[Confidential] Finding the girl of your dreams

[El Bastardo]

The following is a confidential post. If the member would like to reply to any comments please PM me


Hey guys, I just wanted to ask for your help here today.. I am 18 years old and going to start university in the fall. I have been feeling very lonely lately, it has turned into serious depression. I've always wanted a girlfriend, a soulmate, but never had any luck finding one.

I have a small amount of real friends, and now that high school is over, everyone is busy this summer with work and whatever they're doing.. They don't even have time to talk or message, I try to msg them but they just don't seem interested at all, like they seem busy in their lives to have time for me. I'm drifting away from my really close friends, and I hate it, it's sad to see time separate us like that, and there's nothing you can do. Thats not the point here, the point is I have learned that, for me atleast, friends are not always there.

And I need someone who is.....

I want to start dating someone for a long-term relationship, but I just can't find anyone. I have a specific type in mind but I just don't know what to do or where to start. The whole day, I just sit at home and do chores or go to the gym; I don't get out much, if at all, even if I did I am shy as hell and I don't think I'd meet many new people due to my introversion. I don't know how people do it, how they talk to a random girl they randomly meet (ex. on a bus), and bring it up from there and eventually end up dating or atleast become good friends.

I am just so lost and depressed, I have had experience with a girl before, but didn't end well... My family is not supportive of me at all, so no luck there. And before someone says "its your first year in uni, your life has just started, have fun, live your life", I just can't do it.. this has been deep down inside my heart forever, and I need someone to support me through life, I can't do it alone.....

Sorry to be all depressing and sad, I'm not usually like this, and that is why I've posted because it has become unbearable nowadays.
Any help is appreciated

[El Bastardo]

I'm gonna take a moment to remind y'all that there's now a rule about this alpha/beta terminology that has somehow infested this particular subforum.

The tl;dr is: Don't use it in here.

[Araaadi]

In my opinion, a girlfriend isn't a good replacement for your other friends, and my best advice to finding a girlfriend is just to try. Remember any of the girls who you had a crush on in high school? Message some of them, see if anyone wants to hang out, try to build up your confidence, and see if you can get a deeper connection with any of them. You can't just make any girl your girlfriend because your desperate, best thing is to put yourself out there and talk and flirt with some girls, go on dates with many different girls, sooner or later you will find a girl who will make a good girlfriend to you. Be confident, and don't seem to desperate.

[radioman]

I know you said you have a specific type in mind but maybe just try anything.

The example you used about the girl on the bus. Do you think you'll ever see this girl again? If you strike out heck man that's life just move on to the next. You've just got to get it out of your head that asking a girl out can be difficult, woman don't usually make that first move so it's on you just try it.

Good luck man we're all looking for that special one deep down

[nabs]

you will meet a lot of new people in university, you'll make a lot of friends, and a lot of girls =).

be open to dating find out what you really want in a girl, you will surprise yourself.

[sekin67835]

Try to join a club that you think you will fit in, and sign up to become an executive of the club. Try talking to classmates left and right of you no matter if it's a guy or girl. Don't think talking to a guy is a waste of time. These guys can hook you up and bring you into their social groups if you're losing HS friends.

Before you even look for a girl, think about why a girl would be attracted to you. Why would a girl not be attracted to you? Think about the qualities that you can work on, and the faults that you cannot change. Work on your positive side and don't be afraid of your weaknesses.

Being an introvert is fine, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to strangers with your own persona and confidence. Try talking to yourself in the mirror everyday for 5 minutes. Gradually, you will learn to be able to talk more freely without stuttering.

Also practice your smile. A smile will go miles. Smile at everyone. Not one of those fake smiles, but a genuine smile that goes all the way to your eyes. Practice it and smile at everyone you see. This will not only improve your image, but strangers may be more willing to talk to you or even approach you first.

Learn to make small talk. Don't just talk about the weather. Talk about your vacation trips, school (a bit boring but sometimes it can be a great topic), your hobbies.

Now that you can hold a conversation, be confident while you talk, and have some social groups that holds parties or events, you are more ready to look for your significant other. However, I suggest you don't "look" for one, but rather "let" one show up. But these girls aren't going to show up unless you're meeting them. Be genuine about each person you meet, and if you are attracted to them, ask them to chill/study/eat. Remember, first impression is pretty important, and the girl may have decided whether you are dateable.

edit*

Before you think about how depressed you are, and how improving your social skills is going to be a daunting task, think about the other people who have hardships in their life. No one goes through life without fucking shit up. There are many people in your situation but there are also many people who will want to help you become the person you want.

