Friend put our friendship on the line over her bf (Serious post) **need advice**

[LIKEABOSS]

Clearly she cares more about her relationship with her bf than her friendship with you. It's really that simple. You're "confused" because you just don't like the outcome.

But don't sweat it so much, things like this happen all the time and as one gets older this kind of stuff becomes a lot less common.

[blee123]

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

Then be the good friend and let her have this relationship.
But don't go through her friends to try to contact her.

Give her some time with this dude. If things go well, she will message you back.

Back when I first started my current wife, all her friends were warning her to be wary of me and how they had a bad vibe against me. Well, 12 years later we are happily married and she still sees most of these friends once in a few months. I make it a point not to join them but I give her enough space and she appreciates it.

thanks again for the advice, i msged her friend to make sure she was "safe". She went on a trip and i was worried if anything happened to her since i have not heard from her for so long. If i didnt msg her friend, i wouldn't have gotten the news that was fine and well.

Btw it was her friend that told me she would tell her to msg me back. I just msged her friend cause i was worried about her safetly.

[blee123]

Originally Posted by Glove

obviously you judged wrong, she dropped you the second a bf came along.

and if you were a good judge, shouldnt have a problem finding another bff

sadly you may be right bro, maybe i did judge wrongly...

[SumAznGuy]

Originally Posted by MindBomber

In a secure, mature relationship having friends of the opposite sex should be a completely irrelevant issue. I know my girlfriend speaks to other men at school, work and has male friends, but since it's a secure relationship I have no reason to believe she would cheat. If in a relationship you believe that your partner would cheat simply because they have a friend of the opposite sex, there are deeper issues that need to be addressed.

Maybe if this was a relationship that has lasted many years and both parties know each other very well. In a relationship that is only 3 months old, it is hard to expect that guy to be 100% secure with her especially since according to op that the girl is way to good for him. Unless op is gay, it is hard to convince the new guy that they are just friends. And even then it may seem weird that they are so close.

My relationship is my relationship, my friends are my friends, I see no reason why the two cannot be maintained as separate entities as a person matures.

Then you may not have been in a serious long term relationship. Sure I still go out and have beers with friends or road trips to track days with the guys but every guy has their own lives and women to go home to and so do I. If my wife isn't my best friend, then there may be some issues.

I may not be explaining this the best that I can, but wait till Dinosaur and Gridlock explain it. There was another thread that is similar in topic.

[blee123]

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

Maybe if this was a relationship that has lasted many years and both parties know each other very well. In a relationship that is only 3 months old, it is hard to expect that guy to be 100% secure with her especially since according to op that the girl is way to good for him. Unless op is gay, it is hard to convince the new guy that they are just friends. And even then it may seem weird that they are so close.



Then you may not have been in a serious long term relationship. Sure I still go out and have beers with friends or road trips to track days with the guys but every guy has their own lives and women to go home to and so do I. If my wife isn't my best friend, then there may be some issues.

I may not be explaining this the best that I can, but wait till Dinosaur and Gridlock explain it. There was another thread that is similar in topic.

hahahaahahaha, i'm not gay i have dated girls before and have other guy best friends too, and she happend to have the potential to be another one of my bestfriends.

I'm waiting for dinosaur to come in and RAWR for me haha

[MindBomber]

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

Maybe if this was a relationship that has lasted many years and both parties know each other very well. In a relationship that is only 3 months old, it is hard to expect that guy to be 100% secure with her especially since according to op that the girl is way to good for him. Unless op is gay, it is hard to convince the new guy that they are just friends. And even then it may seem weird that they are so close.

Fair enough. If I were in a new relationship with a girl I would never ask her to drop an existing friend to appease concerns. I wouldn't want someone to lose a true friend as a result of our relationship, keeping in mind that people with feelings that are more than platonic would disappear on their own with time and aren't a real threat to the relationship anyway, obviously they've already had a chance if she was recently single.

Originally Posted by SumAznGuy

Then you may not have been in a serious long term relationship. Sure I still go out and have beers with friends or road trips to track days with the guys but every guy has their own lives and women to go home to and so do I. If my wife isn't my best friend, then there may be some issues.

