lol good thread. kills a lot of time reading all the jokes

:lol

great thread :D

Q: What's the hardest thing about throwing a baby down a flight of stairs?

A: My dick.

this is a bit gross but eh it's fc

Q: How do you get a fag to fuck a girl?







A: Put poo in her vagina.

A bunch of college students studying music go to Germany to visit the birthplace of the great master, Beethoven. They visit his town, school, place where he wrote the fantastic music, etc. Last on their list before heading home was his tomb in Vienna. When they arrive, they hear strange music. It's coming from within the tomb. Freaking out, they start to run. A few of them are so captivated by the strange sound that they stay. One of the brave students, a geek with thick glasses, says he recognizes the sound. He pulls some music from his backpack and nods his head. Yup, it's the ninth symphony played backwards. Sure enough, that's what it was. They go home puzzled at what had happened.

They come back the next day. They hear strange sounds agin. This time a little different. The geek says, Aha! This is the 8th symphony played backwards. Canceling their flight back home, they decide to come back yet another day. This time it's the 7th, the 6th......... by this time they are freaking out. They tell the authorities and it becomes big news. The authorities decide to dig up Beethoven's final resting place. They couldn't believe what they saw.





Beethoven decomposing................. da dum chi <<corny joke drum thing>>

More corny music jokes.

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?



A. A flat miner.



Q. What do you get when you bomb an army base with pianos?


A. A flat major.

good read.
=D

LOL !! ha ha ha ha that's a good one =]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

Wow....... that's hilarious.

A German Shepherd and a Rottweiler are sitting in neighbouring cages at the vets. The Shepherd looks over to the Rotty and says "So what are you in for?". The Rotty says "My master left me in the house all day alone and I got a bit bored, so I chewed up all the furniture. Come that evening the kids got home from school, and, me being a Rottweiler, I ate them... so I'm in to get put down. What about you?"

The Shepherd says "Well sort of a similar thing happened to me really. I was also left by my master all day. My mistress came home from her aerobics class in the afternoon and jumped straight into the shower. When she came out she dropped her towel and bent over to pick it up, me being a German Shepherd and hung like a horse I mounted her and got stuck in."

The Rottweiler says "So you're in here to be put down too huh?" The Shepherd replies "No, I'm in here to get my nails clipped..."
----------------


A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

a good woman does 70 chores




cook and 69

what's do you call a gay dinosaur??




mega-sore-ass

So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says…
Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

HAHAHHAAHHA!!!!!

Why don't you buy a woman a watch?
- there's one on the stove

What do you call a woman 1foot from the kitchen?
- confused

What do you call a woman 2 feet from the kitchen?
- lost

What do you do when the stove is broken?
- smack the bitch.

A recent survey shows that 20% of woman have admitted to being the victim of domestic abuse.
The other 80% of woman wouldn't dare open their mouths.

11/12 people enjoy gang rape :D

....:gtfo:

old one:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

the bear says to the rabbit "Excuse me, Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

the rabbit says "No"

so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.





http://www.twistedproduction.com/images/lifesavers.jpg







The children began to identify the flavors by their color:






Red......................Cherry




Yellow.................Lemon




Green..................Lime




Orange...............Orange









Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.







'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'








One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he
saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad
ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced
me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat
just like me hat and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I
also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.
What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in hell, right?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

One day a school boy was showing off his new watch at school.
One of his mates asks how he got it. He said "Well the other night i walked in on my mum and dad having sex, my dad got mad and said if i got out of his bedroom and left them alone he would buy me a new watch". His mate was amazed and said "Wow! I’ll try that tonight". Later on that night he walked into his parents room. "What you doin son?" His dad asks. His son smiled and said, "Can i have a watch dad?". His dad nodded and said " Course you can son..pull up a chair".