Also, before you go looking for the girl of your dreams, how will you know what you really want if you haven't even really dated yet? Go out and try to date as many girls as you can before it's too late.

[dlo]

You're 18, chill out lol, ull meet new people that you will click with, be social and the girls will come on, be yourself especially and one day, that one girl will be yours

[Jegz]

smoke a blunt

[!Yaminashi]

Don't be in such a rush to find a girlfriend. It's not always rainbows and smiles like hollywood plays it out to be.

My advice, stop obsessing over finding a girlfriend. It isnt necessarily going to make your life 200% better, and for all you know it, the girl you end up dating could be a very busy person as well. Then what? You're back at square one where everyone but you is busy.

Get out there and enjoy your summer instead of sitting inside moping. I know that may sound a little harsh but when you're looking for something, you usually dont find it.

[LSF22]

Originally Posted by sekin67835

Also, before you go looking for the girl of your dreams, how will you know what you really want if you haven't even really dated yet? Go out and try to date as many girls as you can before it's too late.

QFT.


Finding the girl of your dreams at 18 would make you the 1%. As others have already mentioned, just do your thing, be yourself... go on dates and the girls will come and eventually that right one will find you.

Good luck

[j.f0ng]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

And before someone says "its your first year in uni, your life has just started, have fun, live your life"

As much as you probably don't want to hear it, it is the truth. University will be quite a change. You will definitely meet new people, and who knows what you may come across in the future.

And I agree with what !Yaminashi said about not finding what you're looking for. I've been told that if you constantly have the "looking for a girlfriend mode" turned on, its not going to play well on your side. Instead, just chill out and focus on other things in your life. Girls will come into your life naturally. I can back this up from personal experience. If you constantly think you're lonely, you probably will end up being lonely. So just relax and try not to get so caught up on trying to find a girlfriend.

[yray]

Dude, it's so easy to meet girls in first year. Dont hesitate in first year to make a shitload of girl friends, it will help you in 300/400 level when your classes are all guys and hippie girls. Don't worry about it, waltz into class, start talking and sit beside some chick. I wish I had 100 level classes now

[dinosaur]

I think you are trying to find a LTR because you think it will cure your depression. It won't. In the beginning you will be on cloud 9 and think all your problems have been solved, but then the real relationship begins....and those are full of highs and lows.

Like others have said, you are 18...you are in a huge transition of your life right now. Going to university is going to change EVERYTHING! New friends, new girls, new school, new responsibilities, etc....don't put so much pressure on yourself....soak it all up and have fun!

Next year at this time, having a LTR at 19 while in uni will be the last think you want!

[Gridlock]

Dude...don't be depressed about it, this is EXACTLY what happens.

At 17, my parents split up, and my family home was sold. Then my sister moved away. I moved to Halifax with a room mate that turned out to be a bag of fucking drama. I, quite literally, have never felt so alone in my life. There was no where for me to go "home" to, and despite my shit hanging on the walls, my apartment felt more like a prison than that sit-com style paradise it was supposed to.

At that point, for a LOT of people, its a huge transition. You go through high school, and its a fake little world, and then it ends and you start seeing that no one really gives a fuck anymore. The key is, you will adapt.

[Traum]

The stuff Sekin said in post #6 is pure gold. I wish someone has driven that idea into my head when I was in 1st year.

Honestly, getting seriously involved with a club (sign up to be an exec) is one of the easiest and best way to make a ton of new friends in a hurry. As an added benefit, you'll also pick up a boatload of soft skills (people skills, organization skills, team work skills, etc.) that will carry right over into your adult life.

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster


Wow, thanks for the support guys!

@Araaadi: Good tip, I have only had a crush on one girl for about 2-3 years, I asked her out.. But it didn't end well like I said. But I'm not really desperate.. Just losing myself, and I think I need someone to stop it happening. Thing is, i don't know how to put myself out there, for me its easier said than done.

@radioman66 Yeah thanks for your reply, I didn't realize that I'd have to make the first move, but it seems hard anyway cause I'm so scared of what happened before with the last one, it felt bad I even cried too, and thanks hope you find yours as well man ...

@nabs Hmm I don't know, I really don't have much expectations for uni tbh cause I'm not very social and stuff so it would be hard to make friends there I guess.

@sekin67835 Wow, thanks for the advice dude! I'll try to find a club I like and join it, but since I'm new that'll take some time. And it's hard to talk to people randomly like I said, I just can't do it, I don't knwo what to do I always wait for people to apporach me first, not out of rudeness but I'm just shy. I've never thought of thinking about my positives or negatives, I will try that somehow lol. Yeah, I try to smile everytime I see someone just to brighten up their day if they're sad and whatnot. Really need to work on my small talk man, not good at that AT ALL -.-. I mean its true, people do have it way worse than me.. I'll try "looking" for girls, we'll see how it goes. Thanks for your reply!

