[Confidential] Topic: How do I get her back?

[El Bastardo]

The following is a post from an anonymous Revscene member

So I got dumped on January 1st from a girl I was supposed to get engaged to of April of this year. We were in a long distance relationship but she was getting everything ready to from from Alberta to BC. Her parents and my parents both agreed to this and were happy we were getting engaged and married. Everything seemed great for a long ass time and there was honestly no red flags. I took her everywhere on road trips and partying and a musical festival down in washington state. We always planned to travel the world together and then she left me out of the blue...

Ever since she dumped me I acted clingy and desperate trying to get her back not thinking of my actions which probably scared her away more. So did no contact for about a month and wished her a happy birthday couple of days ago. The day after I broke apart again and tried to guilt trip her and convince her of all the good things I did for her which I did many and we both influenced each others lives and I got her into some hobbies and she got me interested in a lot of things as well. We both had so many common things. After guilt tripping her she got mad again and I shouldn't have done that. Should have just left it at happy birthday.

She sits at home now on her computer or on her phone talking to people she doesn't know online because she doesn't have any friends irl and I never told her not to make any I always used to tell her to make some more friends in class and to get to know people and she did sometimes. But they were mainly friends in class not outside of school. All I know she goes to school and comes back home right away after it's done. She isn't allowed much freedom to leave her house because her parents are strict about that and she was with me because she fought about it and told them she cried to her parents and told them she loved me which they eventually excepted and let us go on trips together and be with each other even though we come from different religious backgrounds. Our parents accepted our relationship.

Ever since she left me I've been feeling like absolute shit. My health, my body, and mental state have all gone to crap. I have lost 20-25 lbs since this happened, and my body is deteriorating and frankly I stopped caring. At times I just feel like disappearing and getting rid of myself from this world. I just don't know what to do anymore and I've honestly come to the point of not caring whether I die. I don't know what to do anymore I've lost all hope in life. I was about to open a business with a friend and family member and I was also setting up my career...her leaving me hit me and derailed me off my path and honestly I don't want to do anything anymore and just want to waste away into nothingness...I give up.

[Marshall Placid]

Sorry to hear about this.

Time heals everything and that is a fact.

It's only been 2+ months.

Hang in there.

Don't become a hermit.

Go out and have fun with your friends and family.

You have to definitely talk about this with close friends, and bring it all out and don't let it get bottled up.

It will help.

Be active and that will lift you out of your mood, and definitely go through the process of opening the business you referenced.

It will take your mind off of January 1st.

What is meant to be is meant to be.

Good luck.

[Mr.HappySilp]

This sounds like a joe_45 story..... but I might be wrong.

Broke up with my ex almost 8 months now. Yea it felt shitty when you are the dumpie.... LOL but you just have to go on with life. Time will heal everything it is a slow and painful process. Try to hang out with friends go out more. Best advice I can give is that if you have any of her stuff (present, pictures etc etc) at least put them away for now. You don't have to throw them but at least put them in a box and tick it away so you don't go sad when you see them.

For me what works is that it was a mature break up so we still see each and chat from time to time just making sure we are ok. WE still hang out with friends.... I guess you could say our relation mature? We still have our good times and that's what matters. I know she is a good girl and just want to make sure I ok.

[PJ]

Fuck, man.

I know that feel bro.

Almost the same situation here just happened to me a couple weeks ago. We weren't long distance, but still. I know exactly how you feel.

story/rant/whine:

Spoiler!

Everything was perfect. From the very beginning, it was pure electricity, and that honeymoon phase just never faded. I've never felt this way about anyone. Waking up with her every morning was a whole new high, and there was never a moment of doubt about anything.

We had plans to do all this and that, travel to here and there, run wild during the summer, etc. I even started moving money around to work out how we could fund our extended vacation around the world.

Then boom.

Out of the blue, she breaks it off.

Needless to say, I was crushed, and felt weaker than I've ever felt. This was just a couple weeks ago, so I'm still kind of in zombie mode right now. Today was the worst it's been so far, for some reason. Probably because I've been in shock since then, and it all just kind of hit me like a ton of bricks today. Took down the picture of us pinned to my bulletin board, gathered all the letters, photos, the rest of her things, and put them all into a box that I don't really know what to do with right now. We're still deciding if it's a good idea that we stay friends. Seeing her with anyone else down the road would absolutely devastate me, so I don't know if friendship is a possible option.

