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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 11-21-2011, 01:29 AM   #26
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JUST DO IT (when the time is right)? Nice try with the size 1 font. You just went from giving bad advice to giving useless advice. I mean, what's the point of advising someone "just do it (when the time is right)" when his initial query in the first place is in the nature of... "when is the time right?"



Beware the advice of this guy RS.

Point still is: body language suggest no. Don't go confessing just because you feel that other guys may be beating you to the punch.
And sarcasm clearly > you. Clearly it was a nice try because you had to point it out.

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Old 11-21-2011, 10:02 PM   #27
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The following is a reply from the OP

I'm curious to see what your stories are and how you personally worked your way up. If you can be detailed that would be good. At this point I am not 100% on confessing, and no I won't be confessing out of the blue. But I want to know how I can tell or how I can make my circumstances likely for me to confess. But please, let me know your stories.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:41 PM   #28
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Just do it.

My story:

I will try to keep this story as short as possible...

Me: Dating a guy for 9 years. Relationship kinda sucked, but you get into that mode of "it is what it is". After 9 years, the thought of dividing everything and possibly shattering another persons life is overwhelming and hard to do. We had bought a house, cars, pets, shared bank accounts, etc. Also, you just think that after 9 years, this is what a "normal" relationship is...boring, sex is shitty, you live more as roommates, work, pay the bills, make the dinner, watch Survivor, repeat.

The guy I was with had a sister who had started dating this guy about a year into my 9 year relationship with my ex. He was funny, sarcastic, good-looking, and we got along GREAT! I looked forward to "family" dinners b/c he and I would sit on one side of the table and laugh, share inside jokes, and talk for hours. We added each other to MSN, would talk there, gossip about the family....myself, my ex, his sister and her bf would get together every so often and it always turned out that me and her bf would be the ones talking and making the night fun. We bonded over the fact that we were "the add-ons" to the family and I truly appreciated his friendship b/c he was always one of those people that gave it to you "straight-up".

We began hanging out or going for coffee once or twice a year without our SO and would always bitch (nicely) about our relationships and give each other advice. After 6 years he and my ex's sister broke up, but he and I still stayed friends.

There was always something "there". The odd time we would joke "yeah, you want me" and the other would respond "you fucking wish", yeah whatever...move on to something else. Neither of us would act on it, as I would never cheat and he would never make a move out of respect of that.

My 9 year relationship came to a crashing halt with my ex 3 weeks after he proposed b/c he cheated on me. Funny enough, I wasn't all that upset. It sucked, I felt betrayed but mostly b/c of the lie...not the actual deed. It was bittersweet b/c I was not all that happy to begin with but was now left divided that life up b/w us.

I sent a text to the sis's ex to tell him what happened, b/c out of everyone I knew, he knew my ex and his family the most. He was rather shocked and we made plans to get together so I could tell him the whole story. That night I went to his place where we ordered chinese and I told him everything...we laughed at the absurdity of it all, talked about random shit, and had a lot of fun. Towards the end of the night, we were standing in his kitchen when he said "I've kinda got something to tell you". I said "what?". He said, "I've kinda had a lot of feelings for you for the past 6 years". It would be a lie to say it totally caught me off-guard, but it was still a little shocking to finally hear it. I confessed that I had always thought about the potential of us and was disappointed when my ex proposed, as I would never get to see what would happen.

And by the romantic light of his bathroom, he kissed me. It was one of the best things that has ever happened in my life. From there it is history...still going strong after almost 3.5 years.

We always talk about how we wish we told each other sooner instead of wasting all this time with our exes. How would it have turned out if we told each other 5 years ago?

My advice it to tell her. Some friends come and go throughout your life...but you could end up really missing out on love.

And that is about as corny as I ever want to be on RS.

Heart ya Grid!
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:46 PM   #29
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^Damn.
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Old 11-21-2011, 10:48 PM   #30
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There ain't nothing better in the world than falling in love with your best-friend.
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Old 11-21-2011, 11:26 PM   #31
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Spoiler!


did anyone else add in their own sex scene at the end of that story?
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Old 11-21-2011, 11:49 PM   #32
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Spoiler!


did anyone else add in their own sex scene at the end of that story?
"They're real, and they're spectacular."
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:05 AM   #33
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Just do it.