@NBPTL604 You're sorta right, the more I just chill out the more girls come to me.. But I don't know how to move it further than friendship..

@!Yaminashi Wow, I can see where you are coming from and you are definitely right, but the thing is I don't know HOW to enjoy my summer, like damn everyones busy, and gone no one gives a fk about anyone now.. Just don't know what to do, for example I love house and trance music but I just can't go to see any concerts or any raves because my friends just aren't into that, and I can't go alone, right?

@LSF22 I'll try my best, I'll be lucky if I can get only one date let alone dating many girls T_T

@j.f0ng You're also right, but the thing is I'm tired of this lonely feeling, it's always there deep down inside. I know uni will be a huge change, but honestly, all I see is myself doing in uni is studying my ass off.. Anyways, I'll try and relax man, thanks

@yray LOL. You make it sound so damn easy! If only it was!!

@dinosaur I can see where you're coming from but wouldn't it be better to go through the highs and lows of life with someone by your side? Maybe you're right, maybe I should just give up on love like I did, and focus on my life instead.. But then the sadness/loneliness/depression is still there

@Gridlock Wow man, I am so sorry to hear that, hope you're doing good in life now man. But that really fking sucks, hell it sounds sorta like my life atm.. My "home" isn't really a home, too many problems here, feels like a jail cell. I sure hope I adapt, high school was always fake, I always saw it that way.. Didn't think it turned out to be like this though.

@Traum Yeah I really need to be more involved with ECs -.-

Thanks for all your replies guys, you're all opening my mind by giving me such awesome advice/opinions.. If I missed someone I apologize.

[nabs]

Trust me man, I used to be the most socially awkward guy ever, people would invite me out and stuff, I would go but would never talk to anyone and just sit in a corner.

Just learn to be social... I know of people who even go to toastmasters meetings for that very reason. It helps you be social, which will help you make a lot of friends. One day I decided that enough was enough and just started talking to people about my interests, and what do you know.

You will meet the right girl eventually, but you have to put yourself out there, and that is what university will help you with. Your life will change once you start school, its just up to you whether for the better or for the worse.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

1) read the game (seriously).
2) improve your physical look... ex. gym, clothes or whatever.
3) go practice.
4) fail.
5) repeat 3.

it's the only way buddy.

it sounds like you don't have very many friends, and the ones u consider close, arent really that close.

be realistic.
if you're not good looking, improve on that.
if you stutter and act awkward, improve on that.
whatever you need to improve on, improve on.

women are like money, you have to work at it, and as soon as u stop working at it, you lose it.

instead of trying to target girls. target everyone. make friends. genuinely.
the more friends you make, the more girls you'll meet anyway, friends of friends etc. etc.


BTW. if you do get a girl, she'll dump you with your current attitude.

"i need someone to support me in life, i can't do it alone"

TRUST ME. NO GIRL WANTS TO BE A MOTHER OR A BABYSITTER OR A PSYCHOTHERAPIST... listening to your problems and worries all day.
NO WOMAN will ever stay with you if you're just a big baby. it's tiring.

once in a while yeah, but all the time, or majority of the time no.

that's what your guy friends are for, your family is for, your closest buddys are for. which you seem to be lacking.

anyways, there's a fudemental problem right now, and you've seen to semi addressed it.
it's you. so you have to improve you, one step at a time.
take a look in the mirror. ask honest and close people what you could improve on.

remember women are like money. they dont just fucking drop on your lap.
it's hard work.

and you'll realise, the better you are at one, the better you get at the other.

realise your depression and you being a hopeless romantic isn't helping.
your ideal of what love is, is only your perception.

the second you get a woman, you'll be happy... temporarily, until you realise it's not what you thought it was.

you're too attached to a dream that isnt real.

love doesn't work the way you imagine it does.


your biggest goal is to defeat your shyness. you should work on that every single day.

start with small stuff. smile at strangers. hold doors open for people. say hi and smile.
if u go to the bank, respond to the tellers. just talk. as if they were your friend.
don't be afraid of them. there's nothing to fear.
join toastmasters. get better at making public speeches.

i bet if a stranger started to talk to you, and they warmed up to you, you'd have no problem talking to them openly right?
so it's the same. you have to warm up to the stranger you talk to.

there's a difference between introversion and shyness. they are not the same.
and introvert can be very outgoing.

look at arnold, or bill gates. the list can go on, they're all introverts. but they're not shy. they got over their shyness. and so can you.

seriously, read the game to start, you can download it online if u dont wanna spend money.
read it, and just believe in it, and you don't have to mimic them, but u have to build the skill which all the characters in the book have built, confidence. control that fear.
realise that fear feeling is nothing but your own imagination. there IS nothing to fear. your reputation isnt going down whenever someone rejects you or thinks your a weirdo.

what if i told u those guys that go up to random girls on the bus, feel the same fear as you. would you be surprised?

