REVscene - Vancouver Automotive Forum


Welcome to the REVscene Automotive Forum forums.

Registration is Free!You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today! The banners on the left side and below do not show for registered users!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us.


Go Back   REVscene Automotive Forum > Automotive Chat > Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events

Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 12-18-2013, 08:04 AM   #26
I contribute to threads in the offtopic forum
 
jasonturbo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: North Van
Posts: 2,733
Thanked 6,667 Times in 1,188 Posts
Being totally honest here, this article falls short for me from both a technical writing perspective, and for content.

Your "writing style" is fragmented, no fluidity, you need to use transitions whenever possible, this is what makes it easy to read/digest.

Content... the first thing that got me was the overly poetic nature of the intro, an intro that doesn't seem to relate to the body at all. The three "tips" are not well associated, they are very much just random ideas.

"Love in Vancouver, A Holiday Minefield", what does this title really have to do with office hookups, break up gifts, and lumberjack cuddles?

Just seems to me that you are trying to hard, you need to relax your writing a little bit.

Not trying to offend, feedback is a valuable tool, if anything you should thank me for writing this by providing me with free porn, thx.
Advertisement
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasonturbo
Follow me on Instagram @jasonturtle if you want to feel better about your life
jasonturbo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 09:33 AM   #27
RS.net, where our google ads make absolutely no sense!
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Richmond
Posts: 916
Thanked 691 Times in 226 Posts
It's a bit too choppy imo.

Here's the tip to make it flow better without doing much: drop the serial comma.
Geoc is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 09:49 AM   #28
Old School RS
 
lowside67's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Port Moody
Posts: 4,124
Thanked 3,103 Times in 942 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by jasonturbo View Post
Just seems to me that you are trying to hard, you need to relax your writing a little bit.
This is also the first thing that came to my mind when I read the article. You don't need 8 adjectives in every sentence to paint a picture, in fact sometimes less is more as you let people create their own scene. It sort of reads like a high school paper where you had a minimum word count and had to come up with ways to say one sentence in four, ad nauseum. It's an interesting and fun concept but you need to take a little time to self-edit.

Mark
__________________
2011 BMW 128I
lowside67 is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 09:51 AM   #29
Banned By Establishment
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Home
Posts: 103
Thanked 80 Times in 31 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by multicartual View Post
It was well-received by a lot of women and a test audience
Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".
MasonJar is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 09:59 AM   #30
#savethemanuals
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Richmond
Posts: 3,755
Thanked 2,232 Times in 860 Posts
__________________
987 Porsche Cayman S 6MT


Gone:
E92 BMW 335i
AP1 Honda S2000
FA1 Honda Civic
Energy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 10:18 AM   #31
Survivor MOD
 
T4RAWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Richmond
Posts: 2,031
Thanked 1,504 Times in 525 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by MasonJar View Post
Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".
T4RAWR is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 10:24 AM   #32
Banned (ABWS)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,452
Thanked 2,665 Times in 960 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by MasonJar View Post
Asking the naked chick that is still laying in your crusty bed sheets and a couple of your buddies to read your article before you e-mail it to the editor is not a "test audience".

Can't let the sheets get like that, I sleep on black satin, after a week it starts to look like a dark car parked under a tree full of well-fed birds
multicartual is offline   Reply With Quote
This post FAILED by:
Old 12-18-2013, 10:37 AM   #33
Official Texas Ambassador
 
El Bastardo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 10,135
Thanked 5,356 Times in 1,206 Posts
Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!
__________________
Follow Revscene on Twitter
Join Revscene on Facebook


[14-01, 13:15] GLOW older the chicken, sweeter the stirfry
El Bastardo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 10:39 AM   #34
Banned By Establishment
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Home
Posts: 103
Thanked 80 Times in 31 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by multicartual View Post
Can't let the sheets get like that, I sleep on black satin, after a week it starts to look like a dark car parked under a tree full of well-fed birds
And, no doubt, crawlin' with crabs and regret
MasonJar is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 10:49 AM   #35
#savethemanuals
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Richmond
Posts: 3,755
Thanked 2,232 Times in 860 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by MasonJar View Post
And, no doubt, crawlin' with crabs and regret
I like you. Nohomo.
__________________
987 Porsche Cayman S 6MT


Gone:
E92 BMW 335i
AP1 Honda S2000
FA1 Honda Civic
Energy is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 10:51 AM   #36
Survivor MOD
 
T4RAWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Richmond
Posts: 2,031
Thanked 1,504 Times in 525 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bastardo View Post
Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!
T4RAWR is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 10:53 AM   #37
Banned (ABWS)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,452
Thanked 2,665 Times in 960 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bastardo View Post
Focus on one thing and do it well. If you do not do it well, do not continue to do it unless you are committed to improving your craft by learning from masters of said craft.