I may not be explaining this the best that I can, but wait till Dinosaur and Gridlock explain it. There was another thread that is similar in topic.

I've been in my current relationship for almost exactly three years, we've lived together for more than two years, I think that could be considered a serious relationship. I certainly understand how a relationship or marriage progresses to where you become best friends, and however common, I don't see that as an inevitability. For me at least, my girlfriend has a specific roll in my life and clearly is an important part of it, but my friends and what I gain from relationships with them is very different. I couldn't see the too combined as one, if they were it would feel as if something is missing, but that's just me, everyone is very individual with these types of things.

[Araaadi]

imo. Op you're being a little bitch. Not to be rude buts it's pretty obvious she wants nothing to do with you so her bf can be happy. Stop thinking about her. It seems obvious you have more than friendly feelings for her if you worry this much. I've been in a situation like this before, just drop her from your life and watch her come crawling back after they break up.
Posted via RS Mobile

[blee123]

Originally Posted by Araaadi

imo. Op you're being a little bitch. Not to be rude buts it's pretty obvious she wants nothing to do with you so her bf can be happy. Stop thinking about her. It seems obvious you have more than friendly feelings for her if you worry this much. I've been in a situation like this before, just drop her from your life and watch her come crawling back after they break up.
Posted via RS Mobile

thanks for the advice but i don't think i'm being the bitch here. Her bf would be the bitch since hes the one telling not to do this and that. He even created the fb account jus to tell everyone she was "taken" . I knew her way before he met her. I think hes being the bitch here bro.

I guess i'll jus not think of her for now and we'll see what happens from here.

[Mr.HappySilp]

Just back off....... U are just her frd. And to be honest even if it is just a regular frd u should stop texting and worrying about her so much.

She now have a bf so which means she spends more time with him now.

Is sort like when your frds get marry you don't hung with them as often or even see them becasue well they have their own family and their new life.

Just back off and pretend she was never there. If she message u great but if not then whatever.

[Spoon]

OP sounds like a sticky man-bitch . . .

If she's happy with her choice, let her be. That's what friends do even if it means sacrificing yourself.

[blee123]

Originally Posted by Spoon

OP sounds like a sticky man-bitch . . .

If she's happy with her choice, let her be. That's what friends do even if it means sacrificing yourself.

after finding everything out, i have already backed off and left her alone. I jus made the post here to see what others in the same situation will do.

[parm104]

I don't wanna be a dick or anything but this chick hasn't talked to you for 3 WEEKS and you are sitting here asking what to do? Man, a month of not talking to someone you usually talk to, without any explanation or forewarning is reason enough NOT to be friends with that person.

Furthermore, you sitting here telling us how badly you wanted to be friends with her and how affected you are about not having her in your life, is perhaps, enough reason to warrant her jealous boyfriend to be overbearing and concerned. You are clearly in denial and don't realize you like this chick. Just look at your actions. You are looking into reasons WHY her BOYFRIEND got Facebook and continuously assuming (although you may well be right) that the reasoning behind her actions is her boyfriend. You're putting all fingers at the boyfriend and nothing at her...You've got her on pedestal man.

At the end of the day, we are the makers of our own destiny. We chose to do what we want. We have free will...If she really valued your friendship and wanted you in her life, she would make sure you're there. If she's not there for a month or longer...she's made a choice and you should move on. Don't be her b*tch staying there no matter what happens, and being there for her when it's CONVENIENT FOR HER. She'll always use and abuse you then and you won't get anything more out that relationship (which to me, is evidentially what you want deep down.)

Originally Posted by blee123

after finding everything out, i have already backed off and left her alone. I jus made the post here to see what others in the same situation will do.

After finding everything out? What are you talking about? You haven't really found anything out except for the fact that she went on a trip and she came back safely...

Everything else you're saying are assumptions on your part. The guy making a Facebook account to say she's taken, the guy telling her not to talk to you at all and cut you out of her life, the guy telling her not to sit with you in class...those are your assumptions; not facts. People dont' go to such drastic measures of thinking without being attached to someone they want more from...

