I Screwed Up... Big

[yogenfruz]

So, as a bit of back story for this, just before Valentine's Day, my girlfriend of about 3 years dumped me as she believed we were "becoming two different" and she was "sacrificing too much being with me." She explained it as, I'm too "mature for my age;" I enjoy spending nights in rather than going out to parties or the club each weekend. With us being early 20's, it's an odd thing, and she believed that she was missing out on a lot of things by staying in with me as much as we were at times.

Fast forward about a month, and her birthday rolls around. Her and a bunch of people on our work team go out, all get pretty hammered and I guess she ended up making out with our supervisor. Now, I've never had anything against him, he came clean to me about it the next morning and wanted to assure me that it was a mistake, and that the same thing would be said to her. Her and I briefly talk about it via text, and I tell her that I'm hurt by her having moved on so fast, but she's single and can do what she wants. And then we just move on to trying to be friends as we work together still this year.

Now about a week ago, her and I were talking and she ended up propositioning a NSA hookup. Just straight sex, all physical with no emotion, until we both move for the summer. This is where my mistake came in.... I made the decision with the wrong head.

Now we're hanging out and ended up having a discussion about how we feel. I told her I still loved her, and always will, but not in the same way I used to. She says essentially the same thing, and asks if I want to get back together. We end up making a decision to do whatever for now, and part ways over the summer, and if I feel like I want back together, unless something else happens over the course of 4 months, then we will. But right now, things have gotten really relationship-y; she's just overly affectionate.

My problem is, I don't want to be with her. When she left, I went into a bit of a rough phase; I stopped going to classes, or talking to people. I drank for about 2 weeks and just put on a smile whenever I was around people. I was finally starting to feel better when April rolled around; semester ending, summer starting, nice weather, everything was looking up. Then this.

I'll be the first to admit, sleeping with her was a mistake, and I regretted it the next day, as I just had that gut feeling that this would happen. And now, I feel like she's expecting me to want to stay together either over the summer, or when we get back to school, get back together. I told her that "I don't think I can be in a relationship for a long time after what happened." Hence why she came up with the "wait the summer" plan.

I just know I won't want to stay together during the summer, or get back together after the summer. But I'm not sure how to say it besides just saying it. It kills me though, because I can't stand being the reason someone is upset, and I cave to make people happy.

So, with the amount of advice I've seen given on here, I thought I'd give it a shot.



Oh, one more thing. There's another girl that I'm somewhat interested in, and I have a feeling that it's mutual. Anyway, after blurting the whole "I don't think I can be in a relationship for a while" line, I realized how dumb it was, as I wouldn't mind starting something with this other girl at some point down the road...

[Recon604]

so you two work together?

Move on, get a different job cuz shes a distraction to you. Shes in her early 20s, most girls tat age go into the night lifestyle. All they want is to party and live it up.

Where guys it is the time to make money, finish education and find an occupation.

Focus on your studies cuz tats whats important for you. And about the other girl, get to know her during the summer! Spend time with her! And yah maybe down the road you guys might want to get together.

[bloodline129]

^^^ what he said

[!Yaminashi]

IMO she broke it off with you because she felt she was missing out on partying without a second thought about how you felt.

Since you're single right now I say you look out for your own interests. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, straight up say it. If you want this new girl, go for it.

[dinosaur]

Originally Posted by yogenfruz

My problem is, I don't want to be with her. When she left, I went into a bit of a rough phase; I stopped going to classes, or talking to people. I drank for about 2 weeks and just put on a smile whenever I was around people. I was finally starting to feel better when April rolled around; semester ending, summer starting, nice weather, everything was looking up. Then this.

I'll be the first to admit, sleeping with her was a mistake, and I regretted it the next day, as I just had that gut feeling that this would happen. And now, I feel like she's expecting me to want to stay together either over the summer, or when we get back to school, get back together. I told her that "I don't think I can be in a relationship for a long time after what happened." Hence why she came up with the "wait the summer" plan.