Not everyone is Hemingway. You can't apply pen to paper and expect brilliance. If you had a natural gift for wordcraft, we would not be telling you that your writing needs improvement.

Do you think Caravaggio just one day picked up a brush and painted the Conversion of Saint Paul? No. He trained for years.
Do you think ee cummings won the Guggenheim Fellowship twice because he had a good PR team promoting him? No. He wrote every day for 14 years and went to Harvard to refine his craft.

Your artificial playboy lifestyle wore thin here when your stories got old and you used this community to promote your "magnum opus". Now you're back and have socially engineered your way into writing for a blog with a limited audience and hope that this will impress us.

Please, please, please take our advice and work on your writing. Take some classes. That is the most constructive I've seen this board be in critiquing your work so you should take it and run with it.

If fame is your only aspiration, I suggest softening those lips of yours and releasing a video of you fellating Ray J as Kim Kardashian did. That is the only way a talentless person who isn't willing to put in the work to improve will become "famous".


Good luck!


Earning renown is not always based on talent or skill, in fact, one could argue it's simply well-targeted marketing!

I don't aspire to be a great writer, in fact I would say I'm more of a creative-type rather than a writer per se. Writing is just the most affordable form of self-expression.

Besides, Revscene follows me on Twitter, so you have to like what I've been posting there.
multicartual is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:07 AM   #38
Official Texas Ambassador
 
El Bastardo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 10,135
Thanked 5,356 Times in 1,206 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by multicartual View Post
Besides, Revscene follows me on Twitter, so you have to like what I've been posting there.
Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake
__________________
Follow Revscene on Twitter
Join Revscene on Facebook


[14-01, 13:15] GLOW older the chicken, sweeter the stirfry
El Bastardo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:16 AM   #39
Survivor MOD
 
T4RAWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Richmond
Posts: 2,031
Thanked 1,504 Times in 525 Posts
T4RAWR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:20 AM   #40
Banned (ABWS)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,452
Thanked 2,665 Times in 960 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bastardo View Post
Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake
Lies, you follow my every move with bated breath.
multicartual is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:27 AM   #41
I contribute to threads in the offtopic forum
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: not vancouver
Posts: 2,647
Thanked 1,938 Times in 765 Posts
as you have put this piece up to be assessed, my assessment is i read half of it and didn't want to keep on reading through a combination of a dry subject matter and awkward writing style.

i assume this isn't a source of income.
4444 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:30 AM   #42
WOAH...shut the music off...
 
GLOW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 7,796
Thanked 4,706 Times in 1,888 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bastardo View Post
Ooh. This is awkward...

I.. I make sure that account follows all Revscene members...

....so don't take a Twitter follow as an endorsement that you are a beautiful and unique snowflake
Quote:
Originally Posted by T4RAWR View Post
__________________
Feedback
http://www.revscene.net/forums/showthread.php?t=611711

Quote:
Greenstoner
1 rat shit ruins the whole congee
Quote:
[04-06, 11:34]radiomanI'm doing happy hour with bj#3 today
[07-04, 10:27]radiomani need just the tip
[22-12, 08:51]mellomandidnt think and went in straight..scrapped like a bitch
[17-09, 12:07]FastAnna glowjob
[17-09, 12:08]FastAnna I like dat

GLOW is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 11:32 AM   #43
Official Texas Ambassador
 
El Bastardo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 10,135
Thanked 5,356 Times in 1,206 Posts
I'm not saying that a follow from @Revscene is the equivalent of a participation ribbon during Sports Day at school, I'm just saying that @Revscene is more of an announcement tool.

We want you to well, Jason. We want you to succeed. We're trying to help here. Although our words are packaged with pithy, cutting remarks, we wouldn't waste our bandwidth if we didn't want to see a local boy do good and write something we can all pop our corks to.
__________________
Follow Revscene on Twitter
Join Revscene on Facebook


[14-01, 13:15] GLOW older the chicken, sweeter the stirfry
El Bastardo is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 11:41 AM   #44
Banned By Establishment
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Home
Posts: 103
Thanked 80 Times in 31 Posts
Ya know, at the very least I'd like to give Jason props for putting some life into RS right now. This forum has been pretty fucking stale as of late and this thread has certainly piqued some interest.

