[Confidential] Please give me your thoughts and advice

[El Bastardo]

The following is a submission from an anonymous Revscene member who requested a confidential post some time ago. Sorry to the OP. I've been busy striking oil, ranching cattle, and shooting pistols wildly into the air as we Texans do

I'm currently in my mid 20's. Just started a new career and getting my shit together as a person. I think I'm going in the right direction but currently don't amount for much (financial wise/assets) Due to the change in my career choice. I don't expect to make much for the next few years. Luckily for me, I currently live at home and have zero debt.

My girlfriend is her early 30's. She has made a career change in the past 1-2years but only really starting to establish herself now. Finance wise, she's made a few poor choices earlier in life and due to circumstance. She has quite a bit of debt and a family mortg (single daughter supporting her mom/dad)

Recently, I've been thinking about how we will be able to start a life together. Moving out, living together, kids, parents, money, and life style.

Moving out does not seem to be an option at this point. My currently income is no way close to being able to support a mortg. She currently is paying her own and chipping at her loans. This puts quite a bit of stress on myself because I've always had the thought in mind of moving out with my SO.

Kids. I am dead set on having kids. She seems indifferent but when we talk about it. She does mention shes getting older and it is harder on her body. Talks about the different risks. (Seems to hint at if I want them. You better knock me up soon)
Realistically. That won't be happening for at least another 3-4 years. Its just with timing of my age and career. I cant afford/nor really want kids at this point of life.

Both of us want our parents living with us. This is not going to fly with my parents. Nor do I agree with this. I need my space and don't want to live in a crowded house.
That being said. Her parents are getting fairly old (late baby). Due to her family circumstances. Their finances aren't the greatest either. I don't know at this point how things will work out here. It is quite complicated.

Life style. I hate to say it but I know if I decide to continue this relationship. There will be quite a financial burden put on me. There will have to be some sacrifice and my currently life style will probably be affected.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've brought this up earlier in the relationship and asked opinions of friends. At the time it seemed to be best to try things out and think about it later. In hind sight, I thought that was kinda stupid but went with it. Coming now. Its all just coming back in full force kicking me in the face. Making things worse because we've both developed even more feelings for each other. She doesn't seem to interested or wanting to bring up the topics but its something I need to get sorted personally.

In my point of view. If I stall this for any longer and for say we do break up. I cant help but feel like i've wasted a good amount of her "youth". I know times ticking for her. I don't want to end up changing my mind and putting her in a position. Which shes single and already past her prime. (sounds kinda bad but I'm just being brutally honest)

Honestly speaking. If she was a few years younger. I feel like none of this would be a problem but because of her age. I feel quite pressured to having a time limit on everything. (ex. ideally shes would want to be married 2-3years, live together for 1-2years, have kids, move back in with parents) This time line is a compress/shortest time span I can possible see these things happening. That to me would be considered rushing things.. Ideally for me I would like to spread it out a little more.

Those are the main concerns I have. Didn't bother including smaller details like if we were to get married. Where would we even get the money?

Maybe I'm thinking to far ahead? To me everything seems like something I should have a answer to. Its killing me inside not knowing. I don't want to just wait and see..

I'm planning to bring these topics back up after the new years. At this point I honestly don't know myself how things might go. It would be nice to hear a outsiders opinion on my situation.

[underscore]

One thing I know is that if you want to wait until you feel "ready" for everything, nothing will even happen. Is she living on her own or at her parents home as well? As a side note have you considered adopting kids later on?

[JKam]

If you don't see it working out, the amount of her time you "wasted" shouldn't matter because you'll just be wasting more time thinking about what you should do. If it doesn't work then it doesn't work.

People can be in love but love doesn't conquer all unless you're willing to constantly work at things with the person you love.

And above all, do what's best for YOU.

[Exc3L]

Love on it's own doesn't necessarily solve all problems. So you really should think about what you want for your future and talk it through with her.

Because not knowing what the plan is for the future, and not having a common goal to work towards will end up in failure.

Some people I know just take things as they come, and just end up settling once they accidentally get stuck with a kid or something.

