| Harvey Specter | 06-19-2010 11:51 PM |
Vancouver's Asian men fear women prefer white guys
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Asian men in Canada often fret that the laws of supply and demand are working against them when it comes to hooking up with the right woman.
Many of Metro Vancouver's 400,000 Asian men, more than half of whom are ethnic Chinese, express two major complaints about the North American dating scene.
One: They are convinced that Asian women would rather go out with white men.
Two: They worry that white men prefer Asian women.
Are men with Asian ethnic origins justified in feeling anxious these racial preferences are actually operating in North American dating?
Ronald Lee, founder of a relationship service for Asian men in Metro Vancouver, believes Chinese, Japanese, Korean and other men with East Asian roots who make these complaints are looking for excuses to avoid facing their social awkwardness.
"I think men who say those things are bitter," says Lee, 33, who on Wednesday night organized the founding meeting of the Asian Men's Social Empowerment group, designed to help Asian men support each other in building relationships with women.
A two-year study out of Columbia University in New York City confirms Lee's perception that Asian men who worry the dating deck is stacked against them are buying in to false stereotypes.
In his research, Columbia University economist Ray Fisman did not find any evidence that white men prefer to date East Asian women.
And even though Fisman discovered a significantly high pairing of East Asian women with white men in the U.S., he concluded it was the case only because East Asian women "discriminated" racially against black and Hispanic men, and felt "neutral" toward white men.
Convinced that the family pressure on young Asian men to achieve financial success creates their relationship difficulties, Lee has made a career out of working with hundreds of East Asian men, and to a lesser extent Caucasians, to overcome their chronic social ineptitude.
"A lot of Asian men grow up in extremely restrictive and over-critical households, where they are told they cannot date women until they finish university or get a job," Lee said in an interview.
"Their parents push them to have a steady income before they seek out a woman, and it really screws them up. When the time finally comes, they don't have the social skills and self-confidence for dating."
Many East Asian men lack a firm identity and are "emotionally stunted," said Lee, a Simon Fraser University graduate who was born in east Vancouver after his parents moved to Canada from Hong Kong in the 1970s.
Many Asian men veer back and forth between relational extremes, Lee said. On one hand, many shyly fear they're seen as "geeks." On the other, they jump in to the dating scene with "false bravado" and unrealistic fantasies.
Many Asian men have unhelpful expectations of meeting either "mother figures" or "beauties," Lee said. They run up against Asian and other women looking for "someone to take care of them." Things often don't click.
In Metro Vancouver, which has the highest rate of mixed-race relationships in Canada (nine per cent), Lee said he has been in three serious partnerships -- two with Chinese women and one with a Caucasian.
Generally, Lee joins many others in maintaining that Metro Vancouver, compared with other major cities in North America and Europe, "is the hardest place to get a date for anyone."
Many Metro men and women are so individualistic and "into doing their own thing" that they haven't learned the art of flirting and connecting with potential partners.
In other words, the advice that Lee offers his predominantly East Asian male clients and friends for improving their relationship skills could apply to people of any ethnicity or gender in dating-challenged Metro.
Tip one: Truly listen to and appreciate the person you are meeting.
Tip two: Understand and convey what's special about you.
Tip three: Trust it when you feel the "chemistry."
http://communities.canada.com/VANCOU...hite-guys.aspx
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