I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, took days off work, cancelled meetings, skipped workouts, ignored friends, I just stopped caring about everything. But... as hard as it is, try to keep your composure. Believe me, I know first hand exactly how you feel, and it isn't easy. I've never, ever, fallen for anyone as hard as I did for this girl. So it was like I've gone from the happiest I've ever been in my life, straight down to the shittiest I've ever felt.

As tempting as it is to be self-destructive, don't do it. Just, don't. Other than drinking myself silly the next day and getting back on the cigarettes (I know, I know), I've been channeling my emotions into exercise. Plug in your headphones, turn off your brain, and just run as far as you can, as fast as you can. The more frustrated you get, the harder you run. Turn up the volume and turn off the world. And just breathe.

Another thing is, don't be afraid to talk to one or two close friends. It'll seriously make you feel better, not only to barf out your thoughts, but just to feel that sense of human connection with someone you trust.

"It takes a man to hold it in, but it takes an even bigger man to let it out."

Ultimately, both sides need to want the relationship. If she doesn't feel the same, it doesn't matter how bad you want it. You can't force her into something she doesn't want.

Hang in there, man. You'll be alright.

Shoot me a PM if you want. We'll start a lonely hearts club.

[Chuckz]

damn reading all the comments above reminds me of exactly how im feeling at the moment. i was dump before midterms. you can imagine how hard it was for me to focus. but i still managed to score good grades luckily...what a inconsiderate bitch eh! anyways, time does heal everything.. the no contact rule helped alot too and its funny how the females will try to contact you after a while desperately fishing for a response when its been to long..hang in there bud theres plenty of us feeling the same way!

[Noir]

Been there, done that.

1)
Man up and come to terms that there is no way to get around the pain. It's just like surgery (I fucking hate doctors), even though it sucks so bad, some people just HAVE to go through it. If she really mattered that much to you, then it's supposed to hurt that much; so begin to accept that.

2)
This isn't going to help in the pain dept., but it helps in the personal/emotional strength dept. If number 1 above is true and it hurts only because she truly really matters to you, do this: Focus on her happiness, not yours

- Force yourself to be happy that she will (or eventually will) be with someone else. Preferably someone better than you, someone that can provide her more happiness, someone who should deserve her. Even if you have to fake it in the beginning, or lie to yourself. Do it. Whatever, just force this feeling onto you.

When it happened to me, it was my personal mission to prove to myself that I loved her, not myself. Bringing her back only makes me happy, not her; and that I don't want her back if it means ONLY I will be happy but she is not.


When you've come to terms with that; and that you can't win every battles ahead of you; and know how to handle losses when they come, and handle them graciously, I swear you've just become so fucking boss.








Wanna know a funny (not in a ha-ha way) story although it's not related to you. There's only 1 girl in my life that absolutely wrecked me. (Well 2 but the other one was my first girlfriend but that doesn't count - I was just a young pup)

When that thing ended, I was boozing constantly. One of my distinct memories in that time was I was in a party and everyone was getting sloshed. At the end of the night I asked my best bro to just kick my ass. Really really lay it on me and just beat the shit out of me. I don't know why I asked, but it seemed like a good idea at the moment. He knew I was in pain and he was reluctant. But he was drunk, and was I really egging him on so he complied. I got fucking messed up.

Anyways, it didn't fix any of my problems, nor did it aid in the healing process. But that night I found out I sure as hell could take one hell of a beating.



Don't know why I felt like sharing that to you. Maybe I just don't want you to feel that rock-bottom is a lonely place. Lots of guys have dwelled in it, even guys you never would have thought capable of it happening to. Just do your time and one day, you'll be passing along same message to someone else when it's their turn in the hole.

[BrRsn]

life, from my perspective any ways, is just a bunch of things coming together, only to fall apart later on. It fell apart on January first, great -- it was an eventuality not a possibility

Rule #1:
- Never put the basis for your happiness wholly in someone else.