My story:

I will try to keep this story as short as possible...

........

My advice it to tell her. Some friends come and go throughout your life...but you could end up really missing out on love.

And that is about as corny as I ever want to be on RS.

Heart ya Grid!
See this is why I am dissappointed at the current generation's view on relationships. Relaionship is way too casual and there is almost no significance or difference whether a person is engaged or not. I can't count the amount of times I have been involved in your kind of story (always have to avoid flirting or eye fucking whatever with friends gf's). And the times I responded (eye fuck them back and also with a smile whatever, shit always get real).

Fuck whatever, I was going to post more but I just wish more people would stay loyal to their SO's, in both actus reus AND mens rea in your case, like the previous generations, where to have a boyfriend/girlfriend is actually significant. If we let our lust takeover whenever we see a hotter guy/girl, then we are no different to animals.

Last edited by Zyzz; 11-22-2011 at 07:47 AM.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:32 AM   #34
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And sarcasm clearly > you. Clearly it was a nice try because you had to point it out.
So first you're saying: "just do it"

Then you're saying: "just do it - but ONLY when the time is right"

and next you're saying: "it was sarcastic"



keep at it brah. Your twists and turns are Shymalan-like.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:43 AM   #35
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The guy I was with had a sister who had started dating this guy about a year into my 9 year relationship with my ex. He was funny, sarcastic, good-looking, and we got along GREAT! I looked forward to "family" dinners b/c he and I would sit on one side of the table and laugh, share inside jokes, and talk for hours. We added each other to MSN, would talk there, gossip about the family....myself, my ex, his sister and her bf would get together every so often and it always turned out that me and her bf would be the ones talking and making the night fun. We bonded over the fact that we were "the add-ons" to the family and I truly appreciated his friendship b/c he was always one of those people that gave it to you "straight-up".

We began hanging out or going for coffee once or twice a year without our SO and would always bitch (nicely) about our relationships and give each other advice. After 6 years he and my ex's sister broke up, but he and I still stayed friends.
I still say no (to the just do it):

Good story, congrats on the happy ending but you guys had this going on:

1. You found him attractive to begin with (which leads to #2)
2. You like his company
3. You've already bonded over common interests
4. You've spent platonic time together (just alone - you two)
5. You guys already communicate to each other one on one on a personal level.
6. The above has allowed you to grow comfort within each other.
7. You guys even reached "joking/flirtation" level.



I think that's just the gist of it, but I don't think the OP has even half that going for him; and will more likely just be burning a bridge too soon.

I'm going to have to agree with Crayon that according to his description so far, it doesn't look good, unless there's some additional info that failed to mention that might change things.
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Old 11-22-2011, 07:53 AM   #36
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I still say no (to the just do it):

Good story, congrats on the happy ending but you guys had this going on:

1. You found him attractive to begin with (which leads to #2)
2. You like his company
3. You've already bonded over common interests
4. You've spent platonic time together (just alone - you two)
5. You guys already communicate to each other one on one on a personal level.
6. The above has allowed you to grow comfort within each other.
7. You guys even reached "joking/flirtation" level.
+1

See, the thing about loyalty is that, not only does it have to be done, it also has to be shown it is done as well.
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:06 AM   #37
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I'm going to weigh in here, because I don't think Dinosaur is in the mood to share anymore.

I get where some people are coming from, on the casual nature of relationships. Let's make a few points clear, as they were written in her original story. And, as I was there, I can assure you that our exes made the same conclusions.

First...although, in retrospect, our friendship was skirting on the inappropriate side, there was a line that we never crossed. I was out of my relationship for 3 years before she was, and could have made a move at any time. She would have broken up with him, and we probably would have ended up together. Would we have lasted? I don't know. I don't like the idea of a relationship that started from cheating and divided loyalties. Both of us can hold our heads high in that we were free and clear from everyone before we started dating. Not a huge amount of time for her, but time.

Now, I mentioned that both exes didn't see it that way. Even though we had broken up for 3 years, I did the solid of calling my ex to tell her. I had some issues with the idea of her mother getting involved, and wanted the information to be straight and clear from my mouth before getting cycled though anyone else for interpretation.

Her first question was, were you involved in the break-up. Nice.