[BoostedBB6]

Age gap, financial uncertainty, unable/unwilling to fulfil expectations and conflicting family matters.
IMO I would not have stayed BUT all of those things can be worked on if both parties are wanting to. Seeing as you said she is not wanting to discuss any of these issues that would indicate shes not willing to work on them either.
That being said, don't waste any more time (for both of you) and cut ties.

[Tapioca]

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Based on what you've written, the communication between you two isn't strong. Address the communication issues first and see where you two stand.

[J89]

Originally Posted by Exc3L

Love on it's own doesn't necessarily solve all problems.

Originally Posted by Tapioca

Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Based on what you've written, the communication between you two isn't strong. Address the communication issues first and see where you two stand.

I don't know why this hits home so hard, I feel like if I understood these 2 things in the past, my life would be different today.

Not necessarily good or bad just different.

/thefeels.

[tiger_handheld]

have you thought of:

Sell the gf's parents home, combine your income, parents income, gf's income and qualify for a mortgage so you can get a detached home with a basement suite or two.

Let the gf's parents move into the basement while you and her ocupy the upstairs.

The financial burden will be split in 3.

There are plenty of people having babies around 34-35. Find out what the potential issues can be, if her parents had her late and she turned out to be ok, you might be ok too.

The grand parents can help with baby sitting while you and gf work to pay bills.

The only caveat to all this is you and the gf need to go to city hall and get married on paper - forget the fancy wedding for now. Get it in writing so both of you will be committed to carrying out the plan. There is no greater motivation than not having a divorce title over your head. If you remain bf/gf none of this will work and might as well break up on the weekend.

Commitment and Communication leads to long lasting marriages, not #YOLO.

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Recently, I've been thinking about how we will be able to start a life together. Moving out, living together, kids, parents, money, and life style.

Moving out does not seem to be an option at this point. My currently income is no way close to being able to support a mortg. She currently is paying her own and chipping at her loans. This puts quite a bit of stress on myself because I've always had the thought in mind of moving out with my SO.

You haven't even gotten your career or a stable income, and you're thinking about this stuff? You need to chill and take it slow, especially in your mid 20's, you need to think about what's happening now. Don't do anything you can't afford.

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Kids. I am dead set on having kids. She seems indifferent but when we talk about it. She does mention shes getting older and it is harder on her body. Talks about the different risks. (Seems to hint at if I want them. You better knock me up soon)
Realistically. That won't be happening for at least another 3-4 years. Its just with timing of my age and career. I cant afford/nor really want kids at this point of life.

Sounds like you want to commit to a relationship but not a child yet. The bold line is half true, you're dead set, but not right now. So basically, you're not dead set. In 3-4 years, you'll be, but not now. You should tell her that, to be honest and hopefully that will put the pressure off of you and she'll make her own decision.

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Both of us want our parents living with us. This is not going to fly with my parents. Nor do I agree with this. I need my space and don't want to live in a crowded house.
That being said. Her parents are getting fairly old (late baby). Due to her family circumstances. Their finances aren't the greatest either. I don't know at this point how things will work out here. It is quite complicated.

Wait, what? Both of you want your parents living together... then you say you don't agree with it and want space. Stop worrying about the elders for now, and focus on your career and finance.

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Life style. I hate to say it but I know if I decide to continue this relationship. There will be quite a financial burden put on me. There will have to be some sacrifice and my currently life style will probably be affected.

Unless she holds a knife to your throat, I don't see what sort of obligation you need to make that will affect your lifestyle or your financial circumstances. Unless you're one of those whipped ass bitches that listens to the woman about everything in your life.

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've brought this up earlier in the relationship and asked opinions of friends. At the time it seemed to be best to try things out and think about it later. In hind sight, I thought that was kinda stupid but went with it. Coming now. Its all just coming back in full force kicking me in the face. Making things worse because we've both developed even more feelings for each other. She doesn't seem to interested or wanting to bring up the topics but its something I need to get sorted personally.

In my point of view. If I stall this for any longer and for say we do break up. I cant help but feel like i've wasted a good amount of her "youth". I know times ticking for her. I don't want to end up changing my mind and putting her in a position. Which shes single and already past her prime. (sounds kinda bad but I'm just being brutally honest)

Sounds to me you want to break up, because she can be a burden to you in the future seeing how you think she'll be a financial burden and will affect your lifestyle.

