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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 12-16-2010, 02:28 PM   #51
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I've had a lot of experience with this.

Been in your situation and had times where I made the right choice and the wrong choice.

Right now there are actually two problems. There is the immediate problem that you want to fix which is the girl has left, you don't want her to leave, so your first thought is "Must get back the girl."

She's taken control and you feel out of control. This means change is forced on you and people don't like change in general. Things like relationships are very emotional for both men and women and a huge change means uncertainty and that uncertainty makes us feel scared.

Because of this, all you can think about is putting things back to the way they were.

The REAL problem that you need to address is the fact that someone is fucking around with your head. Yes, she might have a legitimate region to break up. Even if you don't think it is, all that matters is that it is to her.

Don't give her the control. You are a person with worth as well. If you didn't treat her poorly or do anything that was bad (don't be too hard on yourself here), then you need to put your value on a high level.

Tell her you're very sorry she feels this way and you would like to work things out TOGETHER however if she wants to go, tell her that's okay with you since you would never want her to stay somewhere that she doesn't want to be on her own.

Don't be a jerk but be firm. Don't give her the chance to put the control on you. I know a lot of women that have pulled this shit just before things became very serious (like marriage) because they wanted to test the guy to see what they can get away with.

If you are treating someone you love like that, then that's not cool at all. Remember, as men get older, they usually get more money and can get more women.

As women get older, they get wore out and have to settle for whatever isn't available.

Give her all the space in the world, and if she wants to come back into her life, make her work for it.

While this is hard to stomach right now, especially since all you'd ideally want is to get back together, remember what you want is the RIGHT person, not the person that's there right now due to convenience.

I'm one of those 'nice guys' that learned that you can be nice while being strong. In the end, you will end up with someone that will respect you, not play games, and be by your side. After all, that's what really counts.
Fucking epic post. Hit the nail on the head perfectly

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Old 12-18-2010, 03:06 PM   #52
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Ok, so today her friend came by to pick up her passport and mail for her. She wasn't able to do it herself because she works all day today and needs the stuff so she can fly on Monday.
With her stuff I also put that book that was suggested "The 5 Love Languages". I told her she should read the book before she decides anything. Personally I feel that this book hit the issue right on the head.
I also, sent her a txt telling her that when she gets back there will be a lot of changes made for the better.

I thought things would get better sooner than this. I still feel totally empty and alone. Been working more normal hours and hitting the gym every day for the past week. I'm trying to keep myself busy because people keep saying that helps but it doesn't seem to help me much.

I know that a lot of peoples opinions on this are "just move on and find someone else" or similar to that but I've spent the last 5 years of my life with this woman. I have told her things that I have never told ANYONE. She really is everything to me.
I know some of you may say that I'm being over dramatic but those of you who have been here will know what I'm saying.

I'm trying not to contact her anymore till Christmas (I have to wish her and her family a merry Christmas and I'm very close with them as well). I really hope that is enough time for her to figure out what she wants to do and then we can sit down and talk about us and see if it can work or not.
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Old 12-18-2010, 03:38 PM   #53
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^^^ I wouldn't say give up, but IMO you're doing things exactly the right way anyways.

You're only changing things in which you have control over (which is yourself) and it's not like you're forcing her to change herself so that her decisions will run parallel to your interest. Which is really the only thing you can & should do; or should I say the only honourable thing to do.

But FYI, IMO no matter how much effort you put in your last-attempt-sales pitch, sometimes when a girl's mind is made up, it's really hard to change it without "forcing yourself (figuratively - not literally)" onto the person.

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Old 12-18-2010, 04:34 PM   #54
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I'm definetly not giving up.
I'm just now realising why she is feeling this way and I feel like crap about it.
She says she didnt feel loved even though she knows that I tryed to show how I love her. I always say nice things to her, am very supportive, always willing to help but after reading that book I think that her way to feel love would be called "acts of service".

For the first 3 years we dated I would always visit her at work, help her with house work, fix and wash her car (she payed for parts :P). After that we both got very busy with work, school, and life in general and I stopped doing those things like I use to do for her.
She always loved when I would come see her at work or surprise her for lunch but I didn't do that much anymore. And I think this is how she felt loved. It was never about the cost of the things I did for her just that it showed her that I loved and cared about her.

I never really clued into the fact that this was important for her. I figured me saying I love you and being there for her when she needed me was showing her the love I had for her. "The 5 Love Languages" made a lot of sense to me and I hope it does the same for her. Even if we don't end up back together at least she will have a better understanding. I know she feels very hurt and isn't sure what to do now.

I don't think she has given up, not entirely. She wants to go visit her family and see if she still has feelings for me. When we meet up and talked she asked me to give her the time to go away and think before she made any final decision for herself. She doesn't think it is fair to me or her if she stays in the relationship if she isn't sure how she feels. I can understand that as this is how my last serious relationship ended. I just lost the feelings I had for her. I was younger and didn't think much of it.

I don't want to push her away and I don't want to not be there for her. I don't want to force her to change who she is because I love who she is. I think she is just feeling upset with the lack of love she has been feeling from me. The last think I want her to do is be in a relationship with me that is forced.

