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doritos · 05-08-2012, 02:39 AM

how much time and space? my heart is aching inside. I am not allowed to contact the ex, only she does when she feels to do so. Is that unfair? what could I possibly do or say ? is this a fixable solution? nothing went bad with the seperation. This is the woman I would like to be married to, this is the first woman I ever chose to want to fix the relationship with because she is that special.

sekin67835 · 05-08-2012, 03:00 AM

Wait, why is she the only one who's allowed to call? Was she the one that broke up with you? Ask yourself what went wrong, and then how can you show her that you or the situation has changed. Do you think she still has feelings for you? Because if she doesn't, I believe your chances of reconciling are slim.

Back to your question- time to talk to her to fix your relationship or just as "friends"?

haymura · 05-08-2012, 06:13 AM

It is hard to give a more accurate advice due to an incomplete story. What exactly happened? from what ive gathered it seems like she needed her space. If that is the case maybe she felt choked in the relationship. Were you clingy?
Once again, hard to give advice on an incomplete story.

FerrariEnzo · 05-08-2012, 06:59 AM

i dont understand why she is the only one to call you..

lol sounds like shes found someone already buddy...

go hang out with friends and do shit.. get your mind off her... as long as your still thinking about her... dont get into another relationship.. there is no correct time frame... some people take longer then others (usually girls) and depends on how deep and how your previous was... just go do your own thing.. you have freedom before you get tied up again..

My advice,
Dont ever get so deep into a relationship if both party isnt at the same level.. I have friends that been dating the same person for 6-10 years before then broke it off, some were devastated and some brushed it off like its nothing
BOTH people needs to be on the same page before you can take the next step in a relationship otherwise its not going to end well...

Presto · 05-08-2012, 07:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by haymura

It is hard to give a more accurate advice due to an incomplete story. What exactly happened? from what ive gathered it seems like she needed her space. If that is the case maybe she felt choked in the relationship. Were you clingy?
Once again, hard to give advice on an incomplete story.

There's a nice progression to this situation, if you go through OP's old posts:

March 28, 2012:

Quote:

Originally Posted by doritos

Hello all, I am in a situation. Recently broke up with my gf a few weeks ago but i still sleep over. There is no sex involved, no kissing, no hugging. I believe we are back to normal but how do i get past that phase? it seems as though she is not interested anymore but I am deeply in love I don't mind. The gf is acting normal again, pinches me touches my face and hands or applies lotions or whatever it may be. If i go in to hug her or kiss she will say NO. We still massage each other, I can feel goosebumps on her when I give her massages but I am in a position that I am afraid to go further not like before..If she is letting me touch her and massage her, whats that mean?.

There are no third parties between us. Just need to know what is going through a woman's head at this point. She was dealing with her issues before and telling me, with a bf around she is feeling enclosed and cannot be independent. That was the reason we broke it off. I am willing to try anything. I desperately need help! thanks

Clarification:

Quote:

Originally Posted by doritos

sorry misinformed, i never broke up with he, SHE did. And its not fair for me? I am the one getting mixed signals from her...

And then attempt to get some post-breakup nookie:

Quote:

Originally Posted by doritos

what is the nicest way to ask ur ex for sex!?
who has experienced this and how or what did you say?

OP is a Stage 5 Clinger.

Ri2 · 05-08-2012, 08:43 AM

i'm going off on Presto's post that this is the same girl OP has been posting about from the beginning of time.

how much time and space? forever, because she doesn't want to be with you anymore.
is it unfair you're not allowed to call her? no. you shouldn't be calling her and she shouldn't be calling you in the first place.
is there anything you can possibly do or say? no. you've done enough. really.
is this a fixable solution? if this is the same chick who isn't interested in you, no. you can't change her mind and you shouldn't have to force someone to want to be with you.

you're broken up. if you guys want to be friends, then you should be taking some time apart and doing your own thing before attempting friendship. seeing as how your love is unrequited, you really should be focusing your energy on moving forward instead of thinking of ways to have sex with her or get back together. do your own thing. work on yourself. get a hobby. maybe invest in raising your self esteem and confidence level.

there's a fine line between wanting to try your best at fixing the relationship and having stalker like tendencies... you're on the fence right now. you don't want to end up in the stalker yard. that's how you get restraining orders.

haymura · 05-08-2012, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Presto

OP is a Stage 5 Clinger.

^
THAT!

sorry to burst your bubble OP but you need to move on and face the facts. If this girl really wanted you back she would have done so already. As far as sleeping over, touching, massaging, etc. its just a withdrawal that she goes through because she's slowly learning to let go. With any successful withdrawals, they learn to let go.

dinosaur · 05-08-2012, 09:18 AM

stage 5 clinger and still pussy-whipped. is there a word that describes being pussy-whipped by an ex? oh, right....lil bitch.

bravo, dude.

miss_crayon · 05-08-2012, 12:01 PM

Don't be that ex that can't freaking let go. It's over, it's done. Don't live your life with "her" holding you back because she clearly didn't think twice about you.

Sorry if that sounds mean but it's better to face reality than live a life of false hope.

