything while I can speak my mind, I am rather quiet but I am more of a listener. Within the last few months, It was like her talking to a wall of silence. I didn't have much to say which was the cause of the downfall.

It wasn't always like this, for the first year and a bit after dating, we could talk about anything and everything was going great until we had a fight near Christmas time. From there on, I somehow completely closed myself off. I was too afraid to express myself and eventually conversations from the two of us went from great to become stale sentences.

In all honesty, mentally I didn't know about this until now but it is too late. We had a talk about this to see what was wrong with me in early April. I had told her that I was in a transition stage in finding a new career which wasn't working in my favor. After seeing most of us friends gradually getting married with the last year, I wanted to make sure that I would have a future career(financially) that would help support the both of us. She was already in her field so career wise, she was already set. Although we didn't really talk about it much, we were both looking for a partner who would eventually lead up to marriage.

What I didn't tell her was that I had been suffer from slight depression from post concussion which was the reason for me being down. She wasn't happy within the last several months and decided it was best for both of us to call it quits.

I seriously messed up big time. I really did wish I did open up and express what was going on. Just maybe this relationship could have continued. This was definitely a hard but difficult learning experience. Our relationship was pretty much similar to that "Strangers, Again" short.

I miss anything about her and I can't stop thinking about the good times we shared. She made me into a better person and I am thankful for that.

I am very fortunately to have great friends to talk to me which has ease the pain a bit. I packed up all her belonging which I can't find the courage to call her to give them back. I have been trying to avoid checking out her Facebook and etc.

There had been times where I wanted to call her immediately and tell her how I feel and maybe she would take me back.

I don't know what to do now. My heart is saying to work on the issues that caused the break up in hopes that one day we can get back to together.

Can we also be friends? I am at the stage I don't think that I would find a girl like her again. I don't know if this is love but whatever it was it was, it hurts.

Thoughts? I apologize for the rambling.


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Old 05-26-2012, 09:33 PM   #2
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you should have told her about your depression, would have made things a lot different. that's nothing to dwell on now as what's done is done. being friends is very hard after a break up especially when you're thinking about getting her back because you'll take everything she says/does into too much context which is bad.

i once felt (read: sometimes still do) feel that way about finding someone who can be like her or whatever, but theres always someone better it's just a matter of if you want to/willing to go get it.

if you really want her back, i'd suggest talking to her and telling her how you feel, but don't tell her about the depression as that would make her feel guilty about everything.

good luck
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:53 PM   #3
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If you give up and don't try, then it's over. That's just how it works.

Be brave and be prepared to have to "fight" for what you want, telling her how you feel.

It might feel like a long time trying to get her to break open to you, but it's necessary to grind it out.

Also, if you can talk to her in person rather than over the phone that could also help a lot. Personally, I find it much easier to express emotions and feelings in person rather than over the phone.
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Old 05-26-2012, 09:54 PM   #4
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man
your case is similar to mine, except that my gf is the wall and I'm the one that like to talk everything out
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Old 05-27-2012, 12:41 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ShadowBun View Post
man
your case is similar to mine, except that my gf is the wall and I'm the one that like to talk everything out
That's not a bad thing less bitching

EDIT. Maybe off topic but I am not a very talkative person as well. I just like to listen to what ppl say or complain about life.
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Old 05-27-2012, 01:01 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp View Post
That's not a bad thing less bitching

EDIT. Maybe off topic but I am not a very talkative person as well. I just like to listen to what ppl say or complain about life.
true
but in link with OP as well, relationship cannot substain itself without communication - especially long term ones. Communication, or rather the lack of, is one of the main reasons why a lot of LT relationships fall apart...
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Old 05-27-2012, 01:25 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp View Post
That's not a bad thing less bitching
But it can work against you if she's upset about something and it never gets solved
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Old 05-27-2012, 02:53 AM   #8
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I'd like to know more about this phone conversation. Did she phone you to break up with you? Did you have a fight on the phone that led to it? Was it a mutual thing?

Anyways, if it's only been a few days, there's a pretty good chance of getting back together. Call her up and ask her to go for coffee with you (or some other casual meeting in a public place). Tell her she looks nice, ask her how she's been doing, etc. Keep it about her to start with and don't ask any stupid questions like 'Who have you been hanging out with?' or 'Did you miss me?' Basically, avoid asking any questions that may have responses you don't want to hear; no good will come from it. After 5-10 minutes of light, hopefully stress-free conversation, tell her you think breaking up is a mistake. Don't blame her and don't blame yourself, just explain the positives of being together and tell her you want to work on the problems in the relationship (don't get into specific details unless she asks and, even then, keep it concise and definitely don't put blame on her) and go from there.

If it doesn't go well and it is completely over, take a few weeks to 'grieve' and get back to hanging out with friends and doing things you enjoy. It's your first serious relationship and, even though it hurts like hell the first time, it's something almost everyone goes through and almost everyone comes out fine and finds a better relationship somewhere down the road.

P.S. If the break-up is permanent, do NOT try to be friends. Maybe after you're both completely over the relationship, but you definitely don't sound like you're in a state where being friends is a remotely good idea.
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Old 05-27-2012, 10:53 AM   #9
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Old 05-29-2012, 10:45 PM   #10
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focus on your own fucking life.

Best advice anyone can give you.

