Eating Sushi, Y U NO EAT RIGHT

[Tim Budong]

Heard the writer of this article on CFOX explaining his article on eating sushi. It was fucking hilarious

So i'm gonna share it. Don't TL;DR this because he hits it spot on

Tetsuro Shigematsu: Eating Sushi? You Are Doing it Wrong

If a real friend is the person who tells you when you have bad breath, then what I'm about to tell you will make me your best friend; whenever you eat sushi, you are embarrassing yourself. That's right, the abominations you commit to your California Roll bring shame upon your whole family. In fact, you may as well commit ritual disembowelment right now. (Especially if you're Asian.) Actually, you'll probably mess that up too. Just keep reading.

CHOPSTICKS

Are you one of those people who rub their chopsticks together? Do you proudly explain to your rube aunt from Kelowna that this is how you get rid of the splinters? Dude, look around you. This isn't Quest for Fire. You are not Survivorman Les Stroud, trying to get some kindling to smoke. You are in a sushi-ya on Broadway.

"But what about the splinters?"

The next time you're in a Japanese restaurant, conduct this experiment. Unsheath your 'sticks, wrap your lips around them, now joust with your uvula. If you so much get the slightest pinprick of a sliver, I will personally take you to the emergency room... in Kyoto, Japan.

When you rub your chopsticks, understand that you're using flag semaphore to signal to the world that this joint is so low rent they can't even afford splinter-less chopsticks.

If you can't refrain, just do it beneath the table really fast. If your fist pounds against the underside, so be it. With any luck, people will assume you're engaging in roughly equivalent socially inappropriate behavior. Don't worry. The Japanese obsession with dining etiquette is exceeded only by their sexual perversity.



SOY SAUCE

You use too much. I don't care if you like the way it tastes. Go raise your blood pressure at McDonald's. In a sushi-ya you are dealing with artists who are easily offended.

Tell me something. When you're out at a fancy restaurant, and the waiter places the plate before you, do you automatically reach for the salt? Because when you do, you reveal that you were raised in a barn. Your actions are saying, "I'm just gonna assume that this dish -- that someone went to school to learn how to prepare -- will be so insipid, so bland, I have to make it snow sodium before I shove it down my gullet."

Do you think the chef in the kitchen sampled the soup and said, "Hmmm, could use a little more salt, but I'm going to let that genius at table five add the finishing touch."

You like salt. I get it. But don't disfigure the sushi chef's creation by testing the absorbency of the rice like you're re-enacting a tampon commercial. You're better off sipping Kikkoman from your drinking glass, and passing it off as a pint of Guinness.

Now I can already hear some of you whining: "Leave me alone. I'll eat it the way I like."

Sure, go ahead. Be the ugly American. Be the ugly Canadian. But the next time you're sitting in the subway, and the fresh-off-the-boat refugee next to you removes their socks, and starts cutting their toe nails, before you shoot them a dirty look, just remember; that's you!

DOING IT RIGHT

Okay, enough criticism. Here's how to do it. Take a seat at the counter. When Hiroshi (yes, that's his stage name, because he's actually Korean) presents you with a platter...

Don't move. Don't reach for the 'sauce. Don't break the 'sticks. Just stare.

You want to wear the haunted expression of an Incan high priest who is about to sacrifice a gorgeous virgin on the altar; a mixture of wonder and sorrow. Contemplate the koan: "Too beautiful to eat, too beautiful not to."

Suck wind through your teeth, slowly shake your head. Look constipated, as if you are trying to push something out. Finally blurt out, "It... is... EXCELLENT!"

As you partake, close your eyes, and quietly mutter obscenities under your breath. If talking dirty at yellowtail doesn't sound like your cup of tea, try weeping softly. Nothing says "your fatty tuna is soooooo buttery" quite like mascara running down your cheeks. In fact, any unmitigated emotional expression is game. I've seen salarymen in Tokyo slam their fists into the counter shouting "Bakayaro!" (Translation: Dumb-ass motherf***er!)