[tiger_handheld]

it takes a lot of hard work to maintain the friendships after you have a relationship. both boy and girl must understand that friends were there before they ever showed up on the scene. it's pretty easy to tell which guys/girls are "friends" to get into his/her pants - those are the ones that everyone should keep an eye on.

[Lamboda]

Hey OP, I'm actually in a similar situation. I've met this girl who's just terrific. She has a personality that I've never experienced before and it's addicting. Only things that are different is that she doesn't have a boyfriend and I'm interested. Even if it doesn't work out, I want to still be her friend because she's just so magnetic. I understand how you feel. And what I would do if I was in your situation is just leave it for a couple of months and come back. I'll say that I won't want to keep someone who doesn't want to keep me.

[Glove]

I think OP cant be older than 16,

any old mature adult wouldnt have this issue

[freakshow]

So wait, you claim to be a good friend of hers, and your ultimate wish is that she breaks up with her boyfriend so she can come back to you and you can keep her in the friendzone?

A true friend would suck it up and do everything in their power to help her relationship succeed.

It's not impossible to have "best friends" of the opposite sex, but relationships are hard work, and a guy "bff" for her probably isn't helping.
When she's 35 and still your BFF, she won't be thinking, "wow, i'm so glad that i gave up on all those other potential husbands just so we can maintain this awesome platonic relationship!"

Also, just FYI, texting her constantly out of 'concern' isn't helping at all. Let her know you're there for her and back off. If they break up, she'll be back. If they don't, she'll be happy.

[Gallardo]

Hey OP,

I somewhat agree with the others. But from the way I see it, this girl obviously cares about your friendship, otherwise she wouldn't agree to study with you or reply your texts.

No offense, but in the back of my mind, I am thinking that she is slightly on the clingy-side, and unable to make outright decisions.

For example, if this girl is considerate enough, she could have let you know in person that she values your friendship with her; and that she will require you to be more understanding since she has a BF already.

I've been in similar experiences before, and to be honest... I think she considers you the "nice" guy, and her BF the "bad" guy...but weird as it seems, girls likes the bad guys. Think of it this way, she received your texts and knows that you care for her, BUT her reaction is "meh, oh that's nice"...


BUT, if you chose not to text her, she'll be thinking "hmmmm, how come OP doesn't contact me anymore?"


She'll bounce back, so rest assured.

~my 2 cents

[Gridlock]

I'm asking a legitimate question.

Is she hot?

[dinosaur]

OKAY! Here is my take...I read the OP and skimmed the others so I apologize if this is redundant.

Scenario I
You meet this chick...she is cool. You like her as a friend and ONLY a friend. Nothing wrong with that...sometimes we meet people in life of the opposite sex, and even though they are totes cool and hold all the qualities you life, you do not, will not, and could not go any further for no specific reason other than you don't care to. These people will always be friends (side-note: Grid's best friend is a chick....I love her to bits! I am not jealous and encourage his friendship with her.)

You have known said-chick for just about 1 year....and no insult to you, it has ONLY been a year. In our early to mid 20s (especially in Uni) we all meet people. Some people are "guest stars", some are "series regulars", and some are "extras". Series regulars are the friends you have had since childhood, family friends, and even family members....think Robin, Ted, Lilly, Barney, Marshall (HIMYM). The guest stars are like Kal Penn (on HIMYM)...we all love him, he fits well with the cast....its kinda like he has always been there. He adds something to the show and we could never imagine the show without him. BUT, we all know it is coming to end. It will suck, for a few episodes we will miss him...he may be references here and there, but by next season, we will have totally forgot about him. Extras are pretty self explanatory (dude you sit next to in your polisci class, share a couple laughs...move on when semester ends).

You my friend are "best friends" with a "guest star" and her role in your life is slowly coming to an end. Yes, she has the potential of staying life-long...but they all do. We would have loved to see Brad Pitt as a regular on Friends, but it just doesn't happen. You love them, they add something to your life, help you get through something, share a hilarious inside joke, etc....but her time is done.

She is distracted with her new bf (understandably) and is starting a new phase of her life. Though she really liked you are a friends, she just doesn't have the time...or necessarily the want (not offense) to jeopardize a potential love for a friend she has only had for 1 year. You would not expect Brad Pitt to quit movies for a 30-min a week episode on Friends (would have been epic...not would not happen).