I just know I won't want to stay together during the summer, or get back together after the summer. But I'm not sure how to say it besides just saying it. It kills me though, because I can't stand being the reason someone is upset, and I cave to make people happy.

Then don't.

Just say, "no".

You know what you need to do. You said it yourself. Just say it to her.

You have 2 choices: tell her the truth, or spend the whole relationship NOT breaking up with her because you feel bad.

There needs to be some level of selfishness in a relationship....this is YOUR time.

[Lamboda]

It's ironic how she broke up with you and now she wants you back. People want what they can't get, in this case your "girlfriend" is the prime example.

Look, you need to do whatever makes YOU happy. If you don't like clubbing and instead you like to sit at home chill watch some movies do that man. Find someone who shares the same interests as you. It isn't cool if you stay at home and your girlfriend goes clubbing, one day something might happen.

As to the new girl that you're interested in, who gives a fuck? So you've told your girlfriend that you're not looking for a relationship or to get back together. Just go for the new girl that you're interested in. Do what makes YOU happy. Listen, I've had a girl tell me the exact same thing and 3 days later, shes in a relationship already. People lie and people change. You can't please everyone in this world.

[nma]

man the fuck up

[Iceman-19]

Not sure where the screw up was. You have a Fuck buddy til summer. When you want to move on, say so. Win win.

[yogenfruz]

The problem is, I'm pretty sure she's thinking we're back together now... She's been super clingy and always wants to hang out again.

[6793026]

the best thing to do, is walk the FUCK away. you'll feel like a boss having an upper hand.

[bcrdukes]

As a fellow ISTP - Don't do it.

[Culture_Vulture]

Originally Posted by yogenfruz

So, as a bit of back story for this, just before Valentine's Day, my girlfriend of about 3 years dumped me as she believed we were "becoming two different" and she was "sacrificing too much being with me."

I think this pretty much put the nail in the coffin for me.

In past relationships, including those with long-time close friends, sometimes this feeling does start to occur.

Point in case, 7 months ago, my best friend of almost 10 years and I got into an argument over something minuscule and retarded, but it escalated in one way or another and I basically ended up saying to his face that I don't want to hang out with him anymore because he's (to be completely direct) uneducated and going nowhere in life.
Now, I said that out of rage, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was the case. It wasn't as if he was heading down a dangerous path that would have had me caught up in it--for all intents and purposes, he was a "good person". But, he had been an academic failure (and was still in school wasting time and tuition money) with no ambitions in life, living off his wealthy parents and essentially spent his time at home playing video games and dicking around.
I realized that him and I had a lot in common: back in high school, we listened to the same music, hung around the same people, worked out together, played the same video games, enjoyed the same foods, etc. etc., but as I was nearing the end of my academic career and had a lot of projects and ambitions moving forward, I felt like hanging out with him and doing the things that we both enjoyed doing was not enough--particularly because he wasn't open to new experiences and much preferred living in the rut that he'd been living in for the past 3 years.

The same happened with my ex of 3 years--in addition to a myriad of other relationship problems, we were just too different, and I actually felt like I was sacrificing too much just to be with her. As in the case with my friend, whenever my ex and I spent time together, it would only be to do the things that BOTH of had a shared interest in, which left little room for me to explore the other interests and projects that I wanted to pursue.

You start realizing when you spend enough time with any one person (regardless of whether or not the relationship is sexual in nature) that unless both parties are extremely open and willing to try new things that they previously had absolutely no interest in, eventually you'll end up in a rut.
Sometimes, I suppose it's not a bad thing, particularly when you feel like you're at a stage where you can afford to settle down (or just slow down from life to take a breather)--like having to spend 4 years to do school routinely, or having found steady long-termed employment--situations where you don't feel like you have so many other prospects and options that would distract you from being "tied down" with somebody.

[Iceman-19]

Originally Posted by yogenfruz

The problem is, I'm pretty sure she's thinking we're back together now... She's been super clingy and always wants to hang out again.