NLY · 05-08-2012, 12:06 PM

Sometimes you gotta live mas

JesseBlue · 05-08-2012, 03:27 PM

give it enough time that it doesn't hurt anymore

easier said than done...

Gridlock · 05-08-2012, 07:02 PM

How much time?

Eternity. She dumped you. That usually indicates that she no longer wishes to be with you. Otherwise, she would have asked you to get married.

Move the fuck on.

smarv · 05-08-2012, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by doritos

This is the woman I would like to be married to, this is the first woman I ever chose to want to fix the relationship with because she is that special.

Try telling her how you feel and if she doesn't care or doesn't feel the same way then its time to move on. A relationship is like a fart if you force it out, its most likely going to come out as shit.

doritos · 05-09-2012, 01:35 AM

well thanks for all the replies, i know i gotta move on some how and eventually but whats giving me a hard time is that i don't have the exact answers. She wanna stay friends, be the one to speak to me when she is interested to do something otherwise she wants to be alone. what can i ask to let her to get a settling answer because it is very difficult being friends right now when i still am in denial about the break up and whenever we are together i act the same. sometimes it seems as if she is trying to tease me but giving me false hope. I know there might not be anything to ask for a second try but i value this and if there is a way of explaining to her without her yelling at me for no reason to go away.

Presto · 05-09-2012, 07:17 AM

^^

Forget about being friends. Just forget about it. There is no chance in reconciliation. None. "Your girl" is teasing you because you're asking for it, and she doesn't like you. You already have your answer, and you are just a nuisance to her. Her thoughts of you are as far as the east is from the west. What part of "go away" do you not understand?

toyobaru · 05-09-2012, 07:21 AM

Sounds like you want closure because shes giving you all these mixed messages and its fucking you in the head thinking theres hope. Maybe all you need to hear from her is the truth shes probably seeing someone else or is interested in. Maybe then itll shut you out of thinking about her.

freakshow · 05-09-2012, 07:50 AM

you need a complete cut off from her. tell her you're sorry it didn't work out, and cut off ALL COMMUNICATION. NOW.

If you don't, and you probably won't, when she gets a new boyfriend, you'll level up to a lvl 6 clinger and have no control over your two new abilities: insanity, and scare-people-away

jameswift · 05-09-2012, 08:05 AM

Breakups. Has to be one of the hardest things for a person to deal with. I can probably deal with just about anything better.

So what to do? Here is what I've always done and this is by no means a manual as for a 'how to' but it's just one persons process that works for me.

#1. I get sad and upset. Face it, especially if you're the one getting dumped, it sucks. Accept that it sucks. You'll hope you can get back together all the time, you'll want to see them and text and email and all that. It's hard to do and sometimes you slip and break. You send an email or a text. It's normal. Allow yourself time to really hit the floor. Feel like shit and beat yourself up for a little bit. I find I grow a lot during this phase. Sometimes I've even dropped off flowers or made an effort to really get in touch with them. Yes, it's probably bad but whatever. I do it anyway. I act out of my pain and maybe even desperation. My thinking is that if I fight to stay together for a while, if it falls apart, then I can look back knowing I put my heart into showing how I felt. If they can't appreciate it, that's cool. I'm also aware that these acts of kindness often push women away. Whatever. I think deep down I do it because I'm selfish and I just need to do it to give myself some kind of closure.

#2. Having good friends is really important on this one. Start to shift the focus into making yourself better. Hitting the gym is a MUST. Get a workout buddy and go to the gym. YES, you're still going to feel like shit, other hot girls probably won't even make you look twice, but you have to force the workout and social time. The chemicals your body releases during a work out, along with the improved fitness and appearance goes a LONG way to making you feel better. It helps chemically with coping and also helps you with your self confidence even though YES, you're still going to feel horrible.

#3. Step #2 doesn't stop, you keep doing it. Step #1 should now change a bit. You can still feel shitty. You can miss them when you go to bed because you don't see that cute text message saying 'g-nite' anymore. Do what you need to in order to move on. For me, it was putting on a TV show on the computer and going to sleep with the sound of something in the background. Silence would allow my mind to wander so this helped. I think mornings are the worst. They were for me. I always felt like shit.

My alarm clock is my computer connected to 9 speakers and a sub. I have my alarm blast upbeat music that I like and it helps me get my day started well. I swear a lot too when I wake up. I think that's just a personality thing but whatever, it helps me.

#4. At some point during this (by the way this is all in month #1 and #2 no matter how long the relationship) I have made a strong effort to remove anything that has any connection to the ex. All pictures have to go. Either in the garbage or put somewhere in a box somewhere in the attic (or storage). Stuffed animals, facebook, saved names in gmail, phone, her close friends that remind you of her etc. It's all gotta go.

Out of sight, out of mind. The sooner you can do this the better. For me, it is NOT easy to do and I get rid of it all probably in the 1.5 month region. Others do it right away. I can't because I tend to still hold onto the fact that they may come back or I can work it out.

