Falling for my best friend.

[DeadMeat]

Here's the deal. I've known this girl for a long time now. Since I was 13 years old. I'm 19 now. We've been friends for the longest time but up until 2-3 years ago we've gotten really close. So close in fact that we became best friends.

Up until recently, I never really thought much of her anymore than friends. The thought of dating her came into my mind, no doubt, but I never really pursued it mainly because of the fact that our friendship was just TOO good to waste and also I never really saw her that way.

About a year ago, she got herself a boyfriend and I was happy for her. I never really thought much of him because he never really did anything but she was happy being with him so I was happy for her. Up to this day, they are still happy with each other.

However, a couple of months ago, we've started to get a lot closer (as friends). We talk A LOT more on the phone with each other and we spend a lot of time together. During this time, I started to realize that I like her more than friends... and this is where my dilemma is.

I'm madly in love with her and it's starting to take a toll in my life. Everything in my life (school, work, etc.) is affected by it. I want to tell her so much that I love her but as far as I know... she only sees me as a friend.

I realize that I have to let her go but this is hard because we're best friends and we kind of have to talk everyday. Well we don't nesecarilly HAVE TO but you get the point. If i suddenly stop all communications with her she will realize that something is wrong. But if I tell her why I'm really trying to ignore her it might make her feel akward and confused. There's also the fact that she has a boyfriend, and I respect the fact that they are together so I don't want to do anything to jeoperdize that.

I guess my real question is if anyone has been in this situation (for both sides) what are some of the things you did to help you "get over" your infatuation considering that she is one of your best friends.

I really love this girl and it just hurts so much, especially when we are together in a mall and someone mistakes us a couple or when I see pictures of her and boyfriend kissing. It breaks my heart greatly and all i can do is fake a smile and pretend that I'm happy for them when deep down I'm wishing it was me that she loved.

[Jassanova]

Millions of people have been in this situation, and really the only thing that helps you get over it is time, and finding someone you like more.

Just remember, most likely in x years from now you'll be happy in your own relationship and are going to laugh about how you wasted your time pining over this girl.

[sweetiee]

as per Jassanova... well said.

try to get over her. cut all contacts with her and take her our of your life for a whlie.. it'll be temporary.. just so you can lose the feelings and you can be JUST friends with her again. =)

[Ducdesmo]

Find yourself another girl to occupy yourself with.

[Durrann1984]

jassanova said it right
u need to find other ladies
your young and you have lotsa ladies that want your lovin

honestly a guy and girl i think can never be best friends
one or the other will fall for eachother, as in ur case

just keep busy and meet more ladies
u'll be fine
it'll sting for a bit
but maybe u shud speak to her less for now
good luck

[What_the?]

ouch... that really sucks man...

all you can really do is keep things under wraps until her relationship is over (if it ends)... and let her know then...

good luck

[Noir]

Hahahahahaha

You see. This is exactly why women CAN'T just be "best-friends" or friends with a guy to a close degree. Barring cases of exception, it's like what Jassanova says: this is all too common.

Nonetheless, if I had nothing better to do at the moment, I'd keep her around until something better comes along. It's gonna kill you on the inside but it's nothing a good masturbation can't fix (unless you already do that) lol

I mean c'mon. You're so in love with this chick. I can't really foresee you cutting off ties until you get another one. Just take what you can out of it and keep your expectations realistic.

[BoneThug]

id bail. she does not feel the same way, and her only choice would be the harshest of rejections to save the friendship. and you're not madly in love with anyone. you're just telling yourself you are. just be cool. its unfair for her to have to lose a best friend because you got weak and caught feelings.

[Culture_Vulture]

Are you sure you "love" her? Or do you just love her attention? There is a difference, and I've seen many good friendships ruined in this very same manner.