In fact, skip your meds, and let all your personalities come out. As you careen maniacally from hysterical cackling to growling panegyric lust, don't be surprised if your sushi chef starts plating you super-exotic dishes that are waaaay off menu like puffer-fish gonads or marinated Pygmy foreskins (these are okay to chew loudly).

When you leave, bow a little as you walk backwards, as though you shart yourself and you don't want anyone to see, (bonus points if you actually did). You don't have to speak Japanese, but seem apologetic and embarrassed at having been lulled into revealing so much of your hidden personalities.

The next time you come in, it'll be like Cheers, where everybody knows your name. And as you belly up to the counter and you see someone rubbing chopsticks, resist the impulse to suggest suicide. That American tourist is bound to misinterpret your good intentions. Leave it to the professionals by sharing this article.

[Ch28]

He's right about the soy sauce part but wrong about the rubbing of chopsticks. There are so many sushi places in Vancouver that use the cheap ass shit type that have splinters everywhere once broken apart.

[MG1]

I prefer Yamasa over Kikkoman. Definitely not Kimlan. Not for sushi, at least.

None of the soy sauces are from Japan these days, anyway. Like cars, the ones we get are made in NA.

As for the splinter thing, if there were any, it ain't going to reach your lips because it's at the other end.

Speaking of which, I find it more disturbing watching people use the eating end of chopstick to pick up food from a serving/sharing plate. Flip the chopstick over, instead. Also sucking or biting the chopstick - kids do that, adults shoudn't.

Finally, who gives a rats ass......... just enjoy the freaking meal. Unless it's a hot chick, you don't look/watch/stare at others eating.

[SkinnyPupp]

People can use as much soy sauce as they want, it's all a matter of taste. Some people like it more than others.

Retarded writing style too

[yray]

chopsticks use your hand

[MG1]

I love frozen sashimi. Poke holes in it to get soy sauce to stick to it, LOL.

I wish we could get fresh wasabi around here (readily available and at a decent price).

Once in a while, for a change, I use hot mustard or freshly grated ginger instead of wasabi. I also love marinated sashimi. Gee, is that too much soy sauce? LOLOLOL.

[AzNightmare]

Interesting article. But I think it was trying too hard to be funny while at it.
Felt a bit long-winded to get to the point.

Meh, I like doing woodwork, and it peeves the hell out of me when there's splinters on chopsticks.
I like my chopsticks "sanded down" smooth, even the connected ends.
In fact, I enjoy grinding the two chopsticks together while I have nothing better to do when waiting for my meal to arrive to the table.

And it's not even about splinters, it's about eating loose bits of wood that can possibly get stuck in your food or just simply fall off in your mouth.
I know, not a big deal. No one's going to die from swallowing a little splinter of wood, but why not shave it off prior to eating... just because you can.

What's annoying is when the chopsticks are so poorly made that after splitting them, you get one stick with a big bulge at the top,
and the other one's sharpened like a spear. And I swear it's not because of my lack of "chopstick-splitting" skills.

Also, Sushi is pretty dry in general. I would think you're SUPPOSED to and EXPECTED to eat it with some soy sauce.

[Calbeee]

reading this actually pissed me off. its like the author is trying SO HARD to be funny, but turned out not funny at all (my opinion). seems to me like a guy that ran out of things to write, and tried to make a daily rant funny, but failed.

[hal0g0dv2]

lol at people who get mad at people eating food, diff strokes for diff folks

[dbaz]

Japanese Sushi Documentary - YouTube

saw this while over in japan. kinda funny if you actually know the proper way to eat sushi and proper way to act in a sushi restaurant

edit: i should clarify this is by a comedy group making fun of their own culture and you really only need to follow certain"rules" while in japan

[Grandmaster TSE]

yeah, heard him on CFOX, hes a pretty funny guy

[Ronin]

I stopped reading at "California roll".