#5 By month 2, you may still feel really really bad. Hell, you may still feel bad by month 5 or 6. What you have to do once you've shut out all the pictures and 'stuff' is meet new people. This doesn't mean dating but make sure you meet new people somehow. Guys and girls, friends. Get involved. The more active and busy you are the better it is for you in every way. A wider social circle opens potential relationship, friendship, work and activities.

#6 During all of this there will be slip ups. You may text or email or even phone your ex. They may try doing the same. I find when they text me it's the WORST. It's like you panic and lose your mind. I don't respond. If it's a text or an email I might but I NEVER take a call. Someone's voice will just crush you.

I make an assumption that they're never coming back as soon as I possibly can. Yes I want them to return, but I don't get my hopes up. I assume the worst and try and protect myself.

#7 If you keep doing all these things eventually you will snap out of it but it can take a long time. I'm not one to suggest sleeping around right after although I know for some people that works. For me, it's never worked. I end up either getting hurt or thinking about my ex even more. Biggest reason guys do it is because they want some validation they're still 'worthy' or useful. I hate hurting others and I ended up one time getting involved with a super sweet and awesome girl that was a harsh rebound for me. She was so into me and it was awesome until I broke it off. This chick didn't see it coming and she was heartbroken. Essentially, I had used her to get over my emotional pain which was not cool at all. She didn't deserve that at all, she was such a great person.

Time heals but what you do with that time is what really counts. On average once I'm in love with a person, it doesn't matter if the relationship was 6 months or 6 years, I have a 4-6 month recovery period before I'm better.

Another thing to remember is sometimes you never really get over something in your life. There are some things you will never forget, that's okay. Each one of my exes have captured some part of me and it's partly who I am today because of it. I smile and remember and continue on.

ChaSuiBow · 05-09-2012, 01:45 PM

This may be blunt, but trust me you'll get over her. For me when me and my ex broke up it took me a whole 3 months of just being depressed before I was able to let go. Some people take longer some people take shorter. It just takes time and right now you're probably thinking that you just want her back and nothing else in the world matters as much but that's just the upset not thinking straight you =/. Go out with some friends, it'll be hard to let go so just keep your time occupied with friends and family. Trust me you'll get over it.

doritos · 05-10-2012, 12:21 AM

thanks to the ppl with the helpful answers. To the ppl saying shes probably seeing someone else, no, she is not the type that goes around flirting with other men. We have always been together almost 24/7. She is very blatant and honest, if she did like someone she would tell me. I won't have to get into explaining that since i know her best. It is other issues that drove us apart. I admit I only became somewhat clingy after breaking up because it seems, we don't know what we have until its gone. Shes always been the perfect GF. Update, we spoke, we expressed our true feelings and we are working it out again. Fighting for what you love does work for some, giving up is only when you know you fought all you could.

younglude · 05-10-2012, 12:29 AM

So then what is going to happen next time?

did you miss the part in your own post where she said you can't talk to her? now she wants to work on things?

sounds like she couldn't find something else and doesn't want to be alone

Powerslide · 05-10-2012, 07:44 PM

Jameswift that's a great post

OP give it a read. Also, Younglude is probably right. Good luck!

Gridlock · 05-11-2012, 08:08 AM

I'm not feeling this, but good luck little dude.

doritos · 05-12-2012, 01:23 AM

awesome read, thanks for all the info. She did want to be totally alone and I understand that but sometimes people with an illness do not actually know what they want so you have to try your best to help them. That is what I've been doing for the past few months with her, this is not for my own benefit. I've been through too much with her and let me tell you, not being intimate for months is difficult but it is not something that is needed right now. What needs to be done is for her health to be better and for her to sometimes accept help which she is starting to understand. We have set a few boundaries and compromising. I've accepted to contact her only a limited amount of times per week or let her choose to do that on her own when she feels like it. The isolation is due to her depression which I know you guys who have been through it or know a friend thats been through it. We are trying again and hopefully it turns out great. If it does not, its okay because she will be happy at the end knowing what she actually wants and I can move on if it happens again.

Gridlock · 05-12-2012, 09:02 AM

There is such a thing for not cutting and running when she's dealing with depression. Myself in that situation, I'd have to be asking myself the following questions:

1. Is she getting help?

That's a big one. You can't fix this. Love ain't gonna do it. I'm not saying she needs to be drugged, which is a whole other thread, but a professional guiding her through on how to deal with things. Ultimately, she may need drugs to deal with imbalances that are causing the depression.

2. Is she pushing you away during 'down' times and taking you back during 'up' times?

I believe in death to you part. So this advice isn't purely for people in relationships as opposed to marriage, but one thing you can't do is be along for the ride. If your life consists of you loving her, and her sometimes being there, and sometimes taking your head off, man, that isn't fair for you. And that's not a life for you.

I think it sucks, but I think there is a place for being there, and being supportive, but at some point saying "we can't do this 'together' in a relationship".

You're young...do you want to wake up in 5 years and legitimately ask yourself, "what happened to the last 5 years?"

I guess I'm saying that its cool to be there out of love, but make sure that effort is being reciprocated in some way. She may not always be able to be there for you, but MY concern is you are constantly going to be that guy chasing her.

Or held back by her.