The best short-termed solution for you right now is to occupy yourself with a girlfriend of your own. It's amazing how much a little sexual healing can do. If not a girlfriend, at least a hobby of sorts that will allow you take take your mind off of her and the entire situation.
As for the long-termed solution, you could either wait it out and let time fix everything, or you can hope that she breaks up with her boyfriend because she feels the same way about you (not very likely at this point).

And you know what? Why jeopardize your friendship? I realize this is a lot harder than it sounds, but in reality that's only because the people giving you advice are thinking with their heads and you're thinking with your dick/heart/both. That really fucks you in the head sometimes.

Whatever the case, best of luck, OP.

-Physixx

[liu13]

same thing happen to me a few years ago

it was awful, just cut ties and spend much less time with her

[hirevtuner]

pay less attention to her find a hobby/girlfriend whatever
i've been in your shoes before and it's not the best position to be in

[Lil Bastrd]

personally if one of my guy friends had feelings for me I would hope he would tell me. Not with all the detail about being 'in love' with me, but at least to tell me that they are starting to see me in a different light. At first it would seem like a shock, then if your good friends through talking you could figure out together how to approach it. That's just me though, maybe i'm weird.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by Lil Bastrd

personally if one of my guy friends had feelings for me I would hope he would tell me. Not with all the detail about being 'in love' with me, but at least to tell me that they are starting to see me in a different light. At first it would seem like a shock, then if your good friends through talking you could figure out together how to approach it. That's just me though, maybe i'm weird.

He's not telling you because there's social obligations and implications once it's on record.

Say if you eventually get a bf. Technically you 2 shouldn't be hanging out alone together, no matter how innocent. (Again, this is just a technicality, not whats in actual practice socially).

+

How many Person A + Person B + Person C situations have we seen on RS alone and the moral and technical dilemmas that arise. The awkwardness that result, etc.

[Nvasion]

wanna risk it? if u really think its worth it then do it. alot of people marry their best friends.

[miss_crayon]

i think you should be fair to yourself and date other girls to see what's out there. from the sounds of it, for the past 6 years you've only made yourself available to hang out with this one girl (your bff) and naturally you like her because she knows you from the inside out. she understands you because she is your best friend, but dont forget you really have no one else to compare her to.

i say to slowly back yourself away from spending so much time with her and start dating around. even if it's not for your own good (to back away) think about the boyfriends pov. he might not be mentioning he doesn't like his gf spending so much time with another guy (even if you btoh are just friends) but i'd be a little uncomfortable with the s/o hanging out with the opposite sex so much.

if you both are meant to be together, then let time do its thing. even if you're not together now doesn't mean you might not be 5 years down the road. and maybe by that point you wont like her anymore. the possibilities are endless.

[!SG]

made the mistake once, never will again.

life lesson learned.

[NimbeeTT]

You're not alone dude, and be glad you havent done anything stupid yet cause I have and I lost my closest friend I've ever had since the day i moved into this neighborhood when i was 10. Im now 19.

I was in a very similar situation, we knew each other in elementry school, talked, he liked me, i had feelings for him, but stayed friends. High school came around, and we tried dating again, but didnt work out again. Grade 9 we suddenly started talking again and by that time we've known each other for so long we practically knew everything about each other it was just too good to not become good friends. We eventually became "best friends" and did everything together.
We talked on the phone every now and then, sometimes chatted up to 3-4 hours even though we live just 2 blocks away from each other, but at that time i saw him as just a best friend and only a best friend, i even considered him family, knowing perfectly well that he still had feelings for me but we both knew it was never gonna happen. I dated a few people on and off for short periods of time, he'd tell me he was happy for me but also told me he was bitter. We just laughed it off, and then last yr i went through a nasty break up and he was there for me, obviously, but because we were so extremely close at the time cause i needed a shoulder to lean on he took my actions in the wrong way and thought i was actually returning his feelings finally. On my bday a week after i got super drunk and said some stuff that really hurt him and broke his heart (without even knowing cause i was so drunk) but because i had subconciously led him on and he fell for it, he was hurt so badly that he wouldnt ever talk to me again even though we live down the street from each other.
8 years of friendship crushed, and its been a year since i've seen/talked to him

