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The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

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Old 12-30-2011, 02:36 PM   #51
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very immature plus a stage 5 clinger status. she probably had previous experience of an ex cheating on her.
None that she had mentioned but I'm never digging around in the past. After Happyslip's post, some of her reactions do make sense.

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Old 12-30-2011, 02:41 PM   #52
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lol wtf
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Old 12-30-2011, 03:00 PM   #53
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Also we can all be grown up about it. Just because there may be an attraction doesn't mean you'll pounce at opportunity.
Yes, exactly.

To be completely honest and without offending anyone, some of the posts in this thread about looking at things through her perspective do not sound like they're coming from people with close friends of the opposite sex. While having some validity, the posters lack insight.

My friends are female, I will not handle my friendships with them any differently than I would a male to appease childish jealousy and trust issues. That equates to sacrificing a friendship for a relationship, and I value my friendships to much to ever give them up for something that may or may not amount to something. I've had serious relationships with three girls and they were all able to accept and appreciate that I have female friends and spend time alone with them.
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Old 12-30-2011, 03:10 PM   #54
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^^ I am not sayign she is totally in the right. Walking out and thrwing food on the ground totally unacceptable.

I would say if she is cool off a bit and you are cool off a bit have a chat with her aobut it.
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Old 12-30-2011, 03:19 PM   #55
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Yes, exactly.

To be completely honest and without offending anyone, some of the posts in this thread about looking at things through her perspective do not sound like they're coming from people with close friends of the opposite sex. While having some validity, the posters lack insight.

My friends are female, I will not handle my friendships with them any differently than I would a male to appease childish jealousy and trust issues. That equates to sacrificing a friendship for a relationship, and I value my friendships to much to ever give them up for something that may or may not amount to something. I've had serious relationships with three girls and they were all able to accept and appreciate that I have female friends and spend time alone with them.
I totally agree. It's make no sense if you have to give up a relationship because of someone else insecurities. Friends have a separate place in your heart and so does your significant other.
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Old 12-30-2011, 03:20 PM   #56
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^^ I am not sayign she is totally in the right. Walking out and thrwing food on the ground totally unacceptable.

I would say if she is cool off a bit and you are cool off a bit have a chat with her aobut it.
At the moment she believes she has done nothing wrong and she is right for her actions.
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Old 12-30-2011, 03:30 PM   #57
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At the moment she believes she has done nothing wrong and she is right for her actions.
Thent here is no way to get through to her. Give it like a week and see what happens.
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Old 12-30-2011, 04:00 PM   #58
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What my understanding is of the situation:

1) Took boiling hot food off the stove and threw it on the floor to show she's pissed off and doesn't give a fuck. What if she's really pissed/the situation escalates because you are really pissed (Seems your pretty patient), throw that at you? Key your car to show you she doesn't give a fuck? Post your private info on the internet in an attempt to destroy your career?

2) Other girls wearing your tshirt and your shorts is usually (keyword) indicative of sexing. However, in a relationship where there are no insecurities, sexing with other femininas should = shock. She's not shocked when she sees signs of possible sexing, she's expecting it which is why she gives you no chance to explain yourself and jumps straight to her conclusion. She is insecure. Insecurities = always assuming the worst. Always assuming the worst = more fights. More fights = more pasta on your beautiful hardwood floors. Also more fights = more chances for escalation and even more destructive acts of anger.

3) She's already comparing you to other guys. That shit is going to get old really quick. Maybe now its just comparing car borrowing practices and apartment sharing being compared, but later on when its stuff like money/status/gifts it can get pretty emasculating.


Those would probably be the big 3 flaws. I'm sure she has many positive qualities. Maybe try working on her insecurities and try to explain to her that although you like her a lot (love?), you need your space, but she shouldn't worry as you only are interested in her.