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Honestly speaking. If she was a few years younger. I feel like none of this would be a problem but because of her age. I feel quite pressured to having a time limit on everything. (ex. ideally shes would want to be married 2-3years, live together for 1-2years, have kids, move back in with parents) This time line is a compress/shortest time span I can possible see these things happening. That to me would be considered rushing things.. Ideally for me I would like to spread it out a little more.

Those are the main concerns I have. Didn't bother including smaller details like if we were to get married. Where would we even get the money?

Maybe I'm thinking to far ahead? To me everything seems like something I should have a answer to. Its killing me inside not knowing. I don't want to just wait and see..

I'm planning to bring these topics back up after the new years. At this point I honestly don't know myself how things might go. It would be nice to hear a outsiders opinion on my situation.

If you're seriously honest, why don't you go ask her what she wants. You're completely assuming everything, her wanting to get married, live together a bit, then have kids. Maybe she doesn't even care about all of this and you're just scaring yourself. Finding out what she wants, you can then set your goals, or if it doesn't suit your time frame, age, etc. just tell her that she's better off finding someone else now rather than later.

Sounds to me like you're putting the pressure on yourself and you have this idea that two people being together should have a grand wedding, children at late 20's, a home of your own when you can't even afford it, etc. If you two truly love each other, none of this would get in the way, instead it should all just happen naturally. One side pressuring the other won't help in the long run.

[Tone Loc]

Unfortunately it is not a Hollywood movie. The age gap you two have is quite large, it's almost a difference in life stage. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you two are just too different to make a healthy, happy home. The fact that you're even considering the time spent on your relationship as being "wasted" tells me everything about your situation.

Ejecto seato, cuzzz

[melloman]

^^ Concur.

And to be honest, even though you love her.. do you really want to struggle through life, have fights, and shit just because you stayed with her out of PITY?

That'd be a shitty life man.

[Mr.HappySilp]

Never ever EVER LIVE with her/your parents! That's just asking for trouble. Say you two live with her parents and they see you two auguring, they will be on their daughter's side no matter who is right. Same with your parents. Overtime this will cause major issue and put a lot of pressure on your relationship with your gf. Beside do you really want parents seeing you around the house naked or having sex in the kitchen? You can't even have your own private time with your gf.

People are having kids at a later age or just not having kids at all. Is harsh but that's the reality. My sister is 30lish and just got marry. I think both my sister and her husband wants kids but reality is that it might be a hard. Having kids is not just pooing them out. You have take care of them, clothing, education, take time off work etc etc... that can really put a dent in your financial suitations since both of you isn't ready yet. I hate to say it but finances plays an important part if having kids or not.

Lastly if she keeps helping her parents financally then what will happen to you two future? I am not saying don't take care of them but maybe work out a number and have a chat with them about you guys suitation and how much you really can afford to give to them (I pretty much work that out with my parents and my gf). It might hurt them to or the talk might be awkward but this needs to be done if you want out of debt.

[Tone Loc]

Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp

Never ever EVER LIVE with her/your parents! That's just asking for trouble. Say you two live with her parents and they see you two auguring, they will be on their daughter's side no matter who is right. Same with your parents. Overtime this will cause major issue and put a lot of pressure on your relationship with your gf. Beside do you really want parents seeing you around the house naked or having sex in the kitchen? You can't even have your own private time with your gf.

Also this, personally I would never want to live with my/GF's parents until well after we had kids, then we'd get free childcare and because of kids we'd never have "privacy" anyway. And even then only in a big house with a basement for said parents and a locking door, lol.

[PJ]

Originally Posted by El Bastardo

Life style. I hate to say it but I know if I decide to continue this relationship. There will be quite a financial burden put on me. There will have to be some sacrifice and my currently life style will probably be affected.

What is your "lifestyle"? If you prioritize things, given your situation, is there anything you can easily give up? (eg. eating out all the time, driving a fancy car, other toys, etc.)

In my point of view. If I stall this for any longer and for say we do break up. I cant help but feel like i've wasted a good amount of her "youth". I know times ticking for her. I don't want to end up changing my mind and putting her in a position. Which shes single and already past her prime. (sounds kinda bad but I'm just being brutally honest)

Don't continue to be in a relationship predominantly out of pity.