what im trying to say is, dont get yourself too worked up and try not to fall into it more because it's really not healthy and if things turn out bad and she rejects you or whatever, it's not easy getting that friendship back. I'd choose important friendship over taking that to the next level when it's one-sided like it is right now.
Girl-Guy best friends tend to be quite close, y'know, you hug and talk and do lots of stuff together guys dont normally do together and know everything about each other that it does sometimes feel like you're dating. It's hard to NOT develop feelings the wrong way. I mean, you're 19, whats the harm in staying friends for a few more years? i mean, yeah, she has a bf, but i bet shes just as old as you or maybe even younger, you've got a whole life ahead of ya, why put an important friendship on the line right now? Youre gonna regret so much if things go wrong. If you just wait and let the feelings subside and go out and try actually finding other girls, maybe 5-6 years down the road when you're both mature grown ups things might change. It's not like you're gonna get married right now.

That's my personal experience and input on that, good luck =) Dont do something you know you'll regret if it results badly.

[rsx]

girls and guys can never truly be friends..there's always the (awesome) sexual tension.. if you're unattractive then most likely you're a resource/pivot..just my opinion.

OP: Like everyone said, spend less time with her and meet other girls!! Don't put her on a pedestal or you'll start to compare every girl you meet to her..and they'll almost never meet that expectation.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by miss_crayon

i think you should be fair to yourself and date other girls to see what's out there. from the sounds of it, for the past 6 years you've only made yourself available to hang out with this one girl (your bff) and naturally you like her because she knows you from the inside out. she understands you because she is your best friend, but dont forget you really have no one else to compare her to.

Date other girls?

I don't think this guy has held himself exclusive with a girl who he doesn't have a relationship with. The avenue of dating has always been there for him. Whether he has had the opportunities for them or not is a different problem.

So the advice of "date other girls" doesn't really make sense.

[rsx]

Originally Posted by Noir

Date other girls?

I don't think this guy has held himself exclusive with a girl who he doesn't have a relationship with. The avenue of dating has always been there for him. Whether he has had the opportunities for them or not is a different problem.

So the advice of "date other girls" doesn't really make sense.

I think Crayon, like myself, is assuming that he has held himself off the dating scene because of his infatuation. Ie: He's not emotionally available to date other girls..that's my assumption.

[liu13]

Originally Posted by !SG

made the mistake once, never will again.

life lesson learned.

do share

[6793026]

u're 19, dude.........there are so many more horny women, good gfs, girl BFF, sexy gfs that you'll encounter until you get married.
imagine you dating and end up with this girl.. man......that's like saying i drove my first car and i want to be with a civic forever.

if you THINK there is something, just be her friend, and by the time when you both hit 24 or 29, the both of you (or her) will realize you're realy the one for her.

if not, hell, u'll have a best friend to always go to.

[Noir]

Originally Posted by rsx

I think Crayon, like myself, is assuming that he has held himself off the dating scene because of his infatuation. Ie: He's not emotionally available to date other girls..that's my assumption.

I was giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

I was hoping there's no one that stupid to commit themselves to a person they aren't dating, don't have a relationship with, heck, may not even be interested in them.

Besides, if anyone is that big of a loser, I don't think they would have the capability to just date around as per advised.

[Ulic Qel-Droma]

Originally Posted by NimbeeTT

You're not alone dude, and be glad you havent done anything stupid yet cause I have and I lost my closest friend I've ever had since the day i moved into this neighborhood when i was 10. Im now 19.