Venting to other girls is okay when the other girls aren't jealous. When they're jealous they'll purposely try to break you guys up so your gf ends up with a guy who is worse than their (their = gf's friend) boyfriend so they can justify their own shitty relationships to themselves and find happiness in your girlfriends sadness. Compare yourself to gf's friends boyfriends in terms of where you live, where you work, how much money you make, and how you treat your GF and her friends etc. and you might see your GF is potentially in a much better place than her friends, hence the jealousy, hence them always badmouthing you and putting negative thoughts into her head, creating your messy pasta hardwood floors/drama. Sounds superficial but everyone takes into account job/status etc. when going into a relationship
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Old 12-30-2011, 04:02 PM   #59
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^^ I am not sayign she is totally in the right. Walking out and thrwing food on the ground totally unacceptable.

I would say if she is cool off a bit and you are cool off a bit have a chat with her aobut it.
Honestly this probably won't help. All she sees is that he lied to her and that he's "cheating" with an elementary school friend. She's just gonna think he's trying to justify his actions.

Plus even if he is to reason with her this one time, based on her actions is she really someone he's gonna wanna keep around? How embarrassing
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Old 12-30-2011, 04:11 PM   #60
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Honestly this probably won't help. All she sees is that he lied to her and that he's "cheating" with an elementary school friend. She's just gonna think he's trying to justify his actions.

Plus even if he is to reason with her this one time, based on her actions is she really someone he's gonna wanna keep around? How embarrassing
But we can't throw out the fact that the OP did do something wrong as well.
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Old 12-30-2011, 04:16 PM   #61
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Honestly this probably won't help. All she sees is that he lied to her and that he's "cheating" with an elementary school friend. She's just gonna think he's trying to justify his actions.

Plus even if he is to reason with her this one time, based on her actions is she really someone he's gonna wanna keep around? How embarrassing
i agree, if trust doesn't exist from early on in the relationship then it never will and if it's ever broken or perceived to be broken it will never truly return. I can't see waiting a week to discuss it changing much, the situation is what it is. I don't want to sound harsh, but from the information you've given it sounds like you essentially need to choose between your friend or her.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:20 PM   #62
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How would you deal with your girlfriend (if you were a male) pursuing a deeper commitment and you weren't ready? (besides just telling her)
True dat. I can't think of anything else to do but to tell her that we need to slow things down etc etc. And you've already shown her you're not ready to pursue a deeper commitment as per ignoring her requests for a key and what not.

Good luck, I'm sure things will work out for you in the end.
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Old 12-30-2011, 05:57 PM   #63
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What would u do if
1. Bunch of guys crash at your gf's place WITH Her CLOTHES!!!
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:16 PM   #64
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What my understanding is of the situation:

1) Took boiling hot food off the stove and threw it on the floor to show she's pissed off and doesn't give a fuck. What if she's really pissed/the situation escalates because you are really pissed (Seems your pretty patient), throw that at you? Key your car to show you she doesn't give a fuck? Post your private info on the internet in an attempt to destroy your career?

2) Other girls wearing your tshirt and your shorts is usually (keyword) indicative of sexing. However, in a relationship where there are no insecurities, sexing with other femininas should = shock. She's not shocked when she sees signs of possible sexing, she's expecting it which is why she gives you no chance to explain yourself and jumps straight to her conclusion. She is insecure. Insecurities = always assuming the worst. Always assuming the worst = more fights. More fights = more pasta on your beautiful hardwood floors. Also more fights = more chances for escalation and even more destructive acts of anger.

3) She's already comparing you to other guys. That shit is going to get old really quick. Maybe now its just comparing car borrowing practices and apartment sharing being compared, but later on when its stuff like money/status/gifts it can get pretty emasculating.


Those would probably be the big 3 flaws. I'm sure she has many positive qualities. Maybe try working on her insecurities and try to explain to her that although you like her a lot (love?), you need your space, but she shouldn't worry as you only are interested in her.

