parents

[stewie]

anyone here in a relationship where your gf/bf/husband or wife doesn't like your parents?

if so, does it bother you at all?

if your parents wanted to have a random dinner on a random sunday and your spouse said "you can go im staying home" im sure you'd be slightly offended, and your parents probably would as well.

i know the saying "you dont marry the person, you marry the family" and for me, a large part of my family is italian which means lots of family dinners, close with all my cousins, we do favors for each other etc etc.

anyways, my gf isn't a fan of my parents. she grew up since a baby with just her mom and sister (only a year older than her). every family argues and fights. example - my parents, been married long enough to the point where they can yell at each other calling saying the dirties words possible to each other, and then be back to normal an hour later. my mom was a "house wife" while growing up. dad went to work, mom stayed home with me and my brother, cleaning hte house, cooking, taking care of the yard etc. so when my gf comes over and sees my dad say things like "whens dinner going to be ready", she gets offended. now, my family aint perfect, but just about every friends parents i know are the same type. they argue, bitch, complain. gf was never exposed to that growing up so shes not used to it and gets easily offended.

how would you guys handle or attempt to get her into realizing that its not that uncommon? as is, she hates coming to my house (i have epilepsy, its not easy for me to do shit on my own), she wont come for dinners anymore, if a aunt or uncle wants to host a dinner, she refuses to come so i go alone and get the whole "where is she??" from everyone.

anyone go through this? we've been together for a few years now so just dropping her isnt exactly my ideal option lol

[ScizzMoney]

I know exactly what you mean though with how your family interacts as mine is very similar and it can throw people off that didn't grow up like we did.

Are there any other situations where you can bring them all together other than dinners? I had a girlfriend that wasn't a fan of anyone in my family at first except for one of my brothers. The only way she was able to get to know and like them all was when I would do stuff with my family members apart from the rest. I would take my nieces and nephews skating or skiing and bring her along and the grown ups would just hang out. I found doing that got her closer with everyone and by doing that the bigger gatherings were better because she'd be able to mingle better hold meaningful conversations.

She's probably always going to be offended by comments that your dad says. Not much you can really do about that but hope she gets used to it because your dad isn't going to change, lol. Again, my father is very much the same way and if you find a way for her to get over those comments let me know.

[smoothie.]

a few years and it's just starting to show up now? or it's finally bothering you enough to wonder if its a deal breaker for yourself?

my gf doesnt have to love my family, but going to dinners when I do is pretty "normal" to me.

what happens if she doesnt like your friends?

[Inaii]

I don't understand why she's getting offended? Your dad isn't directing those comments at HER. Seems pointless to be pissy about something that's not your problem.

[stewie]

Scizzmoney, here's an example from the weekend.

Me her and my mom were going to go down to the outlet malls. The night prior to going my mom called me and said my dad and brother and his kid are gonna come, but they're goin in a seperate car. Once I told her that it was a flat out "I'm not going anymore then".

She's not a big fan of family things. She has no aunts or uncles or cousins, her mom was adopted so she really has no grandparents either, whereas I have dozens of cousins and aunts/uncles who are all very close knit with each other and wanting to have dinners all the time.

[Euro7r]

Sounds like your gf hates social gathering or in situations with too many people? Conclusion, sounds like she hates people and has no friends?

Life without friends and family is like living in a dessert... Just my thoughts.

[Spoon]

Whatever happens in your relationship going forward. Just don't expect her to change.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then the decision's an easy one. Don't waste both your time and 5 years down the road think: Fuck, you're never going to change are you?

[PJ]

The best way is just to have a clear, cool headed discussion with her and put everything out on the table. Explain to her why your family acts they way they act, and that it isn't meant to be offensive in any way - it's just a culture thing. See if you can convince her to come to one family bbq or whatever, and hopefully from there she'll begin to understand. It's really the only sensible solution.. If she simply keeps saying "no" every time you have a family gathering, it pretty much means you can never enjoy time with her and your family together. And that isn't something you can just sweep under the rug long term. Nothing's going to improve, and if anything, things might even get worse.