You live in Vancouver, there are awesome hobbies year round. The only reason your mind goes to her is because your mind is idle -- fill your life with hobbies/self improvement/friends/obligations/etc and you'll quickly see that everyone in your life is only as important as you allow them to be.

2 months is a long time to mope around; you have no idea at just how short or long your life will be. In a year's time you won't regret moving on, but you will regret staying in the same place for as long as you did

[neggo]

[Broken up? No, you’ve dodged a bullet that was going to be painfully lodged into the deepest crevices of your mind. You saved yourself from a terrible fate that most guys willingly accept because they aren’t strong enough to face their fears of loss.

Broken up? No, men are not left “broken” after relationships. Betas are left broken. Men have shit to do, enemies to bury. We don’t have time to be “broken.” Women are only compliments to our lives, they can never… ever… “break” us. After a break up we simply realize how “average” the girl in question was. Her façade is over, the spell is broken. She’s one in a thousand, women are interchangeable.

Broken up? No, there are thousands of women out there that can make us happier than whoever we’ve chosen to be with. Chumps and betas don’t acknowledge this because they KNOW they don’t have enough game to enjoy the pleasures of other women. They cry after “the one” has left them because it’s the only good pussy their dicks will ever squeeze itself into.

Broken up? No, we are now fixed. Being single is a time of celebration. Real men don’t buy into this pop-culture romanticized goat shit about finding your “soul mate.” 90% of guys go from living with their moms to living with their girlfriends, no internalization of discipline or self ever occurs. Betas always jump on the first girl willing to be their girlfriend because they are AFRAID of being single; they think it’s a sign of lower status.]

Broken up? No? | Solve My Girl Problems

It's hard. But it will pass.

[westopher]

Happened to me 5 years ago. Dumped by a girl I was 100% sure I was going to marry. I was devastated, partied hard, spent time with my friends and fucked some girls. Although I kept a balance, still worked hard, kept at the grind. Talked it out when I needed to with my good friends. 5 years later I'm married to a girl that is hotter, nicer, smarter, more compassionate, more successful, younger and 10x more in love with me than that last girl ever even pretended to be.


Life has lots of ups and downs. You are in a down, and you've gotta make the best of it and climb back out. There is always room to get better IF YOU MAKE IT BETTER. If you had no downs all the ups wouldn't even feel good anymore. Its all relative. Good luck, and when you are feeling down, call someone you care about and talk to them. I'm sure they'd be happy to listen.

[underscore]

Originally Posted by Noir

Don't know why I felt like sharing that to you. Maybe I just don't want you to feel that rock-bottom is a lonely place. Lots of guys have dwelled in it, even guys you never would have thought capable of it happening to. Just do your time and one day, you'll be passing along same message to someone else when it's their turn in the hole.

So very true.

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

The following is a post from an anonymous Revscene member

So I got dumped on January 1st from a girl I was supposed to get engaged to of April of this year. We were in a long distance relationship but she was getting everything ready to from from Alberta to BC. Her parents and my parents both agreed to this and were happy we were getting engaged and married. Everything seemed great for a long ass time and there was honestly no red flags. I took her everywhere on road trips and partying and a musical festival down in washington state. We always planned to travel the world together and then she left me out of the blue...

Ever since she dumped me I acted clingy and desperate trying to get her back not thinking of my actions which probably scared her away more. So did no contact for about a month and wished her a happy birthday couple of days ago. The day after I broke apart again and tried to guilt trip her and convince her of all the good things I did for her which I did many and we both influenced each others lives and I got her into some hobbies and she got me interested in a lot of things as well. We both had so many common things. After guilt tripping her she got mad again and I shouldn't have done that. Should have just left it at happy birthday.

She sits at home now on her computer or on her phone talking to people she doesn't know online because she doesn't have any friends irl and I never told her not to make any I always used to tell her to make some more friends in class and to get to know people and she did sometimes. But they were mainly friends in class not outside of school. All I know she goes to school and comes back home right away after it's done. She isn't allowed much freedom to leave her house because her parents are strict about that and she was with me because she fought about it and told them she cried to her parents and told them she loved me which they eventually excepted and let us go on trips together and be with each other even though we come from different religious backgrounds. Our parents accepted our relationship.