Venting to other girls is okay when the other girls aren't jealous. When they're jealous they'll purposely try to break you guys up so your gf ends up with a guy who is worse than their (their = gf's friend) boyfriend so they can justify their own shitty relationships to themselves and find happiness in your girlfriends sadness. Compare yourself to gf's friends boyfriends in terms of where you live, where you work, how much money you make, and how you treat your GF and her friends etc. and you might see your GF is potentially in a much better place than her friends, hence the jealousy, hence them always badmouthing you and putting negative thoughts into her head, creating your messy pasta hardwood floors/drama. Sounds superficial but everyone takes into account job/status etc. when going into a relationship
She took the hot sauce pan and dumped it all over the floor. Boiling sauces and bits everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if she did vandalize my vehicle because it seems the most vulnerable. I've got underground parking with cameras but it's not impossible to gain access. She has shown up at the office without notification and gets threatened by the other co-workers. At most company functions I find myself dealing with a shit storm of immaturity because I like to socialize. As far my career, I really hope she has enough respect to leave that alone. There are no promises though when it comes to irrational thinking.

I understand the thought process of her seeing my friends in my clothing but I thought we were at an age where we could properly communicate. She has always been bothered by the fact I have close girl friends. I tell her it's not like I purposely choose girls over guys, it just happens and I feel comfortable hanging out with any gender. I think she usually gets all the attention from her guy friends/past boyfriends but I am not that type of companion.

She always been comparing me to her friends boyfriends. Whether it be gifts, the amount of time they spend together, living situations etc but I explain we all have different life styles and I should not have to flip my world around so I be "that guy."

She has plenty of good features but they are drowned out lately by her negative behaviors. Just in the past year, She took care of me when I broke my arm snowboarding, I gave my parents the keys to my car when I was away for work and she had it fully detailed and she's awesome with my parents. They absolute adore her.

It's funny because since we've been fighting her friends are calling me, asking me how she is doing? I'm confused because they could just call her instead. I've had situations where her best friend (not single) would call me to pick her up because she was too hammered. If I wasn't busy I would pick her up and she would end up asking me to "go eat or hang out" when I arrive. I told my girlfriend about the situation and she gets mad at me for picking her best friend up. The thing about my girlfriend is she like to brag, and for the wrong reasons. If I buy her any gift, take her out somewhere nice she'll go broadcasting it to her friends. Some of her friends are single but most of them are either married or engaged. Her friend's boyfriends are a lot older than me as well (30+) so I'm still referred to "the kid." In terms of careers, most of us are white-collar workers and live in/around downtown. The other boyfriends have nice vehicles and their girlfriends have nice purses and bags. As far I know, or what my girlfriend tells me, they are in happy relationships but that wouldn't explain how many times her friends have tried to call me venting or to get a guy's perspective. I'm not a great listener when it comes to these topics and I tell them that. (they keep doing it anyways) Financially my girlfriend has very wealthy parents and she's a single child so money isn't an issue. When I first graduated, I couldn't afford a vehicle so I would be driving my parent's car and when my girlfriend's friends saw the car they thought it was my vehicle and assumed I was mommy and daddy powered. Just because I have my own apartment/car at my age they assume I like to spurge all my money, but honestly, I'm pretty conservative.

I have no clear evidence she is in a better place than her girlfriends but we're all different people. If I'm not the cuddling, loving and attention giving boyfriend like the others that's too bad because I have other priorities and responsibilities in life.
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:18 PM   #65
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Honestly this probably won't help. All she sees is that he lied to her and that he's "cheating" with an elementary school friend. She's just gonna think he's trying to justify his actions.

Plus even if he is to reason with her this one time, based on her actions is she really someone he's gonna wanna keep around? How embarrassing
It's only been lately she's been acting out and jumping into conclusions without a second thought.
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:20 PM   #66
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i agree, if trust doesn't exist from early on in the relationship then it never will and if it's ever broken or perceived to be broken it will never truly return. I can't see waiting a week to discuss it changing much, the situation is what it is. I don't want to sound harsh, but from the information you've given it sounds like you essentially need to choose between your friend or her.
It doesn't end with my friend because she has a hatred towards MOST of my female friends.