Those are the main concerns I have. Didn't bother including smaller details like if we were to get married. Where would we even get the money?

It would be nice to hear a outsiders opinion on my situation.

From the sounds of things, and excuse me if I'm being presumptuous and completely wrong, that you two are chasing a life that revolves around money. Which, there's nothing wrong with, but keep in mind all the initial stresses that come along with it.

Food for thought.. My closest friend and his wife are probably the happiest couple I've ever seen in my life. Late 20's, combined income of around $70k (which if you divide evenly, puts them each at only around $17/hour), no car, renting a 1br apartment, and they're even playing with the idea of having a kid in the next few years. Their wedding was very low-key, but still honest, down-to-earth, and fit them perfectly. They don't have much, but they're not stressed, not starving, they still have time/money for hobbies, but most importantly, they're happy. I'd be damn lucky if I'm ever half as happy as these two.

This isn't to say that they'll be at this financial point forever, but if you think about it, they can get raises/promotions at work, land a new job, etc. So in their current state, things can only get better.

At this point, does your desire for having kids/owning your own home/sticking to your current lifestyle outweigh your desire to be with her? No wrong answer here, you just have to be honest with yourself in what you want in life. If your long-term goals are completely different from hers, it may be time to part ways.

[Gumby]

Originally Posted by Mr.HappySilp

People are having kids at a later age or just not having kids at all. Is harsh but that's the reality. My sister is 30lish and just got marry. I think both my sister and her husband wants kids but reality is that it might be a hard. Having kids is not just pooing them out. You have take care of them, clothing, education, take time off work etc etc... that can really put a dent in your financial suitations since both of you isn't ready yet. I hate to say it but finances plays an important part if having kids or not.

LOL at the bolded part.

But yeah, kids are a huge dent to finances. I speak from experience!

Edit: I have a 6 yr old, and a 8.5 month old. We are at the point where we are seriously asking ourselves - when she goes back to work in a few months, what will her work schedule be like (i.e. part time, like 3 days a week?) And fortunately, the grandparents are around to help with child care!

[Mr.HappySilp]

^^ thanks!
Is true though. Too many times I see friends having kids but doesn't have the finance support at all. I am still not sure how if I want kids or not at this point.....

[ZN6]

1) Op has no assets or means to support a mortgage (would the bank approve of a mortgage at your current stage? Most likely not.)
2) Girlfriend has a child already supporting a mortgage and parents
3) Having parents live with you is never a good thing. If you and your partner cannot support a stand-alone family unit, you are no longer in control to any degree which leads to drama which also means that unhappiness will follow for all parties. Is this good? Well, if you are a masochist who loves pain all the time, by all means go for it.

OP, you are in your mid-twenties and debtless. Once you start a family, her debt along with new debts you will most likely inherit. I doubt she has the means to help you with your mortgage on top of hers and her running debt which seem like it will be there for a long time as well as a kid to take up her time.

Think this through before dragging it out the long run. I've gone through a relationship where the other party was swimming in debt (2 mortgages and her mom's constant need to spend the money on gambling) and even without a kid, it was a miserable relationship having to take care of their shit that I had nothing to do with since the beginning.

[mr_chin]

Originally Posted by ZN6

1) Op has no assets or means to support a mortgage (would the bank approve of a mortgage at your current stage? Most likely not.)
2) Girlfriend has a child already supporting a mortgage and parents
3) Having parents live with you is never a good thing. If you and your partner cannot support a stand-alone family unit, you are no longer in control to any degree which leads to drama which also means that unhappiness will follow for all parties. Is this good? Well, if you are a masochist who loves pain all the time, by all means go for it.

OP, you are in your mid-twenties and debtless. Once you start a family, her debt along with new debts you will most likely inherit. I doubt she has the means to help you with your mortgage on top of hers and her running debt which seem like it will be there for a long time as well as a kid to take up her time.

Think this through before dragging it out the long run. I've gone through a relationship where the other party was swimming in debt (2 mortgages and her mom's constant need to spend the money on gambling) and even without a kid, it was a miserable relationship having to take care of their shit that I had nothing to do with since the beginning.

I don't think OP's GF has a kid.

[ZN6]

Originally Posted by mr_chin

I don't think OP's GF has a kid.