Any article that talks about eating sushi right and makes mention of California rolls can't possible be worth reading.

[sonick]

He also missed one point that is often overlooked by diners... For Nigiri, you are supposed to eat the entire piece in one bite. Of course this doesn't work for the low budget gigantic Samurai/Banzai sushi type joints, but when you're at a decent sushi place, it should be taken in all in one bite.

Also, if you have to use Wasabi/Soy Sauce, it's frowned upon to make the 'Soy/Wasabi Slurry Soup'

[pinn3r]

author sounds like one of those try-hard wannabe-funny faggot melvin-looking kids


and seriously does it matter how you eat food, no matter what it's gonna be in ur stomach

[AzNightmare]

What's wrong with the slurry "soup"? It's efficient.
Speaking of soy/wasabi,

I always see people pour a dish/tray of soy sauce,
Then they put in their clump of wasabi.
Then start to stab and mix at the clumps which never go away.

What people should do is put the wasabi in first,
Pour in just a little bit of soy sauce and mix the wasabi/soy,
Once it's an even brown pasty mix,
Then pour in more soy sauce to fill your dish/tray.

[SkinnyPupp]

There's nothing wrong with the "soup". I used to think so based on what I had read (although I did it anyway) but as soon as I went to Japan I saw all the locals doing it.. so then I realized that people writing these shitty articles are just smart asses trying to look smart. But really they are just clueless so we can go back to ignoring them

[Verdasco]

Anyone else want to punch the author right on the chin?? Reminds me of the lady saying guys suck in vancouver. Just FUCK OFF....... not funny

[Redlines_Daily]

just sayin..

[LiquidTurbo]

Originally Posted by Ronin

I stopped reading at "California roll".

Any article that talks about eating sushi right and makes mention of California rolls can't possible be worth reading.

Why so snobby? Cali rolls are a part of westcoast sushi here, maybe not authentic Japanese sushi, but after all, we aren't living in Japan.

[LiquidTurbo]

Originally Posted by SkinnyPupp

People can use as much soy sauce as they want, it's all a matter of taste. Some people like it more than others.

Retarded writing style too

Theres a LITTLE truth in what he's saying. Some of the top places don't offer soy sauce.. it comes the way the master says it should..

For example:

Japan Sukiyabashi Jiro 3-Star Sushi - YouTube

[shenmecar]

Im gonna eat sushi the way I like to eat sushi.

[vafanculo]

I heard this guy on cfox. Didnt hear him talk about this article, but when I read this article, I had a feeling he was behind it.

He tries too hard to be funny. He sounded on the show like he wants to be the Asian chris rock. He said a bunch of wtf jokes. Even went as far as saying japanese are far superior than Chinese.

The guys a cock.

[Ronin]

Originally Posted by LiquidTurbo

Why so snobby? Cali rolls are a part of westcoast sushi here, maybe not authentic Japanese sushi, but after all, we aren't living in Japan.

I wasn't making a judgment on California rolls...although, yes, I don't like them...I'm commenting on why the article isn't worth reading. Isn't that the focus of the article? How people here aren't "doing it right" like in Japan?

If that's the case, then by nature, California Rolls are already doing it wrong...so none of the bullshit he talks about applies.

I mean, the reason behind limiting soy sauce is to let the fish speak for itself but when you're eating imitation crab and mayo...then why on earth would how much soy sauce you're using matter?

Just a stupid article. Completely useless. If it was written as a joke, then it isn't funny enough. If it isn't a joke, then that's just sad because the things I wouldn't do in Japan I wouldn't even think twice about here even in the fanciest Japanese restaurant...because no one would give two shits here about all the ridiculous things Japanese people consider rude.

[belaud]

Oh my god LiquidTurbo, that looks like orgasms upon orgasms

[GLOW]

best sushi is "sushi in the raw"