Ever since she left me I've been feeling like absolute shit. My health, my body, and mental state have all gone to crap. I have lost 20-25 lbs since this happened, and my body is deteriorating and frankly I stopped caring. At times I just feel like disappearing and getting rid of myself from this world. I just don't know what to do anymore and I've honestly come to the point of not caring whether I die. I don't know what to do anymore I've lost all hope in life. I was about to open a business with a friend and family member and I was also setting up my career...her leaving me hit me and derailed me off my path and honestly I don't want to do anything anymore and just want to waste away into nothingness...I give up.

Sounds more like a rant/vent/get it out of your system then asking for help. You didn't state the reason she dumped you and it sounds like you are stalking her since you seem to know what her day schedule is (now). Maybe she found someone else, maybe she's not ready to settle down, who knows.

Get over it. If she dumped you and you acted like an idiot (guilt trip, clingy, desperate), and she still didn't consider, it's over.

[El Bastardo]

Originally Posted by mr_chin

Sounds more like a rant/vent/get it out of your system then asking for help. You didn't state the reason she dumped you and it sounds like you are stalking her since you seem to know what her day schedule is (now). Maybe she found someone else, maybe she's not ready to settle down, who knows.

Get over it. If she dumped you and you acted like an idiot (guilt trip, clingy, desperate), and she still didn't consider, it's over.

The following is a reply from the anonymous Revscene member

Only reason I know what she is up to is because our parents are friends with each other and continue to talk. They tell us how each person is doing I'm sure her parents tell her about me as they tell my parents about her to my parents and then to me. The reason she dumped me I don't really know but all it can be explained by is having cold feet.

As for everyone else thanks for your comments. It's extremely hard to get through this stage as I've loved her for 3 years and have never gave up on her. It has happened before for a few months and if I have to ride it out and wait like I did last time...so be it.

[NKC ONE]

First off, sorry that you're going through this. It sucks and we all know it because most of us have been through that. That's life, just full of curve balls.

I'm also sorry to say that the relationship is over my friend. As happy as she may have seem, she's probably been thinking about it for a long long time whether you're the right person for her. The one that will spend the REST OF HER LIFE WITH. Let that set in for a while, THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. For whatever reasons, it doesn't really matter because ultimately its her set of criteria and not what you did wrong or didn't do for her.

From the looks of things, you are still young. Experiences like this will change a person and hopefully for the better. You will come out of this stronger, smarter, less vulnerable, and eventually be the right guy for the right girl.

And again, yes it sucks...RIGHT NOW. Let a couple months pass, meet new people and eventually you'll look back at this and say WOW, I'm glad this happened to me. One day at a time bro.

As a lot of guys here have mentioned, find a god bro to talk to. Tell him straight up how you feel, even about leaving this world. Talk to your parents, they love you the most and have a life time of experiences to share with you, only if you're willing to listen. Its time you surround yourself with people who love you and who you love seeing/being with.

This is not the end of the world. I'm also sad to say that shittier things will happen to you in the future, again that's just life. You mentioned starting a business with a friend and a family member. I would also recommend you not go into business with people you are close to. Just another life lesson.

It's usually not wise to ask advice like this on a forum but I've been really impressed with the group of supporting people we have in RS. Find a bro, have couple drinks, smoke some weed and just chat. Just think of all the people who would cry/hurt if you decide to leave this world. Don't waste your life for something like this. Its not worth it.

[ZN6]

Do your own thing, get your life and health together and just have fun. Personally, I found myself a hobby (cycling) that I am completely focused on, got fit and enjoy the group of people I hang out with and ride with. If cycling is not your thing, just immerse yourself in an activity you enjoy that gets you moving. It will help you forget for as long as you do that activity (as long as it's not drugs or doing yourself bodily harm). Once I got my shit together, I felt awesome, not just for being able to live independently again but just being happier.

Then an ex from 3-years back texts me telling me how sorry she was for treating me like shit after I help her with all her shit and how she grew up over the time we were apart and she appreciates and see what I did for her and she'll always be there for me and she'll always love me. Why? Because she saw a picture from a mutual friend on FB having a good time(I actually deactivated my FB and did not know my friend even posted a pic).

What a shit load of fuck, sorry, too little, too late, already with someone else doing other things we both enjoy.