Ill let you in on a secret. There is a special word you can say in cases where you don't want want to hang out..........no. Repeat after me. No. If she starts to lose interest you win. If she whines or bitches at you, hang up or don't answer her texts. You owe her nothing. She broke up with you. Stop letting her own you. Even better, start doing stuff in bed with her you know she didnt like or refused when you were together. Either she takes the load in her eye, or you walk. Again, win. Like I said, if you approach this correct, there is no lose son.

[crazie_gsr]

it would be unfair to both you and her if you are in it just to keep her "happy". I have been down this road too many times myself and I am now learning to be more selfish and forget keeping everyone happy cause the reality is, you can't.

this girl will hang around till she finds another interest and pull the whole we are too different bs again. And by then, you will forever wonder all the what iifs with this new person of interest.

just cut it off. it is obvious you don't want to be with her anyway. staying with her only prevents new opportunities from entering. Damage has been done, that is why you are so hesitant to be with her.
Posted via RS Mobile

[Recon604]

Originally Posted by yogenfruz

The problem is, I'm pretty sure she's thinking we're back together now... She's been super clingy and always wants to hang out again.

She thinks everything okay. Dude tell her that your done with her. She done so many shit to you. Like makin out with ur supervisor?! that is so fcked up.

[dinosaur]

Originally Posted by yogenfruz

The problem is, I'm pretty sure she's thinking we're back together now... She's been super clingy and always wants to hang out again.

If she is thinking that it is because YOU have not told her otherwise!

YOU are leading her on.
YOU are answering the phone calls.
YOU are continuing to see her.
YOU are allowing her to be clingy.
YOU are being affectionate.

What the hell else do you expect her to think? You just waiting around for her to break-up with you again? Fuck man, stop pussying around and tell her whats up OR have fun struggling with this for the next 6 months until she tires of you and does it for you!

[Razor Ramon HG]

OP just has no balls.

I remember replying to him in the "Speak it Out" thread. He couldn't hang out with his buddies because his girlfriend always wanted to hang.

Back then, the woman was in control of the relationship. Now OP is in control, but instead of using it to his advantage, posts a thread on RS asking what to do.

[yogenfruz]

^ I'll fully admit, I'm a coward in this. Ball count = 0.

I have this hatred of making people upset and have always done things to make others happy, even if I have to put up with something I don't want or make a sacrifice. It's a huge problem for me, hence why I came here; hoping for a bit of advice from some more experienced people. I just hate hurting people.

It's something I'm trying to overcome; I'm slowly trying to be more selfish.

[dinosaur]

its like a band-aid. the faster you rip it off, the less it will hurt.

you'll both find other mates and 5 years from now you'll back and wonder why you tormented yourself over this 'relationship'.

[GLOW]

Originally Posted by Iceman-19

Even better, start doing stuff in bed with her you know she didnt like or refused when you were together. Either she takes the load in her eye, or you walk. Again, win. Like I said, if you approach this correct, there is no lose son.

best advice ever in the relationship forum

[dkwan101]

I think the OP is too much of a nice person. I know the feeling OP of wanting to make the other person "happy" but sometimes in life you need to put your own needs before others.

Like the others said you already know what you want, all thats left is actually doing it.

[toyobaru]

As soon as I read about making out with the supervisor, definite deal breaker. Go with the new girl, new things to experience are better than the old. I think theres nothing wrong with the "Im not ready for a relationship/girlfriend/boyfriend" then go find a new relationship. It seems like that's the new cop-out for the "its not you, its me" line

[yogenfruz]

You guys have helped a lot to be honest. I'm still pretty nervous about just going straight in and saying, "I need to be single for awhile." As I know there will be a huge fight about "You said you still love me" business... But I think in the end, it's what we'll both need.

Now it's just working up the courage to do it....

[kwy]

Get angry, that'll make it easier to say what you really feel. No offense, but fuck that bitch.

[dkwan101]

OP if she cares about you she'll understand, if she doesn't then fuck her and move on