Let's re-emphasize another point...Dino's ex cheated on her! Not a little wink after dinner, more like down and dirty fucking in the back of a pick-up truck kinda cheating. My ex's brother here...was the confirmed cheater, and once again, immediately the fingers were pointed at me as the villain.

And yes, he took great solace in the fact that dino was obviously cheating the whole time. Why would he want to go there so badly? I don't know...a good cure for a little guilt that he couldn't do the solid of saying "I'm done" before nailing someone else?

At this point, its old stuff for us. Out of the 4 people involved, 3 of us have moved on, and my ex has a cat. Dino is friends with her ex, and although there is an elephant in the room when they talk, its alright. I have never had an interest in being friends with mine, and its a reciprocal feeling. I think we've stood the test of time, where it obviously wasn't a matter of going out and fucking the one person that would really knee the guy in the balls, but we fell in love, and we're in it for life.
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Old 11-22-2011, 12:55 PM   #38
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Dinosaur + Gridlock

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Old 11-22-2011, 03:28 PM   #39
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^^ That made me hella LOL
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Old 11-22-2011, 05:39 PM   #40
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How did you guys confess to your girlfriends? Ive been liking this girl for a long time now but she just seems too good for me. To be honest, I don't even know if I'm even her type.

Normally, I talk perfectly normal and am a pretty outgoing guy, but whenever i see her I stumble over my words. Perhaps this is going against me because I know girls like confidence. I talk with her in school sometimes one on one. I remember one time when we would talk and all of a sudden she would avoid my gaze cus things got a bit awkward and then she kinda blushed. She then told me she had to go somewhere but ended up walking in the opposite direction of where she intended on going.

Perhaps she finds me an awkward person and just wanted to ditch as fast as she could. Jinni but it just seems like there are so many better guys going after her. I was just wondering how you guys progressed thru the stages from being friends to being couples. How did you guys confess? I'm curious to hear your stories.
If you want more from her than she wants from you, you shouldn't be in that relationship. Even if you do get with her, you are not equal with her. And you have to do a lot of things to keep her. A waste of fucking time.

Find your own good qualities and hone on them. If you build it they will come.
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Old 11-26-2011, 12:10 PM   #41
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give her this

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Old 11-26-2011, 07:06 PM   #42
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what does a SO mean?
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Old 11-26-2011, 07:28 PM   #43
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Significant other. ie. your boyfriend/girlfriend.
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Old 11-28-2011, 11:52 AM   #44
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if you are under 20, dont do it
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Old 11-29-2011, 12:40 PM   #45
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The following is an anonymous REPLY from a member

TL;DR version, my take on it, what I've learned from this experience that may or may not help you:

Confessing doesn't work unless you've already planted that seed of idea in her head
Don't put all your feelings/eggs in one basket, as most of the time you won't get out of the friend zone. Keeping your options open and not having your feelings all on this one girl keeps you sane and not too depressed if/when she rejects you.
At the same time, it makes treating her like a friend easier; but don't be afraid to flirt, which helps with the last and MOST IMPORTANT point

Keep her on her toes, keep her guessing whether you're just a friend to her or you like her more than a friend. She might not be thinking of you as boyfriend material, but she will be thinking of you nonetheless, which is all that's needed to plant that idea in her head, as she wonders "why am I thinking about him so much?" I N C E P T I O N STYLE.

Take it from a guy who went through high school pining over friends, confessing, and getting rejected, it does NOT work.

Common knowledge says that if you're in the friend zone, you will be forever stuck in there.

That said, I am happy to say I am currently in the minority that I recently successfully made that jump out of the Friend Zone.

How did I do it? It took a LONG time, but it wasn't something I was actively pursuing on a regular basis. One reason was that I got messed up pretty bad from a bad relationship, and wasn't really ready for anything serious for long time.

Once I was, I dated around, but always had her in the back of my mind. Whenever we hung out I'd just pay more attention to her, some friendly-flirting in person and via text, just to keep her on her toes and chip away at the possibility that I just MIGHT get with her.

Eventually we hung out just us two a few times, which turned out to be very unintentionally romantic non-dates, which was really what started to put the seed of the idea of us "dating" in her head, from what she tells me. However, still seeing other people, and still acting like a 'friend' to her, save for the occasional flirty comment or text.