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Old 12-18-2010, 04:36 PM   #55
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I'm definitely not giving up.
I'm just now realizing why she is feeling this way and I feel like crap about it.
She says she didn't feel loved even though she knows that I tried to show how I love her. I always say nice things to her, am very supportive, always willing to help but after reading that book I think that her way to feel love would be called "acts of service".

For the first 3 years we dated I would always visit her at work, help her with house work, fix and wash her car (she payed for parts :P). After that we both got very busy with work, school, and life in general and I stopped doing those things like I use to do for her.
She always loved when I would come see her at work or surprise her for lunch but I didn't do that much anymore. And I think this is how she felt loved. It was never about the cost of the things I did for her just that it showed her that I loved and cared about her.

I never really clued into the fact that this was important for her. I figured me saying I love you and being there for her when she needed me was showing her the love I had for her. "The 5 Love Languages" made a lot of sense to me and I hope it does the same for her. Even if we don't end up back together at least she will have a better understanding. I know she feels very hurt and isn't sure what to do now.

I don't think she has given up, not entirely. She wants to go visit her family and see if she still has feelings for me. When we meet up and talked she asked me to give her the time to go away and think before she made any final decision for herself. She doesn't think it is fair to me or her if she stays in the relationship if she isn't sure how she feels. I can understand that as this is how my last serious relationship ended. I just lost the feelings I had for her. I was younger and didn't think much of it.

I don't want to push her away and I don't want to not be there for her. I don't want to force her to change who she is because I love who she is. I think she is just feeling upset with the lack of love she has been feeling from me. The last think I want her to do is be in a relationship with me that is forced.

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Old 12-18-2010, 05:50 PM   #56
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having read through all of this, i must say it seems very one-sided in terms of putting effort into the relationship. you've figured out what it is that she misses, but my question for you is: what does she do to show she loves you?

perhaps i'm getting the wrong idea here, but it looks like you're the one building a future for the two of you. is it because you're leading the way or because she simply hasn't shown much initiative to progess your relationship to the next level?

in terms of advice, i think jameswift said it all. stay strong, know your worth and give yourself the credit you deserve for the effort you have put forward. i hope things work out for you, good luck.
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Old 12-18-2010, 05:56 PM   #57
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She has done a lit for our relashionship inthe past. I went through the same thing with her 3 years ago. Wasent sure if it was all right for us. She was there for me and helped us through it. It wasent exactly the same of course bur similar.
She puts a lit of effort into th relashionship. She is always thinking about me, even now. She txted me the other day to let me know there was a sale on xbox stuff at her work.
From what I have said it doe sound one sided but I don't think I relayed her side of it well enough.

Thanks for the kind wishes. Hoping for the best!
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Old 12-20-2010, 11:52 AM   #58
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I remain pessimistic about your chances: in my experience, once a woman's heart has left the relationship (as it sounds like with yours), you cannot revive it.

However, whatever happens, at least you can hold your head up high and say that you tried to make it work. The experience you're having right now will bode well for any future relationships you will have.
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Old 12-20-2010, 09:06 PM   #59
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Well Tapioca, I hope you are wrong in this case :P
But it will definitely be something that will shape any future relationship I have, weather it be with the girl I want to be with now or someone else.

I was thinking, not sure if this is a good idea or not, of making a little CD/DVD thing of pictures of the past 5 years of our live together and putting some music to it. I would just send it to her aunts in Idaho and she could open it on Christmas day. A surprise of sorts?
I was also thinking that maybe if I did do that I should have a note in there to only watch it once she has made up her mind?

any input would be great on this.
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Old 12-20-2010, 10:11 PM   #60
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Well Tapioca, I hope you are wrong in this case :P
But it will definitely be something that will shape any future relationship I have, weather it be with the girl I want to be with now or someone else.

I was thinking, not sure if this is a good idea or not, of making a little CD/DVD thing of pictures of the past 5 years of our live together and putting some music to it. I would just send it to her aunts in Idaho and she could open it on Christmas day. A surprise of sorts?
I was also thinking that maybe if I did do that I should have a note in there to only watch it once she has made up her mind?

any input would be great on this.
I think giving her that book to read was enough
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:10 AM   #61
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I think giving her that book to read was enough
I was thinking that.
She TXT me last night to say she arrived there safely.
Now it looks like a waiting game. She has started to read the book I gave her as well so I guess we will see how things go.

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Old 12-21-2010, 09:14 AM   #62
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I was thinking that.
She TXT me last night to say she arrived there safely.
Now it looks like a waiting game. She has started to read the book I gave her as well so I guess we will see how things go.

Well hopefully she gets as much out of the book as you have.
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Old 12-21-2010, 09:46 AM   #63
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Well hopefully she gets as much out of the book as you have.
I sure hope so. Great book for sure just hoping that she gets the same understanding of our relationship that I got from the book.
I'm missing her like crazy. This Christmas is going to blow big time
Shes back on the 30th, hoping that she will tell me before she gets back to Vancouver so I can stop stressing!!!