[Glove]

why cant we say beta anymore?

that shits hilarious

[murd0c]

Originally Posted by Glove

why cant we say beta anymore?

that shits hilarious

Because it's about helping someone and not getting a laugh or into an argument.


OP: you are 18 and have tons of time. You just finished school so go out have fun and try new things. In the process of getting your mind off things and enjoying life you will meet new people and you never know what could happen.

The most important thing is to think positive and have fun and enjoy life. The worst you can do is sit at home and think about it because that will put in in more of a rut then you already are. It's all about experiance and you should go outside the box and see what you can do because you will surprise yourself what you can incomplish and like I said will never know what will happen.

[strykn]

ulic if you wrote a book on life i'd buy it (100% srs)

[Glove]

Originally Posted by murd0c

Because it's about helping someone and not getting a laugh or into an argument.

I thought this was RS...

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster

@nabs Yeah man, I am definitely trying my best to work on that stuff. Guess I just have to face my fears and be more social, putting myself out there. Thanks for the advice, appreciate it brah.

@Ulic-Qel-Droma WOW, that is EXACTLY what I was looking for. Not that the other replies weren't awesome, that was so thorough... And true.... When I meant support I didn't mean talk to her about my problems 24/7, just meant for her to be with me by my side and enjoy life with me most, if not all, of the time. Thing is, I don't know what to improve on man, my looks are average, I don't know what to do. I don't have a job, so I can't really buy many expensive clothes and what not and spend a whole lot of MY money on that stuff, guess I'd have to ask my parents on that.. That is really true though, I really need to work on my appearance so I can catch eyes first then let the personality catch on. I just don't know where to start, I have been hitting the gym but haven't seen that much of a difference. You're right on the shyness too, staying at home all day is not helping at all. I mean I'm not THAT anti-social, like I can converse with random people if they come up to me (ex. like you said the bank teller) pretty well. It's just weird, like I'd be so depressed that I drift away from friends and never hang out and stuff with them, but when they do ask to hang out I get super anxious/scared, and bitch out by saying I have other plans and whatnot.. I hate it, I don't mean to be rude or anything to people or anything, it's just.... I don't know, I guess it's me *sigh*. Also, for me, warming up seems to take a while, I overthink stuff and just never end up doing it. For example, I visited my cousins for the first time in ever, and I was shy as hell I barely talked, and they probably thought that I was weird or something, wish I got to know them better though, anyhow I think it's because I think waaaaay to much on how/when/where i'd approach someone so they dont' think I'm weird or anything... I don't know, I think sitting at home and watching brown movies is just making this worse -.-.
I think the reason I don't get girls is because I'm too nice, even girls told me that 'you're too nice, girls like it when guys are selfish'.. Don't know if that says much.... But yeah I mean I am too nice, I can't be selfish, but I know I have to.

But seriously, thank you for your response man, you don't know how much it has made me rethink myself, the below comment is right, if you'd write a book, i'd definitely buy it. Sorry for the long ass paragraph, but thanks again bro.

@murd0c Yeah man, I always worry too much and overthink things which makes the situation worse than it is, problem is.. I don't know HOW to think positively, I see no point in it tbh because the negatives are what need addressing... I definitely need to get out more, but I just don't know where to go/what to do."

[Verdasco]

you're too attached to a dream that isnt real.

love doesn't work the way you imagine it does.

fucking money quote right here from ulic, also, is the game a movie?

i personally do not think the term alpha/beta applies here since he is just 18 and finished high school going to university. He aint those clubbing/going to the gym types, sounds like the book smart guy

[Powerslide]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster

I think the reason I don't get girls is because I'm too nice, even girls told me that 'you're too nice, girls like it when guys are selfish'.. Don't know if that says much.... But yeah I mean I am too nice, I can't be selfish, but I know I have to.

Download or buy a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. Read through it, even do the exercises. I think regardless of whether you do or don't read "The Game," give this one a try.

You're 18, a perfect time to start to transform yourself. Trust me, if you take this seriously in a few years you'll look back and barely recognize yourself.
And another bonus - once you get moving and start making changes in your thought patterns and habits, change comes much more quickly than you anticipate.