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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 01-18-2012, 01:33 AM   #1
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[Confidential] Is it wrong to break up because of no sex?

The following post is from an anonymous member. If they would like to reply to any replies please pm me.


Ive been going out with this girl for the last 3 years, and everything is good. We have a lot in common and I really care about her and everything but the biggest problem for me is we hardly ever have sex.

When we first started going out we were doing it, but nowhere near the average (going by what my friends tell me). Now we hardly ever do it at all. The dry spell has been going on for almost half a year now...and Im in a long term relationship seeing her almost every day or other day. Now it usually is once every 3-4 months

I addressed this problem to her many times before saying im a guy and i have physical needs and I need a sense of intimacy with my significant other. She on the other hand is emotional and has zero physical needs she says. Even when we are doing it, I always have to initiate and it seems like its a major chore for her and she says she doesnt like it.

So now Im thinking to myself, sex is very important for me and I believe its essential in relationships, especially ones that are long term. I can see a future with her and I am happy with her, but I do not want to have a future with no intimacy. Shes a wonderful person but really I cant stand having no physical intimacy.

Its obviously very important to me but seems meaningless to her. If I do propose to her the option to break up I think she will agree to try and change. But in the she still doesnt want to do it. I cant ask someone to do something they dont want to. That just makes me an asshole.

This issue has driven us to be more distant with each other, what am I suppose to do?

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Old 01-18-2012, 01:44 AM   #2
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the answer is obvious, you and her are increasingly distant, break it off before she breaks your heart.

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Old 01-18-2012, 02:37 AM   #3
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Old 01-18-2012, 02:58 AM   #4
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Hmmm, Love has a lot of give and take... but it should be fairly mutual. Asking her about her needs and talking about your needs does not make you an asshole, Forcing her into having sex with you would make you an asshole
(Not physically forcing her as that is rape, It's Wrong and makes you an even bigger asshole :P)

When you talked to her was her only reason that she does not have physical needs? I personally dont know if there is a whole lot more that you can do other then talk to her, assuming that you two still go out on dates... May seem like nothing, but having fun and new experiences will help a relationship that's in a repetitive rut.

No need to just quit after 3 years, but the thought is understandable. If trying to change the daily routines doesnt help then ask her what she thinks could help as you two, Dont try to fix everything yourself as it wont always work. If neither of you know what to do or what you want then it may be an option to take a break
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Old 01-18-2012, 03:30 AM   #5
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Question: Is it wrong to break up because of no sex?
Answer: Nope.

You're obviously being neglected. If you as a partner were neglecting her needs (whatever they may be), she'd dump you too.


Note:
BTW, in my encounters before getting married, lots of women use sex as a tool to get your commitment. Once they have it... well you know..
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Old 01-18-2012, 03:36 AM   #6
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Well in all seriousness two things come to my mind right away:

1. You're terrible in the sack
Maybe learn some new moves and get some skills so she's not thinking it's a "chore" that she doesn't like.

2. She's getting it on the side.
Chicks have needs just as much as us guys do.

I'd leave her either way. I'd still leave if it's something else. It's pretty obvious she doesn't have any respect for you with her lack of communication whether my guesses were right or not.

Too many girls in the sea willing to s your d to be hung up on one that won't.

My two cents.
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Old 01-18-2012, 03:52 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noir View Post
Question: Is it wrong to break up because of no sex?
Answer: Nope.

You're obviously being neglected. If you as a partner were neglecting her needs (whatever they may be), she'd dump you too.
Forgot to answer that question and i agree with Noir
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Old 01-18-2012, 07:10 AM   #8
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Or she has no sex drive, or she doesn't know her body well enough to know how to enjoy sex. These are very, very very common problems.

Furthermore she could have a medical issue (I once switched birth control to one that absolutely obliterated my desire to have sex and it ruined a very long relationship).

But at the end of the day those things are her responsibilities, and if your desires for sex don't match up you're not a good match and that's a deal breaker. Get out before you end up in a sexless marriage and cheating because any 'change' she makes now are unlikely to be long term.
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Old 01-18-2012, 07:14 AM   #9
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6 months? Yeah something's up for sure, I agree you're definitely being neglected.
I think it's time you sit down with her and get to the root of the problem first before deciding what to do. If she says nothing is wrong it's pure bullshit
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Old 01-18-2012, 07:23 AM   #10
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I agree with newgirl in that it has more to do with her own issues rather than 'getting some on the side' or anything like that. Definitely work it out, and if you can't, it's definitely worth breaking up over.
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Old 01-18-2012, 09:24 AM   #11
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In a relationship it's give and take. If you NEED it and she HATES it.. and you can't talk it out. Somethings got to give.