I'm an Asian guy, and most of my girlfriends were either mixed or white. So you can imagine the cultural differences when they came to family things. My extended family is pretty westernized (we have a few married-in whites, a lot of close family friends that are white, and I'd imagine, that takes a bit of pressure off), so those were never really a problem. But when it comes to immediate family, my parents just kinda sit there at dinner and dig in without really saying anything, they shout across the whole house when communicating, chew with their mouths open, talk with their mouths full, etc.

Luckily my girlfriends have all been cool with it and completely understand the differences in mannerisms and cultures.

Your family is your family, and you can't expect them to change for your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is the one who needs to open up her mind a bit. And if you care about your family and she cares about you, she'll at least give it an honest attempt. Have the talk.

[melloman]

Step #1: Recognize that she will not change unless she wants to change.
Step #2: Make sure you read through, and understand 'Step #1'.

I'm sure you've already told her "that's how my parents are.. it's their personalities."
If she doesn't understand this, or won't accept it.. again. Step #1. You can't really make her come to something she doesn't want to, and it will be awkward with family if she doesn't show up.. For me, I'm not that close with family but I'll still go to the big events (Christmas/Thanksgiving/Easter/Big Birthdays) whether I like to or not.
It's respect, maybe try telling her that, and if she still says no:

Either accept it, or dump her.

[fliptuner]

So her problem is not how they treat her but how they treat each other? lol

If they treat your GF just fine, she needs to accept that family dynamics are different across the board. If your mom's cool with the way your dad speaks to her, then that's none of her business. If your GF cares so much, maybe she should speak up and ask your mom about it - it'll probably be an eye-opener to learn that your mom and dad have more defined roles and act as such (oldschool) and it works just fine for them.

After that, tell her she has to go and she needs to respect your authoritah.

[freakshow]

It sounds like your gf is just young and/or naive.. she has this 'way' that families operate, and when your family doesn't match her expectations, she gets extremely childish about it.

If you can see her maturing in the future, maybe you just need to have some more conversations about it. If not, it's probably better to cut your losses.

[nosleepboy87]

Explain to her this is how the world is and she needs to accept reality. Not every family is going to be perfect and she is going to love it.

What happens if in the future your boss want to take you out on a dinner and she doesn't like them?
What happens if she doesnt like your friends?

And by the way, how old is she?
If you guys are serious and planning for a future, you guys are going to get married eventually, she doesn't like you family so....not invite them to the weddin....?

[quasi]

It's her issue not yours, I don't think there is anything you can do to make her see it any other way. You have to just take it at face value and decide if this is something you can live with going forward.

I grew up in the same type of household except my mom had to work full time and do 100% of the cooking and cleaning. If my dad wants a cup of coffee he just snaps his fingers, it's fucked up but it's the way it's always been. Somehow my parents are still together 40+ years later.

My wife won't do what my mom does but she doesn't take it personal when my dad acts this way around her she laughs it off.

[LSF22]

just curious.... so everytime you dont show up to dinner with her and they ask you where she is.... what do you tell them?

as previously stated... hows this gonna work when/if you guys have a wedding?

[Pegacorn]

I'm not a huge fan of my SO's parents. His mom stresses the shit out of me and his dad is kind of a racist, sexist asshole...BUT they're his family and soon they're going to be MY family. They're not going to change, I've accepted who they are (much like I've had to accept my own parents) and I'm working on ways to be less stressed out by his mom and less insulted by his dad. They both really like me, so that helps, but the reason they like me is that I listen to their stories. It's the least I can do, they raised an awesome life partner for me. My advice would be to talk to your gf and try to get her to understand that this is your family and if she's going to be part of your family she's going to have to sit through some uncomfortable dinners. If she can't stand a bit of discomfort for an evening, you're going to have bigger problems in your marriage. Life sometimes requires us to be uncomfortable. We can't just say "I don't wanna" and go to our rooms. She's not 12 anymore. Right? Besides, your parents aren't going to be around forever...