I was in a very similar situation, we knew each other in elementry school, talked, he liked me, i had feelings for him, but stayed friends. High school came around, and we tried dating again, but didnt work out again. Grade 9 we suddenly started talking again and by that time we've known each other for so long we practically knew everything about each other it was just too good to not become good friends. We eventually became "best friends" and did everything together.
We talked on the phone every now and then, sometimes chatted up to 3-4 hours even though we live just 2 blocks away from each other, but at that time i saw him as just a best friend and only a best friend, i even considered him family, knowing perfectly well that he still had feelings for me but we both knew it was never gonna happen. I dated a few people on and off for short periods of time, he'd tell me he was happy for me but also told me he was bitter. We just laughed it off, and then last yr i went through a nasty break up and he was there for me, obviously, but because we were so extremely close at the time cause i needed a shoulder to lean on he took my actions in the wrong way and thought i was actually returning his feelings finally. On my bday a week after i got super drunk and said some stuff that really hurt him and broke his heart (without even knowing cause i was so drunk) but because i had subconciously led him on and he fell for it, he was hurt so badly that he wouldnt ever talk to me again even though we live down the street from each other.
8 years of friendship crushed, and its been a year since i've seen/talked to him

no one's gonna say it? fuck i'm gonna say it. You're the fucking devil.. Sorry I had to say it, meanest thing i've said on rs, honestly. You're lucky the only thing you lost was him. 'nuff said.

[Culture_Vulture]

Originally Posted by NimbeeTT

You're not alone dude, and be glad you havent done anything stupid yet cause I have and I lost my closest friend I've ever had since the day i moved into this neighborhood when i was 10. Im now 19.

I was in a very similar situation, we knew each other in elementry school, talked, he liked me, i had feelings for him, but stayed friends. High school came around, and we tried dating again, but didnt work out again. Grade 9 we suddenly started talking again and by that time we've known each other for so long we practically knew everything about each other it was just too good to not become good friends. We eventually became "best friends" and did everything together.
We talked on the phone every now and then, sometimes chatted up to 3-4 hours even though we live just 2 blocks away from each other, but at that time i saw him as just a best friend and only a best friend, i even considered him family, knowing perfectly well that he still had feelings for me but we both knew it was never gonna happen. I dated a few people on and off for short periods of time, he'd tell me he was happy for me but also told me he was bitter. We just laughed it off, and then last yr i went through a nasty break up and he was there for me, obviously, but because we were so extremely close at the time cause i needed a shoulder to lean on he took my actions in the wrong way and thought i was actually returning his feelings finally. On my bday a week after i got super drunk and said some stuff that really hurt him and broke his heart (without even knowing cause i was so drunk) but because i had subconciously led him on and he fell for it, he was hurt so badly that he wouldnt ever talk to me again even though we live down the street from each other.
8 years of friendship crushed, and its been a year since i've seen/talked to him

what im trying to say is, dont get yourself too worked up and try not to fall into it more because it's really not healthy and if things turn out bad and she rejects you or whatever, it's not easy getting that friendship back. I'd choose important friendship over taking that to the next level when it's one-sided like it is right now.
Girl-Guy best friends tend to be quite close, y'know, you hug and talk and do lots of stuff together guys dont normally do together and know everything about each other that it does sometimes feel like you're dating. It's hard to NOT develop feelings the wrong way. I mean, you're 19, whats the harm in staying friends for a few more years? i mean, yeah, she has a bf, but i bet shes just as old as you or maybe even younger, you've got a whole life ahead of ya, why put an important friendship on the line right now? Youre gonna regret so much if things go wrong. If you just wait and let the feelings subside and go out and try actually finding other girls, maybe 5-6 years down the road when you're both mature grown ups things might change. It's not like you're gonna get married right now.

That's my personal experience and input on that, good luck =) Dont do something you know you'll regret if it results badly.

Heh.

Originally Posted by Physixx

#3: He's So Nice, He'll Always Be There
I've seen some friends take their time with a nice guy. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe a woman wants to meet some new guys and "sow her wild oats" while the nice guy fawns over her. She enjoys keeping him in her life as a friend, but somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that she can probably return to him later. Again, it's all about risk management: If you want to take the risk of him meeting someone else, then go for it.