If you do breakup, just remember, it's not your fault. It's a 2-way street that wasn't working out.
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Old 01-18-2012, 10:24 AM   #12
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if she doesn't like it anyways... put it up the butt when you get a chance.

seriously though there HAS to be some underlying issue. Women need sex as much as men do unless she has never experienced enjoyable sex. Ask her what she likes and and why. Once you figure out why she likes certain things (positions, fantasies, etc.) then you can gradually explore her sexuality.
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Old 01-18-2012, 11:19 AM   #13
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Maybe go on a vacation, a romatic getway and see how things are. Try different things I guess.
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Old 01-18-2012, 05:51 PM   #14
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I couldn't see myself in a sexless relationship.... It's an intimate bond between two individuals.
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Old 01-18-2012, 06:16 PM   #15
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No such thing as it's my problem, not yours. Problems are made to be solved, it's whether if you want to solve them or just screw it and throw everything away. Before you make any judgements or decisions, I would talk about it with her and seriously ask her what is making her this way lately. There is a reason for everything and I'm looking as if your relationship is a more mature one when you say "you want to propose", but in all seriousness, without the physical intimacy there won't be any constant feelings speaking honestly. I look at it as if you're a couple that has a child and working both full time so there won't be much time for intimacy, but the fact is it isn't so make things work.

Good luck =]
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Old 01-18-2012, 06:46 PM   #16
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I think sex is a really important in a relationship
So yah do talk it out
With her
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Old 01-18-2012, 07:18 PM   #17
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Maybe go on a vacation, a romatic getway and see how things are. Try different things I guess.
That's just a band aid solution. Guaranteed it will work, but only for the time being; it doesn't fix things when the couple gets back and things settle down to normal again.

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No such thing as it's my problem, not yours. Problems are made to be solved, it's whether if you want to solve them or just screw it and throw everything away. Before you make any judgements or decisions, I would talk about it with her and seriously ask her what is making her this way lately. There is a reason for everything and I'm looking as if your relationship is a more mature one when you say "you want to propose", but in all seriousness, without the physical intimacy there won't be any constant feelings speaking honestly. I look at it as if you're a couple that has a child and working both full time so there won't be much time for intimacy, but the fact is it isn't so make things work.


Good luck =]
Sex drive is inherent and can't be fixed by talking. Even if he pleads his case, and she genuinely sympathizes, it will only fix things temporarily.




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Well in all seriousness two things come to my mind right away:

1. You're terrible in the sack
Maybe learn some new moves and get some skills so she's not thinking it's a "chore" that she doesn't like.

2. She's getting it on the side.
Chicks have needs just as much as us guys do.

I'd leave her either way. I'd still leave if it's something else. It's pretty obvious she doesn't have any respect for you with her lack of communication whether my guesses were right or not.

Too many girls in the sea willing to s your d to be hung up on one that won't.

My two cents.

Wrong on both counts.

1. The lack of sex doesn't mean one is terrible in the sack. Or else you're condemning all married men as terrible lovers. Most of the time, it just means you've been together for a while.

It doesn't matter how attracted you are to each other, it doesn't matter how many techniques each of you know, there comes a point where you guys have done everything to each other, and explored everything about each other, and have done so in countless repitition that eventually, everything becomes or routine.


2. That being said, just because the sex is down doesn't mean neither you nor her are getting any on the side. Unless you're the standard emo-life-cynic.
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Old 01-19-2012, 02:59 PM   #18
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she sounds like a prude.

i know one, i feel sorry for her boyfriend.
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Old 01-19-2012, 03:10 PM   #19
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she sounds like a prude.

i know one, i feel sorry for her boyfriend.
Actually, she's probably not. She probably desperately wants to have a normal libido.

I know it's hard for you guys to understand cause your parts, they work from the time you're ready for them too, hell even long before that.