No joke. The moment you become clingy and the more you have to convince her, the more she will hate you. The more you do for someone (gender neutral) the more they take you for granted and treat you like shit. The more detached you get to someone, the more they want your attention. Give her space and find yourself another person and just focus on you and your happiness.

Here's my rule of thumb for those you want to be with: The Heart grows fonder with distance.

[underscore]

So I got dumped on January 1st from a girl I was supposed to get engaged to of April of this year. We were in a long distance relationship but she was getting everything ready to from from Alberta to BC. Her parents and my parents both agreed to this and were happy we were getting engaged and married.

<snip>

She isn't allowed much freedom to leave her house because her parents are strict about that and she was with me because she fought about it and told them she cried to her parents and told them she loved me which they eventually excepted and let us go on trips together and be with each other even though we come from different religious backgrounds. Our parents accepted our relationship.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you must be young if you need permission from your parents to go on trips and be together. Have either of you ever lived on your own?

Originally Posted by NKC ONE

find a god bro to talk to.

What's a god bro? Is that like a god father, or more of an inner god/religious thing?

[ZN6]

Originally Posted by underscore

What's a god bro? Is that like a god father, or more of an inner god/religious thing?

A bro that's so brotastic that he becomes a godly bro; the so called God Bro. See Morgan Freeman.

[underscore]

Finding one is about as hard as finding the broly grail though, isn't it?

[NKC ONE]

Originally Posted by underscore

I'm not sure how old you are, but you must be young if you need permission from your parents to go on trips and be together. Have either of you ever lived on your own?



What's a god bro? Is that like a god father, or more of an inner god/religious thing?

lol at all the god bro comments. Sorry typo my bad.

[ZN6]

Originally Posted by underscore

Finding one is about as hard as finding the broly grail though, isn't it?

Bordering on impossibro I'd say but there's always a chance. You might find one over the rainbro or pick one up like a four leaf brover

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

when you're ready to find a girl again, remember, you'll usually get the same results if you do the same things. you'll see the same type of people, if you look in the same places.

it's only that hard to find someone compatible if you don't look outside your bubble. whether it be a type of sub culture, a part of town, or a city.

there's a whole earth out there. there are plenty of compatible people.


as for when you contact her... don't try to "control" her. aka acting authority/advice giver. don't try to tell her what to do, or remind her of all those good times. or whatever. you've already lost that power. the more you try to persuade her, the more of a grave you're digging yourself (an example is very easily seen on RS. When someone gets butthurt, even if an OP is right, the people will hate on him. no matter how right or how good his persuasion is. their perception of him has changed so much that nothing they say can help). you're that OP right now. and she knows your game, and she's not on your side any more. everything you say is wrong.

the only thing you can do is accept what has happened. and contact her once in a while and keep the conversation short and sweet, like when you first met her.
you have to start from square 1 again.

and don't expect anything soon. and by soon i mean months, if not year or years.

patience, and time are the only things on your side now. everything else will fuck you over. don't try.

not only does time have to wear you to the point where you're not a pussified beta. but you also have to wait till time has worn her to normality again too.
that will take... time.
probably a lot more than you like.

but that's the way it is. accept it, or accept that you're gonna get too eager and bury yourself.
those are the only two options you have.

Btw, i know you don't feel like it now. but you will eventually... it isn't hard to be chatting to like 3-7 chicks everyday consistently. you can put your eggs in more than one basket. you can date many girls at once. while still messaging her once in a while. if you don't "want" to do that cuz it doesn't align with your values. then you are limiting yourself. that would be your own problem.

[shenmecar]

I just think that you giving up on yourself because someone else gave up on you is just plain silly. No one should give up on themselves. There are so many things to do in life. A break up is just one of them. Check that off and continue with the bucket list. While you're at it, check off "self-deprecation" too so you won't have to do it again.

[murd0c]

Things like this are hard but everyone goes through it in life. What you have to do it force yourself out and do things with friends and by the time you know it you will be having fun and it will be easier to deal with what you are currently going through.

You sound young and the saying is true there are lots of fish in the sea, the good thing is you have a better idea of what you are looking for in a women then you did before meeting her so use this as a learning experience and you will be even happier the next time you have the same kind of connections with a women.