My advice in this scenario is to wish her luck...remember the fun times you had....focus on your series regulars. If you run into her on campus...smile, say hi, friendly chit chat, and do that whole "we should get together for coffee sometime" bull-shit that never happens, but let her know you are cool with her. In our 20s we have several "guest stars" that we all love, but never really see again. It is apart of growing up.

Scenario II

No matter how many times you say it out loud to your friends, family, RS, and your reflection in the mirror....you have romantic feelings for her. This whole "I don't want to ruin our friendship" argument is bull-shit and proves that you have entertained the though. The best relationships (IMO) bloom out of great friendships.

If this is the case, it may explain why you are so torn up about her exiting your life. This isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. As a defense for her going out with another guy, you act all like you have an "i dont like her like that" attitude, I just wanted to be her friend. I dig it. We have all been there.

If this is, in fact, the case...the only way you can move on - with or without her, is to tell her. I'm not talking about hunting the chick down and cornering her or standing outside her window with a boom-box over your head while she wakes up in the morning (the older RSers will get that), but I mean like and email...or fb message. Stupid, I know...but you gotta get it out to move on. Explain your feelings rationally...DO NOT ask her to leave her bf for you....just lay it all out. EX: "I have been a little off lately and have been doing a lot of think. I really appreciated our friendship and I miss seeing you often....I understand you are currently in a relationship....but here are my feeling....dont need to respond, just needed to stay it....blah blah blah....I wish you luck....look me up one day....blah blah", etc, etc, etc.

You may not get a response...ever. But at least it is out there. Regardless, you need to give her a week to respond...and then try and forget about her. Should you run into her on campus...refer to Scenario I advice.

You are fairly young...there will be similar situations in your future. Good luck, and keep us updated.

Also....RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR!

[CL typeS]

[blee123]

Originally Posted by dinosaur

OKAY! Here is my take...I read the OP and skimmed the others so I apologize if this is redundant.

Scenario I
You meet this chick...she is cool. You like her as a friend and ONLY a friend. Nothing wrong with that...sometimes we meet people in life of the opposite sex, and even though they are totes cool and hold all the qualities you life, you do not, will not, and could not go any further for no specific reason other than you don't care to. These people will always be friends (side-note: Grid's best friend is a chick....I love her to bits! I am not jealous and encourage his friendship with her.)

You have known said-chick for just about 1 year....and no insult to you, it has ONLY been a year. In our early to mid 20s (especially in Uni) we all meet people. Some people are "guest stars", some are "series regulars", and some are "extras". Series regulars are the friends you have had since childhood, family friends, and even family members....think Robin, Ted, Lilly, Barney, Marshall (HIMYM). The guest stars are like Kal Penn (on HIMYM)...we all love him, he fits well with the cast....its kinda like he has always been there. He adds something to the show and we could never imagine the show without him. BUT, we all know it is coming to end. It will suck, for a few episodes we will miss him...he may be references here and there, but by next season, we will have totally forgot about him. Extras are pretty self explanatory (dude you sit next to in your polisci class, share a couple laughs...move on when semester ends).

You my friend are "best friends" with a "guest star" and her role in your life is slowly coming to an end. Yes, she has the potential of staying life-long...but they all do. We would have loved to see Brad Pitt as a regular on Friends, but it just doesn't happen. You love them, they add something to your life, help you get through something, share a hilarious inside joke, etc....but her time is done.

She is distracted with her new bf (understandably) and is starting a new phase of her life. Though she really liked you are a friends, she just doesn't have the time...or necessarily the want (not offense) to jeopardize a potential love for a friend she has only had for 1 year. You would not expect Brad Pitt to quit movies for a 30-min a week episode on Friends (would have been epic...not would not happen).

My advice in this scenario is to wish her luck...remember the fun times you had....focus on your series regulars. If you run into her on campus...smile, say hi, friendly chit chat, and do that whole "we should get together for coffee sometime" bull-shit that never happens, but let her know you are cool with her. In our 20s we have several "guest stars" that we all love, but never really see again. It is apart of growing up.

