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Old 12-17-2013, 04:42 PM   #1
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Whatcha guys think of my first article

Sup Revscene

Been trying to make it as a writer so I can afford 87 octane and a fart tip for my jbody Cavalier while I make up stories about driving an E36 BMW with a V8, so I'd kind of appreciate some feedback on my first artical, thx guys so amaze!

Maybe some of this will help you guys through the holiday season!

Just the tips. | The Gastown Gazette
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:49 PM   #2
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Sup Revscene

Been trying to make it as a writer so I can afford 87 octane and a fart tip for my jbody Cavalier while I make up stories about driving an E36 BMW with a V8, so I'd kind of appreciate some feedback on my first artical, thx guys so amaze!

Maybe some of this will help you guys through the holiday season!

Just the tips. | The Gastown Gazette
Lol Jason02S2000
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:53 PM   #3
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Quick look online and that name matches with his horrible novel

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Old 12-17-2013, 04:55 PM   #4
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That article makes no sense, it's in the "gastown gazette" and talks about "workplace hookups"...

...everybody knows those hipsters that live in gastown don't have jobs, I'm not even sure if they can read.
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Old 12-17-2013, 06:40 PM   #5
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First, congrats on having an article in circulation.

The Gastown Gazette isn't The New York Times, but it's a positive step.

Second, I see a blurred writing style in the article.

The article isn't poetry, it isn't prose, and it isn't academic; it's conversational advice.

The article is aspiring to the things it isn't, though.

Take a step outside yourself and evaluate your writing process.

I suspect in writing you try to sound intelligent and confident, and you're having trouble finding the right words to achieve this effect.

Picture yourself in conversation with a hot blonde. It's not necessary to search for the right words, but you sound intelligent and confident nonetheless.

Therefore, to write conversational advice simply put conversation into sentence structure. To write this way create a conversation outline and then have the conversation into a voice recorder, and then listen to the recording and put what you've said into sentence structure. Done.

Hope this helps.

Last edited by MindBomber; 12-17-2013 at 09:06 PM.
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:19 PM   #6
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Lol Jason02S2000

Jason00S2000!
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:19 PM   #7
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Quick look online and that name matches with his horrible novel


Why is it horrible?
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:32 PM   #8
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The lack of fluidity hurts my brain.

I fear you are trying to embody Margaret Atwood's heavily descriptive prose and it ain't workin'.

Congrats on the article nonetheless.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:28 PM   #9
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If you're writing the type of article you are and you have a semi-colon in it, you're doing something wrong.

You also use commas where you really don't need to which explains a bit of the lack of fluidity. Take that sentence as an example. What if I write is as "You also use commas where you really don't need to, which explains a bit of the lack of fluidity."

Your analogies and imagery feel like inside jokes that are probably meaningful to you but not to everyone else.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:36 PM   #10
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I assume you're not "classically trained" in writing so you won't know things like the Rule of Three, something I use quite often. You try in the first sentence where you describe usual holiday seasons but it feels like it ends abruptly. That's because the first two are phrases. If you're going to put that many words in the first two, if you don't in the third, it better at least be funny. If you added "of Grey", then that sounds a little better too.

Some of your sentence structure is awful, like this: "This one really sucks when you give an expensive gift, only to receive tubular textiles in return." should be "It really sucks when you give an expensive gift only to receive tubular textiles in return." And alliteration is elementary school shit...keep it to a minimum.

I won't go through your whole piece but it sounds awkward and the three things you list don't have enough connection to each other for the article to sounds cohesive.

No offense. I never majored in English or whatever either but similar to you, I write for Vancity Buzz: Ed Lau, Author at Vancity Buzz | Vancouver Events, News, Food, Lifestyle and More. Just my opinion but if you're asking for the purposes of self-improvement, then there are things you need to work on.
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Old 12-17-2013, 09:38 PM   #11
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Congrats on your first article!!!
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:16 AM   #12
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cool story bro
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:18 AM   #13
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Wow
So critic
Much critical
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:46 AM   #14
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Asks people what they think of his article, posts passive aggressive meme response when people tell him they think it could use some work.
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Old 12-18-2013, 03:55 AM   #15
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Asks people what they think of his article, posts passive aggressive meme response when people tell him they think it could use some work.

Well, the girls I know liked it!
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Old 12-18-2013, 04:02 AM   #16
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Well, the girls I know liked it!
Well all the girls he knew liked it too.

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Old 12-18-2013, 04:14 AM   #17
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It was awkwardly written =(
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Old 12-18-2013, 04:53 AM   #18
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So was 50 Shades of Grey, but people ate that shit up!
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Old 12-18-2013, 05:40 AM   #19
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:17 AM   #20
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The article is pretty poorly written. The premise of the article is relatively convoluted, what is the point of your article? The voice is very very weak and I'm going to assume you're trying to be quirky with your intro. It's pretty weird and awkwardly written. You sound like a high school wannabe journalist that uses big words and phrases to mask his lack of creativity.

Maybe you should quit writing about things that require talent and write a book about how uninteresting and pedantic anyone living outside Yaletown and Gastown is. That seems to be your area of expertise.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:27 AM   #21
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The article is pretty poorly written. The premise of the article is relatively convoluted, what is the point of your article? The voice is very very weak and I'm going to assume you're trying to be quirky with your intro. It's pretty weird and awkwardly written. You sound like a high school wannabe journalist that uses big words and phrases to mask his lack of creativity.

Maybe you should quit writing about things that require talent and write a book about how uninteresting and pedantic anyone living outside Yaletown and Gastown is. That seems to be your area of expertise.

Hey thanks for the words of encouragement, I appreciate it! The road to getting any credibility as a writer/musician/artist these days is extremely difficult. Fame is everything, and until you have fame everyone will criticize the shit out of you and call you every name in the book!

Once you're famous you can do a Reddit AMA and then everyone sucks up to you and literally lines up to suck your dick and tell you how amazing you are.



Truth is, I'm 2 legit 2 quit. As long as the porn money keeps rolling in to support me, I'll work on my creative passions!
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:32 AM   #22
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If you’re actually asking for constructive criticism, read Ronins post, he is correct in everything he points out.

Honestly not sure if your trolling or not, but I am pretty astounded anyone published that.

Edit: From the above post, I assume your trolling and your not actually the Jasons2000 guy with a new RS name. Seriously, that writing is terrible.

Last edited by 91civicZC; 12-18-2013 at 07:38 AM.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:37 AM   #23
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If you’re actually asking for constructive criticism, read Ronins post, he is correct in everything he points out.

Honestly not sure if your trolling or not, but I am pretty astounded anyone published that.

It was well-received by a lot of women and a test audience, I thought maybe some of you Revsceners would appreciate the modern take on the holidays and romance! December is a really passionate month and I've been putting my pink Santa into a bunch of tight chimneys!

Office hookups are very, very common these days.

Christmas breakups are huge!!! So many guys get fucked over by spending a ton on their girlfriends, just to get dumped just after they give their girlfriends the gift, haha!

Surprise your girlfriend with a lumberjack cuddle tonight!
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:46 AM   #24
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Fame is everything, and until you have fame everyone will criticize the shit out of you and call you every name in the book!

I'm sorry something happened to you in your life to make you so insecure that you really believe this.
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Old 12-18-2013, 07:51 AM   #25
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I'm sorry something happened to you in your life to make you so insecure that you really believe this.

Can you explain how an artist can survive and make money on their art without a fan base?


Also, there are a shit fuck ton of perks to being well-known!
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