Most women's don't. Not only are they thoughally shamed for touching and exploring themselves as youngsters, and when they do they're not user friendly and require more then just physical stimulation to function to actual completion. Most of the women I know didn't actually have an orgasim until they were in their 20s or 30s, many can't cum at all. Most women I know don't masterbate so they haven't a CLUE how to get themselves off. And many of the ones I know who can get themselves off still can't cum from having a penis in their vagina (as this doesn't actually give us the right stimulation in most positions unless your cock is the PERFECT size/angle what ever for our bodies).

Then even when all the physical stars align there's the mental component that needs to be tended to as well. Most women need to be in the right head space to cum. And they don't magically know 'I need to feel X Y Z' to get off, it takes a lot of exploration to find out what THAT is too. Again with out a manual or anyone even explaining what that means.

And even if ALL that has been taken care of there's a plethora of health issues that lead to hormone problems that kill the sex drive of women, some caused by medication (anti depressents, my aforementioned birth control experience, blood pressure medications, anti anxiety drugs, diabetes... I could go on and on).

The whole system is hard bloody work to manage and a lot of women don't get a handle on it till they are older, hence why we peak in our 30s rather then our late teens like you boys.

THAT said, like I said, if your libidos don't match it's still a deal breaker IMO. But that doesn't make the girl a prude.
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Old 01-19-2012, 04:37 PM   #20
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Old 01-19-2012, 05:35 PM   #21
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The following is a reply from the anonymous member




Prolowtone - Thanks for your advice. When I talked to her, she said shes always been this way even with her exes (not liking sex). She went to see a sex therapist before to try and see what was wrong and they said that she was an emotional person who needs full support from the SO but nothing physical. We don't go much out because we are both very busy with trying to make our careers, the only time we see each other is usually to eat dinner or grab a coffee.

Noir - Thank you for your input. I do feel neglected or taken for granted sometimes. Whatever that could help make her life easier I try to do for her. She thought something might be wrong with her. She says that she should go see a doctor to see if anything is wrong with her, but seems like she always puts it off or is too busy to make time to checkup.

Neva - Thanks for your 2 cents. But I believe Noir summed up most of what was on my mind. Its a much deeper issue then me being horrible in bed or shes cheating on me.

TheNewGirl - Thanks for chiming in. Please refer to my reply to Noir regarding a medical issue. That has been one of my thought that I should break off before I end up cheating, cuz that will only end up hurting her more in the end.

BaoTurbo - I meant "propose the offer to break up" like tell her I want to break up, she'd try to change, but as noir said it is most likely only temporarily. But I agree, without the physical intimacy I seriously feel like I am just he nicest best guy friend whos friendzoned for life. The one whos always there for her and helping her with what she needs, but never getting any lol. I am having a hard time seeing the difference between me as a boyfriend and one of her guy friends, seems like a thin line to me right now

!Yaminashi, Skinnypupp, melloman, JKam, Mr.Happyslip, chinezeboi, Durrann - Thanks for all the replies.
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:23 PM   #22
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Well, since you talked to her and got no where, its time to end things.

This issue will forever be relevant if you and your SO remain together.

The temporary fix of her "trying" to engage in sex will fix nothing.
The first time will be great cause its almost like a "finally" moment. But afterwards, you will feel guilty and unnatural. It will feel like you are forcing her into it as she has no interest. Plus most likely it will be very unsatisfactory.

Sorry bud, but I think its best if you end now before you get dragged through the mud.
I feel strongly about this after reading your comment to BaoTurbo.


Edit**
Not exactly the same problem as you still similar. some good points
http://www.reddit.com/r/relationship...d_i_leave_her/
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Old 01-19-2012, 07:50 PM   #23
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Break up with her, it's a pretty selfish thing to do. You said you already talked about it with her and no improvement.
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Old 01-19-2012, 08:15 PM   #24
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+2 to the above replies. She needs to find someone more compatible. There are guys out there who are like that, I'm sure.
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Old 01-19-2012, 09:20 PM   #25
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+2 to the above replies. She needs to find someone more compatible. There are guys out there who are like that, I'm sure.
by guys-like-that you mean... men above their 40's?


jk, I kid, I kid. On a serious note though, if I were to guess their age demographic were either in their late teens, or early 20's... that's pretty rare to find a guy as sexually disinterested as her.
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