Oh you're right, I completely read Single Mother instead of Single Daughter. lol.

Well, that changes a lot of what I said, but still it's going to be tough.

[freakshow]

Maybe your post came off wrong as this seems to all be hitting you now.. but from your post, it doesn't *seem* like you really love this girl. I'm not saying love conquers all, but if you cared about her enough, lifestyle wouldn't be as big of an issue.

I'm not saying it will be easy, but as mentioned above, how much you have, definitely does not correlate to how happy you are. I know couples with little that are super happy and fun to be around, and couples that are high earning DINKS, and you couldn't pay me to hang out with them.

tl;dr
Are you going to make your lifestyle work based on your girl? or are you going to find a girl that fits the lifestyle you want?

[6793026]

sorry, there are a few things that are wrong
1) you can't always plan to have kids. It's not 100% guaranteed. Gotta work that shit out. You are dead on having kids, she better be on the mofo page. Don't give me the BS old age card shit. Try as hard as you can for few years before you run that shit out.
2) housing + living with family. that shit you gotta figure out. If she gets old and her parents really needs taking care of, you NEED to figure that stuff out before you get married.

talk about these two first, if it gets resolved, then you have a clear path ahead.

[SoNaRWaVe]

its not that hard. have the talk. don't let the problem manifest itself. if you are already holding back, its just going to be much worse later on in life with her.

if you can't be honest with each other, then whats the point in being together?

[Mr.HappySilp]

Originally Posted by 6793026

sorry, there are a few things that are wrong
1) you can't always plan to have kids. It's not 100% guaranteed. Gotta work that shit out. You are dead on having kids, she better be on the mofo page. Don't give me the BS old age card shit. Try as hard as you can for few years before you run that shit out.
2) housing + living with family. that shit you gotta figure out. If she gets old and her parents really needs taking care of, you NEED to figure that stuff out before you get married.

talk about these two first, if it gets resolved, then you have a clear path ahead.

Agree. Can't really plan to have kids. Some ppl keep trying but no luck while others don't want kids got unlucky and have several lol.

Even though I am Chinese I don't really like the fact that when your parents think you will take care of them when they are old (aka living you or expecting you to take care of them weather is to take them to hospital, give them money, hire a nurse tec etc....). Sure is great if your kids take care of you when you are old but don't expect it. My parents never expected us to live with them once we start our family in fact they want us out lol. I also hate the fact that her parents didn't plan anything when they retire. I mean what happen to putting money aside on your RRSP? What happen to save up when you are young so when you retire you have money to spend? Didn't her parents though about that?

[El Bastardo]

The following is a reply from the anonymous original poster

- She is currently living with her parents
- I'm not looking to adopt. Maybe i'm old fashion but I want my own flesh and blood
-My current lifestyle is comfortable but by no means extravagant (I eat out from time to time and I drive a honda)
- Do I love this girl? I think about her daily, have concerns of her well being, and genuinely like being around her. I think I love her but question it myself because people keep saying if you love her it shouldn't matter..
- Her father has a gambling problem, which put her family into debt. Essentially, shes taken the burden of the debt and taken full ownership of the family mortg (techically hers now). As of now. From my knowledge the father isn't incurring anymore debt but is spending all his work/pension money on himself and gambling. Apparently, its not as bad but he still has a gambling problem. (This really boils my blood)



Recently had the talk with her regarding this whole thing. It took a bit of time explaining to her my concerns but I think I've gotten her to think about it from my stand point. She doesn't necessarily agree on the things I said. I tried to explain to her I needed to set some goals and plans for all this to work. I'm not entirely sure what her thoughts are about this. We strayed off topic a bit.

Overall I brought out what was concerning me about our relationship. I feel like shes was able to grasp the majority of it. We still haven't made any plan or real solutions to any of the problems. I plan to bring it up again the next time I see her but in the mean time. I've told her to think about what I said.

[The_AK]

sounds like a lot of unnecessary trouble to me



In my opinion you need to take care of yourself before you can start to carry someone else's baggage. With my most recent ex as much as I care about her and she cared about me I needed to get my shit together and establish myself. Its difficult wanting this and that for the both of you but neither will come with simply WANTING. Its easy right now since you're comfortable with this person but along the way you will find yourself miserable.