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- - Joke Thread (https://www.revscene.net/forums/565148-joke-thread.html)

Here's one I heard a long time ago....

Mary was dating her boyfriend for 5 years when he suddenly left her. She was feeling heartbroken and depressed, but was determined to move on with her life.

She decided to be wild and adventurous and decides to go out and have some fun. She finds herself a nice bar downtown and takes a seat. After ordering herself a drink, she scopes out the bar, searching for hottie to take home.

She then spotted a large black fellow who see her looking his way and smiles. Mary thought to herself... "I've never had a black lover before. I hear they can fuck all nite!!" She smiles back and motions for him to join her. As they sit together she feels the chemistry building between them. The sexual tension keeps building and building until Mary invites her new friend back to her place. He agrees and they quickly make their way there.

They head straight into the bedroom where they continue to passionately kiss and Mary rips her clothes off in anticipation. As she's lying there naked, she says to new friend, " Come here you big black stud!!! Do to me what you do best!!!"

He replies "ok"............

so he punches her in the face and steals her tv.

Old, but still funny..............

http://i204.photobucket.com/albums/b...ivic/ATT11.jpg

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blond was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least eight characters long.

(P. S. If you're blond and don't get it, just move on and don't give it another thought.)

*** RACIST JOKE ***

What's the difference between a black man and a bench?

A bench can support a family.

What's the difference between Batman and a black man?

Batman can go to the grocery store without Robin'

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Not really a great joke, but I did not want to start a new thread just to show you my next purchase after I retire in 4 years time.

Why live in a house when.....

I want to be trailer trash. They did not cause any of the problems that our country faces today. They did not get mortgages they couldn't afford. They did not run banks to the ground with greed. They did not use investors for their personal benefit. They don't even belong to the unions that ask too much of their companies.

I'm tired of paying mortgage bills, utility bills, property taxes. I want to live more simply, pack up the dog and move into a travel-trailer.

I don't mind being called 'trailer trash', but I want to get your opinion.

Scroll below...

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What do you think about my decision?

Ya, I thought so...................

a woman speeding down the road is pulled over by a lady officer. The officer ask for the woman's driver license. After watching her fumble around her purse for a few minutes, the officer says "look, its square and has your picture on it." "oh" says the woman "here you go" and hands the officer her pocket mirror. The officer looks and the mirror and quickly hands it back, saying "I'm sorry i didnt realize you were a police officer!"

^
:haha::haha::haha:

Quote:

Originally Posted by spades (Post 6779479)

lol

lol buddy told me another speeding one a couple days ago, pretty good so enjoy...

Late night an officer pulls over a guy for speeding,

The officer says, "Listen guy... its the end of my night... Im sure you dont want a speeding ticket, im willing to let you off with a warning... If you tell me an excuse that I never herd of before."

Guy says: "Well I was driving around frustrated because my wife just left me for a cop."

Officer: "So how is that an excuse for you speeding?"

The guy: "I thought I saw another person in your car, I sped away because I thought you might be bringing her back!"

What do you do when you see a pedobear coming at you?

nothing, too old.

so a baby seal walks into a club

So if the white people and the niggas had a war, what would it be called?

Spoiler!

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.."
The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

A Georgia Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane leaving from Atlanta when he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the southern congressman. 'How about global warming or universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be interesting topics. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The southern legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know shit?

--

Tiger Woods Holiday

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year!

http://wallstreetjackass.typepad.com...8bbf970c-800wi

:lol good read at this time

Q:what's the difference with PMS and a terrorist?

A: you can negotiate with a terrorist

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked..

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Spoiler!

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Quote:

Originally Posted by jinx_fx (Post 6292232)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

:D

There's a version of this that's a TV commercial.

http://www.clipjunkie.com/I-Think-Yo...s-vid5281.html

:D

Why do black people hate going to a square dance?

Because every time they scream "Hoedown", they think their sister got shot

Quote:

Originally Posted by SMDBICH (Post 6815960)

Why do black people hate going to a square dance?

Because every time they scream "Hoedown", they think their sister got shot

Puts a whole new meaning to "Black humour".

A kindergarten teacher decides to hold an experiment with her students to see if they can recognize different flavours attached to colours by giving them different coloured candy.

She gives the students the red one, and they easily recognize it as cherry.

She gives the students the orange one, and they recognize it as orange.

But when she gives them a lightly coloured one, the kids don't know that the candy is honey-flavoured.

"I'll give you all a clue," the teacher said, "it's what your mommy calls your daddy."

Suddenly one girls eyes open wide and she spits out the candy. "Everybody, spit out the candy!" she says. "They're assholes!"

What do you call a black guy that graduated from med school?

Spoiler!

How do you know a girl is too young for you?

Spoiler!