[lady_mapetite]

^ i concur with the above and basically what everyone else has said..

she needs to be more open minded. relationships are about compromising and you won't find someone that is exactly what you want or how you envision him/her to be (if you do, you're extremely lucky) so if you value your partner you'll find workarounds. have a chat with her and see what she says, for some reason i think there's more to the story

[stewie]

Originally Posted by LSF22

just curious.... so everytime you dont show up to dinner with her and they ask you where she is.... what do you tell them?

as previously stated... hows this gonna work when/if you guys have a wedding?

i just tell them she didnt want to come.

her mom pisses her off enough as is. she works with her mom and sister at a medical office with a bunch of middle aged women who work just for the sake of being social, leaving my gf to pick up slack for several other co workers because the boss is to much of a dumbass to fire her friends. she also works a 2nd job at a walk in clinic. so her days are usually full. if she doesnt want to come and people ask, i just say "she didnt want to come". they know her work schedule so they just say okay. I'm not going to flat out say she doesnt like you guys and refuses to come. that would just burn bridges all throughout my family and cause nothing but problems

[GLOW]

it kind of is what it is. my point of view on life is not to put myself in situations that make me feel uncomfortable or make me miserable. she's gone out a few times, and it makes her feel like crap so i wouldn't push it. also, if you marry her, you live with her 24/7. i see my parents a few times a week but i live with my wife. imo the relationship with my wife is whom i need to keep in harmony. everyone else needs to respect that. my 2 cents anyway

[Great68]

Not getting along with In-Laws is not a new phenomenon.

Both my wife and I have reservations about each other's parents, and it's the only thing we ever have arguments about.

It's a little different situation for us in that there's a body of water separating us from our parents, the arguments are more about who's house we're going to for thanksgiving, or Christmas, or "we went over for your mom's birthday, so now we gotta go over for my mom's" kinda bullshit. And you can never totally please both sides.

I dislike going to her parents' because all we ever do is sit around and I'm bored to death. Her parents are not very active. Whereas, when we go to my dad's I can help him work on stuff and keep busy.

After 7 years and home ownership on the island, her parents are finally realising that our life is over here now and that it's not a trivial thing to just hop on the ferry and visit every other weekend (especially not like we used to).

I just pick my battles, and usually work out a compromise.

[Pegacorn]

Like Great68 said, this isn't new. Adjusting to the in-laws is ...an adjustment. In-law jokes have made people a lot of money. We don't get to pick our families, we just love and accept them and do our best. It's the same with in-laws. I can understand she has a busy schedule and maybe doesn't have a lot patience for your family on top of that, but she needs to figure it out. I get it, I work in the mental health industry, I go to school, I volunteer, and I have very little left to give at the end of the day, but I suck it up when I need to, because I know what's important in life. It's not like you're having dinner with your family every damn day. If she's with you, she's part of your family, unless you're okay with being with her but her not being part of your family, which could get awkward. I think this welcome mat sums it up for me:

[6793026]

you're going to have a tough road.

i read the comment "when is dinner ready?" and i can see how if you have a CBC gf who's a huge feminist would mofo explode and have a huge fit. They'll start talking about equality and how you can't expect women to be this this this this and that.

Next thing you know..
"Hun, my car's not working, can u go fix it?"
"why me babe"
"cause that's a man's job"

fuck u bitch.

[Jmac]

My GF is the same way ... I've pretty much given up making excuses for her at this point.

The fucked up thing is that her family is a complete fucking trainwreck (mother divorced 4 times, sister divorced twice, real dad doesn't speak to her, brother in prison, nieces live in separate households, etc.), yet she scrutinizes the couple that's been married for 41 years ...

[Pegacorn]

It's hard enough being part of a family, let alone having to explain it to someone, or apologize for it. They are complicated ecosystems and newbies to the family just need to acclimatize to it. You could try the tough love approach that so many parents try on their delinquent teenagers: "When you're part of this family, you follow this family's rules. If you don't like it, leave".

[6793026]

Originally Posted by Jmac

My GF is the same way ... I've pretty much given up making excuses for her at this point.

The fucked up thing is that her family is a complete fucking trainwreck (mother divorced 4 times, sister divorced twice, real dad doesn't speak to her, brother in prison, nieces live in separate households, etc.), yet she scrutinizes the couple that's been married for 41 years ...

did you find her from the jerry springer show? damnnnn that's crazy family history.

[PeanutButter]

Wow. That would be a deal breaker for me 100%.

You're Italian and she doesn't want to come to family dinners? I'm surprised you haven't broken it off already.

I bet she can't even cook half as good as your momma. All joking aside, I don't think she understands how big of a deal this is to you. If she can't do this for you, I don't feel she deserves you.