I wouldn't give up my friendship for her. If she was worth it, that situation shouldn't even have to be considered.
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Old 12-30-2011, 07:23 PM   #67
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True dat. I can't think of anything else to do but to tell her that we need to slow things down etc etc. And you've already shown her you're not ready to pursue a deeper commitment as per ignoring her requests for a key and what not.

Good luck, I'm sure things will work out for you in the end.
Yeah I have her friends to blame for pushing her to this state. Pardon my ignorance but honestly who wants to get married before 30? There's so much to experience, there's no reason to tie yourself down.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:20 PM   #68
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Valid question: when was the last time you boned that elementary school friend?
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:22 PM   #69
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I can see why she would be pissed that some girl she doesn't know has a key to your place. I can put myself in those shoes and I would be put out too.

That said she's behaving like a child and her behavior up to that point is totally unexcusable. Hell even her reaction to that is. Date someone with conflict resolution skills next time.
^this.

from a female perspective, i can say that i would be a little "wtf" about the other girl situation, even if she is a friend. BUT, your gf handled it like a fucking 5 year old. she was totally out of line and you handled yourself like a gentleman.

from reading you other responses, i don't really think that this is your main problem with her really. you are 24, have been with her for over 2 years, and are not really wanting to commit long-term with her. maybe she isn't "the one".

i don't think this situation is "dump the bitch" worthy as you have been with her for 2 years...i do the see the not wanting to long-term commit to her as "dump the bitch" worthy though.

you shouldn't HAVE to give her keys...you should WANT to give her keys. you should be with someone who you trust implicitly with your space and belongings and the fact that you are freaked out that she may have copied your keys and "break in" speaks volumes. after 2 years you can't trust her? not good bro. she doesn't seem to respect you and i don't think you are happy with her.

that should be the reason to move on. its ain't workin'.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:35 PM   #70
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^this.

from a female perspective, i can say that i would be a little "wtf" about the other girl situation, even if she is a friend. BUT, your gf handled it like a fucking 5 year old. she was totally out of line and you handled yourself like a gentleman.

from reading you other responses, i don't really think that this is your main problem with her really. you are 24, have been with her for over 2 years, and are not really wanting to commit long-term with her. maybe she isn't "the one".

i don't think this situation is "dump the bitch" worthy as you have been with her for 2 years...i do the see the not wanting to long-term commit to her as "dump the bitch" worthy though.

you shouldn't HAVE to give her keys...you should WANT to give her keys. you should be with someone who you trust implicitly with your space and belongings and the fact that you are freaked out that she may have copied your keys and "break in" speaks volumes. after 2 years you can't trust her? not good bro. she doesn't seem to respect you and i don't think you are happy with her.

that should be the reason to move on. its ain't workin'.
We were going steady until lately and then she started making accusations and i guess not trusting me. The fact that she's acting out of character like dropping the food, getting pissed off at the little things is what worries me.(why I'm worried about my apartment)

My longest relationship before this was maybe one year and that was because I went to school in Toronto and the LDR thing is hard to master. She told me two years is her longest relationship so maybe there is a contrast there. I feel she is at the stage where she wants to spend every second of the day with me, I'm more into going out after work, grabbing some food/beers, hanging out with friends and then rinse and repeat. If she didn't have an issue of hanging out with my friends then things would be perfect. She would rather decline, and then complain about it after.