Man, woman are crazy. Hope its only temporary :P
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Old 12-23-2010, 10:15 AM   #64
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say you need a break... have sex with someone random then get back together. its not cheating and you will feel better
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:15 AM   #65
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say you need a break... have sex with someone random then get back together. its not cheating and you will feel better
I would fail this but apparently my button is missing.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:25 AM   #66
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say you need a break... have sex with someone random then get back together. its not cheating and you will feel better
Genius! this will definitely save their relationship

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I would fail this but apparently my button is missing.
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Old 12-23-2010, 12:31 PM   #67
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say you need a break... have sex with someone random then get back together. its not cheating and you will feel better
Not interested in that. If I was a dick and didn't care about here then that's another story but I have morals and a brain.
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:41 PM   #68
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been there .. bet u she has a guy on the side already
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Old 12-23-2010, 02:58 PM   #69
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say you need a break... have sex with someone random then get back together. its not cheating and you will feel better
This must be the worst suggestion ever, i'd never be able to face my woman ever again if i was ever to pull a dumb ass move like this living with such guilt and just tearing up my morals like it was a joke.
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Old 12-23-2010, 03:50 PM   #70
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been there .. bet u she has a guy on the side already
Not very likely seeing as she's with her family in Idaho right now. And before this there was no time to have another guy on the side.
But who knows. Maybe you are right. I sure hope not tho.

She said to me that this has nothing to do with any guy and I believe her. She has never lied to me before and I trust her.
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Old 12-23-2010, 11:32 PM   #71
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Well... I thought this was going to be another guy sobbing about how some girl left him thread. But after reading this, the OP is pretty level headed and since he's of the 2-wheel riding brethren, I'll offer my observations.

1) Giving her the book on love languages book may prove useful... but the thing is the book prompts more self-discovery as opposed to what I'm assuming you want her to see (ie. the ways in which you show love). The plus side, she'll learn what her love languages are and perhaps how to better express herself. The downside is she may not be able to see past how this relates to her and thus not understanding how it is that you show love, or what you've done for her. Even worse, she may see that the love languages that she values aren't at all congruent to what yours are. In other words... it may not be another guy right now... but what she needs would be better provided by someone else.

2) Don't lose heart if in the worst case scenario in 1 proves true. Obviously she doesn't have the love languages that you value either so it would've come up as a problem at some point anyway. Be thankful that she was honest and upfront.

3) Going to the gym is a great idea... keeps you fit, and if you're single again, it'll be an advantage over the competition! Keep building bikes as they're most often more rewarding to spend time with than people are.
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Old 12-24-2010, 11:00 AM   #72
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Well... I thought this was going to be another
1) Giving her the book on love languages book may prove useful... but the thing is the book prompts more self-discovery as opposed to what I'm assuming you want her to see (ie. the ways in which you show love). The plus side, she'll learn what her love languages are and perhaps how to better express herself. The downside is she may not be able to see past how this relates to her and thus not understanding how it is that you show love, or what you've done for her. Even worse, she may see that the love languages that she values aren't at all congruent to what yours are. In other words... it may not be another guy right now... but what she needs would be better provided by someone else.

I can't see a down side to any of this. If she takes a good long look in the mirror and realizes 'this isn't going to work for me' then better sooner then later. Book or no book if that's how she feels it's a conclusion she'll eventually come to and better to have the OP find our before he's even further invested.

That said, when I read this book it really lead me to examine my relationships and realize more where /I/ was falling down and failing to communicate with others than where others were failing with me. And it helped me to take responsibility for my failings when it came to communication and correct them. That's generally the reaction everyone I know of that's read it. What ever she gets out of it (if she honestly reads it with an open mind) I expect it will be for the best in the long run.
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Old 12-24-2010, 04:21 PM   #73
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I'm hoping she takes from I what I have. Weather that be together or she takes that to another relashionship. It's a great book with a good idea.
I'm hoping she will see that with some work our relashionship will work and we can have a great life together but I don't want her to be with me if that is not truly what she wants.

Right now I'm just trying to keep myself busy but this time of the year really sucks to be alone :P

I plan on txting her on Christmas to wish her a merry Christmas and her family as well. Would it be bad to tell her that I love her?
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Old 12-24-2010, 05:06 PM   #74
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i guess it doesnt hurt to send her season greetings...but u gotta watch out.

if shes the one that txt you first and say merry christmas and blah blah blah...then leave her asap.

coz i mean...she knows that she has fked up ur christmas pretty good, so how could she still say merry christmas to u right?


just reminds me of my ex who pulled a bitch ass move and decided to break up with me a week before my bday...and then kept saying happy bday to me on that day just to make herself feel better. get out of here, drama queen.
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Old 12-24-2010, 07:37 PM   #75
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I see what you are saying nosaj, but I don't think she would do it to make herself feel better.
She is a genuine person from my experience with her for the past 5 years and I know that what she is going through now is not to hurt me.

I only wish her happiness with whatever she chooses to do but I will be devastated if it does not involve me.

Does anyone have an opinion on weather saying that I love her is a good or bad idea?
I don't want to push her away by forcing my love onto her but at the same time I can't ignore how I feel about her.
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