Get motivated man. Fuck women.
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Old 05-31-2012, 04:26 PM   #11
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you're not gonna like this...time is your friend...you're gonna hurt now but you'll get over it eventually...keep yourself busy...work, exercise, grocery shopping etc...
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Old 06-04-2012, 06:51 PM   #12
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My bad for making a super late posting of a reply to this thread. My apologies to the OP who sent me this PM as a reply days ago

On the phone call, she asked why I called which I said that I wanted to check up on her and see if she wanted to make plans later on to grab a quick bite. At this time, she sounded very upset and frustrated. She didn't want to grab a bite as she was going out with her friends. She starts to weep on the phone. I asked her what is wrong which she said the communication between us just isn't working and that she tried but she just isn't happy and that it is over between us. She needed a partner who can talk to her all the time about everything versus I need someone who talks less (I don't think this is true). I honest thought this was a bad dream as I just woke up when she called. I wanted to say what was wrong with me but I knew at heart, she already made the tough decision and won't back down. I told her that I won't be calling her which she said I could. We both said good byes and hung up. I do have a hunch that the phone call was intentional for break up.

If she cared for me so much, I wished she broke up with me in person.

A few signs that she clocked out out the relationship was a few days prior. I met up with her for coffee on her birthday to give her a present. I had to apologized last minute that I couldn't take her out for dinner as I had to go back to work last minute to cover a shift due to a death in the family for one of the managers. I wanted to give her some snacks and drinks that I bought from the states a few days prior but she said to leave it at home which was unusual since she was already going home.

Usually she usually would send me her monthly schedule so we could plan around our schedules. She forgot/delayed sending it me until 12 days later this month which I didn't think much of. I wanted to make plans for her birthday but I didn't know if she would be working. I ended up doing a last minute gathering dinner for her a few days prior which felt rushed in my opinion. Our friends enjoyed the evening though. I think she wanted me to take charge/initiative and plan it out ahead of time. Obviously due to poor communication, this wasn't well thought out on my side. During that evening, she wasn't really affectionate with me throughout the dinner as she was too busy hanging and mingling with the rest of the group. I was a bit upset about this but didn't want to say anything (Once again my fault)

Although I am upset and angry with myself within the last few days. I took this incident as motivation. I booked an appointment to see a therpist about my depression as well booked a registered massage theorpy appointment for my neck which is causing the constant headaches. My family doctor wouldn't prescribe me any medication for the depression. He mentioned that I have to take it easy and do avoid physically contact sports ie: hockey, etc and do moderate exercises daily to prevent rushing any more concussion like symptoms. I have been reading guides/forums online on how to improve on communcation within a relationship which has given me better insight.

I admit that I do have flaws which I wouldn't have seen if it wasn't for the break up. I am going to try "No Contact" with her until I am happy with myself first. I want to make sure that I am happy first of all to order to heal. I want to improve on expressing myself and communication not just for her but to help me grow as a person.

Part of me thinks that she has a eye for someone else already. A girl like her won't stay single for long as I am sure there will many guys in line (Sickening but thats life). I want her to happy regardless if she takes me back but my priority now is to be happy.
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Old 06-04-2012, 07:39 PM   #13
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You gave up. Sometimes the girl just wants you to fight for her and act like you give a shit. She obviously still has feelings for you.

but if you can be happier without her, then it's not a bad thing.
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Old 06-05-2012, 10:19 AM   #14
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it seems like you closed yourself off, even in these last stages. You've been shutting doors to the people around you, even your closest relationships. It is no wonder that this was the result.

It sounds like the symptoms of depression and I am very happy to read you are being proactive in seeking out treatment.

In order to salvage this relationship ending (which I agree with others here is possible) you'll need to commit to a big and immediate change in the way you've been communicating, which in itself could feel like a huge risk.

It doesn't seem like you really fought for it in the end, just accepted her decision. The thing is, it seems like she was driven to that decision out of frustration, not because she doesn't want to be with you.

If you need time alone to work on your issues then fine, but if you still want this relationship consider those things and consider them quickly.

oh and PS: Don't beat yourself up too much. Be easy on yourself. Don't judge yourself too harshly. So long as you know you're doing what you can to be a better person and to learn from past mistakes, you are doing well!
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Old 06-13-2012, 09:43 AM   #15
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Resist the temptation to pick up the phone and cry. Don't beg to get back together and all of a sudden start admitting your faults. You don't want to come across as a needy person and create another reason for her to pull away.

Be a man, respect the womans decision and make the best of it. Work overtime, work on your personal issues. Set goals and achieve them, in short. Keep yourself busy. You'll be surprised on how well this works out for you in the long run. Sure, the best thing to do is take ownership and admit youre wrong but do you want her back or do you want closure? there's a difference.

If you want her back and it sounds like you do, you need to buck up and show independence from her. Women are very smart, curious and observant, they will wonder how you're doing, how you took it so well and eventually maybe check in on you. When they do, let them know that you're doing well but also tell the truth that you miss certain things about her. IF, you're worried she has someone else on the side, calling her and begging is not going to change things. Matter of fact, taking my advice will probably bring out the truth. If she doesn't bother to call or check in, she probably has someone else.

One thing I always tell people that are lovesick over someone is The only way to keep a woman's heart is to break it.
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Old 06-16-2012, 04:24 PM   #16
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