Last edited by MasonJar; 12-18-2013 at 12:05 PM. Reason: EB is god.
MasonJar is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 11:57 AM   #45
Official Texas Ambassador
 
El Bastardo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 10,135
Thanked 5,356 Times in 1,206 Posts
*piqued

Since this thread is about criticizing grammar, you are not immune.
__________________
Follow Revscene on Twitter
Join Revscene on Facebook


[14-01, 13:15] GLOW older the chicken, sweeter the stirfry
El Bastardo is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 12:35 PM   #46
RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
 
Gumby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 9,261
Thanked 2,318 Times in 872 Posts
A few of you have provided jason with actual, useful, constructive criticism, but he doesn't seem to take it very well. Instead, he responds with "well, my buddies liked it!".
__________________
Do Not Put Aftershave on Your Balls. -604CEFIRO
Looks like I'm gonna have some hot sex again tonight...OOPS i got the 6 pack. that wont last me the night, I better go back and get the 24 pack! -Turbo E
kinda off topic but obama is a dilf - miss_crayon
Honest to fucking Christ the easiest way to get a married woman in the mood is clean the house and do the laundry.....I've been with the same girl almost 17 years, ask me how I know. - quasi
Gumby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 12:50 PM   #47
WOAH...shut the music off...
 
GLOW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 7,796
Thanked 4,706 Times in 1,888 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by El Bastardo View Post
we can all pop our corks to.
i completely misread that the first time
__________________
Feedback
http://www.revscene.net/forums/showthread.php?t=611711

Quote:
Greenstoner
1 rat shit ruins the whole congee
Quote:
[04-06, 11:34]radiomanI'm doing happy hour with bj#3 today
[07-04, 10:27]radiomani need just the tip
[22-12, 08:51]mellomandidnt think and went in straight..scrapped like a bitch
[17-09, 12:07]FastAnna glowjob
[17-09, 12:08]FastAnna I like dat

GLOW is offline   Reply With Quote
This post thanked by:
Old 12-18-2013, 12:51 PM   #48
RS.net PIMP
 
7seven's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Vancouver/LA
Posts: 4,903
Thanked 3,067 Times in 828 Posts
I'm not sure if Jason is really looking for constructive criticism or actual reviews. Seems more of a method to spam/market/get page clicks for his work. Same as his previous tactics
__________________

13 Range Rover SC
11 Yukon Hybrid
13 Accord V6 Coupe
7seven is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 12:58 PM   #49
RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
 
Great68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Victoria
Posts: 8,508
Thanked 2,597 Times in 849 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by 7seven View Post
I'm not sure if Jason is really looking for constructive criticism or actual reviews. Seems more of a method to spam/market/get page clicks for his work. Same as his previous tactics
He definately has a talent for playing RS members.
__________________
1968 Mustang Coupe
2008.5 Mazdaspeed 3
1997 GMC Sonoma ZR2

A vehicle for all occasions
Great68 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2013, 01:00 PM   #50
Banned (ABWS)
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Vancouver
Posts: 2,452
Thanked 2,665 Times in 960 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gumby View Post
A few of you have provided jason with actual, useful, constructive criticism, but he doesn't seem to take it very well. Instead, he responds with "well, my buddies liked it!".
As long as I say interesting shit to the right audience, it doesn't have to be well-written, just the content of the message needs to resonate with the reader. For every different type of reader that exists, there is also another different style of writing.

To describe my own, I try taking a surreal metamodernist approach to unraveling what makes modern life so completely baffling and interesting at the same time. Life can be said to be a test of your own limits, how and why we create arbitrary limits for ourselves is what I enjoy researching.

We aren't in a time where people can go off and climb uncharted mountaintops for national glory like in the movie "The North Face", nor is there any just war you can sign up with the merchant marines and go fight in. Google Earth will tell you what is in every direction from your house, and pretty much uncovers all corners of the earth. So much of the adventure and new exploration of life is gone, at least in a physical sense. Caving has been growing as a sport, unexplored underground tunnels being one of the last places unexplored by humans. What's left?

Social exploration. The discovery of new ways to live, new ways to earn an income, new crypto-currencies to invest in, and new ways to date and love, these are some of the things I like to daydream about. Hopefully some of the things I think about will be appealing in some sort of creative form and eventually earn me an income doing what I love, which is daydreaming, and passing on my crazy bullshit.

If I ever hit the big time I will drive around with RS members in my gold Ferrari doing key bumps in the Wendy's drive-thru
multicartual is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:09 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
SEO by vBSEO ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.
Revscene.net cannot be held accountable for the actions of its members nor does the opinions of the members represent that of Revscene.net