Scenario II

No matter how many times you say it out loud to your friends, family, RS, and your reflection in the mirror....you have romantic feelings for her. This whole "I don't want to ruin our friendship" argument is bull-shit and proves that you have entertained the though. The best relationships (IMO) bloom out of great friendships.

If this is the case, it may explain why you are so torn up about her exiting your life. This isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. As a defense for her going out with another guy, you act all like you have an "i dont like her like that" attitude, I just wanted to be her friend. I dig it. We have all been there.

If this is, in fact, the case...the only way you can move on - with or without her, is to tell her. I'm not talking about hunting the chick down and cornering her or standing outside her window with a boom-box over your head while she wakes up in the morning (the older RSers will get that), but I mean like and email...or fb message. Stupid, I know...but you gotta get it out to move on. Explain your feelings rationally...DO NOT ask her to leave her bf for you....just lay it all out. EX: "I have been a little off lately and have been doing a lot of think. I really appreciated our friendship and I miss seeing you often....I understand you are currently in a relationship....but here are my feeling....dont need to respond, just needed to stay it....blah blah blah....I wish you luck....look me up one day....blah blah", etc, etc, etc.

You may not get a response...ever. But at least it is out there. Regardless, you need to give her a week to respond...and then try and forget about her. Should you run into her on campus...refer to Scenario I advice.

You are fairly young...there will be similar situations in your future. Good luck, and keep us updated.

Also....RAWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRR!

haha thanks for the advice dino i have cut her from my life for 2 weeks now and i will remain to do so. I read your response and will take them into consideration.

And thanks for the RAWR !!!

[blee123]

Originally Posted by Gridlock

I'm asking a legitimate question.

Is she hot?

indeed a good question she is on the attractive side but i dunt want to be confused with her being attracted to me. She has a good personality overall and pretty girls with a good personality are hard to find these days imo.

[blee123]

Originally Posted by Gallardo

Hey OP,

I somewhat agree with the others. But from the way I see it, this girl obviously cares about your friendship, otherwise she wouldn't agree to study with you or reply your texts.

No offense, but in the back of my mind, I am thinking that she is slightly on the clingy-side, and unable to make outright decisions.

For example, if this girl is considerate enough, she could have let you know in person that she values your friendship with her; and that she will require you to be more understanding since she has a BF already.

I've been in similar experiences before, and to be honest... I think she considers you the "nice" guy, and her BF the "bad" guy...but weird as it seems, girls likes the bad guys. Think of it this way, she received your texts and knows that you care for her, BUT her reaction is "meh, oh that's nice"...


BUT, if you chose not to text her, she'll be thinking "hmmmm, how come OP doesn't contact me anymore?"


She'll bounce back, so rest assured.

~my 2 cents

yes, you are correct. She is one of those dumb girls who cannot make decisions for herself and in this situation, being controlled by her bf. I'm paranoid about her because i think she should be making her own decisions instead of being told what to do.

[parm104]

Originally Posted by blee123

indeed a good question she is on the attractive side but i dunt want to be confused with her being attracted to me. She has a good personality overall and pretty girls with a good personality are hard to find these days imo.

SEE what you did there! Nobody asked if she was attracted to you! You brought that issue up yourself and you BASICALLY implied that you don't want to give yourself false hope. Smart move, it's easier to move on that way.

Pretty girls with a good personality are hard to find...why do you need both for a friend??? Ideally you'd want that from a PARTNER...

You are in denial!!

[blee123]

Originally Posted by parm104

SEE what you did there! Nobody asked if she was attracted to you! You brought that issue up yourself and you BASICALLY implied that you don't want to give yourself false hope. Smart move, it's easier to move on that way.

Pretty girls with a good personality are hard to find...why do you need both for a friend??? Ideally you'd want that from a PARTNER...

You are in denial!!

no no, if i just say she was attractive, readers here would mistake me again so i thought i would clear myself up. What i meant was that she is attractive (in other guy's point of view) but i don't see us dating in the future. I was answering gridlock's question on the girl if she was hot or not.

I know other non attractive ppl that i am good friends with but i was thinking having an attractive person as a close friend could be of no harm and thats why i wanted to keep this friendship if i could.