We had our good times and bad times but it seems like we're at the end of the rope with this situation. She still calling my phone but I've let it reach voice-mail every time.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:33 PM   #71
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we are on page 3 now so you should realize she is really immature and she did blow up a few times. You on the other hand has been a big asshole for not telling her the truth and handling it like a man.

if your friend that was a girl has the keys, tell ur gf so there is nothing to hide. and if your gf tells you why you won't give her a key, TELL ur GF straight up i am NOT comfortable giving my KEYS to ANYONE. not even my mom and dad. This is the END OF THE ISSUE. if i want to give you one, you will get one. i do not want you to ask for it, end of story.

please be a man and set her straight. As for you, i don't care how close of a friend you are with the girl, but you owe it to your gf to sit everyone down for drinks and just chill thefuck out. why? cause if your gf gave her keys to her grade 1 best friend in the same exact same situation, BAM, you have full right to blowup on heralso.

set her straight, ugotta smarten up on what needs to be disclosed and learn from this relationship.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:06 PM   #72
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You're putting more emphasis on your side of the things and how she has wronged you. She certainly has done some bad deeds but you been pretty lousy too. You tell her "Nothing is going on. It's fine, don't worry". That's a typical answer kids give their parents when they starting questioning things and you know parent's don't tend to believe in that crummy type of answer right away. So like the gentleman above whose numbered name I'm too lazy to type out has mentioned, you need to sit her down and tell her things firmly. If not, let things run its course because you do also seemed to have run into a dead end and you got the breakup idea already in your head somewhere.

Some women can't handle men who are like a kite that can't be tied down easily. Cue in insecurity! And tbh, there is no man or woman out there is worth hanging on to if they get destructive on others, whether it's things like your apartment, or people such as your friends. I learned that the hard way.

Also, just for giggles, I though this was somewhat relatable to your issue:


Also since you mentioned you graduated from Toronto (so did I), I'm wondering if I heard of you before...

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Old 12-30-2011, 11:22 PM   #73
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Keep in mind, everyone has sudden surge of anger, has anyone ever felt so angry that they punched the wall or picked up the closet thing and threw it on the ground? Has anyone ever threw their phone on the ground after they got off an upsetting call with their significant other? Has anyone ever blurted out something they didn't mean to when they are angry? I don't know, I am not saying she is right nor he is right but things happen and anger gets the better of a lot of people.
If you do like her a lot and want to have a future with her then you need to work it out. You have also been dating for 2 years so I guess she would like to know where the both of you are going towards. Each relationship is different and don't allow some of these comments to affect what you really feel towards this relationship with your girl.
Maybe she just isn't 'the one' for you or maybe there are things you are doing that could change a little.
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Old 12-31-2011, 01:00 AM   #74
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Be honest - speak your mind.. a heads-up can prevent almost everything

Be respectful - ignoring her and closing the door on her just makes things worse..imo the silent mad look is a better way of showing attitude/disappointment without being an ass

Be understanding - put yourself in her shoes then what?

Re establish trust - I'm guessing you're gonna have to explain everythingg to your gf like you have to RS...The 3 of you should meet and clarify the whole stayover/key so your gf doesnt think its just some bs coming from you only.

I think your gf wants a serious long term relationship with you. When shes insecure, she'll become clingy and blindly do a bunch of nono's in trying to make sure you're still with her. I understand where shes coming from but I don't agree with her methods. It's good your gf calls you back right after heated shit happens...I mean, imagine how much more difficult it would be if you had to find her for your keys she jacked or if she simply ignored your calls. That being said, your gf calling you means she cares and is willing to work things out..?

I don't think she'll smash your shit :S but change the locks just incase. Better safe than sorry
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Old 12-31-2011, 01:16 PM   #75
NLY
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I want to thank you guys for all the advice and words of wisdom.

Honestly, I don't even know what I want at the moment so I don't want to rekindle any lost feelings if I am not fully committed in the relationship. I'm sure at one point during the duration of the relationship we were in the same loop, but I think my career and other factors got in the way and I myself lost my way.

If I could turn back time, I would of called her to tell her people were crashing at the apartment, I would tell her I gave a key to a close-friend and I would of treated her with more respect. Sucks that's not possible so I got to face the consequences of my actions and learn from my mishaps.

Thanks R.S. once again for the advice.
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Last edited by NLY; 12-31-2011 at 01:21 PM.
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