The 'moment' that hit for her was we were at a bar one night, with a group of friends. I was leaving early, and went to give her a hug good bye. For some reason (could be the alcohol), I hung on for a few seconds longer than your standard hug. I felt something, and she told me after that was the moment when she really realized the feelings for me she'd been ignoring or pushing aside. To quote her, "as cliche as it sounds, it felt like time stood still when we had that hug."

It finally happened when one weekend we were at different bars, I texted her that too bad she couldn't get into the one I was at. She texted me back "I know. it's not the same without you." To me I was like but I know what it meant.

Anyway, I just read dinosaur's post as I was composing this long-ass post, and seems like the main point of flirting with the girl but at the same time keeping it 'friendly' but with an air of sexual tension, was kinda what happened in mine and her instances too.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:29 PM   #46
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I agree completely with the above post. Most recent girl I met.
Early stages I was friendly/flirting and things went well! She wanted to hang out lots! Then I got weak and confessed then things went downhill.
We work together, so during work time. I find it a lil akward, but during our coffe break. Not as akward.
I'm not the best with relationships, but I didn learn a vaulable lesson here.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:38 PM   #47
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I agree completely with the above post. Most recent girl I met.
Early stages I was friendly/flirting and things went well! She wanted to hang out lots! Then I got weak and confessed then things went downhill.
We work together, so during work time. I find it a lil akward, but during our coffe break. Not as akward.
I'm not the best with relationships, but I didn learn a vaulable lesson here.
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lesson here is.....
dont confess

just confess with action...u wana kiss her KISS her..
u wanna hold her hands HOLD her hands
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:42 PM   #48
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I think thats a pretty nice and romatic story.. but knowing a girl too long or too much before her becoming your gf can be detrimental... and more chances of going into the friend zone. The longest I ever chased a girl only lasted 2 weekends. Unless you like dating friends... which I don't, I keep friends separate from girls I want to date

The reality is, the best way to chase a girl is to improve yourself. Girls can tell from the first time meeting you whether they wanna date you at all. Chasing can only do so much. I dont think the problem here is confessing. You should only confess when you picked up enough signals and have it in the bag anyways.

Meet more people so you dont have to select girls to chase from your list of friends = dont have to worry about these.

Last edited by Zyzz; 11-30-2011 at 09:48 PM.
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Old 11-30-2011, 09:50 PM   #49
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lesson here is.....
dont confess

just confess with action...u wana kiss her KISS her..
u wanna hold her hands HOLD her hands
Yah agree. I also left out that
She broke up with her EX. Few weeks later she had crush on me, and we slept together a few times
After that. It slowly died down.
Either I was a rebound or she got bored of me. Argggg
I know better to move on. But yet I keep chasing her when
The chances are slim.
Wow. I'm getting oFf topic.
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Old 04-02-2012, 10:22 PM   #50
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rather than starting a new thread, i wanted to bring this old one back up.

from the comments that i'm seeing, it seems like the majority agree that waiting it out and not confessing is the way to go. a few of you have mentioned this, but at what point would you confess to get away from the "friendzone". what if the girl has an attraction towards you and waiting for you to confess, but because it took too long, they now start to lose interest.

i'm asking because i'm confused and i'm sort of in a similar situation.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noir View Post
I still say no (to the just do it):

Good story, congrats on the happy ending but you guys had this going on:

1. You found him attractive to begin with (which leads to #2)
2. You like his company
3. You've already bonded over common interests
4. You've spent platonic time together (just alone - you two)
5. You guys already communicate to each other one on one on a personal level.
6. The above has allowed you to grow comfort within each other.

7. You guys even reached "joking/flirtation" level.



I think that's just the gist of it, but I don't think the OP has even half that going for him; and will more likely just be burning a bridge too soon.

I'm going to have to agree with Crayon that according to his description so far, it doesn't look good, unless there's some additional info that failed to mention that might change things.
so far from the above list, the ones bolded is what i know of how she feels about me. there were others things we did so far, such as having dinner alone together. i tease her a lot and make fun of her in a playful way. she doesn't get mad and we both get a good laugh. she compliments me a lot (friendzone?) i was late in asking her to watch a certain movie with me and i said "dang, i wanted to watch that movie with you too" and she replied back by saying that if i can't find anyone else, she would watch it again with me.

originally i planned on asking her to dinner this weekend and confessing, but it seems like everything in this thread is telling me not to. any thoughts?
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